How crazy have things gotten on The Real Housewives of New York City? Well, let’s put it this way. A ridiculous, turbulent fight involving at least three women and resulting in one of them storming out of a party didn’t even make it into the show promos because such imbroglios are practically commonplace now. Yes, in an episode that I assumed would center around Ramona’s crazy catwalk eyes, we were given a surprise fight that was so silly and unnecessary, I had a hard time believing these women hadn’t already been locked up in a loony bin. To be fair, the instigator was Ramona, who is not perhaps the best example of mental soundness. It all started when she arrived at some event involving Jill and Kodak. Rather than let Jill enjoy her night, Ramona decided to chime in with her CNBC business analysis of Kodak, saying they were a company in decline and as such, Jill should be wary of partnering with them. A normal human being would have nodded politely at this strange nugget of advice and then moved on, but Jill is not a normal person. She’s — how do I put this lightly? — a pitbull. In some ways it’s admirable, but often times, it’s just garish. I’m not sure where this incident fell on that spectrum, but needless to say, Jill was having none of this silliness. She snapped at Ramona — who clearly has the business foresight of a Sloan grad — and ultimately demanded that the Tru Renewal skincare czar leave the premises at once. Jill then stormed off, leaving a googly-eyed Ramona to stand there and sort of smile at the absurdity of the request (which, I must remind you, was a response to the absurdity of Ramona’s accusation). Absurdity begets absurdity on the Housewives, and soon Kelly picked up the reins of the fight, accusing Ramona of threatening Jill’s all-important Kodak endorsement. The bickering bubbled over, coming to a head just as Jill was up on a stage, relishing her big moment. Somewhere in the mix, I believe LuAnn fanned the flames, and eventually, Ramona told Kelly that she had no brains and then stormed out of the party. And then the episode ended.
What the hey just happened??

I can’t even begin to understand the Kodak melee, nor can I understand why anyone would pooh-pooh an endorsement from Kodak (a company that may be on the decline but still could chew up and spit out each one of these housewives ten times over), but I guess in Housewives world, anything can happen. Case in point: that three women of a certain age would be allowed to sashay — or in some cases, stomp like Nazis — down a runway at a fashion show. I’m not sure too many designers would love the idea of a bug-eyed robot (Ramona), a gangly beanstalk (Alex), or a lopsided boob monster (Kelly) representing their look. Not even She By Sherayay would go there. I suppose all bets are off though at Brooklyn Fashion Weekend, which may or may not have been staged in the gymnasium of François and Johan’s pre-school. It’s a sad state of affairs when you’re pining for the class and sophistication of Laguna Beach’s landslide fashion fundraiser. To be honest, I was kind of hoping Brooklyn Fashion Weekend would take a page from the Tyra Banks school of fashion lunacy and force the housewives to strut their stuff down the runway while avoiding giant, swinging pendulums (yes, that was an actual challenge from this season of America’s Next Top Model. And yes, that may have been the moment when I signed off on the show forever). Could you even imagine? Ramona getting socked in the face by a pendulum? Then again, she was rocking such a stony, hard expression that I have no doubt any wayward pendulum would have shattered on the spot, leaving Ramona to mutter backstage “That pendulum was déclassé. Sorry! It was!”
Okay, now that I’ve veered into some bizarre scenario where Ramona gets bonked in the face by a pendulum on a catwalk, I think it’s time I shut up and get on with the photos:

“Could you believe it? My father didn’t want to see me. Maybe it’s because my new book is called The Skinny Girl’s Guide To Having An ASSHOLE FATHER.”

“Jill, my comments to Bethenny were pure PR 102. When someone attacks you, respond with a compliment. In other news, why do people think I’m fake?”

“Anyone want this snake? I just had SEX with it.”

