HOUSEWIVES PHOTOCAP: The Most Amazing Fight Ever

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Hype = fulfilled.

OH. MY. GOODNESS.
After weeks of anticipation, we finally got to see the epic brawl on The Real Housewives of New Jersey tonight, and it did not disappoint in the least. It was — as the kids say — O.O.C. (That stands for “Out of Control”). I’m telling you, there has never been a fight like this in Housewives, nay, Bravo history. There were lies, accusations, screams, and one unlucky tabletop that went falling to the floor. In short, it was amazing.


I’m actually a bit at a loss for what to say. There was so much, I mean, SO MUCH, that my brain sort of shut down. It couldn’t absorb the chaos on screen. I will try my best to retell the events, but like many of the gossiping wags at CHATEAU: THE ART OF BEAUTY, I may get some of the details wrong. Here’s what we do know: all the wives, with the exception of Jacqueline (the surprising hero of the episode), acted like idiots. Danielle chose the wrong time and place to air her grievances, and she did so in an aggressive, confrontational way that really is not helpful to achieving a mature dialogue. Dina was similarly brash — perhaps feeding off of Danielle — and her dismissiveness only served to heighten the tension. Caroline was great as the moderator… until she too got sucked into the drama and turned into a raving lunatic. And Teresa, well, I think her new bubbies are filled with crazy juice because her outburst made no sense at all (but was welcomed).
The fun all began when all the housewives departed their homes for a season-ending party hosted by Teresa. With guitars blazing and drums thumping, the entire sequence felt like the meeting of the five families. Shockingly though, the dinner party proved to be rather pleasant and jovial… that is, until Danielle surfaced. This was gonna go sour real fast. Sure enough, right in the middle of the banter, Danielle whipped out a copy of “THE BOOK” (as seen at CHATEAU: THE ART OF BEAUTY) and plopped it down on the table. It was awkward to say the least. No one really knew what the hell she was doing, but we were treated to several sound bytes of the women asking things like “Is she really going to do this? Right here? Right now?” Yes, ladies. It was about to be on like Donkey Kong (assuming Donkey Kong had big fake breasts).
Anyway, everyone tried to ignore the book at first, but Danielle wasn’t about to let that happen. She decided this would be the time to clear the air about her past. According to her, there were only two truths in the book: she got arrested, and she changed her name. Okay. Well, that’s it, right?
WRAWNG.
Had it been me, I would have said “I apologize for not bringing this up earlier, and I can understand how it’s cause for alarm, but it’s important for me that you know the truth, and I hope we can all move on.” End of story. But this was Danielle we were talking about. She launched into a diatribe about how the rumors from this book have haunted her for years and how people in Franklin Lakes have been spreading rumors about her, and yada yada yada. It was all very uncomfortable, and I was slightly appalled to know that her poor kids (as well as some of the others) were still in the room. There’s nothing worse than watching adults scream at each other, especially if they’re your parents (and on national TV). I think it’s safe to say there was some psychological scarring that night.
Nevertheless, Dina perceived that Danielle was directing her wrath at her, and so she interrupted her, not wanting to indulge the drama queen by letting her spout off these slanderous insinuations. This, of course, only pissed Danielle off more. The way she saw it, she was finally getting to say her piece, and Dina was essentially cockblocking her. This led to a snippy back and forth between the two until Caroline stepped up as Momma Bear and told her sister to shut up and wait her turn. For a moment, it looked like there might be a civilized discussion.
But there wasn’t. For the life of me, I don’t remember how it got to this point, but after enough quibbling between the women, Caroline leaned over, looked Danielle in the eye, and began the speech I had waited all season for.
“LET ME TELL YOU A SOMETHING ABOUT MY FAMILY,” she said as I clapped along like a hyperactive seal. Yes, this was the moment — the moment when Caroline finally transformed from tough momma to the second coming of Don Corleone. I was so excited that I hardly expected the bombshell she dropped next: she was the one who started the rumors.
Insert record scratch here.
Yes, in the twist of the season — of the franchise — it turns out that it wasn’t Dina, as everyone had long suspected. It was Caroline who had brought the book to CHATEAU: THE ART OF BEAUTY and had sullied Danielle’s reputation. At last! It’s out in the open! We can move on!
WRAWNG AGAIN.
Danielle wasn’t buying it. She accused Caroline of acting like a protective bigger sister and taking the gossip bullet. But no. Caroline was adamant that it was she who had committed the crime. At this point, Danielle should have said “Well, maybe I heard wrong,” but she wasn’t gonna drop it, and that pissed off the Manzo sisters to no end. It was a battle of the wills. Their word against hers (and for the record, I’d like to remind everyone that this all stemmed from GOSSIP, not fact). If only there were someone — a third party, if you will — that could set the story straight once and for all.
Oh that’s right. We forgot about Jacqueline. The meek peacemaker of the group had been sitting in the corner quietly, perhaps wishing she were back in her driveway staring at her daughter’s not-car. But alas, she could stay neutral no longer. She had to pick a side. After a season of hemming and hawing, it all came down to this. Would she defend her sisters? Or take the side of her best friend? Well, blood is thicker than water, and no one ever squeals against The Family, right?
