I haven’t done a photocap for The Amazing Race in weeks, but I thought with the finale last night, why not write something up. Stuck with just the cowboys, the brothers, and Miss South California & Co., the hour basically hinged on one thing: make sure that spoiled brat Caite didn’t win. She and her boyfriend Brent (who alleges to be a model, but whose work I can’t imagine extends beyond a Pennysaver ad) have been totally insufferable the entire race, often bickering endlessly and grossly overusing the word “babe,” (often the trademark of the worst teams). Plus, if you’re like me and enjoyed the awfulness of the lesbians, you’re also resentful of the fact that they used the U-Turn on them a few legs ago (but to be fair, that’s just part of the game). Nevertheless, as long as Brent and Caite’s reign of terror came to an embarrassing end, I’d be happy.
Oh, yeah. And as long as those gay brothers didn’t win, that would be nice too.
So basically all I wanted was for the cowboys to win. I would have been okay with Dan and Jordan, I suppose, but their bitch move of cutting Jet and Cord at the Shanghai airport really rubbed me the wrong way. Plus, after a season of uttering the word “BRO” at each other in a non-ironic way, I was ready to be done with these clowns. They were never terribly entertaining nor were they likable. Jordan attempted to be the lovable gay, but his jokes and quips felt forced and deliberate. At least he put on more of a show than Dan, who moped around like a sourpuss for most of the journey. To their credit, their brotherly love was enjoyable. To their detriment, their voices were a bit on the grating side. When I watched the show a few weeks ago with my mother, she — in between bouts of head-bobbing slumber — turned to me and asked, “Why are their voices like that.”
“That’s just the way their accents are,” I explained. Two seconds later, my mom was back asleep.
Anyway, when Dan wasn’t busy yelling “BRO!” or looking exasperated with the world in general, he was reminding us time and time again that he loved sports. I suppose this was his way of expressing how non-gay he was (even though at times he often sounded more light in the loafers than RuPaul on a runway). But hey, that’s probably just a function of his Rhode Island accent, and even if he does sound gay, that’s alright. We are an open and accepting viewership, BRO.
More entertaining were the cowboys who treated every obstacle and challenge with a mixture of can-do positivity and wily determination. Together they were wildly entertaining all season and a joy to watch. Plus, just because they talked like hayseeds didn’t mean they were idiots. The guys bucked the stereotypes and proved themselves to be quite sharp (and why not? Just because you’re from a farm doesn’t mean you’re an idiot). However, of the two, Jet seemed to be a tad brighter than his brother, which was too bad because in the critical Jedi challenge of this episode (one of the most amusing and interesting challenges of all time, no less), Cord wasted a huge amount of time trying to figure out the final word puzzle. All he needed to do was have Jet spin around in circles so he could read the clue, but he instead was stumped. This was particularly frustrating given that the cowboys had just witnessed Jordan spinning around for minutes on end. You’d think they’d realize that they’d have to follow suit.
Of course, this was only the second most frustrating part of the challenge. The first came when Jordan unintentionally impeded Jet’s path in the virtual world. All Jet needed to do was take a few steps forward, but alas, the spinning brother was in his way. Jet acted as if he’d reached the precipice of a cliff, but in fact, he could have either moved right into Jordan’s space or pushed the guy out of the way altogether. Sure, it may have been a little dirty, but the payback would have been divine after Jordan and Dan weaseled their way into second position in the Shanghai airport. I tell you — after that, there was no way I was rooting for those two jerks.
But alas, this is The Amazing Race. Good rarely wins over evil. While Jet and Cord got stuck at Industrial Light & Magic, Dan and Jordan easily advanced to the next stop (a tiki bar called Tonga) and then onto a venue called “The Great American Music Hall where they were greeted with the typical finale puzzle. Being the smart Amazing Race viewer that he was, Jordan had already written down the order of the team eliminations, and as a result, this final challenge, which is often meant to tighten the gap between the final teams, was a bit of a bust. The BROS moved along easily, and in an attempt to generate suspense, the producers did the typical “Oh no! Where are the taxis?” gambit.
Meanwhile, Jet and Cord took so long in the virtual world that Brent and Caite were able to catch up to them. Luckily, their idiocy did them in, and when they had to turn back after losing their money and belongings, it was clear they’d no longer be a factor (in fact, they disappeared from the episode entirely at that point). Jet and Cord, however, headed onwards and were portrayed to have breezed through the final puzzle, but we don’t know in reality how quickly they completed it. We then were stuck with the obligatory traffic montage — the bros getting stuck, the cowboys breezing along — but in the end, it was obvious who the winners would be: Jordan and Dan. Sure enough, they waltzed to the finish line in Candlestick Park where they took First Place in one of the more forgettable finishes of all time.
