HILLS RECAP: Don't Speak, Holly. Don't Speak.

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There were many things to admire in last night’s episode of The Hills, and chief among them was Holly, who taking a page from her mother, finally stood up to Spencer with an “Oh SNAP!” moment to close out the episode. Of course, we did have to wait nearly thirty minutes for the confrontation, but it was worth it. The rest of the show was pleasantly enjoyable — certainly not the drama-packed installment that last week was, but engaging nonetheless. We tread upon familiar Hills topics: namely, the future of Audrina and Justin Bobby and whether or not Lauren could ever repair her relationship with Heidi (I’m gonna go out on a limb and say NO on that point). There was no Brody, no DOUG, no Steph — just our classic characters (give or take a few new sidekicks and some silly dude named Colin). Fun times.


This week’s episode began with Lo assisting Lauren with her homework, which apparently required her to cut out pictures from fashion magazines. Call me crazy, but I always assumed collages ceased being legitimate forms of education sometime after, I don’t know, fifth grade? Then again, maybe they were doing something a bit more complex — a diorama? Puppets? Some sort of dangling fashion mobile?
Anyway, while America observed the challenging educational demands of FIDM, Lauren chatted about getting drinks with Holly at S-Bar. She expressed concern that Holly was just trying to play “matchmaker” between her and Heidi (perhaps Dr. Phil would be a better metaphor, Laur), but at the same time, LC didn’t want to ignore Holly. “I don’t want to turn away a friend who I was friends with,” she explained, causing Lo to chirp, “Well…” She then added, “Turning away friends really isn’t very hard. Here, let me demonstrate with Audrina.”
Okay, Loaf didn’t say that. Instead she said, “Drinks are harmless.” Of course, she said it in a sing-songy, suspicious tone, as if to say, “Just make sure Holly knows the line to be your sidekick starts BACK THERE.”
After the opening credits, we headed over to Epic Records where we found Chiara asking Audrina what she’d be doing that night. Turns out Aud was going on a date with some dude named Colin.
“That’s good. That’s great,” said a crestfallen Chiara, her face as sad as if you’d just told her that she wasn’t getting a pony for her birthday. I half expected her to mutter, “Hey, that’s great you’re going on a date. I rented Sense and Sensibility and thought you’d might like to come over and watch but… hey, so great about your date! I’m just gonna… excuse me.” Cut to Chiara bawling in the ladies room.
Anyway, Audrina then revealed that she wasn’t going to tell Justin Bobby about the Col-ster, and why should she? “I don’t have a ring on my finger!” Aud exclaimed. “I’m not married!” Shockingly, Chiara didn’t then frantically ask, “Do you want a ring? Should I get you one? I can get you one. Maybe I should come along on the date? I’ll be very quiet. MAKE ME YOUR SIDEKICK!!!”
Meanwhile, across town Heidi and Holly (Helly? Hoidi?) ate lunch at Cuvée and chatted about what else? Lauren! Holly gleefully informed her sister that Lauren was soooo happy these days, prompting Heidi to engage in more Spencer-influenced guilt trip discussion: “You don’t think I want to be catching up with her and hearing how her life has been for the past two years?” Um, Heidi, it’s called DVD.

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“Holly, why is there a number on our table? I don’t think you understand how that makes ME feel.”

Nevertheless, Heidi went on a woe-is-me monologue, saying how Lauren wasn’t the only one hurt by this epic fight. Heidi was hurt too! She not only lost her best friend, but also ALL her friends. What did she do to deserve that (besides happily supporting the biggest douche on television)? Ultimately, at Holly’s urgings, Heidi decided she was gonna write a letter to clear everything up. Literally. She was gonna write the letter “T” and see if that would fix things. You never know!
Actually, to be fair, Heidi was going to write a full-fledged letter, and I’m proud to announce that I have an authentic copy of the original missive:

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That night, we finally met this Colin character as he and Audrina went out to Magnolia restaurant for a tasty meal. I gotta say that he didn’t do much to impress me out of the gate, especially since the first thing he revealed was that he used to operate the mechanical bull at the Saddle Ranch, which for those of you not familiar with Los Angeles, is kind of like the biggest douchebag hangout in the entire city (actually, Q’s might get that dubious honor. I’ll leave it up for debate). Why anyone would ever admit that they worked there, let alone broadcast it on national TV, is beyond me.

