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We’ve seen a lot of crazy things on The Real Housewives of New York City, not to mention the other venerable iterations of the Housewives franchise. But nothing, nothing compares to the one hour of borderline incoherent insanity brought to us last night by the wonderfully kooky Kelly Bensimon. The former model had been on her best behavior all season, going so far as to convince us that she was somewhat normal, but after weeks of keeping it bottled up, Kelly’s craziness finally spewed forth in the Caribbean, and if you thought last week’s misadventures on the yacht were bizarre, they were nothing compared to this latest round of ridiculousness. The woman is certifiably insane, and if she’s not, then she must be on drugs. How else to explain her rambling rants, impetuous attacks, and generally volatile behavior? This wasn’t a case of creative editing. The woman was truly making no sense. AND IT LASTED FOR THE ENTIRE EPISODE.

Starting with Kelly once again grilling Bethenny about her chef credentials at the breakfast table, the loopy model went on a tear that only seemed to let up during a silly photo shoot on the beach. That was merely the eye of the hurricane though because everything else was truly tempestuous. There was Kelly bursting into tears after receiving a gift from Bethenny that she perceived to be impersonal (it’s like bawling about getting party favors that aren’t specifically tailored to each guest). There was Kelly passive-aggressively suggesting everyone write down their complaints on a pad (so that she could then throw them in the trash — a bit unproductive). And then there was her ridiculous behavior during the dinner that Bethenny hosted for Ramona.

First Kelly insisted that she couldn’t sit across from the Skinny Girl herself, fearing that she might be murdered right there in her seat. It was a ridiculous and immature suggestion, and if it were true, I’m not sure that then sitting diagonal from her would have made much of a difference. Perhaps what was most sad/bizarre/frustrating was the way that Kelly repeatedly accused the other girls of ganging up on her. It got to the point where she even had called Jill to express fear for her own safety (a wild exaggeration on Kelly’s part, but one that Jill was happy to take at face value, probably because it gave her a sense of superiority).

As the dinner went on, Kelly’s behavior became more and more unpredictable, and she would hardly let anyone get a word in edgewise, often insisting that the others “zip it.” When Ramona tried to apologize to Bethenny for making her cry on the Brooklyn Bridge, Kelly butted in and told them to just be quiet. Again, she cited her hatred of “feelings,” and again she noted that they were so 1979. In the middle of this, Kelly then went off about Alex’s pale skin and scary eyes, and eventually, it all kind of culminated with her likening Bethenny to Al Sharpton. Yeah, it was crazy.

Honestly, the entire episode was sort of like overload, and I can’t remember much of it. What I can recall is poor Sonja, who continually got stuck being the one talking Kelly back from the ledge. Eventually she just gave up and engaged in perhaps my favorite practice of the night: calling for empathy towards Kelly while simultaneously tearing her to shreds. For instance, when the other women started going off on Kelly, Sonja would frequently urge them to stop ganging up on the poor girl… because CLEARLY SHE WAS CLINICALLY INSANE. And yes, Sonja would say this RIGHT TO KELLY’S FACE. And even better, Kelly seemed totally unfazed! Amazing. So far, Sonja has been a major, major win for this cast.

Anyway, my brain still needs detoxing. Here are some pics in the meantime.

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“Well this is a lovely breakfast. Kelly, any words of crazy for us?”
Kelly: “Bethenny’s eyeballs are made of popcorn.”
“Okay.”
“We’re actually upside down right now.”
“Okay.”
“And seagulls are actually just cacti who’ve been exposed to Crab Rangoon.”
“Great!”

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Alex: “Kelly, you’re making my hair stand on end. Literally. You’ve brought my frizz back.”

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Ramona: “This water is gorgeous. No, you know what it is? It’s the opposite of déclassé. That’s what it is. Opposite of déclassé. Sorry! It’s déclassé, naaaawwwt!!”

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“So wrong that I figure skate on the ice? It’s a free world. FEH.”

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“Jill Zarin is a mean girl, and she is at an ICE RINK. And while she is at an ice rink, I AM ATOP A TURRET!”

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“CoooAHH! CooooAAHHHH!!”
Kelly: “Alex, what are you doing?”
“Just calling out to Simon. We communicate through the wind.”

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“Guys, I have my artistic glasses on; so this means I’m being artistic. Get it? Because when I put them on, they make me artistic. Because I’m an artist. Wait, how do you turn this thing on?”

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“I think this will look just SMASHING on my Christmas card this year!”

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“I like to call this pose ‘Sexy Green Bean.'”

