REAL HOUSEWIVES PHOTOCAP: Bada Bing, Bada Baby

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At long last, Teresa Giudice popped out a fourth baby girl on Monday’s Real Housewives of New Jersey, and what a bizarre production it was. When the gaudy housewife first went into labor, she treated the process as casually as if she had to go pick up her dry-cleaning (oh shoot, I need to do that). Teresa meandered around the house, assembling an overnight bag of various garments all seemingly constructed from different animal prints. When she was done doing that, she made French toast for her daughters and then finally, finally she was ready for the hospital. Too bad her husband Joe was busy nursing his very own cup of Joe. As usual, he moved at the speed of oozing hair gel, occasionally interrupting his sloth-like behavior to crack a dumb joke that didn’t really make any sense.

Eventually though, husband and wife made their way to the hospital where Teresa’s been-there, done-that attitude quickly transformed into screams of pain. In the middle of it all, she did manage to ask for a diamond (which in turn prompted yet another silly joke from Joe about dying in the mountains of Africa. A regular Jerry Seinfeld that one). Finally, after much screaming and rage, Teresa popped out another bambino, and thus little Audriana (yes, spelled THAT way) was welcomed into the world.

Elsewhere in New Jersey, it was more of the same. Jacqueline continued to be one of the dullest cast members of the entire franchise with her perpetual light bickering with directionless daughter Ashley. There was a tinge of excitement in her world when her husband revealed a small artillery of guns in the family vault, but since none of them went off, the thrill of firearms was left mostly unfelt.

In Dina land, the only news was that Teresa asked her to be Audriana’s godmother, thus prompting tears from both women. I’m sure local pyschic Zen Jen would have approved massively. Of course, Zen Jen also still wants Dina to go talk with Danielle, a suggestion that severely bothered Caroline, who quite frankly should be more concerned about other things — namely her son “interning” at Scores Gentleman’s Club in New York City. I understand that these women don’t like Danielle, but Caroline really has to give it up already. To borrow an incendiary phrase from Bethenny, it’s time to get a new hobby.

Same goes for Danielle, who likes to think she’s above the fray, but man oh man does she like the drama. Why else would she seek out two shady ex-convicts to accompany her to a fundraiser at the Brownstone for BABY CANCER? This has disaster written all over it. And it’s about time. This season has been a snooze-fest…

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“Hey Dina, I’m going into labor, but before I get off the phone, let me tell you about this video Joe sent me on YouTube. It’s a guy farting on a cactus. It’s so funny.”

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“Hey Joe, hurry up already. I’m going into labor here.”
“Quiet down, hun. Want me to get you a diamond?”
“Yeah.”
“They got those diamonds in Africa you know. In them mountains.”
“Yeah, I want one of those.”
“I might get killed going over there.”
“That was funny!”
“Thanks. I try.”

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“What’s the matta, Joe?”
“Ain’t nothin’. Got bad reception. Tryin’ to listen to the Jerky Boys hotline.”

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“Hey Teresa, look at this. I took a picture of a pothole.”
“I’m not in the mood, Joe.”

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“Hello? Is this the offices for the Hackensack Pretty Lil’ Angels Pageant? I’d like to enroll my daughter in this month’s pageant. How old is she? Well, she’s still in my uterus, but I’m telling you, she’s a STAR!”

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“I can’t believe they don’t have a leopard print hospital gown. What is this? Libya?”

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“I don’t wanna go down! I don’t wanna go down!”
“For the last time, Teresa, you’re NOT ON A WATER SLIDE!”

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“Christopher, do I look like a man who works at a strip club? No. I work at a gentleman’s club — that happens to be populated by skanky strippers.”

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Jacqueline: “Ashley, you have no direction.”
“UGGGH, Mom, I do have a direction. I’m going to travel the world in search of the ugliest hat. And then I’m going to WEAR it.”

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“You’re seriously going to travel the world?”
“Actually, I’m going to travel TO The World. It’s a new store in Paramus. Can I have some money?”

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“Check it out. I’m gonna kill Ashley’s boyfriend.”

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“DIE DIE DIE!!!! Hahaha, this is fun! Let’s buy Ashley another Range Rover now.”

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“Let me tell you a something about our family: we’re as thick as thieves, and we wear crazy shirts that look like oil slicks until the end.”

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“Guess who’s coming to the Brownstone? Your friend Danielle.”
“Whoa, back it up. She is not my friend. She is a liar, she is scum, and she is garbage. And let me tell you a something else about her: she is NO Bernard Kerik!”

22 replies on “REAL HOUSEWIVES PHOTOCAP: Bada Bing, Bada Baby”

  1. I agree the whole season has been boring. It’s hard when 4 of the women are friends/family and they gang up on the other person (not that Danielle doesn’t deserve it). On the other hand, with RHOOC, it’s pretty obvious that many of the meet-ups/lunches/parties are designed to get the women together and create drama. Guess we’ll complain either way. Oh and I love that Danielle has hired a Johnny Sac wanna-be and a crackhead to “protect” her at the Brownstone. She is beyond crazy. Danielle, Kim from RHOA, Crackie from RHOOC, Kookadoodle and Shill from RHONY all need to be on a show together to see who can “out-crazy” the others.

