I think we can all agree on one thing. This latest episode of The Real Housewives of Orange County was the best episode of the season. We're talking epic, awesome, intense, shocking, GREAT. Overall, it's been a solid season with some compelling stories, but we've been missing that awkward "it" factor that last year's Gretchen-and-Lynne vs. Tamra-and-Vicki feud provided week in and week out. Finally it happened, and somehow, by the end of the show, Vicki and Donn emerged as the unlikely heroes of not just the hour, but the entire season. How did this happen? How did Vicki go from monster to... lovable monster? I'd like to think that she saw the way she acted last year and vowed to change her behavior. Little asides about wanting to be "nicer" seem to support that. I mean, she's still crazy, but at least she's crazy and growing.
Same can't be said for Tamra, who continues to be a gentle mix of brash, tacky, shallow, and weak. Shame on Simon for also making us sympathetic to her. The passive-aggressive husband is such a control freak that he can't deal with what he perceives to be an interloper to his marriage. In this case, that interloper would be Vicki, who's not so much an intruder as she is merely a friend. Of course, having Tamra and Vicki spend some time apart isn't necessarily a bad thing. The two bring out the worst in each other, but unlike Simon's assessment, I don't think it's Vicki that's the source of the awfulness. It's clearly on Tamra's shoulders. Nevertheless, watching the two take quiet swipes at each other (which is nothing new) is a bit painful, and it's clear that this is not the product of Vicki's meddling. It's the result of Simon being a jerk. Of course, rather than endure a moment of introspection, Simon instead plays mind games with Tamra, making her believe it's an us vs. them situation. Case in point: at Lynne's disastrous dinner party, Simon threatened to march out unless Tamra took his side in an argument with Vicki. Immaturity at its height (both for his reaction and that there was a fight in the first place). After hectoring his wife until she was in tears, Tamra finally emerged pro-Simon, happily throwing her "friend" under the bus later after Vicki and Donn excused themselves from the increasingly tense dinner (an impossibly boring story by Alexis didn't help matters either).
Speaking of Alexis, she continues to cluck away about nothing particularly interesting while her husband Jim sits back and pleasantly condescends to her, pontificating about various inconsequential things (says me, the blogger) and calling flamingos "swans." The two continue to bother me in a deeper way than any of the couples on the show, and I suspect it's because their lovey-dovey marriage appears to be built on an inequity that will eventually lead to much acrimony down the line. Or maybe it won't. Either way, it's like watching Don and Betty Draper, but without the insightful thoughtfulness (or prettiness).
As for Lynne and Gretchen, they were mostly on the sidelines this week. Gretchen continued to build her very classy makeup line, titled Gretchen Christine Beauté, which proved to be a rather unremarkable journey of entrepreneurship. There were some slightly testy moments as Vicki grilled her about how much money Slade earns and whether he even has a job (his occupation, it turns out, is to DO Gretchen), but aside from that, I couldn't muster much interest in this thread.
Lynne meanwhile was just doing her daffy Lynne thing. She and Frank held the aforementioned housewarming party, which could have also served as a Bon Voyage soirée as they were handed an eviction notice the very next morning. We don't know the story behind that as Bravo conveniently left us with a cliffhanger, but I'm sure all will be revealed on Thursday when it looks like yet another fight will break out, this time between Vicki and Alexis. Can't wait...
"I can't bear to look! I'm melting all your equipment with my HOTNESS, aren't I? Aren't I??"
Does that say Sondra? Who's Sondra?"
"From now on, I'm going to add an 'é' to the end of every possible word. Yay!!...é."
Alexis: "Wow, it really is true what they say. Being a mommy with two nannies for three kids really IS a full time job! Thank goodness for this vacay!"
Alexis: "Oh my God, Jim! I just noticed your shirt! Super sexy!"
"Jesus himself picked it out for me."
Alexis: "I wore this old table cloth just for you!"
"My lovely wife, you're more beautiful than those crazy pink swans out back."
"Are we driving to Bass Lake?"
"Is my hair okay? I thought maybe I might have melted my motorcycle helmet into my hair, on account of me being the HOT housewife! Never wanna get a case of HOT HELMET."
"Why did you get this? I never said you could get this. I want you to apologize to me. On Facebook."
"Even though I never approved your trashy tattoo, I'm gonna kiss it anyway to show that I'm willing to get your bloody tat-finger juices in my mouth."
"Cheers to a classy dinner party full of petty squabbling and cheeseburgers!"
Lynne: "See, it's really important to work your abs whenever possible. That way you can look your best and give your daughters the greatest gift of all: body issues."
"Lynne, do you ever imagine what it would be like if the sun had arms? And then do you think about what it would feel like if the sun draped its sun arm around your neck? I bet that's what you're feeling right now, but guess what? It's not the sun in arm form. It's me, and my HOT ARM. Fooled ya!"
Tamra: "Is everything good?"
Vicki: "I can get past it."
Simon: "Me too. As long as she quits butting into our business."
"Excuse me. Don't talk to me about business. I HAVE A JOB. I KNOW WHAT BUSINESS IS!"
Vicki: "I'm not interfering with your marriage. I could care less."
Tamra: "It's just that--"
"I don't care."
"But we're--"
"I don't care."
"How can you be so cold when I'm so HOT???"
Tamra: "Both of you need to just chill out, which of course can't happen here on account of my HOTNESS being too HOT for anything to be chilled."
"Honey, I'm not controlling. But just know that no one loves you the way I love you, and when you don't do what I say, that shows me that you don't love me back. Now is that fair?"
"I mean, I couldn't be farther from controlling. You shouldn't listen to people who say that. You should only listen to me. Because I'll tell you the truth. No one else will. And if you don't listen to me and the truth, you might as well just kill yourself."
"It's silly that you would think I'm controlling. I give you options in life. But just know that if you pick the option I don't like, I won't love you. And when I stop loving you, you'll have nothing. But hey, your choice!"
"I laugh when I think of people who say I'm controlling. You who says those things? People who don't have your best interest in mind. I, however, DO think of your best interest. And your best interest is to do what I say. But hey, if you don't want to do that, that's fine. Go enjoy a terrible, terrible life. It's your choice. I'm not controlling what you do."
Alexis: "I love my husband."
"What about my age inappropriate hoodie shirt?"
"I love that too!"
"And what about a career?"
"I love careers!"
"No, you should hate them."
"I hate careers!"
Alexis: "You know, that's rude of you to pretend to fall asleep during my story about the time when I met Jim, and how I was sitting in the lobby, and there was this wonderful ceiling fan that I adored; so I went over to this girl who had this very cool pair of earrings on -- not too big, but not too small either. You know what I'm talking about? Sort of diamond shaped but with round edges. What do you call that? I love them. ANYWAY..."
"I'll tell you one thing: my ANTI-love tank certainly is full."
"It just makes me sad, Donn... It makes me sad that I'm the only NORMAL ONE. I mean, what's up with that???"
"Letter from Andy Cohen. He says if you keep sending him your art, he'll make you the jackhole of the week."
I'm sure I've left a huge amount of things out since it aired four and a half days ago. What did you think about the episode? What should Tamra do?
Leave a comment. I IMPLORE YOU.
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