HOUSEWIVES PHOTOCAP: Kelly Bensimon Is Still An Idiot

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Oh Kelly, Kelly, Kelly. They don’t get much denser than you now, do they? On last night’s penultimate episode of the Real Housewives of New York City, we once again got a delightful smattering of Lady Bensimon idiocy, starting with her inability to grasp simple metaphors and ending with her bizarre refusal to acknowledge any of the nasty comments she had ever made to Bethenny. It was classic Kelly, and I once again spent most of the episode scratching my head and wondering if she really could be that awful?
The answer is yes. Yes she can.
If you missed any of the action, do yourself a favor and watch the show. In the meantime, take a seat here on the metaphorical version of Ally’s bed that is my blog and let me relay all the glorious ups and downs of last night’s episode.


I guess if there’s anyone to start bitching about, it’s Kelly. She was in rare form last night — squeaking and honking like the chew toy that she is. Before we even got to the big Bethenny showdown, Kelly was being absolutely ridiculous as she went out to drinks with The Countess and her nieces. It was supposed to be a girls-night-out (a.k.a. a chance for LuAnn to both feel hip and cool and also vicariously relive her youth all at once), but of course Kelly had to ruin it by inviting Handsome Max to the proceedings, thus injecting a healthy dose of penis into what was supposed to be strictly a vag-fest. Thank God Ramona wasn’t there. We all know she doesn’t fare well with men at ladies nights. She probably would have spun around in circles before finally hurling herself through a glass window.
Luckily for LuAnn, Max’s appearance was brief (although, it was certainly long enough for Kelly to toot her patented “Hi!” as well as her less frequently used “Bye!” — said in that same annoying high pitched squeal). When the Handsome One wasn’t lingering around the women, LuAnn tried to get some ever-so-forced banter off the ground by asking what makes the perfect date, and Kelly answered by revealing what sort of foods she wouldn’t eat (salad, pasta) and what foods she would (steak). More importantly, she educated us on her favorite date activity: STUFF. Yes, according to Kelly, her perfect date involves going out and, uh, doing stuff. Now that’s the sort of articulate response I expect from a master wordsmith such as Kelly. Poor LuAnn looked a bit puzzled by this entire interaction, and we could tell she was silently dismissing Kelly in her head, but unlike Bethenny, she hasn’t quite gotten to the point where she can out and out verbalize her disdain. Still, she certainly let out the haughty Countess laugh on multiple occasions, and that’s pretty much the equivalent of her saying, “Seriously, you’re an idiot.”
Never was the haughty Countess laugh employed more heartily than when LuAnn asked Kelly what she did for fun — you know, how did she ever let her hair down?
Well, never one to shy away from a question, Kelly reached up into her hair and literally let it down. Ta-da! That’s how she lets her hair down!
If your jaw dropped at this idiocy, don’t worry. You weren’t the only one. Not even LuAnn could believe Kelly’s stupefying reaction. I mean, had she never even heard of metaphorical discussion? It was just too ridiculous to be believed.
Ah, but it was only a primer for what came later in the show: Kelly vs. Bethenny Part 2.
The two women needed to have a sit-down after the tension between them grew entirely too thick at Alex and Simon’s housewarming party (which Ramona and Mario shockingly didn’t attend). Bethenny and Kelly managed to co-exist in the same room, but not without a good deal of unspoken animosity flowing between them. Of course, Kelly tried her best to ignore it by giving Bethenny what could be considered The World’s Fakest Goodbye in the History of Fake Goodbyes. I can’t really describe it here, but needless to say, it was hilariously superficial and awful. In Kelly’s mind, I’m sure she thinks she was just being friendly and affable and an adult rising above the childishness, but to everyone else, it came off as pure phoniness. In other words, it was awesome.
Well, the craziness had gotten too much for Jill to handle; so she arranged a powwow of sorts between Bethenny and Kelly. The two women took a seat on Ally Zarin’s bed (second to Lake Geneva for peace accords) and tried to clear the air about their previous blow-out, blow-up, blow-in (whatever you want to call it). Things started on an ooookay note as Bethenny attempted to explain her feelings and perspective, but she soon found herself running into a brick wall. Specifically, a brick wall with a bad boob job and no grasp for metaphors. Yes, Kelly was completely closed off, and anytime Bethenny voiced anything critical of her, she would simply repeat words over again in protest such as “No, no, no” or “Stop, stop, stop” or “Bethenny, Bethenny, Bethenny” or “Hi! Hi! Hi!” Okay, maybe not that last one. But that’s all I could hear in my mind at certain points.
If you thought Kelly’s behavior was shockingly awful, it only got worse. She completely denied saying anything of the things that she said at the Brass Monkey (even though they are WELL documented on tape) and acted as if Bethenny was crazy for even insinuating such things. I guess maybe it could be hard to remember a conversation if you’re high on coke (or at least the fumes leaking from your faulty breast implants). Once again, this attempt at clearing the air completely stalled; although, if you asked Kelly, it was a total success because she announced that the air was official clear — which it wasn’t. If anything, things were now about ten times worse, but that didn’t stop Lady Bensimon from mentioning in the middle of everything that Bethenny was wearing an adorable “Zach” dress. Huh? It was the most bizarre thing ever. I think it was her attempt to add a token compliment to show that she is an adult and capable of being friendly to those who are aggressive to her, but it again just seemed phony and out of place. Besides, I like how all of Kelly’s alleged compliments focus on being “cute” or “adorable.” Clearly we see where her priorities in life are.
Ultimately, this summit was a total FAIL, which is great for us because honestly, who likes when things are peaceful on this show? Not me. As for the rest of the gang, there’s hardly anything to report — or anything WORTH reporting compared to all the Kelly junk. Ramona got some Botox and revealed she suffered from chronic pit stains; Simon and Alex finished their renovations (and Simon dazzled all with a shiny black blazer that may or may not have come from the Cat Woman reject pile); and Jill flittered about, gabbing with Bethenny about men and models and air conditioning (I believe “Baaawwwwby! I’m in a wind tunnel!!!” was uttered at one point).
Anyway, enough babbling. Let’s move onto the photos!

