REAL HOUSEWIVES PHOTOCAP: Read Danielle’s Lips — She’s Not Crazy

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The loathsome women of The Real Housewives of New Jersey were back last night, and honestly, I’m starting to wish they’d all follow Dina’s lead and exit the show. They’re either boring (Jacqueline), crazy (Danielle), or idiotic (Teresa), and lately, I’m starting to think that none of them (with the exception of Dina) are really any better than the crazy Ms. Staub herself.

The episode started up in the midst of Dina and Danielle’s argument at Shakra (or “SHACKKK-RAAA,” as Danielle pronounces it). I didn’t even remember that these two ladies hadn’t finished this dumb interaction last week, but apparently it was still AWN. Dina had shown up to tell Danielle she was over her, and Danielle had shown up with the secret hope of getting an apology, but failing that, she was ready to make some drama. And drama she did make. She rambled on and on about who knows what, contradicting herself every two seconds with rhetoric that sounded like it made sense but really didn’t. My personal favorite moment was when Danielle declared that she was NOT a victim and then proceeded to complain that all the Manzos had attacked her. It’s like claiming you’re an animal lover while gutting a rare snow leopard with a knife made of panda bone. Eventually, Dina accused her of being crazy, and in her loudest, I’m-a-crazy-person voice, Danielle replied “I am NOT crazy!” (I may be paraphrasing). Needless to say, her response was somewhat unconvincing.

Eventually, Dina huffed out of the restaurant, and Danielle was so disturbed by this interaction that she called up her goons (ie. Danny and his unnamed boyfriend) to calm her down. The guys, who had inexplicably been sitting in the parking lot like some low-rent undercover cops, immediately rushed into the restaurant and tended to Danielle as if she’d just been smashed in the face with a 2 x 4. She happily played the victim card, and for some reason, she kept pointing to Dina’s barely touched glass of water as evidence of her cowardice.

Later, Danielle managed to hold sway at a table of local ladies and repeated the story, again referencing the neglected glass of water. I wasn’t quite sure why it was so bad that Dina had refrained from hydrating midst argument, nor was I terribly clear as to why Danielle’s offer to order an appetizer was somehow a gesture of kindness (Danielle complained that when she had suggested they get a bite to eat, Dina rebuffed the idea and then announced that she was not going to be there for very long — a personal slight if I’ve ever heard one!!!!).

Anyway, in Danielle’s retelling of the altercation, she amusingly made Dina looking like a raving lunatic while simultaneously portraying herself as a sweetly innocent woman above the fray, casually dismissing each and every one of Dina’s attacks. It was both funny in its inaccuracy and sad in its warped perception of reality. Danielle’s friends, however, took everything at face value and instead chose to lavish their girl with compliments, encouraging her to get back out on the dating scene and find a man. After all, she had better arms than Michelle Obama, at least according to one gal pal, and furthermore, she could vamp it up on a stripper’s pole better than anyone else (certainly better than Kim G, who had about as much dexterity as Gumby — and looked just about as good in a thong. Man, I feel bad for her son…).

There was only one problem in getting Danielle back on the dating market: she was apparently damaged beyond belief after her relationship with that scumball Steve from last season. Danielle may be crazy (and the way she trumpeted her damaged state felt a bit like she was fishing for compliments), but I will say this: that guy Steve was 100% icky. Actually, no need for the past tense. He IS 100% icky because in the wake of his relationship with Danielle, he was now peddling a sex tape of them. Barf. And I mean “barf” on so many levels.

But wait! Was everything as it seemed?

