The ‘Real Housewives’ Head To The Volcano!

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That pesky volcano in Iceland is at it again, and now that air travel has been severely impacted by yet another ash cloud, I couldn’t help but think back to a photo gallery of the first eruption that my friend jash had sent me. Browsing through the pictures, I realized it was time for another Housewives adventure, and so with no further ado, please enjoy the Real Housewives of Orange County, New York, Atlanta, and New Jersey taking it to the mountain…


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“Money can’t buy you magma! Money can’t buy you magma! Lava flows are learned, my friends. Lava flows are leeaaaaarrrrrned!!”

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“I never evacuate a volcano without my husband. This is a volcano, right? I wasn’t sure if it was just Jesus burp.”

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“Eyjafjallajokull, may I have the floor? Okay, great. So ever since my father passed away, I’ve been going through a renewal. I don’t know if you noticed, but I cut my hair. It’s sort of a Cameron Diaz thing, I don’t know. It’s just a new me. A reNEWED me. Anyway, this is just my way of saying that you have no volcano friends, Volcano, and everyone hates you. Sorry! I’m being honest. I tell it how it is. Now who wants to go dancing? It’s TURTLE TIIIIME!!!”

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“Brrrrr! It’s cold it here! Where’s that bitch, Kim Zolciak? She said she was gonna bring me some cocoa.”

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“This horse fills up my love tank. Plus, it works. I’m just saying. It knows how to keep a job, and I’m sorry, volcano, YOU DON’T GO TO AN OFFICE!”

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“Jill Zarin is in high school! She is a MEAN GIRL, and while she is in high school, I AM IN A VOLCANIC DUST CLOUD!!!”

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“HIIIIEEEEEEE, car! BYYYEEEEEEE, car!”

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“Whoa… how did I get up here?”

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“Frank and I just got evicted. But good news. We’re buying the volcano!”

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“BAM! It’s a volcanic ash cloud!”

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“This is what I call Volcano Christine Beauté.”

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“Sadly, Slade and I broke up. He started dating the volcano when it got more press.”

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“Welcome to chapter one of my new book, The Skinny Girl’s Guide To Covering Things in Ash.”

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“Excuse me, do you know if this road leads to MONEY? I think I may have gotten lost. Turns out my map wasn’t a map at all. It was just more MONEY.”

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“A whole summer went by, and not ONCE did this waterfall call Bawwwby. Not once! I’ll tell YOU who needs a new hobby: this natural phenomenon!”

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“I don’t like like this volcano one bit. It’s been a pain in the bubbies for the whole world.”

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“I MEAN, YOU CLOSED DOWN INTERNATIONAL TRAVEL OVER EUROPE NOT ONCE, BUT TWICE!?!?!?”

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“PROSTITUTION WHORE VOLCANO!!!!”

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“Horses, just stop. Stop. Stop. You’re being creepy. And that in turn in gross. Are you EVEN horse chefs? No. You’re cooks.”

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“No one cares about you, horses! Just stop!”

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“Look at that volcano. I wonder if they sometimes call it Tamra. You know, because it’s HOT. Like ME. True story: the FAA has to divert air traffic around my head because they think I’m a VOLCANO. Because I’m so HOT. And when I get on a plane, they have to ground it because they think a VOLCANO has just boarded. But I have to tell them no, I’m not a volcano, even though I’m just as HOT.”

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“You know what you did, ash-covered horse. YOU KNOW WHAT YOU DID!”

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“Well, you know, volcanoes WILL have their drama. I just — [sweeping bangs away] — want to see some Hooters girls. Is that so wrong?”

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“Hello. Welcome to my volcano. I call it, Volcano by Volcanoeé.”

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“WELL LET ME TELL YOU about these workers. They’re gonna slave all night, and for what? This house will never be pretty again, no matter how many trainers it sees, and its husband will leave it, and eventually a pyroclastic flow will destroy it anyway. Not to be a downer or anything.”

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“I hope these men don’t board up this garage. Where else am I gonna park the volcano’s BRAND NEW RANGE ROVER!!! SURPRISE!!!”

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“Now make me pregnant, Eyjafjallajokull!”

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“D-Don’t be tardy for the debilitating volcanic ash cloud party, whoaa whoaaaa…”

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“BRIELLE! BRIELLE!! The cows are runnin’ up momma’s skirt. Get me a glass of Chardonnay. BRIEEEELLLLE!!!!”

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“Would you believe the volcano called me a snake? The nasty mouth on that one! I mean, ME? A snake? JE CROIS PAS!”

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“Where is this man running off to? Did he find MONEY?”

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“How you gonna have a baggage claim with no baggage?”

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“Excuse me, volcano, but this pilot and I have a message for you. In fact, it’s a delivery. And it states the following… are you ready? Because here it comes. I must deliver this. It is my duty. Please prepare yourself. The message is forthcoming… Here it comes. I’m getting closer. Do you need a glass of water first? No? Okay. Then the message is… as stated… that… the world is DONE with you.”

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“Oh gawd. If Lexi is anywhere near the lip of that volcano, I’m gonna cry.”

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“Oh hi, everyone. You’re just in time for Volcanos & Dialogue.”

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“Excuse me, we’re trying to evacuate. You’re in our way, and it’s very rude. No, you know what it is? It’s DÉCLASSÉ. That’s what it is. Déclassé. Sorry! It’s déclassé. Mario, roll up the window.”
“Honey, I told you countless times that I already–“

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LuAnn: “Well that was uncalled for, my love.”
Ramona: “What?”
LuAnn: “Your driver. He called me Countless.”
Ramona: “He was talking about something else.”
Mario: “Listen, LuAnn, we have to go.”
“Excuse me, it’s Mrs. Delesseps.”
Ramona: “This is Mario. Not some driver.”
“Like Mario would ever wear goggles [insert haughty Countess laugh].”
Ramona: “LuAnn, I love you, but we have to leave. There’s a volcano.”
LuAnn: “A volcano? Across the Atlantic from the Cancer Society?? Not across the Atlantic from the Cancer Society!! NEVER ACROSS THE ATLANTIC FROM THE CANCER SOCIETY!!”