“If Alex found out I was dating a Jewish guy, he would FLIP out — you know, on account of his raging anti-Semitism.”
“What? I didn’t know that.”
“Oh yes. He really hates the Jews. I mean, not all Jews. He had some fleeting tolerance for you, my love. It’s sort of surprising considering that you’re so Jewy McJewsalot [haughty Countess laugh].”

Kelly: “If you’d stop interrupting me, I could make my point.”
Jill: “Okay, fine. Speak. Tell me what you want to say.”
“Okay, fine. I just wanted to tell you… HIIEEEEEE!!!!”

Ramona: “I just want to let you know that Kodak is a failing company, and you should never associate your brand with it. Brooklyn Fashion Weekend, however — that’s a real keeper.”

“You’d think I wouldn’t be so confused considering I wrote The Skinny Girl’s Guide To Peeing on a Plastic Thingy.”

“Oh my God. I’m pregnant. And no one cares! Except you, Cookie.”
Cookie: “Nope. I don’t care. Woof!”

Ramona: “I don’t know what you’re saying. You make no sense. You’re senseless. Sorry, you’re senseless. I mean, I’m just being honest. I think it comes from me being renewed. I’m renewed, you know. I cut my hair too. Did you see I cut my hair? I look like Cameron Diaz now, but a RENEWED Cameron Diaz. It’s very, I don’t know, LIBERATING. So my point is really that coming from this new place in my life, I can see you’re totally brainless. You have no brain. Sorry! Everyone says it.”
“I love your hair!”
“PR 102.”

“Look at me. I’m egg yolk chic!”

“Bethenny wrote me a very nice letter. You should see the lovely things she said.”
“Well, she didn’t write ME a letter.”
“I’m sorry, did you have CANCER too?”

“Oh here’s a sassy number I don’t need anymore. I wore it this one time when Bernard Kerik and I totally DID IT behind Gracie Mansion. You can get out the grass stains, right?”

“I’m so looking forward to having you walk in my fashion show. Just as long as you don’t do anything crazy like scowl or go bug-eyed. Hahahaha. But WHO would do THAT?”

“Sashay, déclassé. Sashay, déclassé.”

“I look like an angry penis!”

“Jill, are you really leaving me alone with Crazy Eyes Ramona over here? My love, you can’t abandon me. Not at a Kodak event. NEVER at a Kodak event!!”

Sonja: “Max? Oh yes. I discovered him when he was a tourist. He stepped off that bus, and within seconds he had me bare-breasted on the Chelsea Pier. Good lay, that one.”

Sonja: “The thing about Max is that he has this wonderful kitchen that’s just so lovely and well-appointed.”
Kelly: “I know. We hooked up.”
“And he keeps his closet so well organized.”
“Yes. I know. We hooked up.”
“And he has the most peculiar mole on his backside. I find it rather endearing.”

“KaDOOS to me for taking a stand against Kodak!”

What did you think about this episode? Who is the craziest lady on this show?

9 replies on “REAL HOUSEWIVES PHOTOCAP: Giving Us An Eyeful”

  1. “Oh here’s a sassy number I don’t need anymore. I wore it this one time when Bernard Kerik and I totally DID IT behind Gracie Mansion. You can get out the grass stains, right?”
    Aren’t you worried that Caroline will come after you for that caption? I love it!

  2. anyone else notice that the new housewife continually kept staring at the camera? As if she wanted to make sure she was giving the camera her best angle…

  3. That first pic should have lasers coming out of her eyes. I guess she never listened when her mom told her not to make that face or it would stick that way…

  4. “I look like an angry penis!” .. dead ON! hahaha. Love your photocaps, I never want them to end! I love that I can totally hear Romona’s voice when you do her “You’re senseless. Sorry, you’re senseless. I mean, I’m just being honest.”… absolutely hilarious. I mean, I’m just being honest, sorry!

  5. I caught the Sloan diss – was that directed at anyone in particular 🙂 Also, Sonja bears a striking resemblance to Glenn Close ca. 1988 (Fatal Attraction days)…what does this mean for all the men in her life??

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