HOUSEWIVES PHOTOCAP: Cougars in the Caribbean!

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What happens when you take a bunch of neurotic cougars and put them on a boat? You get last night’s episode of The Real Housewives of New York City, which brought a lovely respite from the Jill vs. Bethenny vs. Alex mess and instead revisited one of our favorite feuds from last season: Bethenny vs. Kelly. Just when it seemed as though Kelly had gotten her shit together, we discovered that indeed, all her marbles were loose yet again. The lanky model went totally bonkers on more than one occasion, often accusing the other housewives of caring too much about “feeeeelings” and petty gossip. I wish I could describe what specifically set her off each time, but the outbursts were so random, it’s hard to say. I prefer to use Bethenny’s explanation, which is that Kelly’s wires just got all crossed, causing mental short circuits of the most ludicrous effect. It was so bizarre that the other women could barely do anything but stare. Sure, they bickered back and defended themselves, but it’s a given that Kelly is nuts, and so they let her be the crazy woman that she was, especially if it meant they could witness such comical moments as Kelly storming away from a lunch table, only to be stymied by the advanced technology of a DOOR.

I wish I could go on in detail about Kelly’s insane babbling, but it’s entirely too exhausting. In certain ways I know what she was getting at — that sometimes these women read too much into ambiguous things and that instead of relying on “feelings,” they should perhaps take things at face value. But of course, Kelly is not intelligible enough to say this, and the women in turn aren’t necessarily patient enough to discern this. It also doesn’t help that the group as a whole doesn’t always have a way with words, hence Bethenny telling Kelly that she was the “least intelligent person I’ve ever met” (ironically, I imagine she meant “intelligible,” but then again, who knows).

Kelly’s inarticulateness is nothing new, mind you, but it never fails to entertain. Perhaps the best example of this was her irregular usage of the words “gross” and “creepy,” but more amusingly, her inept handling of metaphors. In fact, when she announced that she would be speaking in metaphors to better communicate with the ladies, I all but rubbed my hands together in anticipation. If anyone can butcher a good metaphor, it’s Kelly. Sure enough, Kelly announced that the women did nothing but make lemonade out of lemons. This puzzled everyone — and not just because she managed to get the entire metaphor out without mangling it. No, it was because the metaphor simply didn’t apply. The women quickly reminded Kelly that making lemonade out of lemons was turning a bad situation into something good, but Kelly insisted that the larger meaning was that it was taking something… and making it into something else. Around this time was when Sonja pleasantly suggested the obscure and rarely used expression “Mountain out of a molehill.” I swear I let out a guffaw.

Later, Kelly went nuts again, this time attacking Bethenny more specifically by calling her vindictive, a ho-bag, and someone that no one cares about. She also questioned Bethenny’s cooking experience (for no real reason) and again brought up crap from the previous season that she couldn’t quite substantiate. Sonja was stuck in the middle of these two women, looking equally bored and horny — clearly biding the time until they started complimenting her looks yet again. Thankfully Ramoner was out of sight. Drunk and slurring her words, Ramona was next door with Alex, chatting to the owner of Hooters on his yacht. She spent most of her time doing her usual thang: teetering about, doing that open-jawed laugh with one eye open, and oversharing about how horny Mario makes her.

Eventually the other women ambled over to the yacht where the bickering continued. Sonja seemed exasperated, expressing an interest in merely looking at the hot young Hooters girls. It was a strange request, colored by fascination, jealousy, and perhaps sexual intrigue. All I know is that when the women were lined up on stools eyeing that one young girl in her green top, it felt like the official Cougar Committee of the Caribbean.

On dry land, we occasionally followed LuAnn’s life (Jill was absent from the entire episode) as she recorded her soon to be chart-topping single “Elegance Is Learned.” Or is it “Money Can’t Buy You Class?” Whatever it is, LuAnn sounded like crap, and the producers happily displayed her most ear-shattering takes. Her producer, however, was particularly enamored with her, going so far as to suggest that LuAnn was perhaps more worthwhile than someone like… say… Itzhak Perlman. I couldn’t help but agree. After all, what does Itzhak have? Talent? PSSSHH. Who needs that?

