REAL HOUSEWIVES PHOTOCAP: And Now It’s Over

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And just like that, the third fantastic season of The Real Housewives of New York City is over. Months of fighting, bickering, and getting drunk have drawn to a close, and yet I still feel little resolution. Of course, what’s worse is that we now have to wait about ten months to see these women again, and one can only imagine what will happen between now and then.

The real question is whether or not Bethenny and Jill will be able to truly bury the hatchet. The two women certainly made major inroads in the finale as they aired out their issues in a mature and tearful way. Jill, for once, owned up to her role in the rift, and Bethenny seemed appreciative, but then privately in an interview, she grumbled that Jill was only mending things because the tables had turned on her. I didn’t actually see what was wrong with that, though. After all, why shouldn’t Jill make amends? She’s realized that everyone has an issue with her, and that apparently caused some introspection. To be honest, it seemed like Jill truly was trying to get over herself, and by forty-five minutes into the show, I thought our old, lovable Jill Zarin was back. But then she complained about the lack of hors d’oeuvres at Ramona’s “wedding” reception, and we remembered that Jill still has quite a ways to go before she’s back in our good graces.

As for the rest of the gang, not much happened in this finale. Sonja flittered about as usual, managing to insult Kelly to her face without the model even realizing it (viz. Sonja declaring that the day after Kelly left Ramona’s trip, the group was FINALLY able to get some R&R). Perhaps my favorite Sonja tidbit of the night (and there were many) was learning in the epilogue that she was busy penning a “sexy society” novel, whatever that means. Can’t say it makes sense to me, but I certainly would like to read it.

Meanwhile, Ramona finally renewed her vows, but not before some jittery, pre-ceremony antics. First she lost her speech about a dozen times in a row. Then she had to tame her daughter, who was concerned about carrying a bouquet and the dog down a staircase. When Ramona tried to convince her that everything would be okay, Avery snapped back, “Safety first!” Usually such statements are reserved for highway driving or bandsaw operating, but hey, I guess a marriage renewal works too.

Certainly not safe this episode was Simon, who played fast and loose with his formalwear. His shirt was a plaid explosion — a stiff grid of blue and white that made him look not unlike the base of an office paper cutter. As for his pants, well, there were none. Simon opted to rock a kilt, which made little sense, nor did it particularly match his Battleship game board top. I suppose he was going for a whole Scottish thing, but this bit of multiculturalism failed immensely.

As for Kelly, she was back to squealing and being delusional. She revealed that she had never RSVP’d for Ramona’s renewals but that rather than give her the cold shoulder, Kelly would be the “bigger person AGAIN” and go. Yes, and if there’s ever been a better example of someone being the bigger person, it’s Kelly. After all, what says “bigger person” like calling someone a ho-bag or questioning someone’s professional merits or NOT RSVPING TO AN IMPORTANT EVENT? Yes, as my friend jash noted, I’m not sure one deserves a pat on the back for attending a function they were too flakey to RSVP to.

Amusingly enough, the producers gave Kelly a neat little dig at the end of the show when her on-screen update said something along the lines of “Kelly still lives in a land full of rainbows and butterflies.” Ouch.

And finally, LuAnn. Dearest LuAnn. For some reason, this Countess thinks she can sing, but let me assure you: she cannot. However, that didn’t stop her from putting on a show and performing her new song (in name only), “Elegance Is Learned.” I was really hoping to hear LuAnn croak through the tune, but alas, it seemed as though Bravo dubbed over the performance with the actual produced track, thus depriving us of what was surely two minutes of wretched yet hilarious music.

I’m sure I’ve missed much more about the finale, but quite frankly, it’s 2 AM, and I’m exhausted. I’m not sure I’m even making sense. Here are photos…

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“Is there any way I can be lowered by a rope from the ceiling into a pool with mermaids?”
“No.”
“What about if we got a big neon sign that says ‘It’s Turtle Time!'”
“That could work.”
“Great. I want that. I want the Turtle Time. It makes me feel young. It’s just, I don’t know, turtles remind me of my youth. I had a very difficult childhood, and one of the few things that brought me happiness were turtles. It’s just the way it was. Sorry, turtles bring joy. They really do.”

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Jacques: “Ma cherie, what are you looking at?”
“The stage. That’s where I plan to lose my dignity, my love.”

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Jill: “I want to hear more about Jacques. He seems just your type.”
LuAnn: “Well that was rude.”
Jill: “What? I said he was your type.”
“You just said it again. That’s twice in a row. Did you hear that, Jennifer? Jill called me a snake. Twice. Me! A snake! Would you believe the mouth on that one?”

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Kelly: “And so I called her Al Sharpton, and that’s what I did, and she was all gross and creepy about it, and so then I–“
Sonja: “I’m sorry, Kelly. I’m not actually listening to you.”

