Take one part Edward Albee, one part nouveau riche excess, and two parts squealing poultry at the abattoir, and that pretty much sums up last night's episode of The Real Housewives of Orange County, which followed the loud duo of Vicki and Tamra as they took their husbands up to Napa Valley for some old fashioned wine tasting. Yes, it promised to be a delightful romp for all involved, but instead what unfolded was a terribly awkward weekend that saw the Gunvalsons taking passive aggressive swipes at each other until finally Vicki broke down in napkin-sheathed tears at a restaurant. It was somewhat painful to watch, and yet, totally hilarious. I don't mean to cackle at other people's marital woes, but when the term "love tank" gets thrown around so casually, it's hard not to.
Meanwhile, in other Housewives news, Lauri decided to leave the show (unsurprisingly) to take care of her family (and all her MONEY). I'm not sure how being off camera can improve things for her son, who's in jail getting beaten up, but hey, a mom's gotta do what a mom's gotta do. At least we don't have to see any more of George's spoiled brat daughter moping around (nor do we have to watch endless scenes of Lauri watching, riding, cleaning, or smiling at horses).
As for the rest of the housewives, nothing much else happened. Jeana did a few shaky pushups in the garage, hopefully to burn off that pizza pie appetizer she purportedly enjoyed earlier that week. Her self-professed conservative daughter, meanwhile, complained about life up at Berkeley, saying that everyone there was simply trapped in the '60s (unlike her mom, who was merely trapped in the '80s — at least according to her designer). Turns out though that wee Ann Coulter-Keough had been spending every weekend down at UCLA with her boyfriend; so really, she had no one to fault for her social life but herself. SO THERE.
Lastly, we had Gretchen, who spent all of the episode meandering around the Indy 500 with her sadly frail fiancé. Look, it's nice to see them together in the last months of his life, but c'mon now. This is the Real Housewives of Orange County, not INDIANA. If you want to look at cars, get thee to the Tustin Auto Mall!
Anyway, here's the photocap. Bravo only posted pics of the wine tasting; so my options were limited this week.
"Before I get out, please tell me one thing: am I the hottest housewife of this vineyard?"
"Welcome, folks. Feel free to enjoy our wine and partake in awkward conversations about your marriages."
"That chicken is sooo not as hot as me."
"I wear high heels to impress the chickens. Maybe THEY'LL fill my love tank."
"See, the chickens don't do the WOOOHOOO right. They need to add a subtle undercurrent of domestic sadness."
"Yes, Tamra, I've told you many times: you're the hottest housewife in the chicken coop."
"Oooh, this is delicious. You know what would make this night even better? Going to a fancy restaurant and making fools of ourselves in front of the entire country!"
"I'm gonna stomp on these grapes just the way Don has stomped all over our marriage. LOVE TANK!!!!"
"Please, don't let me fall. I can't let Vicki be the hottest housewife in the bucket."
"Ooooh! I think my love tank is filling up a little!"
"Let's face it: no one can resist my bosom. My heaving, sun-damaged melanoma playground of a bosom."
"I'm gonna wear this for Simon tonight."
"Fill my love tank, Don. FILL IT."
"Thank God I'm drunk."
14 Glorious Comments
Leave a comment. I IMPLORE YOU.
Powered by Ajax Comments
"I'm gonna wear this for Simon tonight". Hilarious as usual, B-Side.
Tamara is so fricking annoying, with all the attention whoring, but Vicki is just out of her damned mind! She really needs medication or she is going to alienate her children right out of her life. Don seems like such a great guy. BACK OFF, VICKI! YOU'RE PSYCHO!!!!!
I felt really horrible for Lauri last night and yes, I shed a few tears when she was crying about Josh's jail stint. Eight months is a long time ~ you know that poor kid probably had to deal with Bubba in the shower. Poor Lauri, I really liked her and all of her MONEY. I will miss her on this show.
I hate these women. I really do. And yet, I continue to watch and grimace.