When LuAnn wasn’t recording, she was out and about with her new beau, Coerte. For those who don’t remember Coerte from last week, he’s the kind of gay guy who laughs like a lizard and talks like he’s always on the verge of blurting out “FAB!” The man is supremely creepy (in the true sense, not the Kelly sense), and I couldn’t help but cringe throughout all the flirtations as he and LuAnn cozied up next to each other. Watching Coerte slither in for a kiss was an exercise in self-control — mainly in that I wanted to control myself from barfing on the spot. What LuAnn sees in him is beyond me. He doesn’t even have a particularly charming personality. I suppose she likes that he has written a book, but that does not — as she suggested — make him an intellectual. Part of me hopes we never see Coerte again, but a masochistic part of me actually wants to see this duo together again, if only for the shock value. I can only imagine what the sex is like. Sorry. Your eyes are most certainly burning like a flaming bar top now.

Anyway, on to the photocap…

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Ramona: “Bethenny, I wish you didn’t bring that big red hat with you. I find it to be very distracting. No, it’s not distracting. You know what it is? It’s déclassé. That’s what it is. Déclassé. Sorry! It’s déclassé.”

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“You should read my new book: The Skinny Girl’s Guide To Seething At You, Yes, YOU, RAMONA. And feel free to buy the companion piece: The Skinny Girl’s Guide To Doing Everything in the LAST Book, but In A Giant Red Hat.”

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“C’mon, LuAnn, one kiss!”
“No, no, my love. Not here.”
“Aw, I wanna know what it’s like to kiss a woman!”

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“BETHENNY, you’re not a chef. You’re a cook!”
“You don’t know that.”
“Well, I don’t know that you’re a chef; so you must be a cook.”
“You’ve lost it. You’ve literally lost it.”
“No, YOU’VE lost it! Because you’re a ho-bag! And you like to talk about FEEEELINGS. That’s so 1979.”
“What are you even talking about?”
“I’m just taking random phrases and assembling them. What don’t you get?”
Sonja: “Am I hot?”

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Kelly: “Don’t blame me. Bethenny is the crazy one. She’s crazy! Oh look — it’s the owner of Hooters! HIEEEEEEE!!!!”

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“So you really think I sound good?”
“Oh, you sound wonderful, Countess! But what do I know? I’m only a janitor. I mean, I’m a producer! Yes, a producer!”

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“Hey BOYZ! Anyone lookin’ for a hot cougar with cotton balls on her chest?”

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“Hmmm, this reminds me of sex with Simon.”

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“Not only am I renewing my vows, but I’m renewing my love of TURTLE TIME. ‘All the single ladies! All the single ladies!’ Hey, that’s not me because I’ve been with my husband for shhheventeeen years, and sister I am HAWWWT for him! ‘If you like me you should put a ring on me. If you like me you should put a ring on–‘ Avery? Where’s Avery? I want to know how that song goes. Turtle time!!!!”

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Kelly: “Why are you guys talking about your feelings? EW. That’s gross. It’s creepy. You’re like making lemonade out of lemons.”
Bethenny: “What are you saying? You don’t make sense.”
“Bethenny, you need to calm down. You’re making lemonade. And I don’t drink that. I don’t drink things with lemons. I love lemon juice though.”
Alex: “That has lemons in it.”
“But fun lemons. You don’t even know what you’re talking about Bethenny.”
Bethenny: “That wasn’t me! That was Alex who said that.”
“You’re gross. You’re making lemonade again.”
“That’s not even the right saying.”
“But you’re making something from something else.”
Sonja: “Maybe a mountain out of a molehill, sweetie.”
Kelly: “Gross. I don’t like moles. You all are DEMENTED!”

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“Don’t you worry about me, ladies. I’ll be snorkeling later… in the skipper’s crotch.”