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“HIIIIEEEEEE, bag! Oh wait. Ew. A bag? This is gross. And it has my initials on it. Who does that? Monograms are so impersonal.”

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Jill: “I told Kelly she shouldn’t have gone without us. I told her.”
LuAnn: “She would have been having a much better time here in this empty restaurant that may or may not have been used in a softcore porno.”

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“Would you believe that the waiter called me a snake? ME! A snake!”
Jill: “I think he just asked if you wanted a cocktail.”
“JE CROIS PAS, Jill. Je crois pas…”

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Ramona: “You know what? This is lovely. It’s lovely. Sorry! It’s lovely.”
Alex: “I propose we toast to the return of my frizzy hair.”
Sonja: “Do you think the waitress would mind if I squeezed her boobs?”

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“How is it that I’m able to speak into this little piece of plastic and then hear my daughters’ voices through it too? That’s gross. It’s gross.”

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“Phone. PHONE. Zip it! Zip it, phone!”

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Ramona: “I just remembered. I accidentally fed Kelly after midnight. NOW it makes sense.”

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“I’m not sitting across from Bethenny. I’m just not doing that. She’s going to try to kill me. I literally had nightmares, nightmares, about her reaching across a table and killing me with her bare hands, WHICH, you should know, have butter knives for fingers.”

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“Did you guys hear LuAnn’s new song? I mean REALLY?”

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Ramona: “Kelly is crazy. She’s crazy. I’m sorry, she’s crazy! I haven’t seen someone this crazy since the last time I saw somebody buy KODAK FILM, which, as we all know, is a dying brand.”

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“Kelly, this is the Skinny Girl’s Guide to SHUTTING THE EFF UP.”

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“Ew. These women are gross. Bethenny is a murderer. Alex is a vampire. Ramona has a dragon tail. And Sonja just gave birth to an octopus. It’s creepy. Like 1979… HIIEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!”

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Sonja: “Ladies, don’t be mean to Kelly. After all, she’s clearly MENTALLY DERANGED.”

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“Bethenny, you’re a bitch.”
“Why am I a bitch?”
“Oh my god. You’re so defensive.”
“You just called me a bitch.”
“No. You called me a bitch.”
“You’re crazy.”
“And you’re a cook.”
“This again.”
“You need to stop thinking about ‘this’ and start talking about ‘that.'”
“What does that even mean?”
“Just… just zip it. Shhh.”
“You make no sense.”
“Whatever you say, AL SHARPTON.”
“What?”
“Hey everyone, it’s AL SHARPTON!”
“If this is a reference to my Jack Nicholson impersonation–“
“Jack Nicholson? Is he a friend of AL SHARPTON? Hey, hey, hey! It’s AAAAAAL Sharpton!”
“Now you’re doing Fat Albert.
“Did you call me fat? You’re so immature. Really, Bethenny. Really. Zip it. Zip it.”

What did you think about the episode? What was Kelly’s problem? Is she unhinged? Or was she driven to insanity? And what other stuff did I miss (I know there’s plenty)?

115 replies on “REAL HOUSEWIVES PHOTOCAP: The Craziest Episode of All Time”

  1. I thought Apergers as well with KKB, my husband has it – and if he feels overwhelmed or frustrated he can come off as sounding abusive. He isn’t at all, but he has no idea how to deal with stress – also, totally literal, and misses social cues. It’s become much more prevalent because of the technical shift in our culture, men who might have had trouble dating in the past are now desirable because of their talent and earning potential, and they reproduce; so I think the rise in spectrum disorders could possibly be attributed to that. He’s much higher functioning than KKB, and not paranoid at all, but I can see similarities. He will also try to pass off awkward behaviors as humorous, it’s a coping mechanism that actually works pretty well sometimes.

    That being said, Aspergers doesn’t necessarily preclude other mental issues or substance abuse. I think there is more than one thing going on, and the women at the table really looked genuinely scared when things had gone too far. I think it’s clear to anyone that KKB has serious problems, and the fact Jill and Luanne manipulate someone who is clearly not stable is just about as low as it gets, IMO. I think if KKB hadn’t been loaded up and pointed by those two, who then appeared to have pulled the trigger via phone, things wouldn’t have gotten so volatile. KKB is obviously impressionable and hyper-focused on Bethenny, and anything Bethenny related. Also, she targeted Alex – who is now JZ enemy number one. How weird was it that she essentially defaced Alex in those photos with the giant hat and sunglasses? Odd, talk about impersonal gestures.

    Crazy episode, crazy week in reality TV land – The Hills was a descent into madness as well.

