REAL HOUSEWIVES PHOTOCAP: Once Again, The Reunion As Told By Shot Glasses

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Bravo aired part three of its explosive Real Housewives of New York City reunion, and it continued to be an unparalleled display of Kelly’s craziness. The woman literally doesn’t make sense. Sadly, I don’t have the time to go into it right now as I’m about to disappear off the grid for several hours. In the meantime though, please enjoy this photocap of the show, once again reenacted by my shot glasses since Bravo didn’t post any new screencaps themselves.

Pics after the jump…


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“HAAAAAAAAY!!! I’m Andy Cohen!!”

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“Is it on?”

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“Sitting behind me are the Real Housewives of New York City. Welcome back, ladies!”

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Jill: “I have never been more hurt during a commercial break ever in my life. EVER.”
LuAnn: “Would you believe he took a commercial break? How nasty.”

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Sonja: “I need a drink.”
Alex: [hyperventilating] “Andy, we’ve had enough drama.”
Ramona: “I don’t feel like doing this anymore. I don’t. Sorry. I don’t feel like it. Where’s Avery?”
Bethenny: “This reunion has been going on forever. Seriously, there were dinosaurs roaming the earth when we started. Stick a prehistoric fork in me. I’m done. Kill me now. Kill me.”

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“Great. That’s great. So where’s Kelly?”

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LuAnn: “Andy, my love, she stormed out when you started talking about the Caribbean.”
Jill: “I have never been more hurt than the moment Kelly walked out on this reunion. Never. EVER.”

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Kelly: “HIIIEEEEE!!! I’m back!!!!”

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“Are you feeling better, Kelly?”

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“I feel fine. I always felt fine. I was never upset.”

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“You just stormed out.”

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“No, I didn’t.”

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“I just saw you.”

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“She’s crazy! She’s a crazy bitch! It’s like talking to Humpty Dumpty!”


“We resent that!”

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“You have to accept Kelly for who she is.”

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“I accept you, Kelly, because I was there. I SAW WHAT IT WAS LIKE. And it was the most… HURTFUL… thing… I have EVER [choking up] seen. I can’t do this, Andy! I’m very emotional!”

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“YOU HAVE NO EMOTIONS, YOU BITCH!”

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“Ugh. This one again.”

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“YES. ‘THIS ONE’ AGAIN. I’M NOT AFRAID TO VOICE MY OPINION, JILL! BY THE WAY, I don’t really hate you.”

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“Ramona, you seem a little quiet over there.”

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“Well, Andy, I’m angry. I’m very angry. I don’t like surprises, and–“

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“That’s news to me.”

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“Well, it’s true, Kelly.”

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“You were running around and talking and saying all this up and down to the side and around the circles in a bed, chattering like little girls, and I’m like oh my God, REALLY? It’s just gross. And creepy. Systematic bullying.”

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“Kelly, you’re crazy. Could you just stop talking for five seconds? PLEASE?”

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“That’s abusive. And I’m against abusive behavior against animals. And humans are animals. THEY ARE. And systematic bullying is never okay. It’s NEVER okay. HIEEEE!!!!”

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“What this girl went through — I would never wish that on my worst enemy. Well, maybe Alex.”

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“Jill, YOU are a mean girl, and YOU are in high school. And while you are in high school, I am in BROOKLYN, taking nude photos of my crotch!”

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“There it is again. The evil. I was there. You never want to see what I saw, Andy. My feelings have never been so hurt before. EVER.”

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“OHHHH please, Jill. You ruined my renewal. Because, you know, I’ve been renewed. I cut my hair — I don’t know if you noticed, but it’s like a Cameron Diaz look now. ANYWAY, you crashed the vacation, and you know what that was? It was… it was… What’s the word?”

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Jill, Kelly, LuAnn: “Déclassé.”

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“DÉCLASSÉ! That’s what it was! Sorry! You were déclassé.”

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“RAMONER, you didn’t give me a chance to not be déclassé! I FLEW ACROSS THE PLANET TO BE WITH YOU AND MAKE AMENDS. INSTEAD I HAD TO CRY FOR THREE DAYS IN THE ARMS OF BAWWWWWBY!!!! Thank goodness he was there to dab my tears with ZAAAARIN FAAAABRICS.”