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“Would you believe that Bethenny Frankel called me a snake? Such a nasty mouth. I’d like to see HER sing a husky-voiced dance hit.”

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Bethenny: “Kelly, have you seriously lost your mind?”
Sonja: “And am I really HOT?”

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“Tell me, LuAnn, does it turn you on when I laugh like a fey vampire?”

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“Doing research for my new book, The Skinny Girl’s Guide To Getting Cancer.”

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“‘Money Can’t Buy You A Voice / Money Can’t Buy You A Voice / Singing Is Learned, My Friends…’ You know, can we change that to ‘class’ and ‘elegance’ instead?”

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“You know, Countess, what I like about you is that other singers might be able to, you know, SING, but what you have is special. You have star power. And by that, I mean money.”

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“Let me tell you shhhhomething, Mr. HOOooters. I love my husband. I am HAWT for my husband, if you know what I mean. He turns me on. You follow? MY vagina gets MOIST around him, okay? I wanna have sex with him, okay! WHOOO, is it me or does it feel like this boat is a-rockin!”
“Well, we are on the water.”
“Oh yeah. I knew that [insert gawky laugh with one eye closed]. TURTLE TIME!!!”

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Ramona: “I like a pool noodle. I find that to be an aphrodisiac.”

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Alex: “Jill is in high school. And while JILL is in high school, I AM IN THE OCEAN, SNORKELING!”

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“Kelly, be quiet. I am renewing my love of SILENCE.”

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Alex: “That starfish is a MEAN starfish. It’s in high school. And while the starfish is in high school, I AM PADDLING OVER TO THE CORAL REEF!”

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Ramona: “Cheers to all you. I couldn’t think of anyone else I’d rather be here with. Actually, I could, but the producers wouldn’t allow them on board. I found that disrespectful. I mean, here I wanted to show off my renewed self to ALL my friends — I don’t know if you’ve noticed, but I’ve cut my hair. Sort of has a Cameron Diaz look to it now.”
“Yes, we know.”
“That was rude. What you just said was rude. No, it wasn’t rude. It was déclassé. Sorry! It was déclassé. Now, who’s ready for TURTLE TIME!!!!”

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Ramona: “Oh I love this song! ‘I Want Your Muffins, And I Want To Go Fence, You And Me We Got A Tad of a Romance! Whooaoaaaaa!’ ALEX, stop flailing!”

What did you think about the episode? Seriously, who is the craziest of these women?

39 replies on “HOUSEWIVES PHOTOCAP: Cougars in the Caribbean!”

  1. The Countess is a poor man’s version of Kim Zoliack. Sorry Kim does the horrible singer/gold digger so much better than LuAnn. They are both, however, equally awful human beings.

  2. The lemons into lemonade comment was the best. I still can’t decide if that demonstrates her stupidity or craziness. Maybe both.

  3. I thought this episode was improved by the absence of Jill Zaaaaarin.

    I like the sparks shooting out of the armpit on the last picture.

    I am easily amused.

  4. I just kept wondering how a one-night-stand translates into “unprotected sex” with men “all around America.” Also — LOVED when Bethenny held up the Hooters girls calendar to illustrate how wholesome Midwestern girls are. Also, good for Ramona for getting wasty. It’s her party!

    This made me laugh heartily: “Jill is in high school. And while JILL is in high school, I AM IN THE OCEAN, SNORKELING!”

  5. This episode had me cracking up, from a drunk Ramona to insane Kelly it was full of win! One bonus was that there was NO JILL ZARIN! She really adds nothing to the show.

  6. ugh! courte gives me hives! that thick tongued, no lipped, throwing head back laugh made me urp. He seems like a dry mouthed guy with bad breath. Maybe that is why LuLu turned away?
    I seriously think Kelly is on something. the way she came back after “calm” after completely losing her mind was interesting. yikes!

  7. I think this was my favorite episode ever! Next week looks even better…although from past previews of the season it looks like Jill somehow shows up on the boat or something. My favorite part was Bethenney making fun of Kelly supposedly graduating from Colombia.

