The big news on this week’s episode of The Hills is that Kristin’s newest, biggest enemy is a cougar with a California drawl and a penchant for trespassing. Allegedly. And technically the girl isn’t a cougar. She just plays one on TV. I’m talking about Allie Lutz, a blonde mason jar of a girl who made an unexpected arrival at Stephanie Pratt’s birthday (notably absent: Heidi and Spencer, who were thankfully MIA the entire episode for the third week in a row). Sporting tacky lipstick and a persnickety attitude, Allie did little to win over any new fans, and my goodness, she had an annoying voice, even for Hills standards.
Well, Kristin and Allie got into it at the bar, with Kristin accusing her rival of having broken into Brody’s house. Of course, Allie denied all charges, and I was inclined to believe her. After all, since when do cougars climb through windows? Clearly too many threats to the fake nails and Juicy Couture sweatsuits. Oh, but that’s right. Allie’s not 47. I have to keep reminding myself of that. Luckily, I wasn’t the only one picking up on her aging-pornstar appearance. The other girls at the bar agreed that Allie looked like a washed up stripper, and all kidding aside, I really did think at first she was some mid-level personality from the adult entertainment industry. However, she wasn’t. She merely dressed like one. And poor, sweet McKaela was stuck with her, not realizing she had committed a crazy party foul by bringing this daffy trollop to the party. Bitch can’t catch a break.
Ultimately, McKaela and Kristin wound up hashing things out about Allie and Brody, with the Kristin informing the ingenue that if she kept bringing A-Lutz around, there were gonna be problems. Kristin was also happy to pop McKaela’s bubble when she theorized that the only reason why Brody had ever whispered sweet nothings in her ear was because — SHOCKER — he wanted to have sex with her. Too bad he was still knocking boots with Kristin. Woops.
As for the rest of the episode, there was some forgettable patter between Audrina, Ryan, and Justin Bobby, but as you can imagine, the extreme douchiness of these scenes forced my ear canals to swell shut and block out all auditory input. Funny how that happens. Nevertheless, not an exciting subplot. Heck, not an exciting episode (minus the Allie junk, which looks like the makings of a wonderfully campy rivalry). Hence the short recap.
Photos after the jump…
“Hmmm… I’m not sure if I like this look. Could you make it, I don’t know, BITCHIER?”
“Hey, did anyone else just realize how nice life is without Heidi and Spencer?”
“Guuuurl, I’m not black, but if I were, I’d be doing my best JackÃ©e right now.”
Brody: “I feel so ruh-laahhhhxed with my llllllaaaaaydy.”
Kristin: “Um, Allie, you’re a bitch, and you broke into Brody’s home.”
“Excuse me, but since when does scaling a fence, breaking a window, and climbing into Brody’s bedroom while he’s sleeping count as ‘breaking in?'”
Kristin: “You’re a fucking psycho bitch.”
“Well I’m SORRY if I trespassed, but I needed to find my Spanx!”
“Brody, what’s going on? Don’t you like my generally pleasant qualities?”
“Hello, I’d like to speak with a doctor. My head fell off my neck.”
“So like yeeeeeah, you can’t trust Kristin. You need good people in your life. Like me. Now if you’ll excuse me, I have some acid-washed jeans to put on. It’s Whitesnake night down at the Sizzler.”
“Audrina, I want you to be honest with me. On a scale of 1 to 10, how awesome is my hair?”
“Poor, dumb McKaela. She thought she could get famous by joining our cast, but the joke’s on her because we’re cancelled, BITCHES!!!!”
“You know, Justin Bobby, when I see your greasy hair, your shirt stained with gutter fluids and pavement oil, and your pants frayed from walking mindlessly in the middle of the night with only one tattered shoe, I think to myself… HOTT!”
“That guy Ryan has dumb hair. I’m gonna call him Spike. He looks like an idiot. Unlike me, who never looks dumb. Ever.”
“McKaela, you can’t bring Allie Lutz around anymore. We only have room for one cougar on this show, and that’s Brody’s mom.”
What did you think about the episode?