An Open Letter To The Candidates From Mario

In the wake of last night’s third and final Presidential debate, Joe the Plumber received quite the amount of attention from Barack Obama and John McCain. Many Americans were puzzled by this, and none more so than our most celebrated plumber, Mario. I have obtained this exclusive copy of a letter written by Mario to both candidates expressing his frustration about the situation. Please take note.

Dear Mr. a-McCain and Mr. a-Obama,

I’m so mad I could throw a meat-a-ball at you for spending all your a-debate talking about Joe the Plumber. Last time I checked, Joe the Plumber never risked his a-life saving a royal member of the Mushroom Kingdom, and yet all you a-two do is talk about Joe. Joe deserves this. Joe deserves that. You know who’s the most deserving plumber? It’s a me, Mario!
Eight a-castles I went through, and after almost every a-one of the them, some lady told me I was in the wrong a-one. But did I ever complain? Mamma mia, no! Joe the Plumber though, he’s a-complainin’ left and right. Let a-me ask you this: Can this a-Joe guy throw fire from his hands? I donna think so. Can this a-Joe guy play every sport in the world, including golf, tennis, baseball, soccer, and several events from the Beijing Olympics? I donna think so. Can this a-Joe guy throw a party so good, they a-call it Joe Party? No, he can’t. They don’t a-even call him “Super.” You a-know why? Because he’s a pussy, like my a-brother a-Luigi. Except Luigi actually has balls. And they’re shaped like Boo the ghost. It’s a-strange.
So here’s my a-point, Senators. Next time you a-feel like singling out a member of my profession, make sure it’s someone who’s stepped on at least one turtle in his life, okay?
Let’s a-go!
Mario