BIG BROTHER 12: Time For Superficial Judgments Of The New Cast, Based On Very Little Information!

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It’s that time of year again! Big Brother is just a scant 48 hours away, which means it’s time to partake in that hallowed pre-season tradition: passing callous judgments on the cast based on very little information! I simply love doing this, mostly because I’m almost always proven wrong. But that’s the fun of Big Brother, isn’t it? Over the course of the next two months, we’ll learn more and more about these people, discovering their true colors and revising our opinions of them on a near-daily basis. It’s glorious.

For this cast, I used the biographical information on CBS.com, which included a few survey questions for the house guests as well as some Q&A videos, which I briefly skimmed through. I have no idea how on the money my analysis is, but I can assure you of one thing: I feel pretty good about it (even if I do veer into some lightly offensive territory).

Judgments after the jump…

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ANDREW GORDON

Single, Jewish, podiatrist, ESPN-loving — these are some of the terms Andrew uses to describe himself. I’d like to add one more: annoying. Well, he could be a sweetheart. But I sense he could be super annoying too. Why? Well, let me partake in some obnoxious generalizations about my people, if I may. I’m Jewish. I know members of my tribe well, and I can assure you that the nebbishy, sports-lovin’ Jewish guy is always THE WORST. It’s not because he’s Jewish. It’s because for some reason, when my peeps love sports, they love it to the most obsessive, in-your-face extremes. We’re talking stat-spewing, frenetic, hyper maniacal sport devotion (start the hate mail now). I wouldn’t be surprised if subscribers to the live feeds get stuck listening to Andrew pontificate on end about the smallest minutia of the Florida Marlins’ outfielders’ kleets. Of course, being an obsessive Big Brother fan calling out someone else for being an obsessive sports fan is a bit hypocritical of me; so… YEAH.

On the other hand, Andrew could be just lovely! But his decision as an orthodox Jew to enter the Big Brother house seems a touch… meshuggener

Douche potential: 4 out of 10
Saboteur potential: 7 out of 10
Potential methods of sabotage: Starting every sentence with “As the resident podiatrist here” until people want to kill themselves.

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ANNIE WHITTINGTON

Poor, sweet Annie. Her profile on CBS is tragic in so many ways, mostly in its vapidity. When asked what her favorite activities are, she lists things that are “fun,” (just in case we were concerned that her favorite activities might be things that are NOT fun). Annie describes herself as “over dramatic,” and yet she says she doesn’t want to be around people who are angry and “overreact.” Of course, she then goes on to reveal her favorite player of all time to be Evil Dick because “he was evil and hilarious.” I suppose consistency is not what we should be looking for when examining our token bartender of the cast. Nor are life ambitions. Annie proudly tells us that “My brother is a lawyer, my sister is a CPA and I will be the winner of Big Brother!” Clearly Annie has taken the path with the greatest career longevity…

On the plus side, Annie does have a sense of humor. When asked what her favorite quote is, she references Forgetting Sarah Marshall and says “When life gives you lemons… say fuck the lemons and bail.” Not sure if that mantra will work in the Big Brother household, but I appreciate the sentiment. Oh, and Annie’s bisexual; so we’ll see how that works out for her.

Bitch potential: 5 out of 10
Saboteur potential: 3 out of 10
Potential methods of sabotage: Staring at pillows, ambling about, being mesmerized by floating dust particles.

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BRENDON VILLEGAS

Looking like he’ll be the resident hunk of Big Brother 12, Brendon could very well be a wolf in sheep’s clothing. His occupation is benign (swim coach), and his description of himself affable enough (“I’m always up for fun”), but a closer look at his profile reveals a shrewd and perhaps evil side to him. His strategy for winning the game? “Get girls to like me and turn them against each other.” That’s the sort of Machiavellian plan that I can get behind! Oh, and don’t let the good looks fool you. Brendon is a PhD candidate in Biometric Physics. Of course, that doesn’t really mean anything, and I wouldn’t be surprised if this guy had an ego that might do him in in the end… assuming he’s not the saboteur. But that would be too obvious, wouldn’t it?

