Oh Kelly, Kelly, Kelly. They don’t get much denser than you now, do they? On last night’s penultimate episode of the Real Housewives of New York City, we once again got a delightful smattering of Lady Bensimon idiocy, starting with her inability to grasp simple metaphors and ending with her bizarre refusal to acknowledge any of the nasty comments she had ever made to Bethenny. It was classic Kelly, and I once again spent most of the episode scratching my head and wondering if she really could be that awful?
The answer is yes. Yes she can.
If you missed any of the action, do yourself a favor and watch the show. In the meantime, take a seat here on the metaphorical version of Ally’s bed that is my blog and let me relay all the glorious ups and downs of last night’s episode.
I guess if there’s anyone to start bitching about, it’s Kelly. She was in rare form last night Ã¢â‚¬â€Ã‚Â squeaking and honking like the chew toy that she is. Before we even got to the big Bethenny showdown, Kelly was being absolutely ridiculous as she went out to drinks with The Countess and her nieces. It was supposed to be a girls-night-out (a.k.a. a chance for LuAnn to both feel hip and cool and also vicariously relive her youth all at once), but of course Kelly had to ruin it by inviting Handsome Max to the proceedings, thus injecting a healthy dose of penis into what was supposed to be strictly a vag-fest. Thank God Ramona wasn’t there. We all know she doesn’t fare well with men at ladies nights. She probably would have spun around in circles before finally hurling herself through a glass window.
Luckily for LuAnn, Max’s appearance was brief (although, it was certainly long enough for Kelly to toot her patented “Hi!” as well as her less frequently used “Bye!” Ã¢â‚¬â€Ã‚Â said in that same annoying high pitched squeal). When the Handsome One wasn’t lingering around the women, LuAnn tried to get some ever-so-forced banter off the ground by asking what makes the perfect date, and Kelly answered by revealing what sort of foods she wouldn’t eat (salad, pasta) and what foods she would (steak). More importantly, she educated us on her favorite date activity: STUFF. Yes, according to Kelly, her perfect date involves going out and, uh, doing stuff. Now that’s the sort of articulate response I expect from a master wordsmith such as Kelly. Poor LuAnn looked a bit puzzled by this entire interaction, and we could tell she was silently dismissing Kelly in her head, but unlike Bethenny, she hasn’t quite gotten to the point where she can out and out verbalize her disdain. Still, she certainly let out the haughty Countess laugh on multiple occasions, and that’s pretty much the equivalent of her saying, “Seriously, you’re an idiot.”
Never was the haughty Countess laugh employed more heartily than when LuAnn asked Kelly what she did for fun Ã¢â‚¬â€Ã‚Â you know, how did she ever let her hair down?
Well, never one to shy away from a question, Kelly reached up into her hair and literally let it down. Ta-da! That’s how she lets her hair down!
If your jaw dropped at this idiocy, don’t worry. You weren’t the only one. Not even LuAnn could believe Kelly’s stupefying reaction. I mean, had she never even heard of metaphorical discussion? It was just too ridiculous to be believed.
Ah, but it was only a primer for what came later in the show: Kelly vs. Bethenny Part 2.
The two women needed to have a sit-down after the tension between them grew entirely too thick at Alex and Simon’s housewarming party (which Ramona and Mario shockingly didn’t attend). Bethenny and Kelly managed to co-exist in the same room, but not without a good deal of unspoken animosity flowing between them. Of course, Kelly tried her best to ignore it by giving Bethenny what could be considered The World’s Fakest Goodbye in the History of Fake Goodbyes. I can’t really describe it here, but needless to say, it was hilariously superficial and awful. In Kelly’s mind, I’m sure she thinks she was just being friendly and affable and an adult rising above the childishness, but to everyone else, it came off as pure phoniness. In other words, it was awesome.
Well, the craziness had gotten too much for Jill to handle; so she arranged a powwow of sorts between Bethenny and Kelly. The two women took a seat on Ally Zarin’s bed (second to Lake Geneva for peace accords) and tried to clear the air about their previous blow-out, blow-up, blow-in (whatever you want to call it). Things started on an ooookay note as Bethenny attempted to explain her feelings and perspective, but she soon found herself running into a brick wall. Specifically, a brick wall with a bad boob job and no grasp for metaphors. Yes, Kelly was completely closed off, and anytime Bethenny voiced anything critical of her, she would simply repeat words over again in protest such as “No, no, no” or “Stop, stop, stop” or “Bethenny, Bethenny, Bethenny” or “Hi! Hi! Hi!” Okay, maybe not that last one. But that’s all I could hear in my mind at certain points.
If you thought Kelly’s behavior was shockingly awful, it only got worse. She completely denied saying anything of the things that she said at the Brass Monkey (even though they are WELL documented on tape) and acted as if Bethenny was crazy for even insinuating such things. I guess maybe it could be hard to remember a conversation if you’re high on coke (or at least the fumes leaking from your faulty breast implants). Once again, this attempt at clearing the air completely stalled; although, if you asked Kelly, it was a total success because she announced that the air was official clear Ã¢â‚¬â€ which it wasn’t. If anything, things were now about ten times worse, but that didn’t stop Lady Bensimon from mentioning in the middle of everything that Bethenny was wearing an adorable “Zach” dress. Huh? It was the most bizarre thing ever. I think it was her attempt to add a token compliment to show that she is an adult and capable of being friendly to those who are aggressive to her, but it again just seemed phony and out of place. Besides, I like how all of Kelly’s alleged compliments focus on being “cute” or “adorable.” Clearly we see where her priorities in life are.
Ultimately, this summit was a total FAIL, which is great for us because honestly, who likes when things are peaceful on this show? Not me. As for the rest of the gang, there’s hardly anything to report Ã¢â‚¬â€Ã‚Â or anything WORTH reporting compared to all the Kelly junk. Ramona got some Botox and revealed she suffered from chronic pit stains; Simon and Alex finished their renovations (and Simon dazzled all with a shiny black blazer that may or may not have come from the Cat Woman reject pile); and Jill flittered about, gabbing with Bethenny about men and models and air conditioning (I believe “Baaawwwwby! I’m in a wind tunnel!!!” was uttered at one point).
Anyway, enough babbling. Let’s move onto the photos!