HILLS RECAP: Audrina Puts The Ho in Ho-waii!

If it’s smelling particularly floral around this blog of late, that’s because I just took a vicarious trip to Hawaii with the likes of LC, Brody, Audrina, and a whole host of transmittable diseases, courtesy of The Hills. Yes, it was time for The Brodester and his posse of lickspittles to embark on their bros-only vacation in the Pacific, and while it’s clearly bros before hos with this crew, the hos seemed particularly out of sorts without their bros. So what did the hos do? They followed the bros to Hawaii. Yes, it was a classic case of sojourn stalking, and no one was more fake surprised than Brody, who prior to the ladies’s appearance was conveniently resting in a hammock and babbling away about how he happy he was right at that moment. And why wouldn’t he have been? He was by the beach, surrounded by his bros (although, his new bud Luke from Bromance was curiously absent), and about to receive several days worth of nonstop flattery from the likes of Frankie and Sleazie T (he of the horrendous forearm tattoo). Unfortunately, the girls had to come by and ruin it all, what with their icky breasts and scary vaginas. Didn’t they realize this was what Bro-dawg was trying to get away from?

Nevertheless, even though the girls totally invaded Brody whilst he was on holiday (I still think it’s poor form), everyone seemed to be generally happy to see each other. Brody didn’t even make Steph cry, but that’s probably because she spent half the night raiding the hotel’s minibars for errant crackers and wafers. Instead, the Brodester laid back and downed some ever-so-impressive Coronitas — because nothing says alpha male like a miniature beer. Actually, my friend IndianJones is quite fond of Coronitas, but I’m not really sure that does much to improve Brody’s reputation.
Anyway, when Brody wasn’t sucking on lil’ beers (no relation to Lil Rounds), he was showing off that increasingly annoying new accent of his. You know what I’m talking about: it’s sort of half surfer, half whiteboy trying to be from the hood, and pretty much all douchey. I’m not saying that Brody IS a douche, just that he sort of sounds like one — what with the extended way he pronounces “L” words like “lie” (which wind up sounding like “Lllaaaahhhhh”). Nitpicky? Yes. But I am a blogger. Biiiiiiitch PLEEZE!
Well, strange patois be damned. Brody was still a catch, and not just for his merry band of sycophants (seriously — they’re getting out of control. They did everything but bend over and grab their ankles for him). Our very own Audrina decided she really wanted to sample the fruits of the Brody tree, and that of course meant flashing those giant veneers at him, which were really just the appetizer for her increasingly plump bosom. Did she have a lovechild that we don’t know about because those mamms are getting bigger every week.
Anyway, Aud and Brode engaged in banal conversation about things like boys and poppy seeds and crayons, and when asked what the status of her and Justin Bobby was, Audrina explained that it was very much a “hate and love” situation — or as I (and the rest of the country) like to call it, a “love/hate” relationship. Seriously, how do you get that wrong? Hate and love? (Actually, it could have been Steph who asked about this, not Brody. Not essential.)
Nevertheless, the flirtations led to soulful yet blank gazes, which in turn blossomed into some late night nookie for Audrina and Brody, whose horniness was best illustrated by suggestive footage of the surf exploding on some nearby rocks (with the rocks representing Audrina, and the surf symbolizing the Brodester’s manjuice — for those without imagination). The two tried ever so slightly to resist their libidos, but who was Brody to deny the moment? “Feelings are feelings,” he said poetically as he revealed his life mantra. I suspect that’s how he rationalizes most things on a day to day basis. Feel like eating a burger? Hey, feelings are feelings. Wanna buy a new car? Feelings are feelings. Wanna give it to Frankie in his man-coochie? Feelings are feelings.
Well, feelings ARE feelings, and it wasn’t long before Brody’s horniness was replaced with regret. But not TOO much regret. He seemed borderline proud when he happily told his boyz that he had cheated on his girlfriend Jayde, the preeminent poster child for early onset Botox addiction. She was gonna be mad (as evidenced by next week’s previews), but it was worth it because a) feelings ARE feelings, and b) the general consensus amongst Brody’s bro-circle of bro-trust was that with a piece of tail like Audrina flittering about, it was practically his obligation to put that shit down (and/or make as many dumb jokes about getting “lei’d” as possible). If I remember correctly, this then prompted our old friend Doug (rhymes with UGH) to chime in with a yammering monologue about who knows what. To be honest, I zoned out. I’ll just assume it had to do with pleasuring Paris Hilton with a frozen burrito.
As for Lauren and the girls, they did little more than hang around and banter about nothing particularly interesting. Stephanie apparently got wasted to the point where she clearly overslept MTV’s arrival. Whereas all the other girls were pretty and camera-ready, Steph emerged from her bedroom with her hair a total mess. I was shocked she didn’t have three Saltines wedged up in her roots.
Unsurprisingly, when Audrina returned from her night in Brody’s bed, the girls just sat there and STARED, waiting for her to give up the goods. It took a moment, but finally Audrina spilled the beans. Yeah, they hooked up, but last time I checked, feelings are feelings; so who the hell cares?
Meanwhile, back in Los Angeles, we had an infinitely more entertaining storyline, courtesy of Heidi’s old flame Colby, who showed up in LA with his girlfriend Ashley. I’ll just put it out there: Colby and Ashley were the best guest stars this show has seen since the arrival of Kelly Cutrone. Unlike all the Hollywood douchebags that float in and out of The Hills universe, Colby and Ashely came from an entirely different background: namely, a religious one. They were so sweet and dopey and yet passive-aggressive and judgmental. It was brilliant. Ashley alone should be a recurring character. Her insistence that Heidi looked so different now — as opposed to in her old photos — immediately ranked as one of my favorite passive-aggressive moments in Hills lore (right up there with Elodie’s pitch-perfect “so… see ya!” kiss off). I almost felt bad for Heidi. Nothing burns more than getting dissed by a girl who can’t even pronounce “fornication.” (I believe Ashley’s version was “forn-if-ication.” She probably says IRREGARDLESS too. Supposively.)
As entertaining as it was to watch Colby and Ashley gawk at Speidi, it was even more fun observing Spencer’s incredulous responses to them — partially because I was kiiind of thinking the same things he was saying. For instance, he was absolutely shocked that Colby and Ashley got two separate rooms at the hotel they were staying at, and if that wasn’t conservative enough, they even turned their nose up at dancing. DANCING! Are we in Footloose or something?
Later, Spencer went boxing with Colby, and he continued to press him on such topics as sex and… well… sex. Spence seemed unable to conceive of the notion that Colby and Ashley were still virgins. If there were an earthquake tomorrow, Spencer mused, both of them would DIE VIRGINS! This was something that Spencer simply couldn’t imagine. How could it be? Could they have sex in heaven? (Seriously, he asked that.) The whole thing felt oddly like a sitcom, and guess what? It’s a sitcom I’d like to watch more of. Please, producers, bring back Colby and Ashley! They’re the perfect Speidi foil!j
Anyway, I can’t really remember anything else noteworthy from the show. Let’s look at some pictures!
(or not. MTV hasn’t posted them yet. Check back)
*By the way, I don’t think Audrina is a ho for sleeping with Brody. I just called her that in the headline because I wanted to say “Ho-waii.”
What did you think about the episode?