HILLS RECAP: To Old Friends and New Beginnings

The big ol' premiere started with the obligatory recap, courtesy of Lauren, who announced, "Last season on The Hills..." Yes, last season. Or as I like to call it, THREE WEEKS AGO. Nevertheless, Lauren continued with a line that I could only imagine her saying with palms held upwards and a goofy look on her face: "Who knew life in LA would change so much so fast?" Well, I imagine the producers probably knew. And the execs. And the casting office. And, you know, EVERYONE WHO WANTS TO MAKE GOOD TELEVISION. I mean, if it didn't change so much so fast, I'd fear that season four would consist solely of Lauren cleaning up Ashes's litter box and occasionally sorting through mail. And by the way, I would be totally cool with that.

Anyway, as the recap flitted along, we were treated to fond memories such as the ghastly, Nightmare Before Christmas presence of Kelly Cuttrone and of course Heidi's dalliance with Vegas nightlife. In terms of the latter situation, we learned that Heidi's choice to spurn her promotion has gotten her into trouble at work. So much trouble that Brent Bolthouse had to tell her, "You're gonna have to earn my trust." He then added, "Oh, the MTV cameras are still here? Never mind. Get me a tuna sandwich, and we'll call it even. Oh, and here's a raise."

Ultimately though, the recap ended on an uncomfortable note as Lauren bemoaned the growing tension between Audrina and Lo. "Sometimes," LC warned, "things have to get worse before they get better." You know, LIKE THE HOLOCAUST.

That's right. I went there. In fact, I think Lauren should have said it. And next time Lo and Audrina fight, Lauren can just say, "What is this? THE HOLOCAUST?"

Okay, now I'll stop.

Anyway, speaking of concentration camps, the show began in earnest at our favorite sweatshop, People's Revolution, where the promise of encountering resident scarecrow Kelly Cuttrone was both exciting and repulsive. Luckily, the producers staved her off for now, knowing that scaring the wee ones might not be the best way to kick off season four. Now, if Lisa Love were still in the picture, I'd be singing a different tune. Nevertheless, we found Lauren and Whitney doing what they do best: fussing over a clothing rack. Yes, if there are any two women who excel at putting things on and taking things off hangers, it's these two. They must have it down to an art by now, seeing how it's the only thing we've ever seen them do at work for the past three seasons.

Sure enough, Whitney plucked a denim something-or-another off the rack and declared, "These got all messed up!" GOOD GOD!!! This season was only three seconds old, and already we had major drama! MESSED UP DENIM!!!

Despite this sartorial disaster, the girls managed to persevere, thanks to Lauren who announced that she was throwing Audrina a birthday party that weekend. Hmmm... sounds good, but will Audrina actually be invited? Part of me feels like she'll be locked away in her guest house, occasionally sent a slice of birthday cake on the back of Lauren's dog while Lo sips some white wine, shrugs, and says "That's the way she wanted it! How much more of an effort can I make?"

Anyway, while Whitney oohed and ahhhed, Lauren noted, "Loaf's helping." Loaf? What the? Oh, LO! I thought she said Loaf. Kind of a funny name though. I do love Lo, but she has been very Loafish when it comes to Audrina. Nevertheless, Lauren noted that in regards to the party "Lo's helping; so hopefully it will smooth things out at home." Yes. I'm sure it will be absolutely smooth. Granted, Lo will probably hone her inner Medea and give Audrina a poison dress, but that's neither here nor there.

In other news, LC then revealed that she had an impending date. She'd be going out with a guy she used to date when she was eighteen. Long story short: he went to another school (hopefully not Mission Viejo. We know how those Laguna kids feel about THEM), she went to his prom, and yada yada yada, she ran into him last Thursday!

"That is such a small world," Whitney marveled. Not really though. I mean, it's not like they ran into each other in the middle of Florence or something like that, but I suppose I can put my "small world" snobbery to the side for now. OR CAN I? (No) (But I'll move on)

Anyway, Lauren then revealed her new boy's name. Doug. Or as I like to call him, DOUG. Apparently, I wasn't the only one who laughed at the name. Whitney cracked up too, saying "Doug's such a funny name." Truth is that the name isn't intrinsically funny, but it's more the concept that Lauren would date someone named DOUG that's so amusing. I figured her next guy who be someone named Hunter or Connor or Kellan or Avery. Not DOUG.