The cowboys arrived second, and then in third place were Brent and Caite, who were greeted warmly by everyone except Carol and Brandy, the latter of whom was still bitter about being U-Turned. Bitch gotta let go. It certainly sucked, but hey, it’s part of the game. Nevertheless, Caite took the stage and immediately entered pageant mode, no longer speaking like the spoiled nincompoop that she is and instead delivering a polite monologue about how she always wanted to prove to people that she’s actually intelligent (massive FAIL on that front, by the by). Phil then asked her about the lesbians, and as Caite turned to deliver an insincere apology, Brandy cut her off, accusing her of playing dirty and being mean. Carol, meanwhile, looked like she wanted to crawl into a corner and listen to Melissa Etheridge songs on repeat. She seemed most embarrassed by her partner, especially when Brandy announced that she would NOT congratulate young Caite. While it was fun to watch this showdown, it did feel rather classless, and that’s why it was somewhat awesome when Caite finally put down her nemesis. When Brandy claimed that Caite couldn’t handle her harsh words, the beauty queen replied, “Obviously I’m the one standing here and not you.” OUCH. Nothing hurts more than getting BURNED by an idiot.
Nevertheless, another season is done. Overall I enjoyed it. Many of the challenges and destinations were quite fun with a few breathtaking episodes thrown in to boot. Now it’s time to wait four months for the next installment. In the meantime, here are pics:
“I hope this is the last leg. I have a major modeling gig when I get home. It’s for D&G, which, as we all know, stands for the Donaldson & Gorman bait and tackle shop. Gonna be awesome.”
Caite: “Oooh! A map! I’m really good with these. Now, if I’m not mistaken, this is Vietnam.”
Brent: “I have to pee.”
Caite: “Suck it up.”
“Suck up my pee? That’s gross.”
“Shewt! There’s the sky! I didn’t know it was up there!”
“BRO, there’s a big square on the floor. Am I supposed to do gymnastics? BRO, what do I do?”
“BRO, I’m in some sort of Virtual BRO-ALITY world. What do I do?”
“Just calm down, BRO.”
“BRO, I’m, like, in Star Wars. Where’s C3P-BRO?”
“BRO, there are all sorts of words on the screen.”
“Is one of the words ‘BRO?'”
“Then what do you want me to do about it, BRO?”
“I don’t know, BRO.”
“Me either, BRO.”
Jet: “Oh my gravy. I can’t step forward! I’m fixin’ to start movin’, but I cain’t! I guess I’ll just stand here and not win a million dollars.”
Storm Trooper: “Why doesn’t Jet just push Jordan out of the way?”
R2D2: “Beep boop beep. Pussy.”
Jet: “Hey there.”
“Hey, BRO. Wait, you’re not my BRO.”
Dan: “Did you just call someone else BRO???”
“I didn’t mean to, BRO!”
“You’ve really done it this time, BRO!”
“I’m sorry, BRO!”
“I’m gonna punch you in the BRO, BRO!”
“Don’t be a BRO-HOLE, BRO!”
“Wait a second, AM I IN SPACE??”
“Why do I have to do this? I hate this. This is stupid.”
Brent: “Babe, just try your best.”
“I HATE YOU! YOU’RE STUPID! THIS IS STUPID!!! I WANNA GO BACK TO EARTH.”
“DANGIT! I knew we shouldn’t have brought along a whole trunk of extra cowboy hats!”
“Thank God the producers gave us this totally pointless challenge!”
“As soon as I read the clue, I knew we were going to Candlestick Park, on account of me being such a sports fan. WHICH I AM.”
“BRO! We totally won the BROMAZING RACE!”
“Look at me: a non-gay sports fan here in San Francisco, a city where I most certainly do NOT fit in, on account of being a sports fan, WHICH I AM.”
“Well, we didn’t win first place, but that’s okay. Let’s get some bitches and paaaartay, yeeeehaw!!!”
Brandy: “I hate that Caite bitch.”
Carol: “I’d do her.”
“I’m just really glad to have finished the race. I wanted to show that I was actually intelligent.”
Phil: “Uh-huh. And when were you gonna start doing that?”
Caite: “To the lesbians, I just want to say that I’m sorry. If it’s any consolation, I love the blonde one’s show!”
Brent: “That’s not Ellen.”
“Really? Oh, well screw them.”
“The last time I was this furious was when Carol bleached her hair.”
“Hey! I thought you liked my frosted tips!”
“PLEASE, you’re a lesbian clichÃ©.”
“I’ve heard enough out of this little bitch. Even if she gave me an autographed copy of each and every Natalie Merchant CD, I could never forgive her.”
What did you think about the episode? How about the season? Happy with who won? Who were your favorite and least favorite teams?