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Sonja: “Kelly, sweetie, your stories make no sense. Gummy bears are not real creatures, birds are not ‘baby airplanes,’ and Crate & Barrel is not a musical act!”

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“Okay, I’m gonna do a little improv now. I call this the LuAnn scat: ‘Bee boop bee bop… Hey baby I hear the blues a-callin’ / Tossed salad and scrambled eggs. / And maybe I seem a bit confused / yeah maybe, but i got you pegged.'”
Jill: “Is she singing the Frasier song?”

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“And now a preview of my new song, ‘Don’t Call Me Snake, My Love.'”

When you see a lady in a hat
You always must be certain that
She’s speaking only the best of you
Or else her friendship isn’t true
Because if she happens to call you ‘snake’
You must realize she is a fake
So ask her kindly to be quiet
It’s not so hard, go on and try it!

I am not a snake, pas moi!
I am not a snake, pas moi!

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Sonja: “Well, I personally thought LuAnn was HORRIBLE. Oh. LuAnn. You’re right here. How embarrassing. So anyway… you were HORRIBLE.”

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“I can’t believe I forgot to record the Lost finale. Now I’ll never know what happened. JJ ABRAMS SHOULD HAVE REMINDED ME. WHY DIDN’T HE REMIND ME?”

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“And yesterday, Ginger got stuck in a pillowcase for three hours, I thought she’d gone missing. I THOUGHT SHE WAS DEAD!!! BUT SHE WAS ONLY HIDING IN ZAAAARIN FAAAAABRICS!”

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Jill: “I’m very sorry for my part in this fight, and I just hope we can get through this.”
Bethenny: “Well, you have to do some changing. You don’t see the way you act or the way you come off.”
Jill: “Well… I’m not sure about that. But we’ll see.”
“It’s not gonna get better until you change.”
“Well, I don’t know about that. But we’ll get through this.”
“Stop saying that. It’s not gonna make it happen.”
“Well… who knows. But we’ll get through this.”
“Enough. Let’s just skip dessert and go.”
“No, I want dessert. We’ll get through this.”
“I don’t want dessert now.”
“Yes, you do. We’ll get through this.”
“Stop!”
“We’ll get through this.”

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“I came here to listen to this yenta cry? I could be at home right now, making boring patter with Jason.”

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Ramona: “You think you’re gonna cry?”
“No, mom.”
“I think I might cry.”
“Ugh.”
“I cried at the end of that movie. What was it called? The Strange Life of Benedict Bubble?”
The Curious Case of Benjamin Button, Mom.”
“Oh that’s right. I didn’t understand it. A man who grows backwards. That doesn’t happen. It’s not real. Sorry. It’s not real. If my husband ever got younger as I got older, I would tell him ‘Sorry, buddy. That’s rude.’ No, you know what that is? That’s déclassé. Sorry. Benjamin Buttons is déclassé. He is.”

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Ramona: “Hey Jill, do you recognize me? It’s Ramona. I bet you thought you were talking to Cameron Diaz. You know, because we have the same haircut. I got a haircut, you know. It’s all part of this renewal I’m going through. New hair, new outlook, new hair. Did you see I got it cut?”
Jill: “Yes, yes, yes. GIMME AN HORS D’OEUVRE ALREADY!”

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“You look like a young woman, Avery. That’s what you are. A young woman. No, a young adult. Sorry! You’re a young adult.”
“Mom, stop grabbing me. You’re gonna make me fall over in my heels. SAFETY FIRST!”

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Simon: “Hu-lllllo.”
Alex: “I was going to wear my chain-link top, but BP took it to plug the Gulf Coast oil leak. Seems to be working!”

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“Avery, look. Do you see? I’m going down a staircase, but it looks like the people in the fresco are going down a staircase too. It looks like we’re going to crash. It’s very, I don’t know, optical. It’s an optical illusion. That’s what it is. An optical illusion. Now where’s my wedding speech?”

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Ramona: “Mario farted, everyone. Did you see that, Avery? Your father farted. He farted. Avery? Did you hear me? Dad passed gas. Right here. Avery!”

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OM NOM NOM NOM.

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“I dedicate this song to Ramona in every possible way: ‘Money can’t buy you class. Money can’t buy you class. Elegance is learned, RA-MONA! Elegance is leeeeaaaaarned!”

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“Cheers to Sonja’s boobs.”
“To Sonja’s boobs!!!”
Sonja: “They’re magnificent, aren’t they?”

What did you think about the finale? Is there hope for Bethenny and Jill? And did anyone see Jill’s gay husband Brad lurking about at LuAnn’s party?

