Poor Lauren. She had to sit on the sidelines of this latest episode of The Hills while her sidekick Audrina got wasted and spent the following twenty minutes of screen time trying to grab a flower. If it doesn’t sound exciting, you’re wrong. This is The Hills, the only show on television that can create high drama out of listless pawing. To be fair, there were a few noteworthy events in this installment: most of the gang flew down to Cabo San Lucas, which was exciting in and of itself, while in Speidi-land, Spencer terrorized his sister yet again with a cringe-worthy dinner in Los Angeles. All in all, fun times. I’m just sad this field trip of an episode didn’t end with Doug and Brody back in the clink. You know they would have squealed like pigs in their roasty Mexican jail cell.
This week’s international episode began at what I can only assume was Van Nuys Airport, launch pad to LA’s airborne elite. Much like they did for Vegas, the gang hopped on board a private plane, and while it was unclear whether it was a charter or merely Doug’s burrito-funded flight, I knew one thing for certain: this may have been the douchiest collection of people above 30,000 feet ever. Case in point: DOUG, who we spotted wearing yet another embarrassing tank top. Remember the beginning of the season when we were to believe he was a cornfed, all American, good ol’ boy? Back then he wore dapper button-down shirts. Now he just wears stupid designer tank tops everywhere. He might as well have a giant sign over his head that says, “Biggest douche you’ve ever seen.”
Elsewhere on the plane, we awkwardly gazed upon Audrina and Justin Bobby, whose naked flirtations last week have somehow given way to cold disdain. The two didn’t sit next to each other, but on a private plane, there’s not much room to get away. Hence, Justin Bobby sat just a row behind his ex, thus maximizing the general awkwardness of the situation. But hey, it made for some nifty rack-focus shots!
Eventually, the flight took off, and just in case we weren’t sure just how fun that process was, we heard Lauren squeal “Weeeee!” as the jet floated up into the air. Once at a safe cruising altitude, Doug then made an announcement: “I have a little bit of a surprise for you, Brody. Something to add a little fun to the party.” Oooh, what could it be? A nine foot long burrito? A giant tank top? A giant tank top MADE of burritos? The opportunities were endless!!!!
Frankie, meanwhile, continued to be the main gossiper/meddler of the boys, this time asking Audrina, “Hey, what’s up with Justin, and why are you not talking?” Apparently Frankie is incapable of doing what I like to call “inferring.” As in, clearly he should have inferred that there’d been a fight Ã¢â‚¬â€ quite possibly related to the fact that last week Audrina expressed her desire for Justin Bobby not to come to Cabo. Nevertheless, Aud explained that she and J-Bobbs were no longer together and that he was planning on hooking up with as many people/cigarettes as possible on the trip.
“Don’t mind us. We’re just learning our lines!”
Eventually, Lauren decided to shut down this whole conversation by noting, “I think we’re all leaving a lot back in LA, and we should put it aside and enjoy.” However, Lauren then honed her inner Lo and added, “Except for Audrina. She brought hers on the trip with her.” Snap! And with that, we headed into the credits for this episode, which we learned was called “You’ll Never Have This…” Alternative title: “You see this? I keep it now. It’s mine!” (Said in Cheri Oteri’s voice, natch).
Anyway, the gang arrived in Cabo San Lucas at a place simply named “The Villa,” and upon entering, the guys began ejaculating over every thing they saw, particularly a wave one of them spotted in the ocean. Funny thing about waves Ã¢â‚¬â€ who’d have thought you’d ever get to see one at a beach? Lauren and Audrina split off from the group to make themselves at home in their bedrooms, but uh oh, Audrina and Justin Bobby were supposed to be sharing a room. Super awkward. Luckily, Lauren invited Aud to crash in her room, and with that stressful crisis thankfully averted, the two girls headed out into the surf and frolicked like two happy dolphins. J-Bobbs, meanwhile, watched from afar, glowering at the site of his ex having fun (and remaining fully clothed).
Later on, we found Justin Bobby with the rest of the boyz (Brody, DOUG, and Frankie Ã¢â‚¬â€Ã‚Â ie. Brodonkie) in the hot tub, having a grand ol’ homoerotic time. Resident gossip Frankie informed his homies what Audrina had said on the plane, mainly that she now had a boyfriend and was very happy. Brody refused to believe this, but before he could get his whine on, Justin Bobby piped up with a complaint of his own.