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“Saddle Ranch? Wow, I’m embarrassed for you. And this is coming from someone who dated Justin Bobby.”

Nevertheless, Audrina thankfully changed the subject before Colin could share his thoughts on mandanas and ironic tees (two requisite parts of the dresscode for waiters at the Saddle Ranch), and instead she babbled on about music and how much she loved it.
“I’ve always been into music also, but I’ve never pursued it for a career,” Colin said, adding, “My real passion is watching girls fall off bovine robots.”
Nevertheless, Audrina then gushed about her job at Epic Records, saying, “It’s like fun for me. It’s not like work.” Yes, it almost as if you don’t even work at all! Sometimes it’s like you just show up, talk with Chiara, shoot some scenes, and leave! That IS like fun!
Colin then made one of the more obvious observations of the night: “It’s an ideal job if you like music.” Yes, funny how working in music is great if you want to work in music. It’s like saying, “That job at the ice cream shop? That’s perfect if you like ice cream.” Why yes it is.

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“I’m kind of funny lookin’, aren’t I?”

The conversation then drifted towards more alcoholic topics as Audrina complained that her drink was a bit too strong. That wouldn’t have been a problem for Colin, who described himself as a happy drunk. According to him, he loves everyone when he’s drunk. Why do I doubt this? I can just imagine him sloshed and yelling at the waiter, “Where’s my spoon? GET THE HELL OVER HERE, GAR-FUCKIN’-ÇON!
Nevertheless, Audrina explained that Justin Bobby was a terrible drunk. He didn’t get belligerent. He just got cocky, which is sort of a strange drunken affliction. But fear not, Colin. Aud made it perfectly clear that unlike her ex, she did not become cocky too. She was more like Col-Col: a happy drunk. And by “happy drunk,” she meant that she was prone to bigger, blanker stares.
A block away, we found Lauren and Lo at S-Bar, flirting generously with a hairy bartender. Winks were exchanged, straws were sucked, and in the end, Holly marched in, ruining everything. I’d also like to say props to Holly for looking quite nice. When she first surfaced in the beginning of the season, Holls had quite a bit of frump going on, but she’s blossomed into quite the starlet, Heidi’s dumb makeover be damned.
Anyway, the three girls reminisced on the good times — sharing a bed, popping an air mattress, killing that one hobo behind the supermarket. Well, maybe not that last thing. It didn’t take long for them all to start discussing Heidi, causing Lauren to declare, “It’s water under the bridge.” She then added, “Very polluted, awful water that I would never swim or drink from.”
In the awkward silence that followed, Lo happily chimed in with the sort of passive-aggressive remark that she’s known for. “You remind me so much of Heidi. Like, with how you speak and with mannerisms… you really do,” she chirped, adding, “THAT’S A BAD THING. NOW POP OFF, BITCH!”
The next day or so, Lauren ambled into People’s Revolution and handed Whitney a letter. Yes, this was the much-anticipated Montag correspondence, an epistolary moment so great, I’m surprised the post office resisted the temptation to break all rules and check it out for themselves first. Whitney gladly read the (surprisingly short) letter out loud, and basically it just said sorry, I miss you, it’s been hard on me, I take full responsibility, blah blah blah. Neither girl were particularly impressed.
“Seems like a very genuine letter,” Whitney said, contorting her mouth with sarcastic abandon. Probably not the reception Heidi was expecting.
“She must feel really, really lost and lonely,” Whitney then commented, adding, “Literally, she’s such an idiot, she probably doesn’t know where the hell she is.”
For her part, Lauren was mostly just frustrated that Heidi still refused to blame Spencer for the big break up. It just proved her loyalty to him, both girls determined. And with that, we jetted across town for Audrina and Colin’s second lame date. In the light of day (they were in a courtyard), Colin’s hair looked entirely too pretty to be trusted, but I suppose it was an improvement over Justin Bobby’s perpetually greasy mess.

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“Ahhh… it’s so nice being so inoffensively forgettable.”