  8. My points:

    1. Ok, this has got to be the BEST Real Housewives season of any cast ever. Geeze, it’s been like the gift that keeps on giving.

    2. I’m loving the addition of Sonja. I live in LA and I find her New York accent so different. No one here sounds like her and it’s fascinating to me. Other than Luann, I find her passive aggressive digs hilarious. And I get the feeling she’s actually in on the joke with us regarding these crazies and I would like her to continue stirring the pot some more as she winks to the camera with that twinkle in her eye.

    3. TURTLE TIME!!!!!!!!!!!! Ramona is hilarious! Seeing her dance was true comedy gold.

    4. After last night, it really became obvious that Kelly is just so jealous of Bethenny. First, Bethenny gets engaged, and THEN gets pregnant. And it was just too much for Kelly, hence her sad breakdown. I think Kelly also gets jealous that Bethenny can be so sharp-tongued but can pull off the witty persona without getting the grief from people which drives her nuts. And she clearly tries to compensate by throwing in these metaphors everytime she’s on camera. Poor thing!

  9. I think Jill was in this episode: I think she was advising Kelly every step of the way and when it wasn’t via a direct phone call, it was from memory. All those odd disjointed comments were Kelly channeling things she’d heard from Jill and even from LuAnn. That’s why she couldn’t offer proof or even come up with a response when asked “WTF?” I think she’s a mental incompetent and at a certain point it’s not even funny to laugh at her, she’s so damaged and this portrayal of her is so revealing. Talk about infamy! She’s gonna rival Playboy!

    I think next week Bravo will reveal how often Kelly called Jill and that Jill told her “get back down there and find out what they’re saying” … if Kelly goes off and gets physically abusive, as she did with that boyfriend and wound up in court, it’ll be Jill Zarin’s fault. Of course, Jill will say “I didn’t know! She didn’t tell me!”

  10. These women make me so thankful for my normal boring life.
    Such drama.
    Kelly started the season off on a semi normal leg, but she quickly spiraled out of control into madness. On the watch what happens show, Sonja said she went on this trip to stick up for Kelly, but in the end, wanted to throw her overboard.
    LuAnn is delusional if she thinks she can sing. And that producer “that’s what I’m talking about” make me as nauseous as Courte.

  11. Millie M, I think you’re right about Jill directing Kelly. When operating without Jill’s instructions, Kelly didn’t know what to do.

    * “You’re a cook, not a chef!” Kelly accuses

    “Why do you think that?” Bethenny asks

    *crickets*

    Obviously, Jill implanted this suggestion in Kelly and Kelly ran with it. Except she had no follow-up ready.

    But the part that made it crystal-clear was when Kelly couldn’t operate the door on her own without Jill’s instructions! She’s totally a wind-up doll!

  12. ditto Tish.. That’s what I am talking about… did anyone count how many freaking time he said that?

  13. Did anyone notice that Kelly didn’t know the expression “let them eat crow”. I’m not sure Ramona used it correctly, but kelly acted like she had never heard it before! “let them eat what???”

    Does Kelly have kids?

  14. Also when Bethenny joked about stomping on grapes (to make wine) Kelly was like, ooh don’t do that, I’m eating those!

    I loved when Alex and Bethenny spontaneously busted out laughing about how Kelly freaked out at lunch. It seemed like a real genuine moment between friends and I was laughing with them.

      1. I forgot the grapes comment, too. Kelly is so friggin’ clueless. I cannot wait for the next show still on the crazy yacht.

  15. I’m kind of wondering if Kelly has Aspergers Syndrome. She operates with such a total disconnect. What was up with Sonja getting all into the women? I was picking up a definite bi-curious vibe there – she shouldn’t drink until she gets back on her feet emotionally. I loathe JZ, and I think it’s really sick that she was manipulating Ramona’s party via phone – who the f*ck does she think she is? I don’t enjoy anything about her, and I hope she gets the boot – she’s sick.

