The loathsome women of The Real Housewives of New Jersey were back last night, and honestly, I’m starting to wish they’d all follow Dina’s lead and exit the show. They’re either boring (Jacqueline), crazy (Danielle), or idiotic (Teresa), and lately, I’m starting to think that none of them (with the exception of Dina) are really any better than the crazy Ms. Staub herself.
The episode started up in the midst of Dina and Danielle’s argument at Shakra (or “SHACKKK-RAAA,” as Danielle pronounces it). I didn’t even remember that these two ladies hadn’t finished this dumb interaction last week, but apparently it was still AWN. Dina had shown up to tell Danielle she was over her, and Danielle had shown up with the secret hope of getting an apology, but failing that, she was ready to make some drama. And drama she did make. She rambled on and on about who knows what, contradicting herself every two seconds with rhetoric that sounded like it made sense but really didn’t. My personal favorite moment was when Danielle declared that she was NOT a victim and then proceeded to complain that all the Manzos had attacked her. It’s like claiming you’re an animal lover while gutting a rare snow leopard with a knife made of panda bone. Eventually, Dina accused her of being crazy, and in her loudest, I’m-a-crazy-person voice, Danielle replied “I am NOT crazy!” (I may be paraphrasing). Needless to say, her response was somewhat unconvincing.
Eventually, Dina huffed out of the restaurant, and Danielle was so disturbed by this interaction that she called up her goons (ie. Danny and his unnamed boyfriend) to calm her down. The guys, who had inexplicably been sitting in the parking lot like some low-rent undercover cops, immediately rushed into the restaurant and tended to Danielle as if she’d just been smashed in the face with a 2 x 4. She happily played the victim card, and for some reason, she kept pointing to Dina’s barely touched glass of water as evidence of her cowardice.
Later, Danielle managed to hold sway at a table of local ladies and repeated the story, again referencing the neglected glass of water. I wasn’t quite sure why it was so bad that Dina had refrained from hydrating midst argument, nor was I terribly clear as to why Danielle’s offer to order an appetizer was somehow a gesture of kindness (Danielle complained that when she had suggested they get a bite to eat, Dina rebuffed the idea and then announced that she was not going to be there for very long — a personal slight if I’ve ever heard one!!!!).
Anyway, in Danielle’s retelling of the altercation, she amusingly made Dina looking like a raving lunatic while simultaneously portraying herself as a sweetly innocent woman above the fray, casually dismissing each and every one of Dina’s attacks. It was both funny in its inaccuracy and sad in its warped perception of reality. Danielle’s friends, however, took everything at face value and instead chose to lavish their girl with compliments, encouraging her to get back out on the dating scene and find a man. After all, she had better arms than Michelle Obama, at least according to one gal pal, and furthermore, she could vamp it up on a stripper’s pole better than anyone else (certainly better than Kim G, who had about as much dexterity as Gumby — and looked just about as good in a thong. Man, I feel bad for her son…).
There was only one problem in getting Danielle back on the dating market: she was apparently damaged beyond belief after her relationship with that scumball Steve from last season. Danielle may be crazy (and the way she trumpeted her damaged state felt a bit like she was fishing for compliments), but I will say this: that guy Steve was 100% icky. Actually, no need for the past tense. He IS 100% icky because in the wake of his relationship with Danielle, he was now peddling a sex tape of them. Barf. And I mean “barf” on so many levels.
But wait! Was everything as it seemed?
Enter Steve and his side of the story…
So over at Jacqueline’s house, the guys (ie. Joe, Chris, Albie, and STEVE) had convened to play poker, and while they dealt cards (and endured Joe’s dumb jokes), the women chatted upstairs. Jacqueline told Teresa that she was sickened by Steve being in their house when he was trying to release a sex tape to the world. Teresa, being the idiot that she is, merely shrugged it off and said that Steve was just doing what guys at his age do. Excuse me, but last time I checked, not every man in his mid-twenties is pushing sex tapes of ex-girlfriends out into the world. The only guys (or girls) that do such things are douchebags, assholes, or generally unsavory people. For that comment alone, Teresa deserves to move up one notch on my “Worst Housewives” list. Of course, I should expect nothing less from a tacky woman who engages in childhood taunts (ie., she and Jacqueline calling Danielle a pig in front of their children. Way to lead by example).