We then headed into the opening credits and learned the title for this premiere episode: "WE'LL NEVER BE FRIENDS." Dunh dunh DUNH! Immediately we knew this was a reference to Audrina and Loaf, er, Lo, but there was an outside shot it could have pertained to Heidi and her mortal enemy: self-awareness. Speaking of Heidi, we soon found our flaxen waif sauntering through the SBE offices with this summer's slutty anthem, "When I Grow Up," appropriately blasting in the background. I must commend whoever chose that song because a) it's the perfect commentary on Heidi, b) it's the first time the Pussycat Dolls have ever been used to ironic ends, and c) it really just underscored the general trashiness of all parties involved. I mean, Heidi and the Pussycat Dolls are fairly trashy on their own, but put them together in the same scene, and it's like a Voltron of Sluttiness. Well done. Well done.

Anyway, we learned that Heidi's sister was coming to town for the weekend, but alas, Heidi was not excited. "It's like the worst timing ever," Heidi complained. She then added, "I have to go record another awful, awful song." Okay, she didn't say that. Instead, Heidi explained to semi-sidekick Kimberly that "Spencer just moved back in, and we're trying to work things out." STILL? That's so second-half-of-season-three.

Oh, but it gets worse. Turns out Heidi hadn't quite been upfront about her sister's visit with Spencer, noting "I haven't told him she's coming." Uh oh. Spencer might actually have to get up off the couch, God forbid. This could only spell disaster! Hopefully Heidi's sister will bring a box set of 24 to smooth things over.

Ah, but it gets more complex! "She doesn't know he's there," Heidi revealed. Okay, let me explain something to you, Heidster. It's called GROUP EMAIL. DONE. Nevertheless, Heidi joked that she'd be rushing home, inflating the air mattress as quickly as possible. And by "air mattress," she meant "my boobs... and my lips... and my butt. And my boobs again."

Over at Epic Records, we saw an alarmingly plain woman answering a phone. What the? Does she even know she's on The Hills? Be gone, average person! This show is only for the beautiful and the tan! Excuse me while I extinguish the vile taste of normalcy from my mouth.

Luckily, we never saw Sarah Plain and Tall again as we shifted over to Audrina, who was chatting it up with her eager sidekick Chiara. Aud told her about her upcoming birthday party, causing poor Chiara's face to form a puppy-dog hopefulness that just screamed out "PLEASE TAKE ME!!!" When Audrina then explained who was organizing the event, Chiara replied, "Lauren's throwing you a birthday party? ...That's gonna be interesting." She then added, "You should probably TAKE ME ALONG."

"Please take me. Please. I'm begging you. I'll be forever indebted. YOU'RE SO BEAUTIFUL."

Audrina then registered some concerns about Lo, saying, "Lo's always super bitchy. That's just how she is." But you know, aside from that she's great!

Meanwhile, over at Heidi's apartment, we met her younger sister, Holly. Really? Heidi and Holly? And they're from a quaint ski town in Colorado? I feel like their mom was trying to recreate some sort of ill-advised, real-life version of a Swiss Miss box. Nevertheless, poor Holly (who looks like the spitting image of her mom) had unsurprisingly arrived early and was now stuck in the apartment with a bearded Spencer, who silently played videogames, not even attempting to entertain his future sister-in-law. It was awkward, to say the least.

"I really thought there was a '90s convention today."

Luckily, Heidi soon arrived and greeted her sister, prompting Spencer to huff off to another room, perhaps to tend to his "flesh-colored beard," as The Soup likes to call it. "I better check in on him for a sec," Heidi told her sister, adding, "He still needs help going potty."

Okay, she didn't say that last part, but Heidi did march into the bedroom and scold Spencer. Well, scold as much as Heidi is capable of scolding. "Please be nice," she said.

"That's my middle name," Spencer replied, but don't be deceived. His full name is Spencer Douchebag Asshole Squareface Oblivious Awful Nice Pratt.

Elsewhere in Hollywood (but ironically not the Hills), Lauren was getting ready for her big date, and in typical sidekick manner, Lo observed from a healthy distance and bestowed flattery upon her Master. "I'd totally date you," Lo said jokingly (but maybe not so? It was one of those weird moments). Nevertheless, they talked about DOUG, and Lo offered that if the date went well, Lauren should totally invite him to Audrina's birthday. She then added, "WHICH I WILL RUIN."

