HILLS PHOTOCAP: When Idiots Attack

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I’m starting to feel a little sad about something. Out of nowhere, The Hills has become good again, but alas, it’s getting the ax. Such a sad fate for a once mighty show. To be fair, it’s downfall was its own doing. The show began to focus too much on the dolts and douchebags of Hollywood, rather than the girly girl crap that once made it so proud. Remember the days of Lauren and Heidi rifting as friends? Their arguments on the sofa? Their seething attacks? Their occasional negligence of Ashes the cat? Back then, the show was about girls bonding with girls and getting mad at each other (ie. Jen Bunney).

It seems as though The Hills has gotten back somewhat to its former place. Maybe the sudden disappearance of Speidi has something to do with it. Or maybe it’s that the “new cast” with Kristin at its helm has finally gelled. Stephanie has become oddly winsome lately, and her sweet romance with Max, who earns the title of first non-douchebag male suitor to appear on The Hills, has been shockingly charming. There’s something about her hangdog face and his smiley smile that makes me want these two to get together. Plus, he brought her Girl Scout Cookies. Bonus points there.

We also have McKaela Line, the sweet innocent girl who has sadly fallen in love with Brody Jenner, one of the more self-absorbed people on the show. Everything had been fine and wonderful until Kristin showed up as a cockblocker. But what a cockblocker she is. Kristin is the bitch this show needs, and her big dog to McKaela’s quivering bunny (am I mixing metaphors) is a great dynamic. Throw in this trashy new idiot Allie Lutz, and we suddenly have a dynamic worth watching (with The Brodester stuck in the middle). Their latest fight (at the Nylon Young Hollywood party that Whitney Port and Kelly Cutrone were at but never seen — sorry, no City crossover) was pure trash in the best kind of way.

Quite frankly, the only thing bogging down the show these days is Audrina. She ups the douchebag ratio tenfold, thanks to the hobos she lets into her vagina. Examples A & B: Ryan Cabrera and Justin Bobby. It’s not fun watching these tools, and yet here we are again, enduring another season of Audrina contemplating whether or not to go back to Justin Bobby. This thread is so beyond tired, it’s not even funny. We didn’t really love it the first time around, but now that we’re in the fifth iteration of this nonsense, I’m starting to feel insulted. It’s about high time Audrina lived up to her promise of leaving the show (but I suppose it’s all moot since MTV is pulling the plug anyway).

Oh well. On to the photocap.

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“Do you like this shirt? I got it in Boca Raton. I was visiting Ye Olde Candy Cane shop.”

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“I can bend my wrist thiiiiis far forward. Isn’t that cool?”

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“Well, as long as we’re sharing, I should reveal that I am the bizarre love child of Jack Johnson and Taylor Lautner.”

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“I’m actually sleeping with my eyes open right now.”

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“Sometimes I like to nestle in with my pillows and pretend like they’re clouds and I’m a Care Bear.”

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“I’m sorry, I can’t be here at Ryan’s concert. It’s making me cry.”
“Too many memories?”
“No. The music is just REALLY bad.”

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“High five.”
“Ryan, not now.”
“High five, bro.”
“I’m not your ‘bro.'”
“HIGH FIVE!!!”
“Ugh, you’re the worst.”

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“Hey, is that a pile of feces? Mind if I roll around in it?”

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Audrina: “Isn’t it funny the way Justin Bobby keeps popping up unexpectedly? And after so many months of him NOT popping up, too!”
“It’s almost as if there are producers telling him to appear places.”
“That’s just crazy talk.”

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“Really? Is this really all the producers can have me do? SHOPPING FOR PRODUCE? C’mon!”

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Brody: “Um, none of my friends like your friend; so you should leave. I don’t want you in my laaaaahfe.”
McKaela: “Are we in high school?”
Kristin: “Kind of. Yeah.”
Brody: “Lllaaaaay-ter.”

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“Okaaayyyyyy, Kristinnnnn, you need to calm downnnnn.”
“No, you slut. Get out of here.”
“Okaaaayyyyy, Kristinnnnnn, I’m just trying to have a mature conversationnnnnnnn.”
“You look like a cougar.”
“Okaaaayyyy, Kristinnnnnnnn, that was uncalled forrrrrr.”
“You are trash.”
“Okayyyyyyy, Kristinnnnnn, I’m not trashhhhh. You’re trashhhhh. Okaaaayyyyy?”

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“Why are my friends so crazy? I’m too pleasant for this.”

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“I’m the only cougar around here.”

What did you think about the episode?

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7 thoughts on “HILLS PHOTOCAP: When Idiots Attack

  1. Haha! I’ve never been the first to comment on an article so I’ve never seen the “No comments. This is awkward.” Thing. And I realize as I’m typing this, I’m sort of one of those a-holes who says “first.” That’s not my intent. I just wanted to address the laugh I had…

    First, I’m so sick of Justin Bobby. And Audrina. And Ryan. And his hair. And his tight pants. They’re hopefully eliminating and possibility of any future Ryans, but still. Cut the storyline. Give me more Lo.

    Poor Stephanie. Lo told you on your first date to keep it light (when she was dying to spill all her drama and sabotage the date before it started). So, this time, without guidance, she did just that. If dude calls her, I’ll be surprised. Part of me thinks she WANTED to mess it up. Probably before she fell for him and he dumped her. And why does she keep acting like no one knows anything about her life. Has she not realized this show is on national TV?

    Does anyone else get the feeling that McKaela doesn’t know Allie? It seems like they aren’t friends, but rather smashed together by producers to double up the drama of the storyline. They probably said, “If you pretend she’s your friend, we’ll tell you where Brody is.” Because aside from me feeling like that friendship is a ploy, I do think she’s a real life stalker. Any girl with a little dignity and a normal amount of crazy doesn’t keep coming around when a dude says, “Deuces.”

    I don’t miss Speidi. I think the show’s taken a turn for the best without them.

  2. Did you not DIE when Ryan Cabrera played “On The Way Down”? I mean, come on! I swear he played that for Ashlee Simpson on the last reality show he was on. Has the douche really not written a song since ’01?

  3. I read somewhere there are rumors they are setting Allie up for her own reality show. Tell me this isn’t true. Her voice grates on my nerves. I had to mute her when watching this episode.

    I’d rather Kristin have a new spinoff. Or my personal favorite, Lo.

    I feel like with the almost-restructuring of the college conferences, maybe MTV should restructure The Hills for the most profitable grouping, and send the rest (Audrina, Justin, et. all) to Conference USA….

  4. I seriously thought Audrina started crying when he started singing that song because she thought he was going to sing a song he wrote for her, not Ashlee. I guess I don’t understand why she was crying so maybe that was the reason!

  5. The producers told Audrina: “Wipe that insipid smile off of your face or you’re out!”. Ergo, she actually changed expressions for the first time in the histry of The Hills. She actually has tear ducts and a mouth expression that doesn’t expose all of her too perfectly white teeth. Bravo!
    Oh wait, this is MTV, not Bravo…….

  6. Didn’t you get in a fight with a lady on a plane who was wearing a candy stripe sweater? (I’m too lazy to look back to find her name. Darlene. Or Sandy. Or something.) Jeesh, what is it with you and the candy cane sweaters?

  7. The Hills is NOTHING without lauren she made it, I still perfer to watch old episodes with lauren because those are the best.

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