WRAWNG WRAWNG WRAWNG!
A frustrated Jacqueline burst out with her confession: Caroline and Dina BOTH spread the rumors around town! Dunh dunh dunh!!! Let me tell you something, I could have been watching a documentary about Chernobyl because this was turning into a Stage-5, clear-the-county-and-the-next-county-over meltdown. Suddenly, all three sisters were fighting, with the Manzos alternately accusing Jacqueline of lying and being disloyal. Not making matters any better was Jacqueline’s admission that she was only going on what she’d heard from the gossip around CHATEAU: THE ART OF BEAUTY. It’s like these women never learned the valuable life lessons of “Telephone.” (off topic, but did you know that according to Wikipedia, “telephone” has alternate, neatly racist names such as “Chinese Whispers” or “Arab Phone”? Of course, the irony of passing on facts about “Telephone” gleaned from Wikipedia is not lost on me).
Anyway, while the sisters fought angrily over the Chinese Whispers at Chateau (the art of beauty), Danielle suddenly quieted down, muttering dramatically, “I didn’t want this. I didn’t want this.” This, of course, was patently untrue because had she thought about the repercussions of her confrontation for half a millisecond, she would have known that such a chaotic scene would unfurl. Why else ambush everyone at dinner? I couldn’t help feeling this was Danielle’s M.O.: come out swinging, and once she’s gotten a rise out of someone, clam up and act as if they’re the crazy ones for going bonkers in response. It’s what she did with the Manzo sisters and later with Teresa.
Oh, Teresa, Teresa, Teresa. She seemed so calm at the top of the episode when she gave Dina a tour of the new mansion (which featured columns that resembled yogurt-covered cheese sticks). It was there that she first professed her intention to invite Danielle to her dinner party. She didn’t really want Danielle there, but according to Teresa, she wasn’t a rude person (something she reiterated ad nauseam throughout the episode), and so she felt compelled by the power of superficiality to extend an invitation to Danielle. Of course, anyone who believed that needed their head checked. Every season of this franchise ends with some sort of party or gathering. Danielle didn’t come thanks to Teresa’s graciousness. She came because it was preordained by The Bravo Powers That Be.
And thank God. This fight was out of control, and it was only getting worse by the second. With the sisters all fighting and screaming, it was only a matter of time before Teresa weighed in with her astute opinions. She simply couldn’t believe that everything in the book was false. It just couldn’t be! An exasperated Danielle turned to her and reminded her that not everything was false: she did change her name and did get arrested, dammit! She then snapped, “PAY ATTENTION!”
WELL.
Nobody disrespects Teresa at her own dinner party! Danielle can’t just act like a barbarian! Where did she think she was? CHATEAU: THE ART OF BEAUTY? Excuse me, but Teresa is a CLASSY woman (exhibit A: her refined mansion), and she will not stand for such shenanigans. She’s just not rude like that.
And so Teresa completely lost it. She reiterated that these rumors had to stem from some kernel of truth (faulty logic, but okay), and as Teresa rattled off the various claims in the book, she managed to whip herself up into such a frenzy that she actually slammed her hands down on the table in anger. I don’t know what it was about that action — maybe feeling the flat surface on her hands brought back traumatic memories of her pre-augmentation chest — but Teresa then up and flipped the table over, knocking plates, glasses, and pasta to the floor below. Yes, she was out-crazying the crazies. And she was just getting started. Teresa rose and began yelling utterly indecipherable things at Danielle like a madwoman (see you on The Soup!) before her husband grabbed her and practically choked her into silence. Pretty much the only word I understood was “WHORE!”
All the women looked stunned, and I thought maybe the brawl had run its course, but it still had plenty of life in it. Teresa kissed her husband on the lips randomly and rejoined the table for the dénouement, which involved Dina saying she despised Danielle (the feeling was mutual) and then adding that she wasn’t going to spread rumors about her. She was merely going pray for her. Yes, it was a tad condescending. Had Dina not already proven herself to be immensely likable (ie. her bedroom cleaning with Lexi), I would have totally written her off. Caroline wasn’t much better when she told Jacqueline that she’d embarrassed her parents (who I assume are dead). It was kind of a cheap move and showed no empathy for Jacqueline who was in the worst position of all of them.
Anyway, Jacqueline’s husband, who happens to be the brother of the Manzo sisters, finally spoke up and told everyone to shut up and stop acting like idiots. This more or less concluded the fight, and soon everyone was shuffling out of the restaurant murmuring about the chaotic scene that had just unfolded. And with that, the season just ENDED. Damn, I would have liked some post game analysis. You know those car rides back home had to have been filled with all sorts of good stuff. I think it’s safe to say that there will be no love lost between Danielle and the Manzos. It’s all for the best anyway. The sisters shouldn’t be wasting time with a criminal lowlife like Danielle. They only hangs out with upstanding members of the community. You know, like Bernie Kerik.
What did you think about the episode and the fight? Who was right? Who was wrong? How should it have been handled? And who else will be watching the “Director’s Cut” of the fight on Thursday??