25 replies on “REAL HOUSEWIVES PHOTOCAP: And Now It’s Over”

  1. Cannot BEAR an empty comments section anymore, so i’m in even though i haven’t seen the epi yet, nor have i read this post. What am I hoping for? a deliciously bizarre last round with these girls with a bottle or two of merlot this evening after work, followed by soke quality time with Andy Cohen, followed by some guffaws here with you in interland. AND THEN (duh duh DUH!) the REUNION SHOW! Yippee!

  2. Kelly’s on screen update was magnificent!! The only thing that would have been better would be “This b*tch is still crazy”.

    Great photocap as usual B! Cant’ WAIT for the reunion! One preview shows Jill walking off, and then a small clip that Andy showed during his show has Ramona getting up and deciding she needs a glass of water while Kelly is talking about Bethany – it’s going to be awesome!

  3. I’m more sad that your photocaps of these women are coming to an end, than the show. It was a great season. I’m hoping, HOPING, someone bullies Kelly at the reunion!!!!

  4. I thought the finale was a little blah compared to the past 3 weeks.

    Loved LuAnn’s debut and Kelly with her awkward dancing, well you can add in everyone’s dancing! As soon as Jacques came on the sceen I asked my bf if he was for real. Seriously, how stereotypical was this French guy??

    Sonja continues to crack me up and I think if Bethanney leaves the show, Sonja will be able to provide the comic relief, as long as she keeps drinking. Did you see Kelly’s face when Sonja talked about the relaxation on the island after she left? It was like birds were chirping!!!

    Avery is a lil snot and if I treated/spoke to my mother the way she does when I was 15, I would have gottan a smack or 2! But I think Ramona fuels the fire by building her up, not that there is anything wrong w/that, but you don’t want to compliment your kid to the point where their head can’t fit through the door.

    Ah well, I can’t wait for the reunion, Andy Cohen showed some clips last night and boy does it look good! Might be just enough drama to last the 10 months till next season!

    1. I thought Jennifer was rocking out a little too hard for Luann’s song. It’s almost like they filmed the entire club dancing to something that actually had a beat and made you want to move (but not run away) and editted it to Money Can’t Buy You Class.

      1. I thought the same thing. No way was everyone digging that song. I’ve heard it about 50 times and never once did it make me break out and dance!

        1. I believe that the producer guy (that’s what I’m talking about!) brought all those people in and paid them to dance. That song is horrible.

  5. You are truly at your funniest at 2am. I especially loved how jill expected bethenny to forgive her over lunch but when alex came over to talk to her at ramona’s wedding, she completely dismissed her. so much for introspection.

  6. So sad that the photo-caps are ending. Stupendous as always. Kadooz! Hopefully the reunion will be a two parter and then the obligatory “lost footage” special. That should drag this out until BB starts.

    I will miss Sonja most of all. Glorious boobs & Kelly insults are my favorite things about Thursday nights.

  7. I loved Alex’s hair. She looked Renewed!
    I have to say that Mario is a HUNK of a guy. And he and Ramons really looked great together.
    Must admit: I cried when the vows were spoken. Especially when Ranons said “I love you more today than the day we were first married.”
    Yes…Jill was Jill: Kvetching about the non-appetizers (couldn’t spell h’orderves).
    I really believe that if Bethenny is smart (which she is), she will never risk her heart with this woman again. I don’t see a close re-friendship in the near or distant future. Ever.
    The only thing missing from this wedding renewal was Dina planning it. She would have fit in well there.
    NYC housewives, despite their gossipping and bickering are so much more interesting and intelligent than their NJ counterparts. And this is coming from a former Jersey girl.
    Sonia is a scream. And beautiful at that. Yes, she can easily fill in for Bethenny.
    I don’t know if anyone has noticed, but Jill’s voice and Bethenny’s voice are very similar. And both can become very annoying if listened to at length. Not so sure if “Bethenny Getting Married” will interest or capture me. I have a feeling it may be a real dud, like “9 by Design”, which I only watched once.
    Keep up your Blogs, Bside. I love them and laugh everytime you stick your 2 cent captions in. They are very “Classe” and spot on. And now, I will zip-it.

  8. Bethenny is way too intelligent to believe anything Jill said at lunch. Her comment about Jill changing a lot tells it all. Jill’s reply is even more telling. Nope, no real makeup between those two; only cool acknowledgement.. Hopefully Kelly will not return for season 4. If she does I will not be watching. Insanity is only entertaining for one season, another season of “One Flew Over the Cukoo’s Nest” will not be funny or entertaining. I only wish I could play the Nurse Ratchett part.

  9. If I ever hear “Money Can’t Buy You Class” again, I am certain that my ears will bleed. Worst song ever.

  10. Gad, but I cannot STAND that Jennifer bitch–she just RANKLES me. And it looks like she is as much a new cast member as Sonja…I don’t really know what it is about her, but it is there–she is a pissy person! And I know I’ve seen her somewhere before–like on Good Morning America or something, giving, IDK, fashion advice? or hot summer reads? or old fashioned cocktails recipes coming back into vogue? SOMETHING. Help me out here.

