BYE BYE LOVE: Departures Aplenty on The Hills

Tonight's first episode began with Lauren explaining how everything was just so different after France. Paris changes EVERYTHING, we've been told. For instance, now Lauren is 45% greasier. True story. Plus, she's also decided to pick up writing and is authoring her first book: How To Burn A VERY EXPENSIVE DRESS, Conrad Style.

Anyway, Lauren barged into her apartment where Audrina was busy sitting on the couch doing, well, nothing. I'm thinking that maybe she might have been staring at an errant dust bunny. Whatever she was doing, she promptly stopped it; so she could greet her roommate / Master. "How are you?" she chirped happily.

"I'm jetlagged," Lauren sighed, adding, "AND VERY DIFFERENT. Paris changes EVERYTHING!"

Lauren then explained how her body was still adjusting to the time difference, and then, after briefly burning another dress or two in the kitchen, she revealed to Aud that she had hung out with that French band. You know, the one creatively named "Rock and Roll."

"Oh, the French band!" Audrina said. "How was that?" Oh you know -- greasy, smokey, anticlimactic. Sort of like getting stuck in one of those tourist trap bistros on Rue De La Huchette. I SPEAK FROM EXPERIENCE.

Audrina then asked if Whitney had a good time, to which Lauren replied, "Yeah, when she wasn't taking care of my burned couture dress." Okay, LC didn't say that, but she did tell Audrina that Whit now wants to move on from Teen Vogue. Wow, what a change. It's almost as if... PARIS CHANGES EVERYTHING!!!

After the opening credits, we headed to Teen Vogue and met up with our favorite WASPy editor, Lisa Love, who swirled around in her chair so quickly that you'd think her long lost friend Aimée from the Côte d'Azur had just walked in. Alas, it was only Whitney, who announced, "I want to talk to you about my future." She then added, "I'm not sure if I have one."

Lisa hardly seemed fazed by this conversation, but perhaps that's because she was quietly distracted by her shirt, which appeared to have been fashioned from the inside of some leftover Valentine's Day chocolate box. Nevertheless, Whitney gave her notice that she wanted to leave Teen Vogue. You know, time to pursue other opportunities, tumble down new staircases.

"I feel so honored to have worked here," Whit said, adding, "I don't think I could have asked for anything more. You know, besides an office that wasn't fashioned out of an old broom closet." She then babbled on about who knows what, causing a bored Lisa to gaze down at her pad with the sort of look that said, "I wonder if I should pick up some Chateaux Margaux this afternoon. That would be a delightful accompaniment with dinner. Yes, I think I'll do that. I hear '86 was a good year. It will go perfectly with the halibut. And the asparagus. Delicious... Good lord, is this girl still talking?"

"I'll just read the funnies until she goes away. This Dilbert is really quite clever."

Eventually, Whitney told Lisa that before she started pursuing any career opportunities, she "wanted to get your blessing first." At that point, Lisa smiled and said, "Well, actually, it's very convenient because YOU'RE FIRED." Okay, okay, Lisa did not say that. Instead she reacted with a warm smile as Whitney went on to say that she didn't want to burn any bridges. And by bridges, she meant the proverbial Alberta Ferretti ball gown that was Lisa Love's approval.

"Recommendations will be made in your favor," Lisa said, adding, "But I must ask — what exactly do you do? Aside from falling down staircases, naturally."

After Lisa happily rid herself of Wh-wh-wh-Whitney, we then headed over to SBE Productions, which apparently had been invaded by an army of cubicles. Yes, gone was the hip, carefree décor of the old Bolthouse, and in its place was the oppressive specter of corporate America. Gag. Watch as cubicles become the hot new club accessory now. You think I'm joking, but I'm not.

Nevertheless, we then saw Heidi navigating through this veritable labyrinth of awfulness, her blonde hair rising above the little walls like a flaxen beacon of middle-management. Her odyssey through this cubicle forrest came to an end when she arrived at the desk of Kimberly, a.k.a. Elodie 2.0. Almost immediately, Heidi began babbling about Spencer and their semi-breakup and whatnot, noting that upon return from Colorado, "I thought he would be out by the time I got back, but I guess not." Well, I'm sure that first night in bed was fairly awkward. She should've just taken an extra Bolthouse cubicle home and stuck Spencer in it.