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“There are only TWO truths about this volcano. It’s in Iceland, and it once got arrested. Pay attention, PUH-LEASE!!”

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“BAM! It’s a puddle of mud!”

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“HAAAAAAY everyone! On the next Watch What Happens Live! we have Eyjafjallajokuuuuuuuuull!!!! Right here!!! It’s gonna be great!”

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“Andy, why haven’t you started to sweat yet? It’s bad enough when you’re under the studio lights. Now you’re next to me AND my volcano, or as I like to call us: HOT SQUARED! Because we’re so HOT.”

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“Let me tell you a something about volcanoes. They are very dangerous, and if you hang out with volcanoes, you start to smell like volcano!”

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“Hey y’all. It’s time for me to reveal something. This volcano IS Big Daddy. Eyjafjallajokull bought me this dress. BRIELLLE! BRIELLE!!! Come say hi to Big Daddy! And bring momma her Parliaments! BRIELLE!!!!”

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“What’s that? This volcano is a sugar daddy? Is it by chance erupting with MONEY? I flew all the way over here as soon as I heard, but I had some trouble flying as my airplane was made purely of MONEY.”

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“GUYS, just stop. STOP. It’s creepy, okay? You’re making lemonade out of volcano lemons.”

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“BAM! It’s an improper metaphor!”

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“Well, you know, volcanoes WILL BE volcanoes. Now who wants to DO ME?”

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“Did somebody make a sexual overture? I remember making love to a young Winston Churchill on the foothills of Mt. Krakatoa. Our bodies became one that day, and I too knew the power of nature as Winston ravished me with his very own man volcano. Afterwards, we ate pistachios and discussed Scottish tea kettles.”

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“Are we talking of romance? I have a new song on the subject. It’s called ‘Bonjour. Au revoir.’ 3-2-1…
When you see a man across the room you grab his hand and think of spoons
Because a spoon is something a lady uses
And a dirty glass she oft refuses.
Text messages are for the bawdy, and exposed bras are often tawdry
But I will not keep away my smile
When a gentleman likes marble tile.
Bonjour. Au revoir.
Bonjour. Au revoir.

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“A flawless execution with the sort of exquisite conviction that makes me want to jump into my pajamas and make love to the concept of music. One and a half stars.”

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“Excuse me, I’m trying to listen to NPR.”

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“And I’m trying to prepare for my new show, Top Chef: Just–“

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“And I’M listening to NPR.”

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“This week’s Mazel goes to… Me!! Wow!”

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“Everyone get back to work. Who cares about a volcano? It’s FUCKING FASHION WEEK!!!!”

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23 thoughts on “The ‘Real Housewives’ Head To The Volcano!

  1. Funniest blog ever. EVER. This was the perfect thing for me to read after a rough Monday. BSide, you simply must, must, must send some of your work over to Andy at BravoTV. This volcano posting would be a great tension relieving clip to play during the reunion.

  2. OMG!! ROTFLMAO!!!

    THE funniest thing ever. That was the best start to my morning in months, thank you!

  3. That was fantastic – I loved Teresa yelling at the volcano but then to have Kelly Cutrone pop up at the end was amazing! Keep up the good work B!

  4. I seriously think that you might have been touched by the hand of a GOD because there is no other way to explain how incredibly funny you are. Ugh the housewives have some horrible taste in clothing- all those awful, early 90’s, satin dresses, so not fetch. Kelly Cutrone is the icing on everyone’s cake- she truly is the straw that stirs the drink. Not that Sonja Morgan chic.

    • I intended to write you the llttie bit of remark to finally give thanks yet again with the unique secrets you have provided in this article. It was really seriously open-handed with people like you to present unhampered exactly what a lot of people could possibly have marketed as an e-book in making some bucks for themselves, notably now that you might have done it if you decided. Those concepts also worked like a great way to fully grasp that someone else have similar keenness just as my personal own to find out a good deal more when it comes to this matter. I know there are millions of more pleasant instances up front for folks who look over your blog.

  5. I will tell you which one I liked. It is coming. I really must tell this to you. Pay attention. Seriously.OK, the one I liked is… can you guess, you can’t guess can you? So I will tell you. Now. I will. What I am trying to say is…

    B-Side, I can never be as funny as you, but thanks for the laughs!

  6. OMG. This is amazing. I am going to read this like 10 times. Lynn is my FAV one on here.

  7. Too funny! But I think Sonja’s caption should have been ‘I smell cat pee’.

  8. B-side, your photocaps are the best…so funny sometimes that I cry from laughing so hard…love love love your blog!!

  9. You know I don’t even watch these shows but I don’t need to–your photocaps are enough! In fact, I like that I have a completely skewed sense of what The Real Housewives of Such and Such is about because of it. In my mind, it’s about catty, overly-tanned women who travel to space and hang out with fiery volcanoes.

  10. What did you eat the night before? This was really, really funny.
    LMBWO.

  11. Best photo recap Eh-Vuh! I needed a laugh, and I got about 20. Thank you!

  12. OMG!!! I cant believe I came across this web site!! Its the best thing since sliced bread. So. so funny. I almost peed my pants!!! My hubby thinks Im nuts, but I dont care…. this stuff is priceless.

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