Then, to the tune of "American Boy," DOUG showed up at the door looking all clean and Ryan Reynolds-ish. He and Lauren hopped in his car, and as they drove along, she asked him if he was hungry. Doug said yes, but not before turning and staring at Lauren's face while he answered. KEEP YOUR EYES ON THE ROAD, DOUG. You got the damn star of the show in your car. BE CAREFUL.

"There's a truck coming? I don't see a truck. I just see your beautiful eyes."

Anyway, we learned that Lauren used to be a mildly obsessive stalker when it came to Doug, constantly driving by his house and calling him. Too bad Lauren didn't also tell him about the voodoo doll she fashioned in his likeness. Or the time she boiled his pet bunny. Ah, good times.

The two eventually arrived at the Red Pearl Kitchen for dinner, and as they settled into their seats, DOUG asked, "So, what have you been doing the last four years of your life?" Really, Doug? Really? You can rent her life on DVD for crying out loud. It's called the mass media. LOOK INTO IT.

Somehow Lauren resisted the impulse to say, "You see these cameras that have been following us? Yeah, they're here because I have a TV show that you're on RIGHT NOW." Instead, she merely ordered a "fuzzy dragon" from the waitress, and while I'm sure the drink is quite benign, it sounded like something kinky and possibly related to Spencer's beard. But that's neither here nor there. DOUG, it should be noted, stayed away from all libations pertaining to tactile descriptors and Chinese mythological beasts. Instead he opted for a Stella, causing me to imagine him saying, "Hi, my name's DOUG, and this is my beer, STELLA."

Anyway, Lauren cooed that a drink says a lot about a person — an observation I might have kept to myself had I just ordered a fuzzy dragon. Nevertheless, she commented that Doug's beer, STELLA, suggested that he was a real guy's guy. I guess now would be a good time to note that Stella is my default beer of choice at bars. High-five, DOUG!

Amusingly enough, just seconds after placing the drink order, Doug then asked Lauren, "Can we do this again sometime?" What? Order drinks? Surely he couldn't be asking to go on another date. This one's hardly even begun! Apparently Lauren didn't mind this accelerated timetable because she happily invited him to Audrina's birthday party.

"You can meet some of my friends," she beamed. To which I imagined Doug saying, "Great. Can't wait to meet your new crew. Remember that one girl you used to hang out with? Lo, was it? God, I hated her. Whatever happened to her?"

"You are going to love my friends. They all hate each other, but you will LOVE them!"

After the commercial break, we found Holly (who looked both older and younger) in her sister's kitchen making breakfast, which apparently is a horrifying offense in Speidi land. Heidi, obviously awake earlier than usual, was a good sport about her early bird sister, but Spencer, the resident "late bird" / fuzzy dragon acted like a grump, going so far as to reject the breakfast that Holly had cooked up for him. It was entirely too early to eat, he claimed. Dude, I don't care who you are — if someone cooks you breakfast, you eat it.

Well, Heidi told Spencer to be respectful, and he barked back, "Why don't you mind your own business?" Oh SNAP! Fuzzy Dragon was pissy! I'd sure like Wendy Williams in there to whip him into shape. You don't talk to your woman like that, no matter how closely she resembles a blow-up doll.

"Don't be rude," Heidi lashed back.

"Don't wake me up," Spencer retorted.

"Don't sleep until 12!" Heidi countered.

DON'T BE SUCH IDIOTS.

Thankfully, Holly stopped this madness before it got completely out of hand by passive-aggressively observing the state of the sink: "Some of these dishes look like they've been in here for a month or so." Yeah, it's too bad there's no one around during the day who can take care of them. OH WAIT.

Ultimately, Spencer threw a tantrum and stomped back off to bed, slamming the door behind him. Why did he get up and get dressed in the first place? Just to go back to sleep? Ah, the mythic fuzzy dragon is a mysterious beast, its whims unknown to man.

I should probably stop calling him the fuzzy dragon. It implies some sort of virility. Perhaps the fuzzy douche? Too literal. I'll think about it.