This is the second time this week I've come across the word "abattoir", with the other time being on the Graham Norton Show on Saturday. Good word.
Bravo's website shows the new housewife on Real Housewives of Orange County(I guess she's replacing Lauri)...Lynne seems nice aka boring.
Both Vicki and Tamra wore 5 inch heels to get drunk going wine tasting and didn't fall? Amazing!
dsc- I watched that Graham Norton show and now I know what it means too! Paul O'Grady was so funny he "slaughtered" me!
These people are utterly worthless. They're in their 40s and have never been to a wine tasting. They go to a "fancy" wine tasting at a vineyard best known for $12 grocery store wine. They go to a fancy restaurant and are afraid of oysters, fois gras, sushi. They have no problem traipsing about in trashy lingerie in front of cameras and discussing how quickly they take care of business. The only thing separating them from Joy on My Name is Earl is their bank accounts.
I really feel for Gretchen and Jeff though - such a sad situation.
NIce dollop of empathy there at the end.
Oh, also, who else was shocked by the pictures of Laurie when Josh was little? She is just unrecognizable. Is there a single inch of her body that is not surgically altered??
I actually couldn't really notice a huge difference as far as her body went - she looked skinny, which she is, and I guess I didn't notice a boob job (although I'm sure there have been several). However, the Mom jeans gave me a laugh, and her face has obviously had loads of plastic surgery. Her face really was completely unrecognizable.
I am not sure which is more bile producing - when one of these bitches says "I deserve it" (they so don't) or the use of the tired phrase “throwing someone under the busâ€. Last night it was Donn (which by the way I hate the 2 n's spelling of DON) who was getting thrown. Vicki is a succubus who could never have a full tank.
And what do these people eat? First it was Kim and her inability to recognize guacamole and now Vicki and her foie gras ignorance. Somewhere Padma is making a Tsk Tsk sound.
hb
That last photo cap is the funniest of them all. I don't feel bad for Lauri at all. If she had been more interested in her children than meeting a "rich" husband than maybe he wouldn't have turned to drugs. Then her comment about how she wished that they had had what she has now when the kids were younger. Why, so Josh would have money to spend on buying drugs? I think she's a poor excuse of a mother.
I am not sure which is more bile producing - when one of these bitches says "I deserve it" (they so don't) or the use of the tired phrase “throwing someone under the busâ€. Last night it was Donn (which by the way I hate the 2 n's spelling of DON) who was getting thrown. Vicki is a succubus who could never have a full tank.
And what do these people eat? First it was Kim and her inability to recognize guacamole and now Vicki and her foie gras ignorance. Somewhere Padma is making a Tsk Tsk sound.
hb
I have, of course, missed the first 2 episodes. However I feel I know these horribly trashy women from seasons past and the glorious photocaps found here. First of all, can we talk about how much Vicki looks like Droopy Dog? http://i131.photobucket.com/albums/p299/Leescomics/April/droopy.jpg
Of course I mean droopy dog in tacky jewelry and a tattered napkin of a dress. Secondly, can we talk about Simon being a humorless low rent A-Rod? Is the guy happy about anything? Ever?
Does the rough edge on Vicki's dress remind anyone of something Wilma, Betty, and Pebbles would wear???
I feel like this is a chick show, so I don't need to see Tamara modeling lingerie. That said, given the previews for next week, I can skip an episode.
Props to everyone for making good points on what happened. I like reading everyone's opinions.
I am not sure which is more bile producing - when one of these bitches says "I deserve it" (they so don't) or the use of the tired phrase “throwing someone under the busâ€. Last night it was Donn (which by the way I hate the 2 n's spelling of DON) who was getting thrown. Vicki is a succubus who could never have a full tank.
And what do these people eat? First it was Kim and her inability to recognize guacamole and now Vicki and her foie gras ignorance. Somewhere Padma is making a Tsk Tsk sound.
hb