What happens when you take a bunch of neurotic cougars and put them on a boat? You get last night’s episode of The Real Housewives of New York City, which brought a lovely respite from the Jill vs. Bethenny vs. Alex mess and instead revisited one of our favorite feuds from last season: Bethenny vs. Kelly. Just when it seemed as though Kelly had gotten her shit together, we discovered that indeed, all her marbles were loose yet again. The lanky model went totally bonkers on more than one occasion, often accusing the other housewives of caring too much about “feeeeelings” and petty gossip. I wish I could describe what specifically set her off each time, but the outbursts were so random, it’s hard to say. I prefer to use Bethenny’s explanation, which is that Kelly’s wires just got all crossed, causing mental short circuits of the most ludicrous effect. It was so bizarre that the other women could barely do anything but stare. Sure, they bickered back and defended themselves, but it’s a given that Kelly is nuts, and so they let her be the crazy woman that she was, especially if it meant they could witness such comical moments as Kelly storming away from a lunch table, only to be stymied by the advanced technology of a DOOR.
I wish I could go on in detail about Kelly’s insane babbling, but it’s entirely too exhausting. In certain ways I know what she was getting at — that sometimes these women read too much into ambiguous things and that instead of relying on “feelings,” they should perhaps take things at face value. But of course, Kelly is not intelligible enough to say this, and the women in turn aren’t necessarily patient enough to discern this. It also doesn’t help that the group as a whole doesn’t always have a way with words, hence Bethenny telling Kelly that she was the “least intelligent person I’ve ever met” (ironically, I imagine she meant “intelligible,” but then again, who knows).
Kelly’s inarticulateness is nothing new, mind you, but it never fails to entertain. Perhaps the best example of this was her irregular usage of the words “gross” and “creepy,” but more amusingly, her inept handling of metaphors. In fact, when she announced that she would be speaking in metaphors to better communicate with the ladies, I all but rubbed my hands together in anticipation. If anyone can butcher a good metaphor, it’s Kelly. Sure enough, Kelly announced that the women did nothing but make lemonade out of lemons. This puzzled everyone — and not just because she managed to get the entire metaphor out without mangling it. No, it was because the metaphor simply didn’t apply. The women quickly reminded Kelly that making lemonade out of lemons was turning a bad situation into something good, but Kelly insisted that the larger meaning was that it was taking something… and making it into something else. Around this time was when Sonja pleasantly suggested the obscure and rarely used expression “Mountain out of a molehill.” I swear I let out a guffaw.
Later, Kelly went nuts again, this time attacking Bethenny more specifically by calling her vindictive, a ho-bag, and someone that no one cares about. She also questioned Bethenny’s cooking experience (for no real reason) and again brought up crap from the previous season that she couldn’t quite substantiate. Sonja was stuck in the middle of these two women, looking equally bored and horny — clearly biding the time until they started complimenting her looks yet again. Thankfully Ramoner was out of sight. Drunk and slurring her words, Ramona was next door with Alex, chatting to the owner of Hooters on his yacht. She spent most of her time doing her usual thang: teetering about, doing that open-jawed laugh with one eye open, and oversharing about how horny Mario makes her.
Eventually the other women ambled over to the yacht where the bickering continued. Sonja seemed exasperated, expressing an interest in merely looking at the hot young Hooters girls. It was a strange request, colored by fascination, jealousy, and perhaps sexual intrigue. All I know is that when the women were lined up on stools eyeing that one young girl in her green top, it felt like the official Cougar Committee of the Caribbean.
On dry land, we occasionally followed LuAnn’s life (Jill was absent from the entire episode) as she recorded her soon to be chart-topping single “Elegance Is Learned.” Or is it “Money Can’t Buy You Class?” Whatever it is, LuAnn sounded like crap, and the producers happily displayed her most ear-shattering takes. Her producer, however, was particularly enamored with her, going so far as to suggest that LuAnn was perhaps more worthwhile than someone like… say… Itzhak Perlman. I couldn’t help but agree. After all, what does Itzhak have? Talent? PSSSHH. Who needs that?
When LuAnn wasn’t recording, she was out and about with her new beau, Coerte. For those who don’t remember Coerte from last week, he’s the kind of gay guy who laughs like a lizard and talks like he’s always on the verge of blurting out “FAB!” The man is supremely creepy (in the true sense, not the Kelly sense), and I couldn’t help but cringe throughout all the flirtations as he and LuAnn cozied up next to each other. Watching Coerte slither in for a kiss was an exercise in self-control — mainly in that I wanted to control myself from barfing on the spot. What LuAnn sees in him is beyond me. He doesn’t even have a particularly charming personality. I suppose she likes that he has written a book, but that does not — as she suggested — make him an intellectual. Part of me hopes we never see Coerte again, but a masochistic part of me actually wants to see this duo together again, if only for the shock value. I can only imagine what the sex is like. Sorry. Your eyes are most certainly burning like a flaming bar top now.
Anyway, on to the photocap…
Ramona: “Bethenny, I wish you didn’t bring that big red hat with you. I find it to be very distracting. No, it’s not distracting. You know what it is? It’s dÃ©classÃ©. That’s what it is. DÃ©classÃ©. Sorry! It’s dÃ©classÃ©.”