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Joe: “Look at this glass. It was totally made by a gaylord. Heh. That’s so gay.”

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“For the record I HATE CYPRUS AND NEVER WANT MY DAUGHTER TO LEAVE ME AGAIN!”

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“Just because she has no hair doesn’t mean Grandma Wrinkles isn’t a cat, you dumb BITCH!”

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“I’m sorry I flipped the table over. It’s just that when I saw there was no marble or onyx in this room, I kind of freaked out a bit.”

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“Sometimes when I see my daughter, I just want to STRANGLE her. Just like THIS!”

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“You girls wanna go for a ride? Okay, sit on the table. Mamma’s gonna flip you over!”

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Christopher: “Oh man. This is so awful. I can’t wait to Facebook EVERYONE ABOUT THIS!!!!”

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“C’mere, you. I know you’re Jacqueline’s husband and all; so I’ll keep this short: DO ME.”

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“Nothing could ever ruin this night. Nothing at all. Hahahahahaa.”

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“Hey Caroline, I just gave your son a hand job under the table.”

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Dina: “I know you don’t have bubbies, Lexi. You’re just padding your bra with Halloween candy.”

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“Let me tell you a something about my family. WE’RE AS THICK AS THIEVES.”

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“AND WE’RE UNNATURALLY OBSESSED WITH BUBBIES.”

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“ESPECIALLY THICK BUBBIES BELONGING TO THIEVES…”

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“…WHO WE’RE AS THICK AS. MY FAMILY, THAT IS.”

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“I MEAN, WE’RE AS THICK AS ALL THIEVES.”

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“BUT WE’RE PARTICULARLY AS THICK AS THIEVES WHO HAVE THICK BUBBIES.”

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“I HAVE NOW TOLD YOU A SOMETHING ABOUT MY FAMILY. THANK YOU.”