Heidi continued to drone on about Spencer, saying how he's affected her friendships and, you know, good will from the fans. "I literally gave up everything for him," she said, perhaps finally acknowledging the fate of her one-time pet, Bella. I wonder if she'll ever be reunited with her dog. I can already imagine the conversation:

HEIDI: Bella, I'm so sorry for abandoning you. I just want us to be friends again.

BELLA: I want to forgive you. And I want to forget you.

HEIDI: You're being mean.

BELLA: YOU ABANDONED ME.

HEIDI: Well, how can I make it up to you? Can I give you a biscuit?

BELLA: Sure, it's your fantasy.

HEIDI: What are you talking about?

BELLA: This conversation is going on inside your head.

HEIDI: No, it's not.

BELLA: DOGS DON'T TALK.

HEIDI: Oh. That's right.

Aaaand scene.

Anyway, Kimberly empathized with Heidi's plight, noting that "It sounds like you're going through exactly what I went through with Danny." Listen, Kimberly, I don't know who Danny is, but you're a second-string sidekick. Your personal life is irrelevant. NEVER SHARE AGAIN.

As expected, Heidi just stared at Kimberly blankly, probably shocked that her sidekick would ever deign to make this situation about her. I mean, her face looked truly dumbstruck. I half expected her to suddenly say, "Wait, you're not Elodie. Have you always not been Elodie?"

"I'm confused. Who ARE you?"

Meanwhile, over at Stephanie Pratt's spacious condo, Spencer was trying to find comfort from his sister, but as it turns out, there was none to be had. "You went to Colorado, and she got mad. What could be worse than that?" Steph said, not afraid to rub salt vigorously into every wound on Spencer's body.

As you can imagine, Spence wasn't thrilled with this anti-pep talk, but Stephanie did eventually strike a warmer tone: "Let's find the bright side," she said, adding, "For instance, I'm on TV now. So there's that."

Ultimately, Steph revealed that she wanted to hang out with Heidi, which was a problem because Spencer and Heidi were, you know, kind of broken up. Sort of. Per her wishes, Spencer was giving Heidi her space, which was a reasonable request, but of course, he assumed that meant he should start dating again. I think that was his passive aggressive way of retaliating. Sort of like saying, "You want space? Fine. But I'm gonna make you regret it." So much love...

Back at Teen Vogue, Whitney returned to her desk and gave the postmortem on the whole quitting convo. "Lisa was surprisingly supportive," Whitney reported, adding, "I mean, she like danced on her desk and screamed, 'THANK GOD!'; so I think she was really happy for me and my career."

Whitney then revealed that she had a possible employment opportunity with Kelly Cutrone, the nightmare bitch of a publicist who'd last surfaced at the end of season one of The Hills. Back then, she was most famous (in the MTV universe) for snapping at Lauren for not being quick enough on a job, warning her that if she wanted to make it in fashion, she had to be FAST. (And as this article points out, that wasn't her only admonishment). Well, now in an interesting turn of events, Whitney — the epitome of urgency — was going to be interviewing with Cutrone for a position at her company, The People's Revolution. Poor girl.

Lauren took the news with muted enthusiasm. "That's so weird," she said, her voice trailing off. I half expected her to say, "It's weird that you'd get a great opportunity without me. Because it is my show and everything; so it's strange that I'd still be stuck here while you have a better job. Huh..."

Ultimately, Whitney got all sentimental and gushed, "I can't imagine walking in here every day and not seeing you." Awww. Well, the good news for Whitney was that she wasn't going to be walking into this office every day and not seeing Lauren. She's be walking into a different office and not seeing Lauren. That's the fun part about a new job: you get a new office. It's really amazing when you think about it. First a new job, THEN a new office. So many changes. EVERYTHING IS DIFFERENT AFTER PARIS!!!

