APPRENTICE RECAP: The Rivers Wild

810_23_Joanputsherhandsup.jpg.jpeg

So how about that Apprentice? If you didn’t see it, watch it. Or at least watch the video clip at the end of this post. Explosive might be an understatement. I’m not even going to bother with an intro. I’m just gonna get right into the recap…


Let me first start by saying that this season has gotten progressively better and better and better to the point where last night’s final six celebrities felt like the height of perfect casting. I didn’t think the producers could top last season, but this combination of celebrities has been equal parts explosive, funny, and entertaining. First you have Jesse James and Clint Black, who nearly came to blows in the middle of the task. Clint is the classic weasel, a role he’s played all season without a sense of irony or self-awareness. He’s only gotten worse and worse with each passing episode, but shockingly, he wasn’t AS awful last night as he not only won the task, but incorporated other people’s ideas (a little). Jesse was far more of a baby, claiming that his idea was solid gold. His stubbornness about his idea (which, for the record, I did like) was no different than any other time Clint had been immutable; so really, we had a nice case of pot calling kettle black. Or should I say, Clint black. Rimshot! Meanwhile, caught in the middle of these two was Joan Rivers, who kept a surprisingly even keel all episode… until the end when da shit hit da fan.
Poor Melissa Rivers went up against the two-headed monster that is Brande Roderick and Annie Duke, and guess what? She lost. This wasn’t an entirely unthinkable outcome, especially since Melissa had been anticipating it for some time now. What was surprising was the terrible way in which Melissa defended herself. She became very hostile and prickly, using the victim card instead of applying the pressure on Annie or Brande. Melissa reiterated over and over again how she was marginalized despite being a good worker, which was all well and good, but it cast the spotlight on herself, and that in turn made her vulnerable to attacks. She should have focused on Annie’s bad ideas or Brande’s lack of leadership. But she didn’t. At the very least she could have busted Brande for creating the neologism, “Forgoo,” which apparently is the new past tense for “forego.” I mean, seriously, I’m not trying to “coerce” against Brande, but even if you don’t know if the word is “foregone” or “foregoed” or “forewent,” — it’s the latter — the worst possible choice is FORGOO. What past tense verb ever ends in GOO? Not even GOO ends in GOO.
Anyway, Brande got testy, showing guest judge Jim Cramer some necessary fire, and Annie — one of the more clever contestants in the franchise’s history — sat back and stayed out of the fray. Somehow the girls started talking about fundraising, and instead of saying how off-topic it was, Melissa tried to argue that she could raise money too. This just made her seem less effective, and sadly, Trump fired her. I say “sadly” not because I like Melissa so much but because the dynamic of having her and Joan together on the show has been utterly fantastic.
Well, Melissa lost her shit. Even though she was gimpy with torn tendons, she full-on ran out of the boardroom, telling every nearby camera that she most certainly would NOT be doing an interview. The poor doorman in the elevator looked overwhelmed, almost as if to say, “Don’t get mad at me. I’m just an actor from Craigslist.” Eventually, Melissa stormed into the loft, unleashed some cussing, and finally proclaimed Annie and Brande to be “whore pit vipers,” which is my new favorite smackdown. I’m a bit unclear if this means the women are both whores AND pit vipers or if they’re pit vipers that are very whorey or if they’re merely vipers that live in whore pits (and if so, do whores live in pits?), but I liked it anyway. I think Michael K at D-Listed puts it best when he writes, ” I love it when people just dig into their bag of words and use whatever comes out as an insult. ‘YOU’RE A SLUT MACAROON GARTER SNAKE!’
Ever the protective mother, Joan got just a tad bit feisty about the situation, labeling Annie and Brande as a Nazi and her follower. To be fair, she did retract her previous Hitler comparison of Annie, but that was only because she didn’t want to offend Hitler. Joan also called Brande a dumb blonde, and soon the two women began fighting, with the elder blonde saying that this competition was more than just money, to which Brande was like “Um, no it’s not.” Point for Roderick. Sorry Joan. I know you’re mad, but seriously, it IS about money.
I think we knew what Joan was getting at. She meant she wasn’t going to sacrifice her ideals and values for charity. Joan then packed up her things and left the suite; although, not before laying into Annie one more time — telling her in her most withering voice that poker players are traaaaaaaash. Annie refuted the claim and insisted that poker players are actually the most awesome people in the world. Yeah, and you know who also felt that way? NAZIS.
Anyway, Joan stormed out with Melissa, and her status on the rest of the show is now up in the air. I hope she comes back. Not only is she totally entertaining, but she’s hilarious too (not that that’s a surprise). I chuckled at several of her jokes last night, such as when she called Donald Trump a flower or when she announced that she signed up to be the catcher on the javelin team. Gold, I tell you. GOLD! Don’t leave us, Joan. Not now…
If you missed any of this explosive showdown, check out the video here. It’s so amazing that really there’s nothing else to add to it:

What do you think? Did Trump fire the wrong person? Did Melissa fall into a self-fulfilling prophecy? And how did you feel about The Amazing Race?