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24 thoughts on “HOUSEWIVES PHOTOCAP: The Most Amazing Fight Ever

  1. Oh B-Side, excellent photocap. I was laughing the entire time I was reading this.
    The New Jersey ladies finally managed to come through tonight, and boy was it ever glorious. I think my favorite part of the whole showdown at was both Albie and Chris (Jacque’s husband) looking like they wanted the floor to open up and swallow them whole. They seriously looked like they were dying of embarrassment the whole time (Albie especially during the “oyster” talk).
    And, I’m going to have to agree with you on the DIna likability factor, despite some definite awfulness. It is almost solely because of her interactions with Lexie though. Those two are comedy gold. Being an avid RHONYC watcher, I never though that watching any of these women with their kids would generate a positive reaction in me.
    Here’s to hoping the reunion is a full episode of this nonsense.
    (Also, this is my first post ever on this blog, sorry it’s so long; but I’ve been reading your recaps since the tvgasm laguna day, and I gotta say, thanks for many an entertaining read. You’ve only gotten better with time).

  2. Way to ruin a dinner party Danielle. We she said “I didn’t want this” Caroline looked like she wanted to kill her. What the hell did she think was going to happen. And if you don’t want people to find out about your shady past then don’t go on a reality show because if it wasn’t the Manzo sisters it would have been someone else. Dah…
    I liked how she was trying to prove that she was a real model by conviently finding some pictures and showing them to her daughters of her modeling days. Gag.
    I love Dina and her daughter. Too funny

  3. I was loving the whole episode, just chomping at the bit for the fight. There was so much inappropriateness at that table before the argument, and then, right after Danielle placed the book on the table, MY SATELLITE WENT OUT!!!!!!!! And let me tell you something about the satellite signal going out right before a huge Housewives blowup: it totally pisses me off!
    B-Side, thanks so much for the recap and photocap, it was awesome and hilarious!

  4. Ha ha ha ha! I was clapping and yelling when Caroline finally said “let me tell you something about my family….” too! It was the best episode in Housewives history, I gotta agree.
    Still giggling – love your recaps.

  5. B-side you’re the best! That was hilarious! I also felt like overheated there was so much awesomeness going on I didn’t know what to do with myself.
    This definetely made up for the boring season we had to endure. I already talked about in the forums but this episode got me excited!
    What a way to go!
    Those woman are crazy, Caroline lost me a little and I believe you are correct her parents are dead, so yeah real mature there Caroline! I still liked her swagger when she said, I think I’m a little afraid of Caroline.
    The picture of Jackeline about strangling her daughter captured perfectly the utter embarrassment those poor men at that table were felling.
    Yay for Director’s cut episode! IloveFordPrefect the reunion will be a two part deal and I bet it will be awesome!!

  6. Up until last night my favorite Jersey-fight-scene was the one between Bobby & Tony during a drunk Monopoly game when they nearly kill each other.
    But this one was much better. Carmela, I mean Caroline let down her facade and showed us why she is the Mama Bear of the Clan.
    Danielle is a whore and I am flipping my mouse pad as I type this.!
    hb

  7. Teresa’s meltdown was understandable. I’m not pro-flipping tables and acting like a general fool, but Danielle had a lot of nerve ruining her dinner party. I would have kicked her ass for that.
    I don’t get people like Danielle. She is pathetic. Obviously, you aren’t popular with this crowd. Move on and make new friends who like you. You aren’t going to change their opinions of you. Say “buh bye”, leave and don’t look back. Have some dignity.
    One thing maybe someone can clear up? So, Caroline, Dina, and Teresa are sisters? And Jaqueline’s husband is their brother? Is this right? I guess I’m not sure if Teresa is a Manzo, or if her husband Juicy is.
    And I totally want Dina’s dress. God, was that cute!

  8. This was the best Real Housewives episode EVER!
    This is my analysis on the episode:
    I do believe that Dina spread the rumor and Caroline was just trying to protect her. Jacqueline had said something about how Dina had came to her and showed her the book on her computer and was saying “look what i found”. Jacqueline also said she only wanted to tell the truth because she did not want to see Caroline take the blame for Dina. This makes me believe that Dina did in fact spread the rumors. She probably let her sister take the blame for her since she has been insisting since the beginning of the season that it was not her who spread the rumors and she didn’t want to admit it towards the end so she wouldn’t look like a liar. So she just admitted to being there when the rumors were being spread.
    Now that being said. I STILL like the Manzo sisters better than Danielle and her busted face. Sure they spread rumors and lie sometimes but hey who doesn’t every once in a while. We all like a good gossip. Danielle on the other hand has a criminal past and is a big time whore. Sooo yeah. Theresa went crazy for absolutely no reason. Jacqueline is at least honest and pretty sane and her husband is the only one that said anything that made sense this episode.
    Woooo. I feel better getting that off my chest. My real (totally not fake) chest.