Anyway, Audrina announced that she was still so tired from last night because J-Bobbs had called her, and they had been up late chatting. And by “chatting,” she clearly meant “screwing.” Colin admitted that he didn’t really like talking about Justin Bobby, being that he was her ex and whatnot, but that just left them with nothing to talk about. In the following minutes of general silence and mutterings, I think these two decided to end their little dating spree, but to be honest, I couldn’t really tell you since I was so distracted by the gesticulating woman in the corner who kept showing off her stupid Blackberry to her friend.
And so with Coldrina over before it had even gotten off the ground, we headed to Lauren’s pad where Holly was arriving for a social visit. LC happily volunteered to cook her guest some food, but seeing that the offerings all seemed to come from slim, Sandra Lee-worthy packets, Holly politely declined. It was for the best. Even Lauren had to admit that she was a terrible cook. She needed a man who could cook, and I don’t want to be presumptuous here, but I think it’s about time we started up some Lauremeril rumors. Am I right? Am I right? That would be a sexy couple.
Well, the two girls started chatting about Heidi’s letter, and Lauren again reiterated that she wasn’t impressed. All the letter seemed to ask for was forgiveness, and accordig to LC, “I forgave a long time ago.” AND she forgot, let’s not, er, forget.
Then, feeling a tad of pity, Lauren asked, “She has good friends, right?” To which Holly replied, “Well, there are those jellyfish in the tank. She seems to have pretty good conversations with them. But they really don’t like going out.”
Okay, Holly did not say that, but it was clear that her sister had pretty much no friends whatsoever. It is kind of sad. Even Heidi’s sidekick Kimberly seems pained to go to lunch with her. It’s times like these that I bet Heidi misses Bella Classic. Oh well.
Ultimately, Lauren explained to Holly that the real obstacle to reconciliation was Spencer. She absolutely could not tolerate him after what he did to her, and until he’s gone, she wasn’t gonna be friends with Heidi. Ouch.
After the break, Lauren and Audrina sat out in their backyard and recapped us on everything we’d just seen in the past ten minutes. Aud babbled on about Colin, saying that he was a fun diversion, but not good enough. “Until I find a guy that makes me completely forget about Justin, Justin’s always gonna be in the picture,” she said. So basically, Aud wants someone to roofy her.
And by the way — what is the deal with this whole J-Bobbs situation? From what we could tell, their breakup seemed to stem from him skipping out on that terrible band showcase, but then I thought Audrina and him had patched it up off camera? Didn’t she say that? And weren’t they together just last week at the pool party? EXPLANATION PLEASE.
Well, Lauren then recapped the Holly conversation to Audrina, which led to more reminiscing about the good times with Heidi and whatnot. Eventually, Lauren got all philosophical and asked, “Where do you think we’d all be if Heidi never met Spencer?” Well, chances were that you’d probably not be in that house. Love him or hate him, The Hills only took off once he popped up season two. Ah, the sad irony. For as much as Lauren and Spencer hate each other, their success and fates have been intrinsically tied to one another. It’s almost Shakespearean, yes? Or at least like Gossip Girl.
Nevertheless, LC continued to ruminate on this point, pondering how strange it was that one person coming into someone’s life can change everything. Audrina agreed, noting, “It’s like how Lo suddenly reentered your life and made everything AWFUL.” Okay, Aud didn’t say that, but I’m sure the thought crossed her mind.
Later that night, we found Audrina and J-Bobbs at a local bar, and I couldn’t help wondering if they were going to talk about her dating life or merely get a drink before attending some mid-90s plaid convention. Yes, these two were decked out in plaid, and even though it’s making a comeback (I’m seeing it all over Hollywood. Thankfully, I still have all my plaid shirts from 1996), it still was a bit much.

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“What if I told you that I haven’t showered in five days. Does that turn you on?”