Meanwhile, over at Lauren's house, Audrina's BBQ party was just getting underway, and guess who showed up? None other than Frankie and DOUG, who were both wearing dumb Lakers jerseys. Seriously, I know people wear basketball jerseys to games, and that's fine, but last time I checked, Kobe wasn't shooting three-pointers in Lauren's backyard. Bring a change of clothes, jerks. Furthermore, when did Frankie and DOUG become such good friends? The only explanation is that a) this was taped long after that first date, or b) they were pre-existing friends, which kind of undermines Whitney's whole "small world!" comment. (I told you I'm a "small world" snob).

Anyway, as Frankie and DOUG made themselves comfortable, the camera settled in quite closely on Audrina's new boobs, which are bigger, tanner, and soon to be featured in the epic straight-to-DVD masterpiece, Into The Blue 2. I think this was the first time The Hills has ever blatantly ogled one of its stars. I mean, all we saw were breasts. And future melanomas, but that's beside the point.

Well hello.

Soon the party began to fill up with all of Audrina's rocker friends, which surely must have made Frankie and DOUG feel out of place. No one was more turned off, however, than Lo, who eyed the strangers from her kitchen and said, "So many people..." Translation: who the hell let these dirtbags into MY backyard?

Picking up on her friend's burgeoning snobbery, Lauren chirped, "Be my charming Lo that I know and love." To which Lo replied, "I'm not familiar." Okay, she didn't say that, but she must have been quite confused at this whole "charming" concept. Later, Lo asked Audrina who all these rowdy guests were, and Aud explained that they were her friends that she goes out with. This set the stage for an absolutely stupendous burst of passive-aggression from Lo, reminding us why we still love her, even as she enters an increasingly bitchy phase.

"Well," she said, glaring at the hooligans in the pool, "We're just gonna have to enjoy the company that comes."

SLAM!!!

"Really? Those are your friends?"

Oh, Loaf! You just couldn't contain yourself, could you? With that, Audrina swiftly returned to the party, leaving Lauren to glower at Lo in a way that seemed to say, "You've been a baaaaad sidekick!"

"Bad sidekick! BAD!"

In less exciting news, while the party raged on, Heidi took her sister to the Privé salon to get a makeover. Soon Holly would understand the value of looking slutty too! As sis got her hair did, she asked Heidi why she never seemed to share anything with Mom anymore. Through the back and forth, Heidi accused Holly and the fam of not trusting her, causing Heidi to assert, "We do trust you... In a not so trusting sort of way. You just make very bad decisions. ALL THE TIME." Okay, she didn't say any of that last part, but she did say she didn't want Heidi to make any further sacrifices for her relationship with Spencer. And by sacrifices, she meant "ME" and "YOUR FAMILY" and "YOUR DIGNITY" and "THE REST OF YOUR NOSE." As you can imagine, Holly's concern fell on deaf ears.

Back at the party, Justin Bobby showed up, hopefully to regale the assembled crowd with his words of wisdom about "society" and "stuff." LC, meanwhile, tore herself away from DOUG to check on Lo, who'd been apparently upstairs playing with the Doug, I mean, dog. She explained that she didn't really know any of Audrina's friends, prompting LC to tell her to make an effort. "I feel like we are making an effort," Lo said. Yes, as can be evidenced by Lo physically separating herself from the party all day. In Lo's defense, she DID walk into the kitchen for about thirty seconds; so obviously, the ball's in Audrina's court now.

Actually, according to Lo, she'd been in the kitchen all day doing stuff for Audrina, and there'd been no sense of reciprocity whatsoever. I'm not quite sure I understood this. Did Lo want Audrina to cook stuff for the party also? Isn't part of throwing someone a party that you're doing something completely for them? Perhaps the biggest offense for Lo, however, was that at the end of this little micro spat, she managed to get cake on her dress. For shame! I half expected her to insist that Audrina get cake on her dress too, you know, in the spirit of reciprocation.

Well, all things aside, there wasn't any fighting or bickering or screaming or tears; so this impasse wasn't really the end of the world. However, don't tell that to Lauren. She cornered Frankie in the middle of the bustling party and announced, "THIS IS A DISASTER!" She then added, "It's the HOLOCAUST OF PARTIES!" (See? I brought it back.) Honestly, I really didn't know what she was talking about. Everyone was having fun, Audrina seemed happy, and DOUG was making new friends. But I guess the whole Audrina-Loaf issue was weighing on poor LC, which is why Frankie finally suggested that maybe the two girls shouldn't be friends. This was unacceptable to Lauren, who said she just wanted it to go back to the way it was. Ha. Good luck with that.