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Ramona: “YOU SHOULD HAVE APOLOGIZED!”
Jill: “YOU DIDN’T GIVE ME A CHANCE!”
Ramona: “YOU DIDN’T LOOK FOR A CHANCE!!”
Jill: “I COULDN’T LOOK FOR A CHANCE BECAUSE I HAD TEARS IN MY EYES. YOU HURT ME SO MUCH!!!”

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“AND YOU RUINED MY PEDICURE!”

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[hyperventilating] “We’ve had… enough… drama…”

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“DID YOU HEAR ME, JILL? WE’VE HAD ENOUGH DRAMA!!!”

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“But I don’t hate you. Why would you say that?”

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“Typical.”

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“What was that, Kelly?”

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“Typical that she’d use the word ‘hate.’ I don’t use that word. I don’t know what it is. I hate the word.”

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“You just USED it, you MORON! Kill me now. Seriously. Stick a knife in me. Kill me now.”

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“I use a lot of words, Bethenny. That’s what makes me human. And now I love the word ‘hate.'”

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Sonja: “But you just said you hated the word.”

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“I’m full of contradictions. I like something one moment. I dislike it another moment. For instance, you know what word I hate? HATE.”

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“I can’t do this, Andy.”

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“Is there a problem?”

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“The Jews, that’s for sure.”

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“Excuse me?”

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“Well, I have no problem with the Jews. But my ex… well… let’s just say, he’s still a touch bitter about the Dreyfus Affair.”

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“You had an affair with Richard Dreyfus?”

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“I knew it!”

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“I do not comment on my marriage.”

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“I respect that.”

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“Did Bethenny just call me a snake? She did, didn’t she? Would you believe that? ME! A snake! How nasty!”

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“LuAnn, let’s talk about your love life.”

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“Can I have a hug?”

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“IT’S NOT YOUR TURN TO SPEAK, YOU BITCH!!!”

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“Oh look, here comes Coerte now!”

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Coerte: “Hello, Countess. You have me tickled pink, and I bet I can think of one pink thing I’d like to tickle right now. MMMMWWWAHAHAHAHAHA. Slurp.”

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“I would never tickle someone. Ever.”

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“If you tickle someone, you call them first.”

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“You don’t just show up and tickle!”

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“YOU CAN’T JUST START TICKLING AND EXPECT PEOPLE TO EMBRACE IT!”
Jil: “You didn’t give me a CHANCE to TICKLE!!!”

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“Systematic tickling is never okay.”

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“Oh God. Get a room, LuAnn.”

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“Nom nom nom nom.”

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“They’re unpredictable. And unpredictable people are dangerous.”

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“Unpredictable… you mean like contradicting your statements every two minutes? That kind of unpredictable?”

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“Don’t be creepy, Al Sharpton.”

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“I’m just trying to clarify this.”

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??

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“HIIIEEEE!!!”

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“I have never been more hurt by a clarification in my life. NEVER!!!”

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“Can I have a hug?”

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“Kelly, why did you do Playboy?”

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“May I finish?”

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“You haven’t started.”

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“Thank you. Well, I chose to do Playboy to prove to my girls that if you live a healthy lifestyle, you can look amazing at 41 — EVEN if your boobs are different shapes and sizes.”

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Sonja: “I love boobs! Kelly is still crazy though.”

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“Hug?”

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“Hug? Anyone?”

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Coerte: “I think Jill’s angling for a threesome.”
LuAnn: “A threesome? Not near the Cancer Society! NEVER a threesome by the Cancer Society!”

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“I want to go home. I’m sorry. I want to go. I love you Andy, I love all you girls, but I need to go home.”

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“Seriously, we’ve beaten this to death. And I’m getting scoliosis from my dress.”

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“Okay… well… I guess that’s it. Thanks everyone! BYE!!!!!!! [goofy wave]”

What did you think about the reunion?