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“Now you two sit here while Mommy and Daddy have sex in the fabric samples.”

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“Must… kill… DADDY!!!”

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“I do hope Johan is faring well. He’s only used to fabric stores in St. Barts, and I didn’t want to traumatize him.”

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“DIE! DIE! DIE!”

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“So the harness and cage go over there, yes?”

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“Ramona, I have a very classy office as evidenced by the ionic columns I’ve drawn on the walls with magic marker.”

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“I should add this device to my skincare line. I’d call it TruLaserGun.”

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“Cheers! Everyone enjoy some cake! It’s actually slivers from our sofa!”

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“I don’t know if it’s the wine or the fact that our couch resembles a giant blood clot, but I want to kiss you so badly right now.”

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“Sometimes I think to myself, how did we get so lucky to live in a place that looks like the underside of a French whore’s bustier?”

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“Kelly, I just want to clear the air and make sure we’re on the same page about things.”

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“Bethenny, stop. Stop. Stop.”

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“I’m just saying that—”

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“No, Bethenny. No. No. No.”

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“You told me that you were up here, and I was down here.”

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“Bethenny, no. No. No. No. Just stop. Stop. Stop. Bethenny. Bethenny. Stop. No. Bethenny.”

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“You’re just repeating words now.”

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“No. No. Stop. Stop. Bethenny. Bethenny. Bethenny. Bethenny.”

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“See that? What you did just now? You were repeating?”

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“Bethenny. Bethenny. Bethenny. Bethenny. CUTE DRESS! Bethenny. Stop. Just stop. No.”

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“What are you even saying?”

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“Seriously, Bethenny? We’re sitting on this ADORABLE girl’s bed, and that’s all you have to say?”

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“FINALLY! You stopped repeating yourself.”

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“No. No. No. Bethenny, just stop. Stop. Stop. Stop.”

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“Can you believe this one?”

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“The air is clear. Just stop. Stop. Stop. Bethenny. Please. Stop. No. No. No. No.”

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“I’m dating a model.”

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…..

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“A French model.”

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………..

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“Who’s also a photographer.”

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“LISTEN TO ME, YOU FUCKING BITCH! I’M UP HERE, AND YOU’RE DOWN THERE, AND YOU CAN NEVER, EVER DATE A FRENCH MODEL/PHOTOGRAPHER! EVER!!!!”

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“By the way, I love the earrings!”

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“YOU BITCH! YOU ARE TOTALLY INAPPROPRIATE, AND YOU NEED TO CHILL OUT!!!!”

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“Note that you just told me that you were up here and I was down there.”

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“No, I didn’t.”

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“You just said it!”

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“Bethenny, stop. Stop. Stop. Stop…”

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“I need a Skinny Girl Margarita.”

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“Maybe if I send Ginge-ah in, that’ll help. BAWWWBBBY!!!! WHERE’S GINGER????”

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“In other news, I’m banging Alex Rodriguez now.”
“Who?”

22 replies on “HOUSEWIVES PHOTOCAP: Kelly Bensimon Is Still An Idiot”

  1. Oh my goodness, the hair down thing was perhaps the funniest reality TV moment I’ve ever witnessed. Because also her facial expression was a mixture of offended and confused, like “Why is the Countess asking me how I let my hair down? I thought it looked super cute today! Also, is she an idiot? I just take out the bobby pins!”
    That woman is insane.