We then cut to commercial, or rather, another awful installment of this Dove / Alicia Keys partnership thing. This week's vignette made borderline no sense. Last time, there was at least some sort of coherent story, but we weren't granted that privilege this time around. The plot roughly focused on one cute Asian girl lamenting the fact that all the other girls in her yoga class were hotter than her. This seemed kind of strange because, the Asian girl was fairly hot herself, and if this were real life, she'd be the one who the other girls in class would be jealous of. (Way to promote a proper body image, DOVE) Ultimately, in a mildly sapphic scene, Alicia Keys reminded her friend that she shouldn't get all down on body image. So what did this dumb girl do? She took all these cool things, including a perfectly fine yoga mat, and threw them in the garbage. WTF?? What about craigslist? Or eBay? Or GOOD-GODDAMN-WILL?

Of course, by the sounds of it, you'd think this advertainment was fairly straightforward, but the truth was that it was a jumbled mess of scenes, including some random physical comedy at the yoga studio and Alicia Keys awkwardly announcing that she wanted to get a smear on her bagel. She could not have sounded more unnatural. She might as well have been speaking pure nonsense. And that wasn't the only distracting moment in this awfulness. There was also the pint of wheat grass the Asian girl bought at a local juice bar. I think it may have been for comic effect, but honestly, I'm just not sure. It's astounding the amount of money that went into such an awful production.

"So, do you want to make out?"

But back to The Hills. When we came back from this Dove atrocity, we found Whitney walking into Kelly Cutrone's hectic Los Angeles office. A withering receptionist introduced herself to Whitney with a terse "Hi, I'm Jessica." She then added, "And I already hate you." Okay, maybe she didn't vocalize it, but it was in her eyes. The eyes, I tell you!

Whitney took a seat, and throughout the reception area, she could hear Kelly's piercing, harried voice addressing people on the phone. Finally, Lady Cutrone emerged from her office, but not before nearly bumping into some underling, the latter of whom became the instant recipient of a nasty glare — the sort of glare that said, "Why were you walking here? Did you not know I'd be walking out of my office at this very moment? Who do you think you are? QUEEN ELIZABETH?"

"You stepped in my shadow. You're fired."

Anyway, Kelly sat down with Whitney, and after exchanging some fleeting pleasantries (in a haggard sort of way), Lady Cutrone got into the heart of this not-interview. "Our office here is really about styling," she noted, which most certainly got Whitney excited. In case you hadn't heard, it's the only thing she's been talking about for the past two and a half episodes: I really want to go into styling. I really like styling. I just think that styling is more for me. WE GET IT.

Kelly then asked Whitney, "Why do you want to work on this side of [fashion]?" Before Whitney could answer, we then cut to a shot of Jessica staring from her desk, almost as if she were just dying to chime in with a hostile "YEAH!"

"Bitch."

Whitney gave some generic response, and then Kelly asked another softball question: "What are your strengths? Why should I let you come work here?" If I were Whitney, this is how I would answer that: "Umm... well... I'm really good at organization, I love fashion, and oh yeah, I'M ON MTV."

Unsurprisingly, Lady Cutrone (I don't know why I'm calling her that. It just fits) hired Whit on the spot, but not without a warning: "You're basically making a deal with the devil," she said, thus inferring that the devil was much more frenzied and bitchy than I had ever imagined. Kelly elaborated that Whitney would be giving up her life for this job, but on the plus side, she'd be getting a whole new one! An awful, bitchy new life! Yay!

"My head is about to roll off my neck. Catch it, Whitney. CATCH IT!!!!"

We then headed over to the Prana Cafe where Heidi and She-Spencer were perusing the lunch menu. Stephanie, for one, was blown away: "Oh my God," she said. "They have eggs benedict? This is like my new favorite restaurant." EGGS BENEDICT??? What are the odds?!? Next you're gonna tell me they have toast! That's crazy!!! Only in L.A., people. Only in L.A...