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44 thoughts on “REAL HOUSEWIVES PHOTOCAP: Once Again, The Reunion As Told By Shot Glasses

  1. I have been reading your stuff for years, but have always been too lazy to comment before today… Thank you for this photocap – this was just what I needed after a crappy start to the morning. I couldn’t stop laughing. Particularly at sweaty Andy :)

  2. That is the funny shit ever. The different shapes & sizes boob comment was great. The whole thing last night was like watching a train wreck. You’ve definitely captured the craziness in your shot glasses.

  3. LUV LUV LUV it! Spot on buddy. Kelly …………….wow……I just wish he would have bullied her into actually answering the questions instead of focusing everything on Jill the entire 3 parts. I am waiting for the pictures of her clubbing a baby seal while wearing its brothers pelt and saying she supports peta all the way with a handful of gummy bears and patron shots.

  4. Somewhere in the middle of this, I started picturing you lying on the floor snapping pictures like a stop-motion/claymation movie, while writing quotes in between. Bwaahaahaaa!

  5. Loved the appearance of smelly Coerte and Andy’s sweat rag. Excellent start to the weekend, thanks.

  6. Ok, first off, I love the shot glasses idea. Can we keep these for next season? Maybe change Kelly to different glasses each week because we know nothing about her and she like beer, but doesn’t like to drink, she doesn’t like processed foods but gummie bears! OOOOOhhhhh maybe Kelly can be a lollipop one week, gummie bear the next, beer the next, and so on and so on. That chick is just crazy, bat s%^t crazy.

    Second-Jill is still ridiculous, bashing when ever she can, no matter who she crushes. when Ramona was talking about the ladies being uncomfortable when Jill showed up and Alex started hyperventilating Jill turned to LuAnn and mocked Alex! She’s a very petty, mean spirited person and it sucks cause I liked her in the past.

    My favorite part of this episode was in the beginning when Kelly walked off and Bethanney was spewing those zingers. The Countess was laughing and trying very hard to keep it in. I was shocked, not very elegant at all, but very funny. I loved it!!!

    I will miss these women very much, but at least we got the NY Post (Page Six) to keep us up to date on what they’re doing.

    BTW, Page Six this week stated that an “Bravo insider (aka Jill Zarin I bet)” soilled the beans that Bethanney won’t be back next season (kinda knew that) but that Alex and Simon won’t be either! I truely hope not, but this does sound like Jill planting stories to Systematic bully those two off the show!

  7. Love Andy’s glass, and all the shvitzing its doing too f-ing funny

    more photocaps w/shot glasses please.

  8. Just got in trouble for laughing at work…HI-Larious!!! Great photocap, B-Side! I second the idea for keeping the shot glasses for next season.

  9. What is Alex supposed to be? I can’t figure it out. Last week I thought it looked like a shoe — this week it looks like a broken something.

  10. I believe you have outdone yourself, my love.
    I have tears in my eyes from laughing. And tears in my eyes also because this was the most painful recap I have ever had to get through. I’m so done.
    Can I have a hug now, darling?

  11. I caught the tail of Watch What Happens live, or whatever it’s called. Anyway, I saw his Mazel of the week and all it said was that Ben won and the picture they had for him was a smiley face JUST like the shot glass you used for Andy. I was completely convinced you won just for your stellar shot glass photocap for part two of the reunion. Sadly though, Ben is some 13 year old who is obsessed with the Housewives and is trying to whore out his baby sister for play dates with Bethenny. True story.

  12. Brilliant! You nailed the craziness! I wish it were Kelly who was leaving. I can’t stand her. I really wished Andy would have nailed Kelly. They spent way too much time on Jill and not enough on asking Kelly what the hell is the matter with her. She thinks she is so funny too. UGH! Go away crazy ass bitch.

  13. Best line: “A threesome? Not near the Cancer Society! NEVER a threesome by the Cancer Society!”

    Love it! I really wish Andy would have asked Kelly what she meant by Al Sharpton. I am dying to hear her explanation-type-response to that one.