  16. Tish – Kelly did seem semi-self aware for the first few episodes but she could only contain the insanity for so long and then – blammo, Kelly’s baaaack. Creepy.
    But really – I prefer her insane tirades to the restrained civility.

    hb

  17. I just watched this episode again and it is just magical. I had not picked up on all of bethenney’s great oneliners. She was ready to vampire ramonas ass to get some of that Pinot grigio in her system. Ramona was a gift, slurring that Kelly and bethenney’s were like salt and water. Oops I mean oil and vinegar. I never want this to end.

  18. Kelly has what my father and mother have – narcissistic personality disorder. Not fun to deal with up close and personal, but from a distance – absolutely hilarious! These days that’s how I try to enjoy narcs, the walking disasters that they are.

    Kelly used to make me cringe when she first appeared on the show. I saw her narc qualities straight away. People with her condition don’t suffer from it – instead they make everyone else around suffer. They really love what they are. Its hard to tell if they are mildly retarded, somewhat insane, or just brain damaged – that’s your first clue. They get worse with age and are resistant to treatment. Not curable.

    She certainly is evidence that you can’t be cast in a reality show unless you fit the criteria for some personality disorder. Seems like there are one or two in every reality show. They are highly entertaining – but only when restricted to my TV box.

  19. BEST EPISODE EVER!!!! My friends and I watched it Thrusday, Friday and Saturday laughing each time. Bethenny rocks. Ever time Kelly said soemthing crazy, like when Kelly called her a hp-bag and said she slept all across America, Bethenny just laughed in her face.

    Bethenny and Alex are hilarious together. i am loving this new “bond” that they have.

    Ramona needs to renew her vows every year if stuff like this happens. I can only imagine what Bethenny would have said (or done) if she had been drinking.

    Kelly=the wind up Monkey w/drums. Calm one minute, then clanging around like a idiot the next.

    Thank you BSide for a wonderful recap. And please remember “Elegance is learned, my friend.”

    Oh, and I loved how Andy Cohen kept singing every time the Countless opened her mouth, it was like he was making fun of her the whole time!

  20. One more thing! What was up w/Kelly saying that Bethenny should respect her father and how he choose to live his life? Anyone else think that it was creppy and gross how she was defending someone who basically disowned his child?

  21. The only drug I know of that smells like cat piss is Angel Dust. I can fully believe that Kelly smokes that stuff because her behavior is totally out of control.

    1. I thought watching the DVR of the show would be a relaxing way to spend a chilly Sunday afternoon. Kelly’s skittish anger totally put me on edge. I often wonder what the worst combo of the following is: mean, smart, kind, dumb. Kelly being antagonistic and beyond stupid is pretty much the worst. I prefer smart and Kind…like bside. 🙂

  22. please, please, please Bravo tv – Kelly is so out of control now that she should not be shown on tape. It is exploitive to me because she really needs help. At least MAKE her look at past shows and so she can see how she twists everyone’s words. Bethenney did not say “I am all that” – Kelly said that about HERSELF. Help her see.

  23. What about “making a mountain out of a HOHILL” – Ramona, this season, episode 1
    The funny thing is, she wasnt even drinking when she said it. LOL

  24. As Ramona would say: “Ku-doos” to all these girls!
    Well….everyone BUT Kelli.
    i agree with Angela- NARCISSISTS ARE ONLY FUN TO WATCH ON TV.
    Meandering black holes that they are…..

  25. Ben, your writing is GROSS!! (Props to Kelly for amping up my metaphor usage in my personal life, it was sorely lacking). I just found you and DOINKK, new favorite. Thanks I’m hooked!

  26. Just rewatching the season and therefore revisiting all the recaps. Most of the time I pray to God the Housewives never read these so they never get ideas on how to stop being ridiculous (and therefore delightfully entertaining). I really hope Bethenney sees this one day though, mostly because I just MUST have ‘The Skinny Girl’s Guide To Doing Everything in the LAST Book, but In A Giant Red Hat.’

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