  2. Did anyone notice that Kelly got confused and thought Bethany had accused her of being high? She has to be on some kind of drug.

  3. I noticed that right away… Kelly getting defensive and accusing Betheny of saying she was high.
    Kelly is not right. I don’t even know if therapy could help her. She is just so clueless about how she comes off to people. And she really, truly thinks that she is right and they are wrong. She is completely delusional.
    Simon and Alex’s apartment looks almost as bad as Jill’s. What is with these people and their lack of taste?

  4. Great recap. I could not even have found words to describe how haughty and dismissive Kelly was, while at the same time being utterly nonsensical. She has to be on drugs, right?

  5. This photocap is hilarious!
    When horseface Kelly let her hair down, she flipped it around like she was in some 80’s music video or a porn film. She is unbelievable.
    Alex and Simon’s home is a disaster.
    They showed that it was a GE monogram appliance so many times, I thought I was watching Top Chef. So, I guess they got a deal?

  6. I enjoyed how Jill made Kelly explain how come she was so late to her own Halloween party. And Kelly seemed to come up with about a dozen excuses/reasons/lies.
    Alex & Simon’s House of Horrors matches their “life is a stage” attitude. I am surprised they didn’t have a couple of spotlights trained on them at all times.
    Ramona is so hyper and fidgety and her constant eye-popping surprise face is annoying. The walls of that clinic she went to reminds me of the walls in “Three Men and a Baby”.
    The dude Bethenny got set up with was adorable. And I love that he didn’t quite understand her being a Ball-Buster. HA.
    hb

  7. Thanks for a hilarious recap B 🙂
    Sorry but Kelly is such an a-wipe. Someone should break the news to Kelly that she is not as cool as she thinks she is. I couldnt believe how juvenile Kelly was acting, shes utterly annoying.

  8. AWESOME photocap!!
    I totally agree that Kelly is a brainless idiot, but I also admit to any time I am forced to listen to Bethenny talk for long periods, I too say, “No. No. No. Bethenny, please shut up.” Her voices grates!!
    I don’t understand the idea of confronting a person because they fail to acknowledge you. Bethenny constantly changes the exaggeration of whether she has seen Kelly out 10 or 700 times, but if I were Bethenny, I’d get the hint and start ignoring her first…
    Just when I had enough of Part II of the Bethenny/Kelly rematch, I clicked on Andy Cohen’s blog at Bravo and Bethenny had stopped by his office (in a bizarre hat) and they taped a video blog. He had a bunch of books written by Bravo celebrities and wanted Bethenny’s imput.
    The only book she had anything nice to say about was the Top Chef cookbook, but when Andy mentioned Padma, the first words out of Bethenny’s mouth were, “Ya know, I have met her dozens of times, but when I see her out, she pretends not to know me.”
    Is anyone else sensing some rare type of invisibility complex???
    The first season of Real Housewives of NYC was really short (like 5 or 7 episodes). This season, it feels like it’s dragged on forever. I hate to give Kelly props, but if weren’t for that crazy biatch running down 5th Avenue or taking her hair down….I fear EVERY scene would be in Zarin Fabrics!!

  9. I just realized, that everytime I see a picture of Kelly, I make this face like I just smelled something bad.
    I love hating her.

  10. I just found this blog and the photo recaps made me spit coffee all over my monitor. You’re my new favorite person.
    In reference to Silex’s new living room; wasn’t it Brad who found the ho-house fabric? Simon and Alex were looking at solid’s. I think Brad’s the one who pushed the flocked velvet. He needs to be fired. That’s two homes he was instrumental in destroying. The funniest part is how both homeowners just loooooooooove it. Reminds me so much of the children’s story – The Emperor’s Clothes!
    Kelly. Kelly, Kelly, Kelly. If her ex is any kind of a father at all he will use these tapes to get full custody of their children.
    -Dawn

  11. I must admit that I inititally read this before watching the episode. I laughed at both the recap and the comments and agreed along with the “Kelly is an idiot comments” – BUT I never, ever could have imagined how MUCH of a true idiot she is. This episode left me dumbfounded. How is this woman a “writer”?!?
    IMO Bethanny should have responded to Kelly’s insaneness like this: “I’d like to quote Miss SC and say: ‘I personally believe, that U.S. Americans, are unable to do so, because uh, some people out there, in our nation don’t have maps. and uh…I believe that our education like such as in South Africa, and the Iraq, everywhere like such as…and, I believe they should uh, our education over here, in the U.S. should help the U.S. or should help South Africa, and should help the Iraq and Asian countries so we will be able to build up our future, for us.’
    That’s about how much sense Kelly made.