    • I hate to think I can even follow Kelly’s logic, but the only way I could make any sense of it whatsoever was this:

      Bethenny had just done a Jack Nicholson line (“You can’t handle the truth”) and I think Kelly recognized she should know the line, but then misattributed it to Al Sharpton. Then I think she confused Al Sharpton with Don King and that’s where the comment about the hair came in.

      Again, it’s sad that my brain can even do the Olympian level contortions necessary to make sense of it… if (and it’s a big if) I’m even close.

      Back on topic: This photo recap is HYSTERICAL!

      • Jen B., I think your Olympian level brain contortions are right on! You should be “proud” (is that the right word???) of your crazy-talk interpretation skills :-)

  14. OMG I am soo glad I found this. What a hoot- For a moment I feared being incontinent before the ending.. lmao!

    I would love to see a new installment each day!

    I agree w/Dori, above, I am also curious as to what Kelly’s explanation of calling Bethenny Al Sharpton would have been,
    AS WELL as Sonja’s repetitive exclamations that Kelly’s bedroom smelled of “cat pee”; and then WTH Kelly’s “satchels of gold” comment was in reference to. Being a fan of a certain “energy” drink..I have had friends complain that they have a distinct cat urine smell. if Kelly had a case of these drinks in her room, they would EACH have to be open to have a smell that noticeable. One would assume that if Kelly consumes these drinks, we would have seen her with one at some point in time.

    (Anyone who may have previous posted/explained the answers to these pressing issues, I apologize. However, I would love to be enlightened as well.)

    With all the “chatter” circulating as to how Jen Gilbert was “left out” of the reunion and denied camera time…whatever. A lone shot glass “off camera” could have paid homage to Jen.. ;)

    Thanks again for a great laugh!

  15. Please tell us what Alex is.. it was weird last week and just creeped me out this week. She really looks like she has some kind of toe fungus ……. but she also looks like a cross between a whistle and a broken caster for a chair.

  16. super funny! I think I saw that Coerte went to Dartmouth? So sorry, B!
    I am guessing that Alex is a wine bottle opener thingy or a wine bottle cap whoosawhatsy? Can we get prizes if we guess the right gadget?

  17. Nevermind what represents Alex here (no, don’t nevermind–inquiring minds long to know!, but put it on hold a minute); I just finally figured out who she reminds me of–Is she not the reincarnation of Elizabeth-freakin’-Montgomery?! I kept expecting here to twitch her nose and banish Jill to Outer Slobovia or some such…

  18. Truly hilarious. The best part of the night was the promo for next week’s LOST FOOTAGE! Will we see Scary Island in its entirety. Also, do you suppose it was Sam Talbot who fed Kelly all the nonsense about B being a cook not a chef? He cooked (ahem, chefed) at her house in one episode last season, and I think they dated. Am I way behind on that theory?

  19. You have really captured the non-stop narcissism of Jill. [“Hug?” “I was never so offended . . .”]

    I hope Bravo is trolling this site and others to see how much the “fans” hate Jill and want her removed from the premises. [Or at least Andy could lock the door behind her when she dramatically stalks out.]

    Jill is so mean and self-centered that she’s unable to have interactions with others — unless it’s to berate them for not bowing down to salute her greatness. And this gets quite old all too soon.

    Jill – get rid of her to spare us
    Kelly – get rid of her to spare her kids

  20. All I have to say is this: Who knew that viewing a spoof of the Real Housewives of NYC Reunion could be not only freaking entertaining, but also educational?!?! I just looked up the “Dreyfus Affair” on Wikipedia. Interesting reference, but I’m the only one who was like, “HUH????” at first. I’m still confused though…is LuAnn’s ex, Alex, a Dreyfusard or anti-Dreyfusard??? I’m guessing he’s an anti-Dreyfusard since he seems to be an anti-Semite…Anyway, thank god for this spoof, and thank god for Wikipedia.

  21. Pre-Housewives, I think Kelly (who we can all probably agree is a very pretty woman) has so many people pander to her and fawn over her, being a model, a Hamptons resident, etc., etc. She can easily form how she would like people to perceive her through her infamous declarations (“I only eat non-processed foods”, “I’m so shy”, “I’m just a girl who likes to drive trucks”)—things that seem so trivial but things that she wanted to reinforce her contrived image.

