My Trip to the 'Big Brother' Live Show

The day started off rather innocuously. I picked up my friends Jash, IndianJones, and Dan, and we headed over to Studio City where the Big Brother compound resides. Even though we arrived ninety minutes prior to the show, we were shocked to see that most of the audience had shown up before us. Who were these people? And why were they so early? Nevertheless, we took our places towards the back of the line and quietly lamented both the heat and our lowly position. We also lamented the fact that despite the instructions to wear business casual, there seemed to be many people who had stretched the definition of that term. One man in particularly had arrived wearing a deeply v-necked t-shirt with images of scissors all over it. It really made no sense. At least another guy with a braided rat-tail and dolphin earrings matched some sort of ill-conceived Santa Fe hippie aesthetic. But the scissor shirt? I just didn't get it. Based on a casual survey of the crowd, we decided that we were by and large the best dressed group present. Kudos, us.

Anyway, after waiting around for about thirty minutes (I don't know the timeframe since we had to leave our cellphones, which double as our watches, in the car), the CBS pages ushered us towards the soundstage. We were told to walk two-by-two, but we couldn't help noticing some strange guy joining our group, thus making one of our rows three people wide. We didn't know who he was, and we did not like the visual inference that he was somehow part of our clique, but luckily, a few judgmental glares caused him to drop back and create his own line of ONE (ha!) behind us. Problem solved.

Finally, we were loaded into the studio, and since we had been at the back of the line, the pages sat us correspondingly in the back of the audience. We were kind of bummed about this, but if it was any consolation, the increased altitude of our seats afforded us a wide view of the Chenbot's domain. Little did we realize that our placement was actually fairly optimal for on-camera appearances.

Well, once we were all in place, a CBS page stepped out onto the floor and made an announcement about cell phones. Specifically, we were not to have any, and if for some reason we had snuck one through security, by God we were gonna be in trrrrrroooooubbbbblle!!!! This page was not messing around. She got angrier and angrier the more she spoke, and at one point, Jash and I couldn't help but laugh. I mean, she was being ridiculous. Just imagine Chelsia and Shelia having a love child, and that love child scolding you about cell phone usage. It was like that.

WELL.

Apparently, laughing was a big no-no. While Jash and I tried to contain ourselves (we weren't making any noise, mind you), another page/security guard who looked not unlike Brett Butler interrupted the first page and said, "YOU TWO ARE LAUGHING, BUT THIS ISN'T FUNNY!"

Oh God. She was talking to us.

"IF YOUR CELL PHONE GOES OFF, SO HELP ME GOD, I WILL COME UP THERE AND TEAR IT AWAY FROM YOU. I WILL BEAT IT OUT OF YOU."

This of course prompted everyone in the audience to crane their heads and stare at us. Instant mortification. Unsurprisingly, this did little to ease our giggles. If anything, it augmented them. We didn't want to be thrown out though; so we informed the page that we didn't even have cell phones on us. I don't think she believed us. I say this because she then replied:

"I'M SERIOUS. I WILL COME UP THERE. I WILL GRAB IT SO FAST..."

She then proceeded to mutter variations on this for the next two minutes, and for a moment, I seriously thought we would be ejected. Thankfully, we moved on from this uncomfortable/hilarious impasse when a producer came out and started playing TV Trivia with the audience to warm us up (no need for my group — we were already quite excited). I won't bore you with the details of TV Trivia, but I will say that the producer split the audience into two teams, and the other team got crazy easier questions. (The other team, I should add, was headed by the dolphin-earring guy.)

Anyway, after about twenty-five minutes of TV trivia, it was time to get ready for the show. There was a flurry of activity, and suddenly, descending on the set like a happy, svelte pumpkin, Julie Chen appeared and waved to the loudly cheering audience. Jash and I, longtime Chenbot fans, were besides ourselves; IndianJones was merely enthused that TV trivia was over; and Dan, well, he's always happy and excited; so it was just more of the same for him.