“You know what’s crazy?” he asked, causing me to wonder what the answer to his rhetorical question would be: Society? God? Shampoo? But alas, his commentary was much less philosophical. “She has the audacity to give me shit,” he remarked, perhaps forgetting that it was he who was toying with her so much that she finally decided to move on to greener pastures. I don’t know Audrina, but I’m sure she wouldn’t give him shit if he didn’t beg for her to come back to him and then immediately announce he planned to make out with other girls in Mexico. Just sayin’.
In the least surprising comment of the evening, Brody replied, “I’d be pissed off!” He then added, “Man, if I were you I’d whine for three hours straight, and maybe make a girl cry. Fuck yeah, bro!!!”
Finally, Doug ended this discussion with a firm declaration: “I have one thing to say. All girls are shady!” He then added, “I like my girls the way I like my burritos: quiet and plentiful. Am I right, bros? Now let’s have sex.”
“So who wants to take their shorts off first?”
Okay, he didn’t say that last part, but there were a bunch of “Ohhhhhs” and guffaws, which was followed by perhaps the snarkiest song choice of the season or maybe even the series. That’s right, the tune “Don’t Trust Me” by 3Oh!3 played on the soundtrack, and while at first I thought the song name merely referred to DOUG and his cohorts, I realized it could also be referring to Heidi and Stephanie, who we soon saw walking down the street in Hollywood. Even better, the moment they appeared on screen, we heard the lyrics “Don’t trust a ho / Never trust a ho” on the soundtrack. Well, almost. The tune was censored to just say “Don’t trust a… Never trust a…” Either way, whether it was spoken or not, MTV basically called Stephanie and Heidi whores, and that’s pretty hilarious.
Anyway, the two girls walked into a boutique where Heidi immediately chirped, “These are pretty!” Of course, she could see a ball of tinfoil and say the same thing; so that’s really neither here nor there. Steph, meanwhile, chomped on her gum like cow chewing its cud and revealed to Heidi that she now had a boyfriend. Heidi seemed to get excited about this Ã¢â‚¬â€ at least for two seconds before she started grilling Steph about Brody and Lauren. The update was that Steph had not been invited on the trip to Mexico; she still doesn’t get along with Brody; and she and Lauren are now in a weird place. So there’s that. Heidi then invited Steph and Cameron (the boy) to join her and Spencer for a double date. Unsurprisingly, Steph seemed less than enthused.
“What is the worst case scenario that could happen at dinner?” Heidi asked. Um, Heidi, have you even met your boyfriend? It’s a disaster waiting to happen. Undeterred, Heidi brushed off Steph’s apprehension and reminded her that Spencer was dating Cameron, much in the same way as her mother Darlene wasn’t dating Spencer. She then added, “You know, I don’t like ketchup very much, but whatever, I can’t do anything about it. I’m not dating ketchup. Nor am I dating cold weather, Gila Monsters, or terrorism. So, yeah. What are we talking about again?”
Back in Mexico, it was time for dinner, and as everyone sat around the table, Brody told Lauren and Audrina, “I’m worried for you guys because you’re with, like, ten dudes.” I was a bit unclear on what he was implying. Was Brody saying that there might be a gangbanging later? And if there was a gangbanging, was he warning them to run for the hills, or just expressing remorse that it would be a guys-only affair.
Meanwhile, in possibly the worst seating choice of the evening, Justin Bobby and Audrina wound up next to each other at the table, which meant they’d have ample opportunities to make awkward conversation. J-Bobbs kicked things off by asking if the flower/band in Audrina’s hair was real. She replied that it was a gift from Cory, not realizing that she was about to set off an infuriating game of Take-The-Flower that would last the rest of the episode.
For the time being though, Justin Bobby merely stared at Aud before commenting, “So I saw your bag rolling out of our room.” Piercing observations! Other things he saw: a seagull, a lightbulb, and an errant beach ball. (Note that “soap” was not on that list). Nevertheless, he reiterating his fascinating point: “I saw you rolling out.” Viewers at home, I imagine, shared in my reaction, which was a general disgust/fascination with Justin Bobby’s slimy ways, particularly his tendency to not actually close his mouth when speaking. I don’t know why he does that slackjawed thing (usually in conjunction with a raised eyebrow), but man, it makes me want to smack him.