  2. 96 COMMENTS?! Can we reach 100? C’mon, people–you know we can, and this is just the post to take us there. This is a special time… I remember when this happened over at MSR–I believe it was a discussion on that nefarious father-daughter pair on BB…Now won’t I feel like an ass if I have somehow missed an earlier thread that has gone over 100?

    1. Sorry Bobbie. So far this is still only #2. There’s a handy widget on the right that shows the most commented posts ever. A Big Brother poll still has the top spot… for now.

  3. Kelly wasn’t just irrationally mean to Bethenny on the last episode. She made a comment that made Sonia’s insecurities about her breasts come to light. She was very rude to her host(ess), Ramona and also verbally attacked Alex a few times. Talk about someone having knives on their tongue!

  4. Who knew meth smelled like cat urine?? The things i learn frm ur blog! Im torn between kelly being emotionally challenged & strung out! Luv all the comments. Kelly is gifted if she can make the other women look like the picture of mental health. Sonia rocks & was slumming it on this holiday,she is a Morgan as in JP :).

  5. Bad enough to scream “Zip it!!” to the hostess of a party, but to do it to someone who has invited you on a 4 day all expense paid vacation to the Virgin Islands takes the cake. (No Kelly, not a real cake.) Not to mention the fantastic villa and yacht. Agree with the posters who suppose that she has Aspergers. The concrete thinking, lack of understanding of social situations or metaphors, the constant repetition of words or phrases when she gets flustered all point to that. It also may tie into why she goes to multiple parties for 10 minutes each in the same evening. She isn’t good at social discourse, so she shows up to be seen, and do the superficial meet and greet. I think that there may be some additional mental or drug problems going on there. I’ve been thinking that she’s as dumb as a bag of hair, and I definitely don’t think that she’s very bright, but some of that impression may be due to Asperbergers or some related condition. There were times during the weekend when the other women did gang up on her a bit, but, for the most part, Kelly did most of the egging on. She also acts as superior as the Countess on some occasions–the whole, “I’m a good girl, I’m from the Midwest, I’d never do a one night stand, I never gossip, I’m all about rainbows and puppies” thing. I’m appalled that she has custody of her children–she doesn’t seem coherent enough to take care of them properly. By the way, I’m in no way implying that all people with Aspergers behave like Kelly. I’m just surprised that by her forties she isn’t aware that she can’t read a room or do well in social situations. Has no one ever told her that? Has anyone ever tried to help her? I think that Bravo should take her off the show–that said, I’m ghoulishly looking forward to this week’s trainwreck of a show. Ohh, and Kelly’s behavior almost made me forget the Countess’ horrifically off-key song. Almost.

  6. Kelly, I’m really beginning to believe the rumors that you are a drug addict. Are you?
    you sure seem to be on something.

  7. OMG, this episode is crazy gold! Somehow I missed it when it aired and kept catching the following ep with Jill arriving during the spa day. Kelly – well, no words. It’s easy for me to zip it. No words. And the captions to the pics above are hilarious. I need to save this to favorites for when I really really need a laugh.

  8. I’m watching this priceless episode again….a trainwreck in slomo. I’m not sure if
    Kelly is crazy, or impersonating crazy….great TV though.

  9. I love that people are starting to see what a nut this woman is. I don’t think she has mental problems, she has attention problems. She can’t stand it when the focus isn’t on her. She is so vile with jealousy for Bethanny its really sad. She has mentioned that she wants to get married and have another baby. And now Bethanny is doing all of that and Kelly is having a hard time dealing with not being the center of attention. I would just like to know if this woman actually has any real friends.

    I can’t wait for the reunion!

  10. I thought Kelly’s behavior was a classic manic episode. Have seen it many times with my ex. The rapid-fire speech. Streams of consciousness. Grandiosity. They should keep a nurse on the set!!?

    1. The grandiosity is part of Narcissistic Personality Disorder, which is a defense mechanism that works to defend a deep seated self esteem problem, which is also characteristic of NPD. It’s very easy to recognize once you’ve had experience with it. It comes from not being valued for who you really are. I believe she got it from modeling at a young age. Usually, the parents are also to blame.

      1. I’m surprised no one is mentioning the obvious alternative to her bizarro behavior, which is that she is on drugs (whether abusing prescription or otherwise, and mixing with alcohol) Especially since she often has no memory at all of prior conversations, or dramatically warped memories. Sure she might have NPD or bipolar, but her consistently random and incomprehensible speech/thoughts and lack of memory makes drugs another highly likely possibility. I was really surprised at Bethenny’s dinner that they were all chalking it up to “clinically insane” and “mental breakdown” and no one thought to ask, wtf is she on????

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