HOUSEWIVES PHOTOCAP: Daddy Issues

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I didn’t do a photocap of last week’s Real Housewives of Atlanta because the pics on Bravo’s site were kind of bad, but this time around, we have more material to work with. Plus, in its third episode, the ladies are starting to develop more as characters. We’ve got Nene, who’s just all around hilarious and entertaining. Then there’s Deshawn, who spends pretty much every episode complaining about how she simply does NOT have time for anything (hence her enormous staff). There’s Lisa, who comes off as the brightest of the bunch, at least business-wise (and let’s not overlook her husband Ed, who kind of seems like the best ever). And then there’s Shereé (pronounced Sheray, not Sheree-ay or Sher-ay-ay as her strange accent aigu placement might suggest). Shereé likes to think she’s the smartest of the gang, but really she just comes off seeming cold and mannish. Am I forgetting anyone? Oh yes. KIM. She should be awful, but she’s oddly likable. The only problem: she somehow maintains that she’s TWENTY-NINE.
Whhhaaaaaa????
Even better, she boasts that she looks pretty damn good for twenty-nine, which is patently false. Even if she were that age (which she simply cannot be), she looks terrible. I mean, she looks ten years older. Big Poppa better hire some stylists to come down to Atlanta and fix her up.
Speaking of stylists, I can’t help noticing that all these women spend an inordinate amount of time with their stylists, more so than the other housewives of New York and Orange County. I’m always wary of people whose best friends are their handlers. There’s something hollow about it (mostly in that these people are hired to hang onto them), and watching women do nothing but gab with their makeup artists or personal shoppers feels… sad. I’m looking at you, Sher-AY-AY.
Nevertheless, last night’s episode was fairly entertaining. Kim tried to launch a singing career, which seems instantly destined to fail (first clue — she never sings). Deshawn spearheaded a quest to raise a million dollars (um, no) for her foundation, which has the vague mission of improving self-esteem in girls — again, good luck with that fundraising. Nene learned that her dad might not be her dad (not that he really seemed to care). Lisa did nothing in particular beyond trading some barbs with her hubby. And Shereé continued to make bold proclamations about herself in her pseudo Claire Huxtable voice. Good times all around.

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“How many other twenty-nine year old girls can say they’ve got hips like Kathy Najimi? Pretty hot!”

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“You thought I looked 42? You must be dyslexic and meaning 24. That’s hilarious. And thank you!”

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“Okay, ladies. Here’s what I’m going to do. I’m going to say something vague, you’ll respond with something specific, and then I’ll say ‘Yes, that’s what I was seeing,’ and then you’ll pay me $200. Deal?”

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“Okay, girls. I know you have low self-esteem and all, but I just don’t have the TIME to help you all day. So let’s hold hands and get this over with, okay?”

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“Ugh, I just don’t have time to look at these diamonds any longer. I’m practically a single mother!”

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“Girl, you just GOT to come to this pageant. There’ll be so many drag queens. You’ll fit right in!”

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“Wait a second, these are all men dressed like women? Why do they keep asking me to come on stage then?”

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“Damn, can you believe it’s been less than thirty-six hours since our last gratuitous photo shoot? Girl, I could faint!”

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“Excuse us, we’re being very modern.”

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“Yes, yes. This is how large I’d like my breasts to be.”

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“I’m very particular about my men. Mostly, they need to have an eight figure income and must be open to divorce.”

What did you think about the episode? Enjoying the series?

23 replies on “HOUSEWIVES PHOTOCAP: Daddy Issues”

  1. Dear b-side, Sorry to leave this message here, I’ll do it anyway.
    Congrats on getting into the top 10 of two categories! Very proud to be a regular reader of your blog and that you can be recognised for your great writing!

  2. I absolutely loathe Deshawn. She reminds me of a friend of mine who is worth many millions. My friend gets completely overwhelmed just having to hire someone to paint for her. Because she is so rich and spoiled, she can’t handle even the simplest tasks… I do love her, but it’s really annoying.

  3. OK, so I did some digging. I know what county Kim lives in, and it is one of the few counties in Georgia that maintains its court dockets online. So I looked up Kim, and found a Kimberleigh Zolciak. It includes an address that I won’t list here, but lists her date of birth as 1978. I am speechless. Could she really be 29?
    The info was listed in a case relating to a speeding violation, so I would assume the DOB was pulled from her drivers license.
    Her divorce case also appears to be online. Looks like she divorced her husband in 2001 and it involved a mutual restraining order and parenting seminar.
    Of course I am just assuming this is the same Kim, but the spelling of her name, Kimberleigh Zolciak, odes match up with the spelling on her facebook profile.
    Gotta love google.