“Got any weed?”
Nevertheless, Audrina reminded Justin Bobby that he was the one who didn’t want to be exclusive, and yet he still trailed her down to Cabo. This was followed by silent stares on his part, after which she muttered, “It’s cool.”
“Is it?” he replied. I had no idea what they were talking about. But whatever IT was was cool.
Justin Bobby then mouthed to Doug “HALL PASS!” and I realized she was saying it was cool for him to hook up with other chicks. I think. Thankfully, this interaction was cut short by Frankie, who raised a glass and delivered a textbook sidekick toast to his Master, Brody.
“Not only are you my best friend,” he said, “you’re the best friend a person can have.” Well, you know, as long as he’s not whining or bitching or saying “I told you so!” So yeah, for like ten minutes every day, he’s awesome!
Meanwhile, DOUG (rhymes with ugh) got everyone’s attention and announced, “Well, since we’re having a little, you know, fiesta, I thought we’d bring a little party here.” BRING ON THE FROZEN BURRITO CAKE!!!!!
Lauren (oh yeah, forgot about her), however, suspected something sketchy afoot. She blurted out, “Did you invite sleazies?” WHAT?!?! Doug inviting sleazies? NEVER! Clearly he had invited Michiko Kakutani, chief literary critic for the New York Times, to speak about the role of the antihero in German postmodern literature. Duh.
Okay, yeah, he invited sleazies. Suddenly, a bunch of random girls (and a few guys) came sauntering into the backyard like a bunch of frozen burritos rolling down a hill. I’m not one to harp on the degree to which things are staged on The Hills (I honestly don’t care), but this was a bit ridiculous. If Doug truly had arranged this, how did he do it? Where had these people been waiting? And for how long? And were they given burritos? The logistics seemed entirely too overwhelming for him to undertake. Heck, he can barely even put on a shirt with sleeves, let alone coordinate an elaborate surprise.
Soon enough, the girlies all got into their bikinis, causing Audrina and LC to retreat to some isolated area away from the hoards where they could talk about Justin Bobby. “Have you noticed the awkwardness?” Audrina asked.
“Hmmm…” Lauren replied. “I think the insects in the air have noticed the awkwardness!” ZZZIIIING!!!! Nice insects-in-air reference!
Nevertheless, the two girls talked about the situation, and Lauren ultimately told Audrina to be straight up with J-Bobbs and tell him directly that it was over. No more mind games. This was all well and good, but we knew it would never happen.
We then went to a commercial break where MTV rudely assaulted us with more of those hhhhhhorrendous Man and Wife promos that make me just want to never watch TV ever again for the rest of my life. Seriously, please stop it. Please.
After the break, we returned to the party where Brody joyfully observed that all his homies were singleÃ¢â‚¬â€ and ready to mingle, I might add. Of course, by “mingle,” I mean “whine.” This is Brody we’re talking about. Nevertheless, Justin Bobby turned his head and sloowwwwly mused “Well, if this is a weekend to have a hall pass and find out your girl’s got a boy, this is probably it, right? With no remorse? Right?” The camera then panned to the left, revealing that Justin Bobby was rambling on to some random dude who looked like he just wanted to laugh at this stoner idiot. In fact, that’s pretty much what the guy did. He could suppress his incredulity no more, and would up giggling out a “Yes…” in response. I don’t know who the guy was, but he was awesome.
Justin Bobby then reminded us that in regards to his particular situation with Audrina, “I didn’t start it.” (Even though he did).
Moments later, we saw a fun montage of everyone down in the pool, splashing around, laughing, canoodling, spreading disease, etc. Fun times. At least for everyone but LC, who we spotted sitting alone on a chaise lounge (the music conveniently and momentarily came to a screeching halt the moment we saw her). But enough about Lauren. This was Audrina’s episode, and as such, it was time for her near weekly presentation of her boobs. We caught some gratuitous but welcome shots, and then we headed off to LA where it was time for the highly anticipated Pratt family double date. We found Spencer and Heidi sitting next to each other at a table, lording over their plates as if they were some sort of urban sophisticates.