      1. Your show indeed sounds awesome…(which RHOOC mess is Crackie?) because this one has fizzled. The Photocaps are the best thing to come out of RHONJ.

  2. I’m hoping for something to happen at the Baby Cancer function. That “friend” of Danielle’s better clean up well, to escort her. And I love how she clarifies how everyone is a good friend of hers. Jeez.

    1. Danielle’s “friend” reeks – I can smell him even over my television.

      I loved that the ladies call their woman part – Chucky.

      hb

  3. Why in the hell is everything so big in these houses? The couches and chairs just dwarf anyone who sits in them. Everything is so huge and tacky and totally what they think they should have in these, I don’t know, vaults of houses. Nothing looks like a home. I bet it’s delightful to hear Teresa and her screeching daughters running all over that marble home.

  4. Love Love Love the show, the ladies are so funny. Love Caroline, she tells it like it is!

    Tesera your the best! Love them all ,best of luck with the new baby. God Bless.

  5. From one italian to another, God Bless. Keep being who you are, your the nicest people
    ever! Caroline taught me how to be a strong woman. Thanks! your a doll.
    Teresa, Best Wishes with the little baby, your kids are adorable!
    Jackuline, and Dina your very sweet. Teresa, your the best Mother,to your
    girls, and good to your husband to. Your all real, no fakes on this,show
    ,
    just one, Danille!

  6. The way I understand what Teresa did was not GO INTO Labor but go to the hospital to have the baby. She had an appointment and if you listened closely she was so late they gave her room away. Upon Arrival she was only dilated to 3.. you can be dilated anywhere form 1-3 and if your water has not broken you could last a while.

    In my experience I believe she went in to have the baby through induction. With the use of Potosen or another such drug. Because it was her Due (shooting) date, and she wanted to have the baa by then.

    just my educated guess

  7. That scene with Danielle and her “friends” felt like a meeting where you hire a hit man – is anyone else worried about someone getting killed?

    If anyone gets a chance, read Danielle’s blog on bravotv.com about the episode – all she does is bash all the other women, no wonder they hate her so much!

    1. Her blogs scare me!! (hanging my head in shame as I admit I read the bravo blogs) They barely talk about anything that happened in the show and are mostly angry tirades against the other women. Her comments about Teresa having the baby were horrible and she trashes Jacqueline’s daughter in a really ugly manner. One angry, delusional woman right there. I hope her daughters don’t read that crap…

  8. Natural childbirth, says she.
    Have they included having an epidural in “Natural” childbirth?
    For those of you who do not know, an epidural completely numbs the bottom part of your anatomy. Why she screamed after having one so early into labor, only God knows. Maybe just because she is loud, obnoxious Theresa and was directed to do so.
    B-side, keep up with your wonderful captioning. You actually make this snooze fest worth watching.

  9. In Caroline’s blog she wrote about the two “bodyguards” Danielle hired. She says the only thing that scares her is the guy’s feathered hairdo!

    Seriously, if Danielle really wants to be in good graces with these women, why does she go and hire thugs to go to a charity event? She’s such a drama queen and I know it’s been said before, but I really do feel sorry for her children.

  10. I think they meant “natural childbirth” in the non c-section sense. And I agree with Erica, as I had to be induced as well and had to go to the hospital for an appointment. And hospitals really don’t want you to be there before your water breaks or you are having regular, close contractions and/or are very dilated because there are tons and tons of women having pre-labor and false alarms. But he way they edited is much more entertaining for the TeeVee audience, of course.
    Also, I think that she may have been dramatic about the diamond because that’s her personality, but its also distracting when you are in that way. I also had an epidural early on and was in extreme pain anyway. It has to be regulated and monitored and adjusted. Labor is just more than “pain”, its pressure and nausea and uncomfortablilty, all in extreme duress. You are pushing a ~8 lb creature out of your body, who is fighting to stay in. Never fun, any circumstance.
    Two cents in.

  11. Teresa, Teresa. Everytime I watch her, I think “she’s not only unattractive on the outside, but she’s unattractive on the inside as well. How can she talk so trashy and proclaim to be so classy? “That’s just gross”, as she would always say. Well, a potty mouth is just a piggish and “gross”. Teresa needs definite ettiquette lessons, 101. It’s okay not to like someone, but to bash them verbally clearly shows how lipstick on a pig looks!

  12. Thank you! I am glad to know I am not the only one that thinks Teresa is ugly, gaudy and annoying! Everyone makes such a big deal about her on the show! It’s like watching a train wreck! She is incredibly ugly and that wouldn’t be so bad if she weren’t so annoying and obnoxious too! I am wondering, is she putting her husband down by saying would you put a bumper sticker on a Bentley? She is the dumbest one on the show! and if anyone exploits their kids, it’s her! I am embarrassed that people would think this is the way Italian Americans act.

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