Enter Steve and his side of the story…

So over at Jacqueline’s house, the guys (ie. Joe, Chris, Albie, and STEVE) had convened to play poker, and while they dealt cards (and endured Joe’s dumb jokes), the women chatted upstairs. Jacqueline told Teresa that she was sickened by Steve being in their house when he was trying to release a sex tape to the world. Teresa, being the idiot that she is, merely shrugged it off and said that Steve was just doing what guys at his age do. Excuse me, but last time I checked, not every man in his mid-twenties is pushing sex tapes of ex-girlfriends out into the world. The only guys (or girls) that do such things are douchebags, assholes, or generally unsavory people. For that comment alone, Teresa deserves to move up one notch on my “Worst Housewives” list. Of course, I should expect nothing less from a tacky woman who engages in childhood taunts (ie., she and Jacqueline calling Danielle a pig in front of their children. Way to lead by example).

Nevertheless, at least Jacqueline has a few brain cells, and for once, she decided to take a stand on something. She pulled Steve aside (causing a flurry of mildly chauvinist comments from Joe) and told him that she was disgusted that he would release a sex tape of Danielle. Steve merely smirked and told the women they had it all wrong. The only reason why he was releasing a sex tape was not because he had secretly taped Danielle. It was because she had kept sending him videos of her masturbating. Ahhhhhh…

Jacqueline and Teresa immediately put on their “That skanky bitch!” face, and then Bravo decided to inform us THEN that Danielle had dismissed her case against Steve because, well, she HAD no case! Dunh dunh dunh!

But wait! Two things I don’t understand: a) why do these women take what this guy says at face value, and b) HE’S STILL RELEASING A SEX TAPE. Is it somehow less disgusting since Danielle willingly supplied the material (if that’s what happened, and let’s face it, it probably is). The whole thing was a mess, and honestly, I think these women are all just a bunch of idiots.

As the show ended, we said goodbye to Dina with a strange segment that featured her doting on her cats. I’ll miss her one-liners, but the promise of new blood on this cast makes her departure worth it. I’m assuming Kim G will be taking over her spot, but I guess we won’t know for sure until next week. The suspense is KILLING ME (not really).

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Dina: “Cocoa Pebbles are a superior cereal. End of story.”

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“And don’t you dare even INSINUATE that Frankenberry is better because it’s NOT!”

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“You want to say that again? Because I’m not afraid to like Frankenberry. In fact, I think Frankenberry is the best cereal there is. So don’t YOU tell me what to like!”

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“You know what, Danielle? I WILL tell you what to like. You’re not making any sense. It’s Cocoa Pebbles and that’s it.”

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Caroline: “Let me tell you a something about sitting bitch: it’s uncomfortable.”

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“I wonder if Jacqueline realizes I’m wearing a thong RIGHT NOW.”

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Jacqueline: “Um, no offense Kim G, but… why are you here?”

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“Ladies, do I have a story for you. Dina Manzo tried to stab me with a KNIFE! Well, I mean, more or less. Okay, there was NO knife, but… YOU KNOW. There COULD have been! Thank God I had my two bodyguards there. I mean, had I been stabbed, I wouldn’t have had time to call them up out from the parking lot, thus making their presence totally useless and purely for show, but STILL. Thank God for them!”

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“I mean, would you believe she called me a snake? ME! A snake! The mouth on her! Nasty!”

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“I am NOT crazy! Does this look like the face of a crazy person? And furthermore, WHERE’S OUR BREAD BASKET??”

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“Cheers to Danielle. She may be a crazy slut, but she’s OUR crazy slut!”

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“And cheers to Karen for dressing like the tablecloth!”

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“You know, I was really hurt by Steve. I don’t know if I can trust men anymore. I mean, if you can’t send a guy videos of yourself masturbating anymore, I what CAN you do?”

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Danielle: “I’m a sexy bitch.”
Random girl: “And I’m even sexier.”
Kim G: “And I have old lady hair!”

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Stripper: “Hmmm…. someone remind me to throw out that pole after this.”

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“Hey boys, whattaya think?”
Danny: “Wow. It’s like looking at a traffic cone from underneath.”

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“How mortified am I that Steve is releasing a sex tape of our intimate moments? THIIIIIIIIS mortified!”