Much to Spencer’s dismay, his sister was late, causing him to snip, “She’s probably in the tanning salon.” Heidi then added, “Actually, I think she’s misting now.” Oh SNAP! And here I thought Lauren’s “insects in the air” dis would be the best we’d get this episode. These people are en fuego!
By the way, I’d like to take this opportunity to express how strange it must have been for the people nearby. With Heidi and Spencer sitting next to each other and facing empty chairs, the poor girl at the next table over probably couldn’t look up without making accidental eye contact with the duo. It’s something that once happened to me and Rose McGowan. I was at a diner with J-Unit, and he went to go to the bathroom. Rose McGowan was at the next booth, over facing my direction, and her dining companion had also excused himself. So we had no option but to both look ahead in default mode, but that meant that we both had to stare at each other. So for like two minutes, we pretended to be bizarrely fascinated with our silverware and the window and juice machine by the cash register. We did anything to simply not look straight ahead. It was awful. And that was with Rose McGowan. I can’t imagine doing that with Speidi.
“We’re so urbane!”
Anyway, we soon spotted Steph and Cameron walking up the street, the latter of whom looked sort of like a slob. Say what you will about Spencer, but one thing I’ve noticed is that when he goes out to dinner, he dresses properly. He almost always has a blazer. Bonus point for him. Of course, he also has an attitude, and this evening was no different. Just before Steph walked in, he complained that his sister was no “legitimately a half hour late” (as opposed to illegitimately), and while I can empathize with his frustration, it was still a bit classless to tell Steph upon her arrival “Did you forget that we were supposed to meet up at 9:00, not 9:30?” Good old Spencer. Never afraid to be a jerk. Granted, he may have just been cranky from hunger. He even promised that “Once I get a little food in my system, I”ll get a little friendlier.” He did not, however, say anything about his douchiness going away.
Things got a bit more awkward at the table when Speidi’s food arrived moments later. Rather than waiting and noshing on bread, they had full-on ordered. True, waiting half an hour is a long time, but again, I think protocol is to just eat bread or at most order some small appetizers. Eh, it’s Los Angeles. This is a city where you can walk into a four star restaurant and see grown men sitting around in baseball caps and dirty shirts. Talking about dining etiquette is like trying to teach a whale how to ice skate. Totally pointless.
Well, Spencer continued to work his awful magic as he raised his glass for a toast, which he dedicated to Stephanie and “her first boyfriend.” This immediately embarrassed her, but luckily for her, the subject soon shifted to Heidi’s sister. “I just kicked Holly out,” Spencer bragged proudly, adding, “It felt reeeaal good.” I believe this ranks as #2 behind “Joker. They should’ve just called it JOKER” as my favorite Spencer line of the season.
Cameron, meanwhile, looked miserable at the table. He tried to make some non-offensive conversation, but it was pretty awful, even for Speidi standards. “Your sister’s really funny. She makes me laugh a lot,” he said. Cameron then said, “She’s real pretty too. I like pretty girls. I like to pet their hair. Hair feels funny. It makes me laugh. It’s real soft. I like soft things too. Like bunnies. And kittens. And puppies. Puppies are cute. You ever see puppies? They make me laugh a lot.”
Somehow the conversation then focused on Brody. Apparently Cameron and Brody had been friends or something a few years ago. This did not please Spencer, who then took the opportunity to take another jab at his sister. “Did you meet Doug yet?” he asked, going on to say that Steph and Doug had dated. Stephanie rejected the claim, saying they had only gone out to dinner once (lie). Spencer, however, elaborated that it was a candlelit dinner. I don’t know why Cameron didn’t just go running out of there right then and there. How does one deal with so many Pratts?
“Hmmmm… I wonder if they’ll ever make a movie just called Joker…“
Back in Mexico, the saga of Justin Bobby and Audrina had taken a malevolent, borderline depraved turn for the worse. J-Bobbs had stolen Audrina’s flower thing, and he wasn’t about to give it back. She tried in her highly inebriated state to grab the flower off Justin Bobby’s wrist, but her agility left something to be desired. It was like watching a sleepy cat poke at a toy. “Get that off his wrist!” she drunkenly ordered no one in particular. It was to no avail. She made a few more attempts to wrangle it back, but clearly she was too drunk to even see straight; so Audrina instead flicked her beer Ã¢â‚¬â€ then her finger Ã¢â‚¬â€Ã‚Â at Justin Bobby and marched off. OOOOH! WOULD SHE EVER GET IT BACK? Or would she remain deflowered?