Douche potential: 5 out of 10
Saboteur potential: 6 out of 10
Potential methods of sabotage: Playing mind games incessantly with his fellow house guests

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BRITNEY HAYNES

Britney looks like a cutey-patootie, but she’s very clear about one thing: she’s kind of an ass. And I think that’s a good thing. In her CBS profile, she openly admits that she doesn’t want to live around old people and that one of her favorite activities is arguing. She also uses the words “argumentative” and “opinionated” to describe herself, which means she’s full of drama… or at least wants us to think so. In my experience, the people who are full of drama like to declare how much they HATE drama, and the people who are truly softies like to declare how much they LOVE arguing. Britney might fall into the latter category. Then again, she does claim to be a mix of Chelsea Handler and Martha Stewart. So… she’s a bitch.

Bitch potential: 8 out of 10
Saboteur potential: 8 out of 10
Potential methods of sabotage: Doing something psycho like taking a lady dump on someone’s duvet (all the while claiming to be too much of a Southern belle to do such horrific things)

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ENZO PALUMBO

Winning me over simply by having the most fun name of the bunch, Enzo fills the “colorful” spot that nearly every cast has. You know what I’m talking about: Renny, Evil Dick, Crazy James, Lydia, Michelle (season 10). Sometimes an oddball, sometimes an oddity – the “colorful” cast member usually has a funny accent or tattoos or something visually peculiar going on. We tend to either love or hate these people, and I’m still a bit perplexed as to why we haven’t had an entire cast full of them (spare us the bartenders and “models”). Nevertheless, it’s perhaps a bit cruel to suggest that Enzo is a weirdo, simply because he has a Jersey accent. Still, he most certainly is not a generic pretty boy. He’s Italian through and through, perhaps the future vision of what The Situation will grow up to be. Ultimately, I’m having a hard time deciding how the chips will fall for Enzo. We’ll either love his salt-of-the-earth personality or find him the biggest douche of all. Hmmmm…

Douche potential: 9 out of 10
Saboteur potential: 3 out of 10
Potential methods of sabotage: Shaping people’s personal artifacts into a map of Italy; fist pumping; beating the beat; gym, tan, laundry; screaming at Angelina. Wait, I think I’ve veered off course here.

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HAYDEN MOSS

Hayden Moss is so all-American, I wouldn’t be surprised if he’d been shit out of a bald eagle. The kid just oozes U.S.A., but with a little surfer / Abercrombie flair added for good measure. He seems pleasant enough, but under that goofy smile and shaggy hair is probably a giant asshole — the kind that has coasted through life on looks alone. Also, viewing some of his biographical videos, the guy doesn’t come off as particularly… what’s the word?…. smart. Chances are he’ll probably clash with one of the alpha-females in the house (who may or may not have an unrequited crush on him) and say something obnoxious to her along the way. I wouldn’t be surprised if he winds up in the center of some petty drama the first few weeks.

Douche potential: 7 out of 10
Saboteur potential: 4 out of 10
Potential methods of sabotage: Saying “Huh?” a lot. A lot.

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KATHY HILLIS

Serving as the cast’s resident senior citizen, Kathy Hillis clocks in at the ripe old age of 40. Ancient. Kathy is also the über-mommy / outdoors enthusiast who lists one of her interests as “mudding” (which may or may not be some perverse sexual act exclusive to Texarkana). Oh, and Kathy also had cancer; so she has that card to play. Truth be told, everything about Kathy should be awful, but strangely enough, I kind of love her. Plus, she’s playing this whole sweet card, but I bet she’s a raging bitch (in the best possible way). Of course, it’s no huge surprise that I like Kathy. I do tend to pull for the older folk, and I’m a bit disappointed that after the awesomeness that was Renny and Jerry (even though people didn’t like him, he made for good TV), CBS has been loath to stock the Big Brother house with more elderly members. Seems like a wasted opportunity.