    In normal social circumstances, people have previously taken her statements at face-value and she loved this image she was painting as the glamorous, natural, former model.

    But the BIG problem she faces now is that being on a show like this, all her contradictions are exposed. She is no longer able to just make these sweeping statements and you can clearly see her frustration that she’s lost control of the image she’s projected. Unfortunately for her, she’s in a show with 6 other woman who are none to shy about exposing her self-serving contradictions.

    Kelly’s problem: she’s a BIG phony. Losing control over her image and the beautiful picture she’s so easily painted before has led to her breakdown.

    Oh well…her crazies were a big part of what made this season so fun. Hehe. I don’t mean to be so hard on her. But Kellster, be true to yourself and it won’t be so important how people perceive you to be. :-)

    • I totally agree with you!!! Other theory: she has narcissistic personality disorder, I WebMDed it and became convinced Kelly has it…….

    • Jose nailed it. It’s easy for models to just give off soundbites to create an image. (“I only eat fruit until noon” “I eat big macs and I never work out” “I sleep in an isolation tank with my catfish Gary to preserve my youthful skin”). When that is accompanied by a reality show that shows otherwise you just come off as a big fat contradiction.

      Maybe it’s her personality or her hypocrisy or her stupidity but it makes her NOT a pretty woman to me. She just looks like the hunchback of sasquatch central constantly running her giant brown hands with giant knuckles into her frizzy hair and pulling it forward. Unattractive.

  22. love the shot glass recaps! besides that, i just really don’t like alex. she just seems like such a bandwagoneer. if jill and bethenny make up, alex will be the first one in line to suck up to jill. i kept seeing her talking on the reunion, but it was as if, no one cared what she had to say. i couldn’t even hear what she was saying but her jaw was always flapping! it was creepy too, how she was pawing all over sonya. she’s just icky.
    kelly, poor kelly. i can’t say i didn’t understand what she was talking about (except the al sharpton stuff, huh, whut?) but i still feel sorry for her. she just doesnt realize that she is the one who starts hurling the insults and when the others start to defend themselves, it turns into “systematic bullying” of kelly. crazy ass bitch that i love!
    i still think jill is numero uno and the rest are just jealous of her bc she is awesome!

  23. Jose’s comment reminded me of a quote from Breakfast at Tiffany’s when Mr. Berman and Paul are talking about Holly. That she’s a phony, but she’s a REAL phony. ;)

  24. The whole thing is hysterical, but my favorite part is where Corte is represented by garlic. It explains why the countless was trying so hard to get away from him when he was trying to kiss her!!

  25. Thank you so much for the great laugh! I love the shot glass recap! The sweaty Andy Cohen glass, and how he got sweatier, needing to be wiped up w/ a cloth–GENIUS! You had me laughing out loud, literally. I’m on my laptop @ Starbucks reading this & was laughing out loud-people were staring….

    Also,
    Kelly is very mentally unwell. In my unprofessional opinion, she suffers from some sort of bipolar mania, with paranoia. I have a family member who is/was very similar to Kelly in behavior and mannerisms and delusion. My family member is now (thankfully) on medication and in therapy. -Not completely “cured” yet, but doing a bit better. Still a long way to go, but better.
    Someone close to Kelly, who she loves & respects, needs to organize some sort of intervention, similar to a drug & alcohol intervention, but a mental health intervention. She will resist, because people with this illness do not think that there is anything wrong with them- they think that everyone else is out to get them, everyone else is at fault. But if loved ones persist, the sick person hopefully will start to get help.

  26. OMIGOD, the garlic put me over the egde…have you ever written for South Park? Love,
    love, love, as Ramona would say….

  27. thank you soo much for giving us the shot-glass view–so much better than the real thing. it puts the whole ‘housewives’ phenomenon in perspective. while i realise that it’s impossible for the housewives to ignore the cameramen and cameras and production folks, the behaviors elicited in the presence of those cameras are even more bizarre. there is something to be said for a life without drama–it may be dull to some, but at least one’s energies can focused on things that matter…because after all, class is.

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