  9. I think Theresa went crazy because Danielle implied she was stupid with her “Pay Attention!” comment. Theresa said something about how she’s not an airhead, and that’s what she meant about being disrespected… It seemed like Danielle hit on a touchy subject (since Theresa does seem a little like an airhead…)

  10. First of all, I live a mere mile or so from Lu Nello and have always thought it looked like a total Guido spot. It’s in Little Falls, NJ in the middle of a neighborhood. Totally random. But now, needless to say, I totally have to go there. And I can barely wait!
    I have to admit, all the women looked terrible in this episode, save Jacqueline. When Danielle took the book out, I thought she would get what she deserved for doing so. However, I do think she had a right to clear the air. I mean, who are we kidding? This was not “Theresa’s Party”, it was Bravo’s and it was already totally awkward. Blatant sex talk with children in the room? HELLO. Classy move, T. And as much as I get a kick out of Dina, I think that she totally spread the rumors and that Caroline stepped in to take the blame thinking Danielle would then back down. When she didn’t, the sisters got into a mess of their own making. I was really disappointed in them. And when they basically demanded that Jacqueline follow the party line, I was proud that she defended herself and told the truth. And I do think it was more about her own honor than Danielle’s at that point. Her husband was great, by the way.
    Oh, and I am kind of shocked that no one called T’s outburst for what it was: a blatant grab for attention and camera time. At that point, the argument had nothing to with her. But she chose to get right back in it, get testy, and then made a total ass of herself.
    But yea: BEST FINALE EVER.

  11. I loved this episode!
    I first of all couldn’t believe that Theresa was telling everybody about her husband’s sex drive (yes, this all could be said in front of the kids, but when it came to “THE BOOK” they children had to leave…nice). I also thought it was funny that Danielle just couldn’t understand why Theresa didn’t want to have sex right after her surgery….”you didn’t have surgery down THERE, Theresa”…too funny! She just couldn’t understand what the problem could have been.
    Second, after Danielle disrespects Theresa and tells her to pay attention, she keeps on sucking down the free champagne that Teresa’s husband is supposedly paying for! What a classy gal. I probably would have thrown a table at her too.
    Third, what an awesome twist! Caroline insists that Danielle look at her and tells her SHE was the one spreading the rumors! I died. I love Caroline and Dina, and this was the cherry on top.
    Best episode EVER! What the heck can they do to top it?

  12. Teresa lost it because one of her guests hi-jacked the event for her own purposes, stirred up a fight, then implied Teresa was stupid. Who wouldn’t get a little upset? In real life, that’s where the host says, “I’m sorry, but I’m going to have to ask you to leave.”
    Also, as Teresa’s party, I think Caroline was out of line to decide who was allowed to speak and when. But I if it was really Bravo’s party instead, I suppose it was Caroline’s job to referee.
    Danielle is pathetic. There’s a book out there that says things she doesn’t like. Why doesn’t she direct her anger toward the book’s author?

  13. Am I the only one that thinks Jacqueline was just as bad as the others last night? She comes off as this hero for standing up for what she believes but blood is thicker than water and she should have never screamed at her sister in laws like that. Maybe it’s because I come from a very close Italian family but I feel like she was out of line and those Manzo girls are not going to forget that!!
    I can’t believe I care this much. Can’t wait for the director’s cut and reunion!!

  14. I’m sorry, but this show should be called Real Mean Girls of New Jersey. Those Manzo sisters [and Teresa] ganged up on Danielle and began spreading rumors from the beginning. Danielle is no angel, but no one deserves that. Those girls are bored and they need a scapegoat, which is what Danielle basically was throughout the series.

