BIG BROTHER PHOTOCAP: Let The Fun Begin!

“Wait ’til you see these idiots.”

Big Brother is back, and based on last night’s premiere, I think I can say without over-exaggeration that we’ve got an awesome cast. While I liked the winter batch, this new clan of house guests are fantastic. CBS hyped up the diversity big time, and so far, it looks like this back-to-basics approach with casting has paid off. In short, I love these characters.
Of course, I could be riding the post-Big-Brother-premiere high, but I really do think this season has tons of potential. We already had great comedy with the clash of Renny, the eclectic hair stylist from N’Orleans, and Jessie, the whiny bodybuilder from Iowa. When he complained that her cackling (which was admittedly ear-piercing) had been keeping him awake, I couldn’t help but laugh as Renny simply dismissed it with a blasé “lighten up.” It’s about time we got a tough old cookie in the household (oh how I would have liked to have seen her face off against Evel Dick).
Then, of course, there’s Michelle, who was already my pre-premiere favorite. She might turn out to be deathly annoying, but for now, I can’t help but think she’s the best, especially after her no-nonsense introduction, “I’M MICHELLE.” I hope she lasts a few more weeks, if only so we can see just how salty her personality can get. And let’s not forget, she’s Portuguese, and apparently that makes her INSANE!!! I don’t know why that makes her insane, but maybe she’ll tell a whole bunch of off-color Ferdinand Magellan jokes (and let’s face it: that would be insane).
If Michelle is my favorite (for now), I’d have to give second place to Jerry (or Renny — I love old people on reality shows). How could you not like Jerry? He’s a great-grandpa! And he’s jolly! On the flip side, Jesse seems to be the biggest douche so far, and Brian looks to be not too far behind (however, if he proves to be an expert schemer, I could start to like him). Memphis also seems like he’s veering towards suckiness, but I’ll refrain from passing full judgment on him until the week plays out.
Curiously, I thought I’d hate Ollie, but he actually seemed okay. I liked how he told us, “I don’t drink. Alcoholic, that is,” — as if we thought he literally didn’t consume any liquids whatsoever. HE’S MAGICAL! And Dan, who I’m sure I will hate ultimately, didn’t grate me quite as badly as I thought he would have (give him time though). April, meanwhile, seems annoying, but her entertainment potential is through the roof. I liked how she introduced herself by saying, “I’m April, and IIIII know how to handle MEN!” Plus, she has OCD, which is always fun times. As for everyone else, I’m gonna need another day or two to make some definitive opinions. I must admit I was amused by Steven the gay cowboy. He announced to us that he didn’t want to share that he was gay just yet; however, during the nomination ceremony, his t-shirt, which featured a “Pure Gravy” logo, folded over in such a way that it actually read “Pure Gay.” Nice Mad Magazine hint there.
Anyway, enough talk. Time for the first true photocap of the season!

“My name’s Ollie, and I’m about to embarrass my family.”

“I’M MICHELLE. And I swear to God that if my brothah shoves that wicked delicious cupcake into my nose, I’m gonna punch him RIGHT IN THA KISSAH!”

Jessie’s favorite t-shirt. And by “natural,” he means “whiney.”

“Uh Mom… this is awkward.”

“I just hope this house doesn’t have any of those tricky push-pull doors…”

“But seriously, where am I?”

“Let’s get in that house and kick some pansy liberal ass!”

“We’re gonna be so famous after this…”

“Hey everyone, it’s like the ’60s! Peace and love! Peace and love! This is gonna be a blast. WHERE’S MY VALIUM?”

“Should I start bitching now? Or do you want me to wait a little?”

“Hey guys, I just want you to know that I know how to handle MEN.”

“See? Look at me: handling a MAN.”

“Would anyone mind if I sang the best of Judy Garland right now? Or how about the theme song to It’s A Living?”

“I’m a professional mixologist. I work for SBE. Heidi Montag is literally my boss. PLEASE HELP ME.”

“You know what I feel like doing right now? WHINING.”

April: “I’m going to use my SEXUALITY! Also, those flowers are out of place.”

“I just got a boner for the first time in twenty-five years!”

“I can’t decide. Do I look more like Timmy from Road Rules or Chris Eigeman from Metropolitan…

“So… does anyone else feel like STABBING someone right now?”

“Somebody get me out of this Volkswagen Beetle. Its ties to liberal counter-culture are suffocating me!!!”

And now we pause for some poetic commentary on the gas crisis.

“You might think this is a paisley pattern on my shirt, but actually, it’s just two years of accumulated bird shit.”

“Yeah, totally… So you wanna make out?”

“The door is locked! We’re trapped! It literally will not push open, and as far as I can tell, that’s the only way to open a door.”

“Sweet freedom! I’m so happy, I could laugh like a dying crow!”

“I’m not blaming Renny for waking me up. I’m just saying she’s the reason I’m up.”

“I just can’t believe this. It’s 9:45 PM! Who does she think she is?”

“I just totally crapped in this chair.”

“Well, if this doesn’t work out, I can always call up Moishe and get my job back at the shmata factory.”

“Liberals… slowly… killing me…”

“They’ll never suspect that I’m pure gay. NEVER.”