After the break, we found the guys in the pool the next day, cavorting as usual. Brody picked up a nearby pool basketball and made a basket from all the way across the patio, which was admittedly cool, but I’m still a bit puzzled why it then prompted Doug and Frankie to high five each other. It was almost as if they were saying, “BRO! Our Master is so awesome! We’re so lucky to have him in our lives!!!”
Nevertheless, while Frankie and Doug gushed over Brody’s awesomeness, Audrina continued to negotiate for her flower back from Justin Bobby, who was bizarrely clad in cut-offs. Unfortunately, this only led to a conversation where they both repeated each other’s words to each other. Regarding an upcoming boat trip, Justin said he was gonna throw Audrina overboard. “I should throw YOU overboard,” she retorted.
“I’ve always asked you to just be straight up,” Justin Bobby later said.
“Um, I’ve always asked YOU to be straight up,” Aud responded. Then, when he said he was being straight up, she shot back, “No, you’re not.”
“YOU’RE not!” he replied.
ENOUGH. No wonder why these two can’t be apart. Without each other, they have no one to parrot. I’m shocked they’re still not there right now, saying, “I have to go to the bathroom.” “No, I have to go to the bathroom.” “You just went.” “No, YOU just went.” “I’m not going to discuss this.” “No, I’m not going to discuss this.” “Then why don’t you stop speaking?” “Then why don’t YOU stop speaking?”
Nevertheless, Audrina again requested her flower back, and now a petulant Justin Bobby seemed actually annoyed that he may have to give it up. “It’s mine,” Aud insisted, to which he mockingly retorted, “Waaah!” Seems a bit strange that the guy who immaturely stole his ex’s accessory is accusing her of being the baby. Thankfully, Audrina told him to grow the hell up (no, YOU grow the hell up!) and walked away. I hope she gets that flower back. It’s a stupid (yet metaphorical!) thing, but dammit, it was driving me nuts.
“Mmmmm… smells like fake flower!”
Back in Los Angeles, Spencer was busy getting his exercise on by climbing up and down the fabled Santa Monica stairs. Stephanie bizarrely arrived to talk to him, which seemed a bit strange as surely this must have been massively out of the way for her. Nevertheless, she just wanted Spencer to be nicer to her, but that wasn’t about to happen. He gleefully reminded her that she was forty minutes late for dinner, amusingly up from his previous estimation of thirty minutes. Check in with him tomorrow, and I’m sure it’ll be up to four hours. Meanwhile, we saw some poor old lady trudging up the stairs, most likely bemoaning these two idiot kids squawking away about such dumb things.
Anyway, Spencer explained that he wanted to give Cameron a hard time because of his past relationship with Brody, which didn’t really make sense because Cameron made it sound like they hadn’t talked in five years, but eh, who cares. Spence ultimately declared, “You should be appreciative that a) I talk to you, b) I went to dinner with you and your new boyfriend, and c) I paid for dinner!” Okay, he has a point with letter C, but for A and B, it’s just typical Spencer self-aggrandizement. (Shaking fist at TV).
Spencer then returned to running up the stairs, but not before stating that he’d be nice to someone who’s loyal, and as such, Stephanie should start showing some loyalty. …I …just …want … to shake … THE TV.
Back in Cabo, Lauren and Audrina, both with yellow flowers stuck in their hair, had a heart to heart about Justin Bobby. LC told Aud to do what made her happy, ie. cut off Justin Bobby. Yeah, Audrina might always love J-Bobbs, but Lauren rightly noted that he just wasn’t boyfriend material. She then added, “Look, I’ll prove it to you. You pretend to be me, and I’ll pretend to be you, and then I’ll hook up with Justin Bobby and then you’ll see what I see. Sounds like a plan, right?” Oh, I keeeeed! (But on a side note, I’m so very excited to see how those rumors play out on the show).
Nevertheless, the show ended with Audrina staring out blankly onto the sea. Would she find love? Would she leave J-Bobbs? Would she ever get her flower back? Only the great Poseidon knew for sure!
What did you think about this episode? Thoughts on Cameron? Thoughts on Justin Bobby? Who was more in the right: J-Bobbs or Audrina?