“You should read my new book: The Skinny Girl’s Guide To Seething At You, Yes, YOU, RAMONA. And feel free to buy the companion piece: The Skinny Girl’s Guide To Doing Everything in the LAST Book, but In A Giant Red Hat.”
“C’mon, LuAnn, one kiss!”
“No, no, my love. Not here.”
“Aw, I wanna know what it’s like to kiss a woman!”
“BETHENNY, you’re not a chef. You’re a cook!”
“You don’t know that.”
“Well, I don’t know that you’re a chef; so you must be a cook.”
“You’ve lost it. You’ve literally lost it.”
“No, YOU’VE lost it! Because you’re a ho-bag! And you like to talk about FEEEELINGS. That’s so 1979.”
“What are you even talking about?”
“I’m just taking random phrases and assembling them. What don’t you get?”
Sonja: “Am I hot?”
Kelly: “Don’t blame me. Bethenny is the crazy one. She’s crazy! Oh look — it’s the owner of Hooters! HIEEEEEEE!!!!”
“So you really think I sound good?”
“Oh, you sound wonderful, Countess! But what do I know? I’m only a janitor. I mean, I’m a producer! Yes, a producer!”
“Hey BOYZ! Anyone lookin’ for a hot cougar with cotton balls on her chest?”
“Hmmm, this reminds me of sex with Simon.”
“Not only am I renewing my vows, but I’m renewing my love of TURTLE TIME. ‘All the single ladies! All the single ladies!’ Hey, that’s not me because I’ve been with my husband for shhheventeeen years, and sister I am HAWWWT for him! ‘If you like me you should put a ring on me. If you like me you should put a ring on–‘ Avery? Where’s Avery? I want to know how that song goes. Turtle time!!!!”
Kelly: “Why are you guys talking about your feelings? EW. That’s gross. It’s creepy. You’re like making lemonade out of lemons.”
Bethenny: “What are you saying? You don’t make sense.”
“Bethenny, you need to calm down. You’re making lemonade. And I don’t drink that. I don’t drink things with lemons. I love lemon juice though.”
Alex: “That has lemons in it.”
“But fun lemons. You don’t even know what you’re talking about Bethenny.”
Bethenny: “That wasn’t me! That was Alex who said that.”
“You’re gross. You’re making lemonade again.”
“That’s not even the right saying.”
“But you’re making something from something else.”
Sonja: “Maybe a mountain out of a molehill, sweetie.”
Kelly: “Gross. I don’t like moles. You all are DEMENTED!”
“Don’t you worry about me, ladies. I’ll be snorkeling later… in the skipper’s crotch.”
“Would you believe that Bethenny Frankel called me a snake? Such a nasty mouth. I’d like to see HER sing a husky-voiced dance hit.”
Bethenny: “Kelly, have you seriously lost your mind?”
Sonja: “And am I really HOT?”
“Tell me, LuAnn, does it turn you on when I laugh like a fey vampire?”
“Doing research for my new book, The Skinny Girl’s Guide To Getting Cancer.”
“‘Money Can’t Buy You A Voice / Money Can’t Buy You A Voice / Singing Is Learned, My Friends…’ You know, can we change that to ‘class’ and ‘elegance’ instead?”
“You know, Countess, what I like about you is that other singers might be able to, you know, SING, but what you have is special. You have star power. And by that, I mean money.”
“Let me tell you shhhhomething, Mr. HOOooters. I love my husband. I am HAWT for my husband, if you know what I mean. He turns me on. You follow? MY vagina gets MOIST around him, okay? I wanna have sex with him, okay! WHOOO, is it me or does it feel like this boat is a-rockin!”
“Well, we are on the water.”
“Oh yeah. I knew that [insert gawky laugh with one eye closed]. TURTLE TIME!!!”
Ramona: “I like a pool noodle. I find that to be an aphrodisiac.”
Alex: “Jill is in high school. And while JILL is in high school, I AM IN THE OCEAN, SNORKELING!”
“Kelly, be quiet. I am renewing my love of SILENCE.”
Alex: “That starfish is a MEAN starfish. It’s in high school. And while the starfish is in high school, I AM PADDLING OVER TO THE CORAL REEF!”
Ramona: “Cheers to all you. I couldn’t think of anyone else I’d rather be here with. Actually, I could, but the producers wouldn’t allow them on board. I found that disrespectful. I mean, here I wanted to show off my renewed self to ALL my friends — I don’t know if you’ve noticed, but I’ve cut my hair. Sort of has a Cameron Diaz look to it now.”
“Yes, we know.”
“That was rude. What you just said was rude. No, it wasn’t rude. It was dÃ©classÃ©. Sorry! It was dÃ©classÃ©. Now, who’s ready for TURTLE TIME!!!!”
Ramona: “Oh I love this song! ‘I Want Your Muffins, And I Want To Go Fence, You And Me We Got A Tad of a Romance! Whooaoaaaaa!’ ALEX, stop flailing!”
What did you think about the episode? Seriously, who is the craziest of these women?