After the commercial (which featured a preview for the House Bunny — not gonna lie, it made me laugh!), we returned to Speidi's apartment where Holly was about to head off in a cab. I will say that her hair did look better; although, it had certainly lost some of its innocent, wholesome appeal. Nevertheless, as the girls said goodbye, Holly came up with an ever so convenient suggestion: "Maybe I should just move out here!" This was greeted by Spencer slamming down the taxi trunk (nice touch, editors). Holly seemed unfazed by Spencer's percussive acts of disapproval, and she explained her thinking: "I don't really have anything going on in Colorado." And hey, Spencer doesn't really have anything going on in Los Angeles. So you guys do have something in common after all!

Unsurprisingly, Heidi invited her sister to stay with them, causing Spencer to later ask, "Why would you say that?" I guess he forgot about the time last season when he invaded HIS sister's place when he was in need of lodging. Oh well. That's the thing with idiots: they're IDIOTS.

Back at the People's Revolution, Lauren gave a wide-eyed Whitney the post mortem on the absolutely horrendous, disastrous, catastrophic BBQ of '08. She expressed frustration that she spent so much time with the Audrina and Lo situation that she completely ignored Doug. Of course, Lauren's forgetting that she's on MTV, which means that Doug will most certainly be back in a heartbeat. Plus, how much time did the "drama" really consume? Like ten minutes? Fifteen max?

But enough about this. Let's get to the heart and soul of the episode: the much-hyped Lodrina confrontation.

In a move that would be as shocking as Osama Bin Laden turning himself in to the FBI, Lo deigned to enter Audrina's guest house/dungeon to try to patch things up. Of course, we knew it wouldn't be easy when the first thing Audrina cheerfully observed was that this was the first time Lo had paid her a visit. Let the awkwardness begin!

Well, Audrina and Lo sat down on the Cry Couch — named that since everyone who sits on it winds up crying at some point or another. Would its magic work on Lo? Unlikely.

Nevertheless, the conversation started off with some generic small talk, with Lo asking Aud how she enjoyed her party. "At one point, I had to go in the front yard just to get away from everyone," Audrina replied, adding, "Were you hiding in the front yard too? Because I DIDN'T SEE YOU." Okay, she did not say that. Instead, Lo kind of smiled and nodded, and then when she'd had enough, she basically said, "Yeah, the party was fun. ANYWAY..." That was her way of saying, "Okay, enough of that. My turn."

The two then began to talk about their relationship, and while Lo said she's tried to make efforts, Audrina responded that they just don't seem to click. Furthermore, Aud expressed feelings of being an outsider to Lo and Lauren.

"I don't think that I put you on the outside," Lo responded, clearly forgetting when she and Lauren quite literally put Audrina OUTSIDE the main house.

Audrina then continued to explain the group's dynamics and how she felt about them, but again, Lo cut it off with a curt, "Yeah, I completely agree." MY TURN AGAIN, BITCH! And once again, Lo refused to accept even a shred of responsibility in the growing abyss between them. This unsurprisingly made Audrina a bit more snippy as she pointed out that Lo frequently has an attitude, but Lo rejected that idea, saying instead that there was a strong part of her that just wanted to be friends with Audrina. And by "friends," Lo means a girl she can ignore completely.

"i just feel like I have friends that actually treat me good, and I feel included," said a grammatically challenged Audrina. "And I feel like you don't do that."

Bam!

Once again, Lo attempted her same old line, again implying that it was all Audrina's fault: "I feel like we're really making an effort, and if you don't want to put as much back..."

But Audrina, clearly frustrated with this conversation, cut Lo off and announced, "I just don't care."

Slam!

"WE'LL NEVER BE FRIENDS."

SLAMMM!!!!!

"Basically, I hate you."

Who'd have thought it would be Audrina to lay the verbal smackdown on Lo? Well, with that, Lo got up and left, and while she lost the argument, she certainly didn't let the Cry Couch get the best of her. Tears shed: 0. Love lost? NONE.

This burgeoning feud promises to be a fantastic backbone to this season. What did you think? Can Audrina and Lo ever patch things up? Who's at fault? And what do you think about DOUG? And Holly for that matter?