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Jacqueline: “I think it’s pretty disgusting that Steve is releasing a sex tape.”
Teresa: “Well, you know, it’s what guys do at that age.”

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Jacqueline: “Also, did you hear that some teenager beat up an old lady?”
“Well, guys will do crazy things at that age!”

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Jacqueline: “Oh, and did you hear a man murdered ten people and lit a church on fire and then raped a puppy?”
“Well, that’s just what guys do!”

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“Ashley, you really look like grandma today!”
“EW! Why? Because grandma was fat???”
“No, because Grandma always looked like an IDIOT.”

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Joe: “Hey Jacqueline, you get those trays from the ugly store? Heh. Look at ‘em. They’re like the ugly trays. Heh. We oughta take ‘em out back and tie ‘em to a tree. Heh. You hear that, Chris? Tie ‘em to a tree? Heh.”

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“At least I’ll always have you, Ladybug.”
“Meow, stop calling me Ladybug. Don’t you know how demeaning that is to me? I’m a CAT, dammit!”

What did you think about the episode? Thoughts on the sex tape? What about the fight with Dina?

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21 thoughts on “REAL HOUSEWIVES PHOTOCAP: Read Danielle’s Lips — She’s Not Crazy

  1. Hilarious! These never fail to bring the laughs. The only reason to watch this week’s episode was for the photocap. New Jersey is getting stale.

    The combination of Kim G’s old lady pompadour and her surprisingly toned body just confuses me. Get it together, girl.

  2. I don’t watch this show, but I love your recaps and lists.

    What is up with the effed up hairlines with these women? It’s either Teresa the Neanderthal head or Kim G. who looks like that SNL character with the tiny doll hands.

    It’s creepy and gross. Not to mention declasse, my love.

  3. Wow these photo recaps absolutely crack me up. Especially the one of Danielle being THIIIIIIIIIS mortified. Hahaha. I love how Danielle continues to play the victim and blame everyone else but herself for what’s happened in her life. If it’s not her ex husband’s fault or the Manzo’s fault it’s Joe and Teresa’s fault or Steve’s fault. Own up to your life issues, honey! I’m surprised you didn’t mention the part where Jacqueline actually stood up to Knit Hat Ashley and kicked her out. I was quite proud of her in that moment!

  4. C.J.: Mommy, what kinds of animals are we gonna see?”
    Jacqueline: “Lions and tigers and Bears and Danielles.”
    C.J.: “What a great mommy you are! I can’t wait to grow up and talk crap just like you. Yes, mommy, it was pretty crappy to include Danielles.”
    Jacqueline: “You’re right C.J. Don’t do as I say or do as I do. You don’t want to grow up and be like your sister, Ashley, now do you?”

    “I think I’m gonna barf.”
    -Fargo

    or
    “I think I’m gonna……zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.”
    -Everyone trying to stay up and watch this idocrity

    Unless Teresa pulls a “Teresa” again, we may see our first demise of a Real Housewives’ franchise.
    And don’t you ever, Ever, EVER call me crazy!!!!!!!!!!!

  5. The sex tape currently on sale was not shopped around by Steve, it was a different guy. Not to say Steve is not creepy, or declasse, my love.

    • That’s the worst thing about Danielle- obviously, she didn’t have a case to take Steve to court, which pretty much confirms what he said, and now, this sex tape isn’t even with Steve! I did my best to ignore it, but the one and only pic I saw showed Danielle holding the videocamera. Kinda hard to say you didn’t know about when you take part in videotaping!

      Also, she apparently met her daughters’ father while stripping, as her “moves” are what got her her ex, plus that house!

  6. real housewives of new jersey WE ARE DONE!!! cant take no more… the whole we hate danielle staub is old and boring… and fake.. make ppl hate a person for no reason is not fun and is not good tv…
    teresa making excuses for that douchebag and then bash danielle for killing a fly make me sick …

  7. Holy crap, how disturbing was that when Kim G. tried to work the pole? I hate to be so disparaging with someone’s appearance but it was like seeing someone’s Grandma be so raunchy.