While Steph gushed over the rare food offerings, Heidi took this opportunity to relay a riveting story about how one time, Spencer ordered a muscle breakfast, and she asked him why he got it because he has no muscles, and he was all like "Shut up." Man, it was hilarious. Good times. Move over Garrison Keilor. We have the next great American storyteller.

As the lunch experience progressed, Stephanie did what she does best: cause trouble. First she proclaimed, "So, I think Spencer's moving in with me." I like how she says "I think" as if she still wasn't sure, despite her brother sleeping in her condo. Heidi seemed to take this news okay; so Steph then dealt the next blow: "You don't care if he dates other girls?" TROUBLEMAKER! Yes, even though Spencer had only merely talked about dating again, Stephanie full-on mixed the pot and made it sound like he'd already tangoed with half of Match.com. Unsurprisingly, Heidi balked at this and explained that she didn't want to break up with Spencer. She just wanted to start over. Steph appeared to be bored by this response. Either that, or she was quietly fantasizing about the eggs benedict. Seriously, eggs benedict at a café!!!

We then found Lauren and Audrina getting ready for a big night out. The girls were going to their favorite haunt: Les Deux, a.k.a. The Zoo (according to my wax-clogged ears a few weeks ago). As they prepped for a night of libations and revelry, Lauren expressed annoyance that Brody would be there. The simple option would be for the girls to just go somewhere else, but far be it for me to suggest that they ever leave the confines of Les Deux!

As the scene ended, Lauren and Audrina talked about being single, and while LC initially let out a cheer of excitement, she instantly mellowed out, quietly noting, "I'm actually really happy about it..." Yes, can't you see how thrilled she is? Her melancholy just speaks of pure, unadulterated joy. I shouldn't be so harsh though. She's probably still thinking about that guy from France. No, not Matthias. She already had her fling with him. I'm talking about the tambourine player. Oh, what could have been!

Anyway, the girls headed out to Les Deux where they met up with their young Hollywood clique. There was Frankie, sporting faux Kanye West lines in his hair (but without the style, panache, or coolness), and of course, next to him was none other than Brody, the guy who's not quite dating Lauren, but apparently isn't allowed to make out with anyone else EVER.

After having heard that the Brodester has a new girlfriend, Lauren was particularly frosty to him, which didn't suit his penchant for neediness. "You're not going to give me a hug? You're really not going to give me a hug right now?" he complained over and over again like some demented pariah Care Bear in desperate need of an embrace. Poor Brody. We saw how devastated he was when the girls laughed at his broken arm. This hug deprivation was like nothing he could even deal with. Lauren added insult to injury when she snapped, "Where's your girlfriend?" It seemed kind of, how do you say, bitchy? but I guess I'd be a bit prickly too if I had to deal with Brody Jenner while enduring jet lag.

Nevertheless, Brody countered with his own bon-mots: he asked Lauren how HER boyfriend was. That's right, he knew. "I have friends in Paris!" he announced. And by "friends" he meant "producers for The Hills." Eventually, Brody decided he didn't have to take any of this nonsense, and he stormed out of the room, leaving Frankie behind to pick up the pieces. He tried to play peacemaker, but Lauren absolved herself from any blame in the spat, saying, "I didn't do anything!" That's right. She did nothing... in a frosty, angry sort of way.

"Do I really have to be nice right now?" Lauren then asked.

"Yes," Frankie replied.

"Why?"

"Why not?"

Lauren didn't really have a response to that, but then again, I'm not convinced that the editors didn't just cut out twenty minutes of them saying "Because" "Because what?" "Because" "Why because?" "Why not because?" "Because why not because." And so on. If I'd been Lauren, I just would have ended it all very simply by stating, "Listen, Frankie. You don't understand. EVERYTHING IS DIFFERENT NOW. PARIS CHANGES EVERYTHING!!!!

Speaking of Paris, we then found Lauren and Lo noshing at French restaurant Comme Ça, and almost immediately, Lo could sniff out trouble. Something was wrong with her Master, and she was gonna get to the bottom of it. Sure enough, Lauren revealed that she was all blah these days thanks to the jet lag and Whitney leaving Teen Vogue and Brody. It all had left her feeling very je ne sais quoi.