Well, after some light banter about tattooing Audrina’s ass, Justin Bobby opened the floor up to discussion by asking, “What’s up, dude?” I didn’t really Aud was a dude, but I guess anything goes when you’ve got that much plaid on.
“Let me tell you about the date I went on,” Audrina said, causing J-Bobbs to show more emotion than we’ve ever seen.
“The WHAT?” he asked nonplussed, but to be fair, he thought she was referring to an actual medjool date. It was very confusing.
Anyway, Justin Bobby immediately pried for information. “Did he pull your chair out?” he asked, as if that were something he even remotely did once. Aud countered by saying that Colin was very nice (always a man’s favorite compliment).
“Nice gets you far,” J-Bobbs muttered, before guffawing, “He went so far he’s not here! Wish I would have met the nice old chap!” I had to admit, it was a little funny. And it was also surprising seeing Justin Bobby laugh so loudly. It was borderline scary — kind of like when that girl from The Ring came out of the TV.
Well, the two talked about dating and if Justin Bobby was allowed to date or if he should tell Aud about it. It was all very incomprehensible, and so I was most pleased when we left these two and headed to Speidi’s apartment for the greatly promoted showdown between Spencer and Holly.
At first, Spener was nowhere to be found. The scene started with just the two sisters sitting in the living room, with Heidi browsing through pictures on her camera of when Darlene was in town. Not to be a ninny or anything, but it’s been like a week. Maybe it’s time to upload them onto your computer already.
Anyway, Holls continued her Sisyphean attempt at reunited Heidi and Lauren by prattling on at length about how sad LC was that the two couldn’t be friends anymore. Heidi, of course, rebutted that it was Lauren’s choice, not hers. The conversation, however, was interrupted by Spencer who ambled into the room and asked “Why are we discussing her?” Ooh, let the sharpening of the knives begin!
Holly enthusiastically sold out her sister, revealing that Heidi had sent a letter to Lauren. Spencer reacted with a confused, angry expression that was not unlike a hungry cat coming across an empty food bowl. In other words, it was classic Spencer. For her part, Heidi sheepishly tried to explain herself, and even though it was completely unnecessary, we must remember that she’s part of co-dependent, co-idiotic relationship, and there was no chance she was gonna tell Spence to just deal with it.

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“You wrote a letter? I don’t understand. I thought you didn’t even know how to use a pen.”

Spencer, of course, took advantage of Heidi’s shame, twisting the scenario so that he was somehow the victim: “So now since Holly moves in, you start keeping secrets from me?” he asked, ever the master manipulator. Yay mentally abusive behavior!
Heidi denied any secrecy in her actions, but Spencer again grilled her, “When you don’t tell somebody something, that’s a secret.” Thankfully, Holly finally stepped up as the older sister and snapped, “It’s not her fault if she feels that she can’t talk to you!” BAM! It’s about time she started attacking!
Faced with Holly’s strong comeback, Spencer had no other option but to make a completely arbitrary argument: “Who’s talking to you, is what I want to know!” Of course, no one had been talking to him at the beginning of this donnybrook; so really his logic didn’t quite stand up, but hey, it was a nice try. Nevertheless, Holly zapped him again: “I’m her family!” she said, and for added emphasis, she made her hand into a little duck face. Why? I don’t really know. Maybe that’s like a Montag family tradition. Either way, I enjoyed it.

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“Speak to the beak, Spencer.”

Like most cornered bullies, Spencer then became even more condescending, placing a finger over his mouth and ordering Holly to “Shhhhhhh!” But Holls and her duck hand weren’t gonna be shushed. She full-on revealed that Spencer was the reason why LC and Heidi couldn’t be friends anymore, and for whatever reason, Heidi actually looked somewhat shocked. What did she really expect though? Did she think Lauren would say “The only thing preventing me from being friends with Heidi is her lack of Directv?” Nevertheless, Spencer didn’t seem to mind one bit. “I think it’s great that you guys aren’t friends; so it’s a win-win. If it’s her fault or my fault, it’s great that you do not have her in your life. So she’s not gonna be friends with you for as long as we’re together. So what’s the point?”
And now Holly with the finisher: “The point is there’s still a chance, and especially since it doesn’t involve you, it sounds like a great option,”
Ohhhhh SNAP!
Game. Set. Match! Holly FTW!!!
Spencer muttered something in response, but it was unintelligible and irrelevant. Holly had won the argument hands down, and he was left with nothing else to do but putter back into his bedroom and sulk. It was a highly gratifying ending, tempered sadly by the realization that Heidi and Spencer are still very much together, galavanting around in the tabloids and being total idiots. Oh well. You can only do so much.
What did you think of the episode? Should Lauren reconcile with Heidi? Has Heidi made enough of an effort? How did you like Colin?