  15. I just moved and dont have cable (last 2 weeks :() and Bravo does not have this full episode. Does anyone know where I can watch it?
    I loved your recap (as always B-Side) but I need to watch the drama unfold. This looks like it is going to make the RHONYC reunion show seem like Meet the Press!

  16. This comment is for Jill Zarin.
    Jill, S-T-F-U!
    You are unbelievable! Unbelievable!
    Have you ever walked a day in Danielle’s shoes??? Do you really know her to make such “conclusive” statements about her??? Have you ever had to wonder where your next meal would come from Jill? How you would pay for your rent or mortgage? If Bobby was not in your life, where would you be Jill??? Where would any of you women be without your husbands or family? Are you not divorced Jill??? Is Bobby not your second husband??? Please!!! The audacity!
    I think Danielle rocks and I think she has the biggest and baddest balls that you could only wish you had and against all odds, Danielle managed to turn her life around and become an awesome mother to those precious and might I add, cutest and most well behaved girls of the entire Housewives franchise. I think Danielle showed tremendous guts and courage to walk into the lion’s den and face those cowardly women at that dinner!
    Those women spent so much time talking about Danielle and her past. Danielle had every right to confront them head on, without pre-conditions!
    Danielle has gone through some difficult times in her life and she is the total sum of those experiences. We all don’t have the same kind of background’s and support system Jill so never imagine your truth is everyone’s truth. Never imagine that your experiences are universal. We are all not the same and if we were, life on earth would be so dull.
    Please show some respect and understanding towards Danielle and other women who may be in a similar situation.
    Deep down, I think Danielle is actually really sweet and vulnerable. I think she wants to be loved, just like everyone else. So what if she wants a rich husband? Hello?? Look at yourself!!! Don’t act like such a jerk! Try to understand where she is coming from.
    Laters.

  17. I was raised Italian, we had a saying about family dinners. Someones gonna get in to a fight someones gonna cry and someones gonna get slapped. This looked pretty normal to me.

  18. Noone is commenting about Danielles girls and them being caught in the crossfire of, and I use this term loosely, “Grown Up” drama.
    They look mortified and scared. Scared because there were all of these people screaming at their Mom and calling her names that no child should ever here in reference to their mom.
    Theresa was drunk and lost it! End of story there..and it wasnt the 1st time, her husband seemed all too familiar with calming her drunk ass down and ending it with a kiss and a giggle, really WTF???
    Danielle should have NEVER brought her girls to this party…..EVER. She knew what was going to be discussed because she was leading the charge. Her claims of Openess, Honesty, being Besties and all of the BS she throws out about her Girls is just that, BS. They are kids, they dont have what it takes yet to handle this stuff, and they shouldnt have to.
    I felt so bad for them I cant get passed it to throughly enjoy what happened on this episode…..You know those kids are thinking, Why cant my mom be like everybody elses mom.

  19. Either I’m an idiot or Team Danielle isn’t making any sense. Where’s Jill Zarin? Did she make a comment that disappeared? Also, Team Danielle, chill out.

  20. to derder:
    Caroline and Dina are sisters, Jacqueline is their brother, Chris’, wife. I don’t believe Teresa is related by blood or marriage…she looks more related to a cave-man with that hairline.

  21. The finale was amazing. There were too many good moments.
    After Teresa’s outburst, her hubby looked like he was protecting his investment (bubbies) when he held her back.
    Still loving the Manzo sisters, and can’t stand Danielle. I don’t believe a word out of her mouth.
    Indychick, like you I was raised in an Italian household. Our dinners were loud and colorful, and though we haven’t flipped any tables (yet) we are emotional.
    Can’t wait for the director’s cut tonight.

  22. Ok, after seeing the “director’s cut,” I revise my opinion. Danielle is nuts! I love the way she criticized the Manzos for putting her down “in front of her girls” at the dinner. Danielle is the one who insisted they stay in the room! But what altered my view of this nut the most was when she made the snotty comment about linoleum floors. Oh, the horror!
    Bottom line, Danielle needs to get a job so she has less time to worry about what they’re saying about her at CHATEAU: THE ART OF BEAUTY.

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