Lauren vented that "Brody has a way of making me feel like I'm never good enough." She then added, "If only I had the capacity to hug with reckless abandon. But I can't. I CAN'T HUG EVERYONE ALL THE TIME!!! WHY LO? WHY????"

For her part, Lo just reiterated her favorite advice: "You need to find a nice boy." Good luck with that. With the young Hollywood crowd, you'd have a better chance at finding a unicorn at Les Deux than anyone that isn't interested in using Lauren to elevate their own fame.

Speaking of aspiring stars, we soon found Spencer unplugging his prized videogame console, asking the ultimate existential question: "What would I do without my XBox?" It's like I'm reading Sartre all over again.

As Spence packed up his belongings, a particularly pin-uppy Heidi observed, occasionally bickering about which TV each of them should get. She wanted the big one, but he had bought it. Whatever, Heidi, reasoned: the big TV and the little TV were the same price; so she was just as deserving of the big one. (Consider this a massive warning sign, Spencer. May there be a prenup in your future).

Spencer then shockingly revealed that there was a book in the apartment — and by "book" I don't mean a double issue of Us Magazine. There was a bona fide novel on their shelf; something called Empires of the Sand, I believe. I'd never heard of it, but then again, as much as I'd like to be all snobby right now about reading, the truth is that it's been months since I've read a book myself. Sigh. By the way, a quick look on Amazon reveals that Empires of the Sand is either a Dungeons and Dragons reference or an examination of the Middle East from 1789 to 1923 — two subjects that seem to just scream out Heidi and Spencer.

Of course, as I write this, it occurs to me that there's a very real possibility that Spencer said Empire of the Sun, which is actually a movie and makes a lot more sense. I could double check by going over to the TV and watching the scene again, but this is more fun. Something tells me I'm having another "zoo" moment.

(FYI -- I did go back and check the scene after all, and Spencer definitely said "Sands" not "Sun.")

Anyway, Spencer finally gathered up all his belongings, marched to the door, and in his patented pissy style, he said, "Enjoy your space!" And with that, he was gone. Eh. They'll be back together soon enough.

Similarly, we then found Whitney packing up her junk at Teen Vogue and cracking jokes about how her separation from Lauren would be like a long distance relationship. "It's so surreal," she said, perhaps referring to how few personal items she'd accumulated over the years at her job. She then got all nostalgic, recalling her and Lauren's first days on the job — going way back to that time when they almost got fired.... to that other time when they almost got fired... to that other time they messed up... to that OTHER time they messed up. And so on.

They also flashed back to the beginning of the Hills history to that very first Teen Vogue party that Heidi crashed. Whitney laughed that they should have known then that she was bad news. Understatement of the night. Lauren then smiled fondly at Whitney's bag and warmly noted that it was the same bag Whitney had worn on their very first day of work.

"That is weird," Whit replied, adding, "As in, that is weird that you remember that. STALKER." Actually, I think it was Lauren's subtle way of saying, "Um, you're two years out of style."

"You're still wearing that bag? And you're going into styling? Wow. Just... wow."

Ultimately, the conversation became speculative as the girls wondered how in the world they would manage in the workplace without each other by their sides. Whitney sadly asked, "What are we going to do without each other?" Oh, I don't know. REAL WORK?

As the episode ended, Lauren offered to help Whitney select her outfit for the first day of her new job. "And you have to comb my hair," Whitney said, adding, "And then we'll hold hands and make wishes and dream about starlight and rainbows. It'll be grand, Lauren. Just grand!"

So for now, separation is the name of the game. Whit and Laur have been torn asunder, not to mention Heidi and Spencer (and Audrina and Justin Bobby, for that matter). All the couples will inevitably reunite, but how?

In the meantime, we have a second Pratt-tastic episode to get to. I'm too tired to start it up tonight, but the recap should be up sometime on Tuesday, if all goes well. What did you think about this episode?