Nevertheless, at least Jacqueline has a few brain cells, and for once, she decided to take a stand on something. She pulled Steve aside (causing a flurry of mildly chauvinist comments from Joe) and told him that she was disgusted that he would release a sex tape of Danielle. Steve merely smirked and told the women they had it all wrong. The only reason why he was releasing a sex tape was not because he had secretly taped Danielle. It was because she had kept sending him videos of her masturbating. Ahhhhhh…
Jacqueline and Teresa immediately put on their “That skanky bitch!” face, and then Bravo decided to inform us THEN that Danielle had dismissed her case against Steve because, well, she HAD no case! Dunh dunh dunh!
But wait! Two things I don’t understand: a) why do these women take what this guy says at face value, and b) HE’S STILL RELEASING A SEX TAPE. Is it somehow less disgusting since Danielle willingly supplied the material (if that’s what happened, and let’s face it, it probably is). The whole thing was a mess, and honestly, I think these women are all just a bunch of idiots.
As the show ended, we said goodbye to Dina with a strange segment that featured her doting on her cats. I’ll miss her one-liners, but the promise of new blood on this cast makes her departure worth it. I’m assuming Kim G will be taking over her spot, but I guess we won’t know for sure until next week. The suspense is KILLING ME (not really).
Dina: “Cocoa Pebbles are a superior cereal. End of story.”
“And don’t you dare even INSINUATE that Frankenberry is better because it’s NOT!”
“You want to say that again? Because I’m not afraid to like Frankenberry. In fact, I think Frankenberry is the best cereal there is. So don’t YOU tell me what to like!”
“You know what, Danielle? I WILL tell you what to like. You’re not making any sense. It’s Cocoa Pebbles and that’s it.”
Caroline: “Let me tell you a something about sitting bitch: it’s uncomfortable.”
“I wonder if Jacqueline realizes I’m wearing a thong RIGHT NOW.”
Jacqueline: “Um, no offense Kim G, but… why are you here?”
“Ladies, do I have a story for you. Dina Manzo tried to stab me with a KNIFE! Well, I mean, more or less. Okay, there was NO knife, but… YOU KNOW. There COULD have been! Thank God I had my two bodyguards there. I mean, had I been stabbed, I wouldn’t have had time to call them up out from the parking lot, thus making their presence totally useless and purely for show, but STILL. Thank God for them!”
“I mean, would you believe she called me a snake? ME! A snake! The mouth on her! Nasty!”
“I am NOT crazy! Does this look like the face of a crazy person? And furthermore, WHERE’S OUR BREAD BASKET??”
“Cheers to Danielle. She may be a crazy slut, but she’s OUR crazy slut!”
“And cheers to Karen for dressing like the tablecloth!”
“You know, I was really hurt by Steve. I don’t know if I can trust men anymore. I mean, if you can’t send a guy videos of yourself masturbating anymore, I what CAN you do?”
Danielle: “I’m a sexy bitch.”
Random girl: “And I’m even sexier.”
Kim G: “And I have old lady hair!”
Stripper: “Hmmm…. someone remind me to throw out that pole after this.”
“Hey boys, whattaya think?”
Danny: “Wow. It’s like looking at a traffic cone from underneath.”
“How mortified am I that Steve is releasing a sex tape of our intimate moments? THIIIIIIIIS mortified!”
Jacqueline: “I think it’s pretty disgusting that Steve is releasing a sex tape.”
Teresa: “Well, you know, it’s what guys do at that age.”
Jacqueline: “Also, did you hear that some teenager beat up an old lady?”
“Well, guys will do crazy things at that age!”
Jacqueline: “Oh, and did you hear a man murdered ten people and lit a church on fire and then raped a puppy?”
“Well, that’s just what guys do!”
“Ashley, you really look like grandma today!”
“EW! Why? Because grandma was fat???”
“No, because Grandma always looked like an IDIOT.”
Joe: “Hey Jacqueline, you get those trays from the ugly store? Heh. Look at ‘em. They’re like the ugly trays. Heh. We oughta take ‘em out back and tie ‘em to a tree. Heh. You hear that, Chris? Tie ‘em to a tree? Heh.”
“At least I’ll always have you, Ladybug.”
“Meow, stop calling me Ladybug. Don’t you know how demeaning that is to me? I’m a CAT, dammit!”
What did you think about the episode? Thoughts on the sex tape? What about the fight with Dina?