    You can tell Kim G. REALLY, REALLY, REALLY, REALLY wants to be a part of this show. Dina’s departure, she seems to be an ideal replacement for a new cast member, what with all her existing connections to the women on the show. What’s hilarious is that Bravo actually seems to not want to give her the full satisfaction of being an acknowledged cast member. It’s as iff Bravo is saying, “Continue to make an idiot of yourself and you’ll be part of the cast” without any intention of following up on it.

    I wouldn’t be surprised if next week, she suggests to Danielle that they wrestle in mud to up her chances of being a regular.

    And Ben, you gotta include Danielle’s ridiculous “Engage…and then suggest!” bit in your photocaps.

  8. Loved the maturity exhibited by Jacquelyn when she told her young son they’d see “Danielles” (pigs) at the pumpkin farm.

    PLEASE tell me someone else noticed that when the cameras zoomed in on the pigs and a few more jokes were being made at Danielle’s expense, Bravo flashed a message in the bottom right inviting viewers to read Danielle’s blog… the significance was not lost on me.

    • Sorry — Bravo message re: Danielle’s blog was on bottom left of screen. Wondering if it will pop up again during the 6 million reruns that air during the week (of which I’ll shamelessly watch about 3 million)

  9. When I saw poor, demure, misunderstood, Danielle spread her legs on the pole ‘thiiiisss much,’ I KNEW it would make the cover of your recap! Too crazy. And, I totally agree, Dina’s final scenes with her cats were just plain weird. I think I am over this show.

  10. “Hey boys, whattaya think?”
    Danny: “Wow. It’s like looking at a traffic cone from underneath.”

    LMAO!

  11. The photocap was much, much better than the episode.
    Danielle is nutsy, kookoo, and watching her work the pole made my stomach turn. Especially looking at those mooks faces, watching her. Yuk.
    Kim G.’s pole action was hilarious. I loved when someone had to pull up her pants.

  12. My friends are complaining I don’t keep up with them online anymore. It’s all your fault- all of you! This is a more rewarding way to spend my limited social time on the computer. I can’t stop laughing……
    Jose….very astute comments on Kim G and Bravo. They keep dangling the carrot and poking her with the schtick and she likes it……SHUDDER….

  13. Re: Danny and his pal’s presence in the parking lot of Chakra – Danielle got the cell phone call from Dina while she was having Danny measured for a “we’re Italian so a nice pin-stripe” suit. She told Danny that Dina wanted to meet her and she asked Danny to be there in case things got bad. He assured her he would wait for her call and be there to take care of the problem.

    These people are an embarassment to New Jersey.

  14. All of these women are nuts and so terribly boring! How did Bravo ever choose such boring idiots! I think the show would have stopped had it not of been for the drama that Danielle provides! They have nothing interesting to say or do. Ashley is an exact copy of her mother ~ both are boring, brainless, stupid! I wouldn’t watch if it weren’t for the drama that Danielle provides! Oh they kill me with these stupid little luncheons with Jacqueline and Teresa and the “Oh only Teresa is always late, or no one does it like Teresa, Teresa is over the top, look at Joe he is sweet”. Please stop filming the Jersey Housewives ~ go to DC!

  15. This show is such a train wreck but you can’t stop watching it!! Kim G. on the pole was so disturbing. Seeing an 80 year old woman with thigh high boots and a g-string made me throw up in my mouth! Please stop her from wearing clothes that her great grandchildren are wearing. As for Danielle, her face is so paralyzed but that picture of her showing her ass to that midget Danny shows her old wrinkled knees. LOL!!! Ashley is so delusional thinking she’s a model with her chubby face. I can’t wait to see the drama on the last episode. Teresa with her crazy hairline…too much! As for Caroline, I guess she saw all those comments on her being built like a truck driver that she went on a serious diet/exercise routine. She looks great…still talks like a truck driver but at least she looks healthy now.

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