  4. Wow, could Kim be 29? If so, she’s doing something wrong. What the hell is she going to look like at age 50?
    Meanwhile, these women make me sick. Lisa is the only one that I can’t stand in the least.
    NeNe doesn’t know who her daddy is, but does she know who big poppa is?

  5. OK, I have to stop, but this is interesting. Kim now lives in a different county than the county in which she divorced. Per the tax assessor’s office, her house is worth $445,000. $40,000 less than she bought it for in January of 2006. Granted, it’s a nice house and it’s more than I could buy, but the other ladies are way out of her league.

  6. Jennifer- you are such a lawyer!! And $445,000? That is the average price of a house here – and it looks like she lives in a town home. Rich? Hardly! Nene’s house looks like it isn’t worth that much either.
    I would guess HB is right, someone has been tampering with documents. She is 29 like Catherine Zeta Jones is 38… not a chance. Although it’s hard to tell with Kim- maybe if she’d scrape some of that spackle off her face it would be easier to make a guess.

  7. P.S. I Googled her too and she has a fairly bare profile at Classmates.com which says she graduated from Windsor Locks H.S. in Connecticut, class of ’96.

  8. P.S.S. – boy it’s sad with everything I have to do today that this is what I’m spending my time on. Her Classmates profile has some pics on it which I missed at first glance. A couple of her with kids, and a couple of a dude who looks like Kato Kaelin back in the OJ trial days (the ex?) and a couple of her from what she claims was a Guess jeans ad where she looks HOT.
    She had the following on her profile:
    Life
    Hey everyone…
    Well life is amazing for me, I have two little girls who are the light of my life..Brielle who is 9 and Ariana who is 4…
    I am in love with the most amazing man on the planet.
    I live a dream daily..I am the luckiest girl in the world.
    Hope to hear from everyone.
    XOXO
    KIM
    I don’t watch the show so I don’t know how old her kids are now/how old this profile is.

  9. HOLY SHIT KIM IS REALLY TWENTY NINE!?!?!??!
    this is unbelievable. she looks SO MUCH OLDER THAN ME THANK GOD.

  10. JasonR, it sounds like we do about the same thing, but I’m in private practice. Using my Googling skills I once found a man that the in-house forensics team of a very large corporation and the FBI had not been able to find. See, sometimes I use my skills for good.
    Back to Kim, though. If she is 29 then she has had MAJOR plastic surgery that has caused her to look older than her age. I would love to get in touch with some of her classmates and ask for her yearbook photo. She probably looks like the girl in the classmates.com ad that is captioned “She married that guy?”
    I just don’t get why she thinks it is appropriate to expose cleavage so deep you can see under-boob at a little girl’s birthday party.

  11. Kim is a perfect example of why you shouldn’t smoke. She had a cigarette in every scene this episode! Smokers look way older way faster than their non-smoking peers. All that fake tanning can’t help either.
    ***this ends the PSA portion of the comments section*****

  12. I had forgotten Kim asked the songwriter dude if she could sing and smoke at the same time. HA.
    hb

  13. There’s also a great website http://www.pipl.com. Just type in the name and city/state of the person you’re looking for. It provides not only web hits but also addresses and date of births. Kim has two addresses listed and she’s listed as 30 (which makes sense depending on when her birthdate is).

  14. Wow…….
    ….just wow
    good job everyone! your investigator skills ROCK 🙂
    I used to do extensive criminal background checks on people, but your skills have me BEAT!
    ….and I’m 29 years old too. The thought that Kim and I are the same age…wow
    All this time I thought she was 40ish.

  15. All this talk about investigations has me mulling a career change!
    This analogy is like a piece of bacon wrapped enigma:
    Lisa = The Countess = Jeanna/Kim (the bitches who can keep it together on camera)
    NeNe = Jill = Vicki/Tamra (good heart but hilariously cringeworthy)
    Kim = Alex = Jo (the deluded wannabes)
    DeShawn = Bethany = Quinn? (they don’t get in the drama, they only watch smugly from the side)
    Sheree = Ramona = (I like all the ladies from OC too much)
    Benched are Tammy and Lauri from OC. They always struck me as innocent trainwrecks in over their heads.

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