IDOL RESULTS: I Mean Seriously, America

America, you’ve got to be kidding me. Did you really fall for all the sentimental crap the producers shoveled out about personality-free performer Michael Sarver? Apparently you did because the sympathetic yet bland roughneck earned a place in the American Idol top twelve last night, baffling thousands of people who surely expected that spot to go to Anoop Desai, Ricky Braddy, or at least Tatiana del Toro. In Ricky, we would have had a better vocalist. In Anoop, we would have had a better personality. And in Tatiana, we would have had a better crazy. C’mon now. This is just ludicrous.
After seeing Tatiana’s fluttering heart nearly send her fainting to the floor, I think we can all agree she’s a precious gift from the reality gods that needs to be savored, nourished, and encouraged. Why would we ever send her away so soon? Did you not see her emotional hysterics in the background? She is the unqualified star of this early season! Don’t vanquish her! I’m holding out for the Wild Card round, but honestly, I’m just not sure that’ll be good enough. Who knows what talent the next two weeks will bring. Only three wild cards can go on to the big twelve, and I fear the odds are stacked against Tatiana (not to mention Ricky and Anoop). Oooooh, I just hate when a nonentity like Michael Sarver excels. Simon said people should vote for him because he seemed like a nice guy who needed a break. Guess what — they all need a break. Damn you people for being so pliable!

I guess disappointment is part of the American Idol experience. After all, it was just a week ago that I was bemoaning the snub of Jamar Rogers. Let’s face it: as feel-good as the show tries to be, it’s essentially about destroying dreams — both those of the singers and of the audience. It is also, sadly, about promoting mediocrity, an unfortunate truth that’s apparent every season. I fear that Michael Sarver will just be one of those empty vessels that’ll move forward week after week until the top four or five when America finally realizes that he has no business being there. Of course, if we’re truly unlucky, he’ll traipse his way all the way to the top à la Taylor Hicks, and then six months later, everyone can pretend like they didn’t vote for him when his languid CD of country love songs bombs on the market. Man, I am BITTER today! What can I say? Wednesday night saw the fall of Tatiana, Anoop, and a certain other favorite contestant on Top Chef. This is the form my grief has taken.
The good news is that Alexis Grace easily advanced to the top twelve and so did Danny Gokey, who I gotta admit, is starting to rub me the wrong way. I don’t know what it is. I loved him all through the auditions and Hollywood week. But sometimes, when you get to the semifinals, things change. I think part of Danny’s appeal was his strong friendship with Jamar. Watching the two buddies support each other was immensely hearwarming. On his own, however, Danny loses a significant chunk of personality (at least for me). Plus, I think his song choice of “Hero” and all his motivational spewing is a bit too much for my stone heart. I don’t doubt his sincerity, and he does have a great voice, buuuut I’m starting to get a whole inspirational Christian Rock vibe off him, and that usually makes me wilt like Ikea parsley.
As for the rest of the show, I fast forwarded over significant portions of it. I submitted to watching the first half of the group song, but hearing all the soul getting sucked out of that poor Jason Mraz song was a bit too much for me to handle. Meanwhile, Ryan, I’m happy to report, got rid of his old man sweater; although, he still wasn’t totally on top of his game as he engaged in awkward innuendo with the judges about “dinner” after the show. It was uncomfortable.
Aside from that, we had a nifty duet with Idol alumni Carly Smithson and Michael Johns (Teams Potato and Sheila!) and a shameless plug for the new American Idol attraction down in Disney World. (Speaking of shameless endorsements, I hear there’s a relatively new American Idol karaoke game on the market. Anyone at Konami want to float me over a review copy?)
Anyway, that was pretty much it. What did you think about the results? Who should come back for the Wild Card week? And if you voted for Michael Sarver, please explain your rationale (don’t worry, you won’t be persecuted. I just need someone to help me wrap my head around his appeal).