Well, Julie soon retreated to the front of the stage (a.k.a. away from us) where she reviewed her lines, and meanwhile, a friendly stage manager talked to us for about five minutes about on-camera etiquette (don't look at the teleprompter, don't look up at the monitors, don't make faces, etc.). Honestly, it was hard for me to pay attention to him because the entire time, the Chenbot was just STANDING THERE with her back to us at the edge of the stage. The tangerine brightness alone was enough to divert my attention, but the fact that it was Julie Chen, my favoritest hostess of all time, meant that I could barely even hear what the stage manager was saying. Occasionally, a set PA would snap a photo of "Ms. Chen" (as Dan calls her). I suppose it was for continuity or wardrobe or who knows what, but the best part was that every time he took a picture, Julie would put her hands on her hips and do this little psuedo Tyra pose. It was, in short, fantastic.

Nevertheless, as 5:00 PM rapidly approached (that's when the show went live on the East Coast, for all you time zone novices), Julie did a full run-through of her opening monologue. Jash and I continued to silently kvell that we were right there and that we were in the presence of the real Chenbot talking. Strangely enough, since Julie had a mic on, we didn't hear her voice coming from her mouth, but rather from a speaker system somewhere up in the ceiling. This created a strange disembodied quality, which normally would have thrown me off, but being that she is a robot and all, it just seemed... fitting.

The truth is, however, that Julie is anything but a robot. After the rehearsal, she chatted up the crowd a little, asking us who we liked and disliked. She was very animated and even cracked a few passing jokes. It made her eventual transformation into the Chenbot that much more intriguing. How can someone switch from goofy to formal so quickly? She must be running some high level software. Maybe the newest build of Leopard?

Anyway, soon the clock struck five, and it was time to go live on the East Coast. Julie did her thing, and I did my absolute best to keep my eyes on her (as we were instructed) and not on the ubiquitous teleprompters. Good thing I did. I had no idea that a) I would be framed precisely behind her shoulder in the shot, and b) that the lighting scheme and the light blue color of my shirt would conspire to give me a perma-spotlight ALL NIGHT LONG — a veritable "Touched By An Angel effect," as writer brilliantmistake (of MSR) described it. Actually, IndianJones also had the spotlight on him too, but he was often obscured by Julie Chen or cut off by the camera (poor Dan was horrified to discover that he was excised from nearly ever good shot of our group).

Well, after Julie's first segment (or "stand up," as it's called in the biz) wrapped, we then watched the first video package on the monitors overhead. I had never watched Big Brother with so many people all at once (let alone the HOSTESS too), and I have to admit, it was pretty awesome. Certain scenes, such as Libra and Keesha badmouthing Michelle, elicited laughter from the audience — something that enhanced the viewing experience to wonderful new levels. I sincerely believe the producers should keep the audio up on the audience during the video portions, much like Celebrity Apprentice did during its live finale. So much of reality TV is a communal experience, and to hear how others are reacting to parts of the show is sort of, well, awesome.

I should note that the audience was full of Big Brother fans. We sort of assumed over half the crowd were just tourists who wanted to see a show taping, but no, there were definitely some ardent viewers present. A few people had even gone to the live show last week — something the stage manager happily pointed out. He insisted that we all come back again next week. And the week after that. Not a problem — I already have tickets for the next two weeks.

HOWEVER — and here's a side rant — today Jash and I received emails from the ticketing company saying that since we had already gone to the live show, we would be automatically placed on standby for all future shows we had tickets to so that others could partake in the experience. This is bullshit because a) we obtained our tickets fair and square. Not my fault others were lazy; b) The people at Big Brother ENCOURAGED us to come back; and c) this was never in any of the small print when ordering the tickets. Oh, and D) the people who went to the show last week managed to get higher priority in the ticket line than us this week. I'm calling massive bullshit on this practice, and I don't care what they say. I'm seeing the shows I rightfully ordered tickets for. If they keep me out, let it be known that I will not go down quietly.

