An Open Letter To The Candidates From Mario

Dear Mr. a-McCain and Mr. a-Obama,

I'm so mad I could throw a meat-a-ball at you for spending all your a-debate talking about Joe the Plumber. Last time I checked, Joe the Plumber never risked his a-life saving a royal member of the Mushroom Kingdom, and yet all you a-two do is talk about Joe. Joe deserves this. Joe deserves that. You know who's the most deserving plumber? It's a me, Mario!

Eight a-castles I went through, and after almost every a-one of the them, some lady told me I was in the wrong a-one. But did I ever complain? Mamma mia, no! Joe the Plumber though, he's a-complainin' left and right. Let a-me ask you this: Can this a-Joe guy throw fire from his hands? I donna think so. Can this a-Joe guy play every sport in the world, including golf, tennis, baseball, soccer, and several events from the Beijing Olympics? I donna think so. Can this a-Joe guy throw a party so good, they a-call it Joe Party? No, he can't. They don't a-even call him "Super." You a-know why? Because he's a pussy, like my a-brother a-Luigi. Except Luigi actually has balls. And they're shaped like Boo the ghost. It's a-strange.

So here's my a-point, Senators. Next time you a-feel like singling out a member of my profession, make sure it's someone who's stepped on at least one turtle in his life, okay?

Let's a-go!

Mario