Christmas came late this year as MTV launched two must-see shows Monday night: The City (more on that in another post) and Bromance — the latter show being so awful and full of unbridled homoerotic preening that it just can't be missed. To be honest, I wasn't going to watch much of Bromance. I thought I'd sample the first episode and then move on with my life. After all, there's only so much whining from Brody one person can take (and at an hour a pop, Bromance promised to test my patience). The good news is that given his set of minions to control, Brody is much less of a bitch and can even be, dare I say it, affable. I mean, he's still a douche. But maybe a nice douche? Gosh, what are these words I'm saying? Is it possible I'm developing bromantic feelings for the Jenner spawn?
Probably not. Nevertheless, the premiere episode had many moments of unintentional hilarity — from the way the wannabes gush about Brody as if he's a demigod to the sudsy elimination ceremony which takes place in a hot tub, of all places. I know this show must be taken with a grain of salt, and clearly, there's some winking at the audience by producer Ryan Seacrest (never one to shy away from homoerotic material), but the tub was simply too ridiculous. Even better was how Brody excused all the "safe" dudes from the hot tub, but then after the eliminated douche was sent packing, The Brodester looked at all the other supplicants, now back in their shirts and shorts, and with a warm smile and forthcoming wave, implored them to get back in. Just like that, the shirts were doffed and all the guys hopped eagerly back in the tub where a frenzied orgy of platonic (but not really) man-on-man action went down. Why isn't this show on Bravo?
To the photocap...
"Ouch. Dude. C'mon. Take it easy. Oww. I love Brody so much. Oww. Ouch. Ack..."
"I don't know where I am, and I can't see a thing, but I know I have an erection. Is Brody nearby?"
Gary: "Wow. Brody is way hotter in person."
Femi: "I can't wait to fuck him."
"Brody, what do you mean you want another friend? Do you know how hard it is for me to share you with Sleazy-T? I don't even know who homeboy is! What do I have to do to have a monogamous sidekick relationship with you? Do you want gifts? I can get you gifts. All sorts of gifts. You name it, and I'll get it."
"Hey ladies. Does it alarm you that I'm dressed like an egg yolk?"
"Yay, I'm on The Hills!"
"Sorry, ladies. This body is reserved for Brody."
"Let me just say that real knows real, bro. I love you guys. I FUCKIN' love you guys. But FUCK YOU ALL."
"So here's the thing. I thought you were Lauren Conrad, but you're not. So... see ya!"
"Okay, from right to left, that is the order which you will fellate me. Chris, you're first."
Chris: "Hey, Femi, is that your hand on my package?"
Femi: "Sorry, bro. Thought it was my package."
Chris: "No, THIS is your package. Feel that?"
Femi: "Oh yeah. That IS my package. And what's this in my right hand?"
Jacob: "That's my package, bro."
Femi: "Really?"
Jacob: "Yeah, bro. But it's cool."
Femi: "Cool."
Jacob: "Mind if I touch your package?"
Femi: "What are you? Fuckin' gay???"
"Listen Jacob, I think you're really hot--"
"I think you're really hot too, Brody."
"But I'm just not feelin' it."
"That's cool. Frankie's more my type anyway."
"Stay away. He's mine, bitch."
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It was pretty darn hilarious. Lord, I hope it was a Tila Tequila satire, which is the only way I could get through it. Brody, much as I don't want to admit, has quite a bit of screen presence, and handled it all with a pretty straight face. Good for him.
"Real knows Real."
Really?
"Some guys aren't here for Brody. Some guys are into chicks. I am not into chicks."
Really?
"This isn't The Hills. This is Compton."
Really!!
hb
My favorite line:
"He just wanted to be friends with someone who is on TV, and that ain't me."
Runner-up:
"'Broast,' I'm gonna use that one from now on. Good work." (delivered in the brocuzzi)
Frankie's sidekick jealousy was hilarious! He denied it the same way you deny that you don't mind sharing your last bite of a delicious meal with someone you don't really like that much. You go ahead and do it to appear friendly, since they backed you into a corner, but you'd just as soon rip their face off than let that fork touch your chicken.
Frankie is the biggest DB of all. I can't stand that guy. Did anyone catch these clowns on Party Monsters Cabo? What's his claim to fame anyways...other than mooching off people and being a "talent agent"??
I was utterly surprised to find this show (dare I say) entertaining. It's still crappy, don't get me wrong, but found myself laughing from start to finish at all the tongue-in-cheek comments & innuendos. I also couldn't get past the fact that Gary looked like Dawson Leery's little bro - kinda creepy.
I loved when Brody accused Jacob of getting too "bolliterated" when he was out partying. Can't take the guy anywhere.
seriously. this show belongs on logo.
I loved the big hotdog on the wall. Talk about homoerotic. This is the best reality show since The Real Houswives of Atlanta.
Okay, I just watched this. What is with the hot tub elimination ceremony? This is soooo gay.