From the moment we saw the triumphant return of Dr. JORDANA MANSBACHER on last night’s episode of The Hills, I knew we’d be in for a treat. It’s not to say the episode was anything wonderful, but it certainly was hilarious. I guess we can thank the twin psychos of Heidi and Jayde for keeping things interesting. First we had Heidi scheming to get preggers (against Dr. Mansbacher’s advice, I should note) by threatening to go off birth control without Spencer’s knowledge. It surely was a very Lady Macbeth move on her part (not to discredit Lady McB), and of course anyone who caught wind of this plan shook their head with incredulity. Doesn’t she know tricking a spouse into having a child is the sort of resentment-fueling incident that causes a drunken, Edward Albee-esque meltdown twenty-years down the line? Clearly not. And look at me with two theater references in the first paragraph. I suppose that’s what happens when one discusses the Heidi chronicles. SNAP!
Anyway, in an effort to court Spencer’s sperm, Heidi made her hubby a large, maternal pasta dinner that was sure to get him in the mood. Before digging in, however, she was sure to say grace, thanking God for their house, the food on the table, and, of course, her outfit. Once again, Heidi’s introspection shows no bounds.
As ridiculous as Heidi is, however, at least she seems like a nice, albeit clueless and vapid, person. Jayde, on the other hand, seems truly neurotic. First of all, I don’t care what anyone says — anyone who’s had that much surgery and posed nude in a magazine by 23 clearly has some issues to work out. It’s all within her right to do so, and hey, she’s got a great body and all, but let’s not beat around the bush, as it were. The girl is one maple leaf short of a Canadian flag (forced, but I’ll go with it). This week saw her shockingly not wasted off JÃ¤germeister and assaulting people, but that didn’t make her any less unhinged. She invited Kristin to a restaurant for drinks in an effort to “talk” about things. What this devolved into was an angry feline marking her territory by repeatedly asking Kristin to just IMAGINE what “it” (ie. seeing Kristin at a club with Brody — and many others — last week) looked like to her. Of course, if Jayde weren’t governed by a deep seeded insecurity and a penchant for drama, she would probably put faith into her wayward boyfriend and trust that he wasn’t boinking Ms. Cavallari. However, Jayde doesn’t work that way, and instead she accused Kristin of being a man stealer, as evidenced by her swift work with the show’s resident gutter dweller, Justin Bobby.
This pissed off Kristin to no avail, and she finally just looked Jayde squarely in the eyes and declared that she was a bitch. It was kind of awesome. This is why we love Kristin. Too bad the cast around her is so insufferable.
Nevertheless, despite the warnings of Kristin and his sidekicks, Brody decided to get back together with Jayde. It didn’t really make sense. After all, if Brody wants to bang a Playmate, he could have his pick of the litter (it’s not like any of them would reject his fame out of respect to their comrade, Jayde). And yet despite that, he still returns to Jayde. Shameful. And no one will probably be more hurt than Frankie, who complained that his Master just wasn’t the same when he was dating Jayde. Aw, poor sidekick — feeling the harsh sting of neglect. Does this mean Frankie might start moving out on his own? If there’s anything we’ve learned from this show and Laguna Beach and Sorority Life, it’s that when sidekicks try to make a name for themselves, shit goes DOWN. Crossing fingers!
In the meantime, here’s the photocap:
“Cheers, Brody, to you finally being done with that psycho bitch Jayde.”
“I’m so glaaad that she’s out of maah laaaaafe. Bitch took maah raaayzor.”
“So I was thinking I could go off birth control and trick Spencer into making me pregnant. A trick baby! Isn’t that fun? We could call him Tricky! And he could be raised in a household of distrust and resentment!”
“Heidi, this is a terrible idea. Do NOT go through with it. This is the worst thing you could possibly do.”
“Sooooo… it’s a great idea, I should go through with it, and it’s the best thing I could possibly do. Great!”
Jayde: “I’m going to cut to the chase: I want you oat of Brody’s life. OAT!”
“And if you don’t get oat of Brody’s life, I will stab you with the shards of my old Bryan Adams CDs. What do you think aboat that, eh?”
“I think you are a psycho bitch who’s had too much plastic surgery.”
“So just because I’m possessive, I scream, I make drama, I stalk people, I stab people, I send bitches dead fishes in the mail, I sometimes kill those who are weaker, I keep Brody’s man-juices in a vial around my neck — that makes me psycho? Get oat of here, eh?”
Audrina: “Do you like my vest? I made it from an old beekeeper’s outfit I found in the basement.”
“Guess what? I’m gonna have a trick baby with Spencer, and then he’ll realize how much he wants one!!!!”
“Um, didn’t you once have a pregnancy scare with him before? And wasn’t he NOT cool about it?”
“Yeah, that was the best, wasn’t it???”
“Oh my gosh. This is the craziest thing I’ve heard since my agent told me to do Sorority Row.“
“Jayde, what would you laaaahhke to say to me about our relaaaaaytionship?”
“WELL, even though you’ve called me psycho and insulted me several times and been a total dick to me, I still think we should get back together because — let’s face it — you’re famous, and I’m hot. C’mon, we’ll be like Celine and RenÃ©, eh?”
“Do you like this meal? Some might say it’s the MOTHER of all meals. Like, whoa BABY, I certainly seemed quite FERTILE with culinary ideas. Please say something. I would hate for there to be a PREGNANT pause. Oh no, I forgot to put the BUNS IN THE OVEN.”
“Are you up to something? I can always tell when you’re plotting because my eyes get closer together.”
“Seriously, I look like I could be a character from Cathy.”
“Are you ready for dessert? It’s vagina Ã la mode.”
“So you’re getting back with Jayde? You know that she’s psycho, right?”
“True, but I am an idiot; so anything goes!”
“OMG, these boys are stressing me out! We have to get away… because lord knows this beautiful house on the beach in Malibu — located a good 45 minutes (with no traffic) away from EVERYONE in Hollywood — simply isn’t enough of an escape!”
What did you think about this episode?