  11. God, I love Sonja.

    How awesome was that moment when she basically told the Countess to shut the fuck up cuz she wasn’t at Poison Island and that she always talks over everyone? The Countess had the most priceless sourpuss look after. Hehe. I think I really love her.

    And to see Jill run away from Alex was hilarious. I think most of Jill’s friends try to kiss her ass and these ladies-who-lunch all know it would be suicidal to cross her social graces. But Alex just doesn’t seem to care anymore which is why she can call Jill out. And Jill is scared shitless of her. Haha. Well, Alex IS in Brooklyn, after all.

  12. I was embarassed for the Countess. That song was horrible!
    Love the recaps! You’re very witty B-side.

  13. Oh man, love the recap! Like the commenter above, I also cried a little bit during the vows. Declasse, i know.

    I’m still a Jill fan, but the way she dissed Alex just bugged me! Come on, at least stop to hear her out! I’m sure the two could’ve mended fences (not become friends, but made peace and moved on) had she slowed down to listen to her. I think all of them need to get over themselves, life’s too short to hold a grudge.

    I cringed during Luann’s performance, that was just too painful to watch.

    Sonja is AWESOME! And so are her boobs.

  14. I have to disagree about Jill apologizing and taking responsibility. She was very careful to say she was ONLY apologizing for holding a grudge so long. She told her sister at the ice skating rink that she just wanted to “make pretend that the whole thing never happened” and that she didn’t have any interest in rehashing any of it. She then told Bethenny that she didn’t want to rehash it because it was non-productive. To be this a non-apology, fake apology. Of course she doesn’t want to rehash it because she would come out looking really bad all over again. You can’t expect someone to accept your apology and forgive them when you don’t give them the change to recount all the things you did wrong and have you take responsibility for them. There’s no way they can really get past this without rehashing, in my opinion.

    1. Touche.

      When Bethenny wanted to talk it out with Jill at Ramona’s, Jill was saying, “I felt ambushed. And I don’t even have my list.” And then she realized how petty it would look which is why later on, she didn’t want to rehash anything at all.

  15. I for one am tired of all the Bethenney & Alex love. I’m not defending Jill but I honestly don’t find her any worse than the rest of the gang.

    Bethenney — she is such a fame wh*re, constantly promoting her ridiculous Skinnygirl brand (and, for the record, I don’t care how many times she says it, tequila and a dash of lime juice is NOT a margarita — it is tequila with a dash of lime juice). Also, I am sick of her being all “nicey nice” to people’s faces & then shredding them in her confessionals. You know what that is, Ms. “I’m not fake?” It is FAKE. And Cowardly to boot. Bethenney is a typical user — Jill was fine to use for a free summer in the Hamptons & to help her get on the show in the first place when she wasn’t even a “housewife.” Now that Bethenney has her own show & has a “man” she doesn’t need Jill anymore. I don’t believe for one second that she wanted to make up with Jill except for the fact that the cameras were rolling and she wanted to look good because she has her own show starting. The entire summer went by & she didn’t try to phone Jill even when Bobby was in the hospital (which is the reason Jill was mad at her to begin with). It was only once the season started that she called her. This is a woman who is so cold that she hasn’t spoken to her mother or father for years. That says a heck of a lot about a person.
    Alex — I liked her better when she was merely a social-climbing faux-sophisticate who let her kids live in squalor while buying $10,000 “works of art” for herself to wear. Her thrill at being BFF with Bethenney and jumping on the “hate Jill” dogpile is pathetic. She enjoyed starting fights with Jill in public apropos of nothing (ie delivering the “message” and the “how dare you!”) way too much. Not to mention having a nervous breakdown merely from seeing Jill on Poison Island. And then, after all that, she actually goes up to Jill to thank her for attending Ramona’s renewal ceremony? WTF? It wasn’t her party & it wasn’t her place to do that. Of course Jill didn’t want to talk to her — the last 2 times she saw her at a party Alex bit her head off. The most unfathomable thing is, she hates Jill because she allegedly said bad things about her kids (which we never heard), so she is joining up with Bethenney & Ramona — the two people we ACTUALLY heard saying bad things about her kids. Makes no sense.
    Finally, Bethenney & Alex are just as big of gossips and backstabbers as Jill — except the main person they gossip about & backstab IS Jill, so maybe in their world that doesn’t count.
    Don’t fool yourself — Bethenney, Alex & Jill are all vile.

  16. I laughed loudly throughout so many of your photo captions. I planned on pasting my favorite in this comment but there are just too many, all so hilarious. Your best photo recap yet!

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