  12. Kelly has a degree in literature and writing so I can only hope that she writes better than she speaks. Seriously, the girl needs some public speaking classes and fast! When she was talking to Bethenny I really did believe that she had no clue what happened during their first fight or what she said. And I’m sure she’ll deny being “on drugs” — but I’m guessing all of hers are prescriptions of some sort. If the Orange County housewives are looking for another, she’d be a good choice. She’s got the tanned leathery skin and drug induced idiocy that would fit right in.

  13. Kelly,
    Like, you should really, like, listen to yourself when you, like, talk, because you, like, talk like you are, like, 15 years old. like. I like listened to you, like, talk to Luann and her niece about dating, like and you said like maybe every other word. For all of you out there with Tivo…. it is scary that a grown woman of 40 years old speaks this way. scary.

  14. Oh stop with your insufferable attacks. She appears to be suffering from a hi high-functioning type of autism (e.g., Aspberger’s Syndrome or some other “Non-verbal Communication Disorder in the Autistic spectrum). That means that by birth, she’s extremely left-brained and concrete in her thinking. As a mental health professional, I’ve observed the many ways in which she misinterprets (i.e., she literally interprets) the light, joking banter of her colleagues–she calls it “chatter” or “white noise”. Please read more about this condition, noting that a high percentage of such affected individuals are able to manage careers and families; they’re simply incapable of reacting to others’ emotions in the “normal” way because their right-brained skills are limited. (Many famous people (i.e., the “Silicon Valley” computer millionaires) are similarly affected. Once this hidden “phenomenum” is better understood (and accepted), it should take some of the pressure off the other “wives.” They would need to adapt their conversations skills accordingly. Kelly would ‘prove’ she wasn’t so ‘dumb’ if someone thought to ask her questions about the mechanics of riding or the different theories of riding involving the horse’s center of gravity. She may even outshine the other wives. Conversely, the girls would have the unique opportunity to learn and grow from the experience. Afterall, who can really dispute Kelly’s descriptor of their dialogue as “chatter”?

    1. LJH,
      That is the most logical and thoughtful explanation for Kelly’s behavior. Her “Austistic” attributes would certainly explain her extreme narcisisism as well as her lack of empathy toward others. (ie: telling Bethenny that “lots of people have that” in reference to B.’ raw feelings regarding her recently deceased estranged father. Another example includes saying “that’s cute” when Jill shared that her daughter had rheumatoid arthritis). The cook/chef debaucle makes even more sense with your explanantion as Kelly seemed to be trying to make a literal distinction (through repetition) as opposed to trying to insult Bethenny, but it just looked so awkward and rude. She truly seems to have no idea how she is percieved by others.

      I honestly thought Kelly may have suffered trama as a young woman from which she has not recovered, resulting in arrested development (ie: her adolescent thought process and demeanor), but your explanation better accounts for her lack of empathy. She appears clueless because she is when it comes to relating others. It may also explain her repugnance for expressing “feelings” because they are “so 1979.”

      She over-exaggerats her affective speech, especially when it comes to “thanking” someone, like a waiter as if she’s been coached in manners with no real understanding of gratitude or graciousness. She knows she’s supposed to say certain things at certain times, but she comes across as very insincere, if not inappropriate.

      I don’t mean to drone on about this subject, but Kelly does prove to be a much more sympathetic character when viewed from the lens of a mental health practioner. Thanks for the insight.

  15. Kelly Killoren Bensimon gives a whole new meaning to dumb models. look at her she claims to be mother? to who a cat/dog cause there is no way its actually children…. just get help or get off the show, cause you have nothing to give to the show. Intelligence: hell no
    Ideas: don’t think so
    stupidity: yes,yes,yes

  16. Regardless of the diagnosis this does not excuse the fact that she is just plain mean and disrespectful. She is completely inappropriate and feels the need to hate those she feels competitive toward. She has a boob job, albeit a bad one, and comments negatively on Bethenny’s sized D breasts. From the onset she initiated aggression as seen in her meeting with B at the pub where she felt the need to tell B she was down here while she is up here. What the hell does that even mean. She suffers from plain old jealousy. I have to wonder if “she” really isn’t a “he”. Surgically altered of course. That would explain the body build and the inability to mingle with other women. Kelly is a “wanna be”. I wanna be anything else but me, cause I don’t even like myself. And, there you have it!

  17. Kelly,
    Please don’t return to future episodes. I really want the world to think attractive women can be smart too, and you set us back to the age before women were allowed into the workforce. Please go the freak away.
    from Intelligent and Attractive

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