Anyway, back to the Big Brother experience. As we watched the show progress, I really had to respect the quiet juggling act that Julie Chen must perform. I don't think we truly appreciate it at home on the couch, but there are tons of "moving parts," if you will, that go into the live show. With all the interviews and voting — not to mention the HOH competition — there's a ton that she has to stay on top of. Granted, most hosts of live (or live-to-tape) shows must balance many things all at once, but I've been to Dancing with the Stars and I used to work on Late Night with Conan O'Brien, and I can say that compared to those two shows, Julie definitely seemed to have the most complicated set of variables to work with (I'm sure Tom Bergeron and Conan would disagree with me. Thankfully, they don't read this blog).

Overall, I'd say there were two highlights to the entire hour. First was Steven's eviction. His "Suck it, bitches" speech — apparently an ode to Kathy Griffin — was jarring to say the least, and being there in the live studio audience, I was more than happily to participate in first the "Wow" murmur, and then the laughter as Julie reacted. Later, when it came time for Steven to emerge, I felt as if my worlds were colliding. The reality that the entire cast was just on the other side of the wall behind me set in. I snuck a peak at the monitor at the ceiling and saw Steven opening the first door out of the house — just like I always see every week on TV. However, this time, when the door closed behind him, I heard it behind me. A second later, there he was right in front of me. Like I said before, it was literally like watching someone step out of the TV and into your life. Surreal doesn't even begin to describe it.

Later, as Steven cried during the goodbye messages, I couldn't help but think how bizarre it was that we were all just there staring at him bawling. What a strange position to be in. Of course, my pensive thoughts were soon interrupted by Jessie's moronic goodbye comments in which he managed to spend more time complimenting himself than saying anything about Steven. The audience let out a collective groan, but at one point, Jessie was being so ridiculous, that Jash and I let out a simultaneous guffaw. A loud guffaw, I should add. So loud you can literally hear it in the background of the show. We weren't trying to be disruptive, but how could we not laugh at Jessie? To quote G.O.B. from Arrested Development, "I mean, C'MON!!!"

Amusingly enough, when we went to the next commercial break, a girl in front of me turned around and said to me, "I'm really looking forward to reading this on your blog tomorrow." Wh-wh-whaaaa??? Did I just get recognized? I felt so cool, you don't even know. Of course, I didn't act cool. I just kind of stuttered a "Wow" and a "thank you," much to the amusement of my friends. Later, I found out the girl's name was Kristel — so everyone say hi to Kristel since I'm sure she's reading this.

After the interview, we then moved onto the Head of Household competition, which proved to be the second highlight of the night. What y'all at home might not realize is that the stage manager spends the entire competition standing next to a bulletin board with each player's face attached to it. As players are eliminated, he moves their pictures from the top of the board to the bottom. Since last night's game involved a head-to-head component, the stage manager also placed the two current players in their own special area of the board for as long as they were on screen. It's hard to describe, but it was absolutely fascinating to watch. I should note that Julie watches the action unfold on the screen, but I imagine the bulletin board is there to provide any backup in case something were to go wrong or if she needed faster visual feedback. The point is, it was really cool.

Plus, watching the HOH competition with a group of a hundred or so people was fun in and of itself. We were all so caught up in the action, we couldn't help but clap when it was over, something that apparently last week's audience failed to do (losers).

Once the live show was wrapped, the producers brought Steven back out, and we watched as Julie taped an interview with him for today's Early Show. As my friends and I all commented, this was so very convenient. How great not to have to wait an entire twelve hours for the post-mortem. Plus, what we got to see was entirely unedited. BEST BIG BROTHER EXPERIENCE EVER!

(I should also mention that since the interview was not live, we got see even more of Julie's personality. Seriously, she's very animated — and funny).

All in all, it was a great time. As Big Brother fans, we all felt massively fulfilled. Hopefully I'll be back next week, depending on if the ticketing Nazis relent with their unfair new policy. Thank you to CBS and the Big Brother people for putting on such a great show!