As for Kathy’s saboteur potential: she currently serves as a deputy sheriff, and I’m not sure that flagrant subterfuge would honor her badge. Then again, if anyone could be adept at going undercover, it’s a cop…

Bitch potential: 8 out of 10
Saboteur potential: 7 out of 10
Potential methods of sabotage: Stabbing someone with a kitchen knife and then screaming “CANCER!” when the fingers get pointed at her.

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KRISTEN BITTING

Kristen is my #1 pick for saboteur. She’s kind of bland, kind of forgettable, fairly hot, and overall generic. In other words, the perfect person to catch you by surprise. If she’s not the saboteur, then I imagine Kristen will happily fulfill the role of firebrand. After all, she dubs herself a “quiet storm,” but I wouldn’t be shocked if that quiet storm doesn’t full-on rage into a shrieking tempest. There’s something about this girl that makes me think she might be most likely to throw a glass of water at someone or toss a pillow off the edge of the second floor balcony.

Bitch potential: 9 out of 10
Saboteur potential: 9 out of 10
Potential methods of sabotage: Lighting everyone’s toothbrushes on fire.

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LANE ELENBURG

Snooze alert. Lane might look like a jock-y, jokey, fun-lovin’ fratboy, but ten seconds with his video clips reveals him to be a total bore. And just how bland is Lane? His favorite player of all time is MEMPHIS (season 10). Of course, maybe Lane’s dullness is but a clever diversion from his true identity as THE MOLE. After all, when asked if he has a strategy for Big Brother, Lane says “I do, but not revealing it.” HMMMM…

Douche potential: 3 out of 10
Saboteur potential: 8 out of 10
Potential methods of sabotage: Instantly forcing his housemates into a perpetual trance-like slumber via his soft, slow-talking voice.

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MATT HOFFMAN

Wait, never mind what I said before. This guy MATT seems most likely to be the saboteur. Watching the videos of him, he comes off as savvy, bright, and clever. Plus, he has lots of tattoos, and we can never trust THAT. Matt also lists “annoying people for my own amusement” as one of his favorite activities; so inherently he sort of is a saboteur, even if he’s not officially called upon in that capacity. Matt could certainly be very likable, but part of me thinks he’s aware of this, and therefore, that makes him unlikable. Either way, there’s definitely a very Chill Town 2.0 vibe about him, which means he’s either the second coming of Dr. Will… or Mike Boogie.

Douche potential: 8 out of 10
Saboteur potential: 9 out of 10
Potential methods of sabotage: Existing.

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MONET STUNSON

We’ll overlook for a moment the dubious compliment Monet’s parents gave her by naming her “Monet.” Instead, let’s focus on the woman herself, who seems like she may or may not have been a forgotten cast member of the ’80s sitcom Head of the Class. Monet describes herself as a “classy girl,” which is charmingly precious because a) any classy girl doesn’t go on reality TV, and b) it will only take about two days of footage to reveal some decidedly unclassy behavior on Monet’s part. Nevertheless, I appreciate her aspirations, and if it means that Monet can carry Countess LuAnn Delesseps’ torch into the Big Brother house, I’m all for that. As for whether or not she’s the mole, well, it might seem a bit cynical to say this, but I don’t think CBS will be too keen on having the one black girl be the sneaky one. But then again, EXPECT THE UNEXPECTED.

Bitch potential: 4 out of 10
Saboteur potential: 2 out of 10
Potential methods of sabotage: Prancing about the house singing “Elegance Is Learned.”

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RACHEL REILLY

Looking like the divine love child of Maria Kanellis and Wynonna Judd, Rachel could be a major drama type this season. I wouldn’t be shocked if she stirred the pot once or twice just for the heck of it, and we can be fairly certain she’ll piss off the other girls within the first two minutes. She’s probably the type that’ll enter the house with a cowboy hat on and Daisy Dukes, making loud proclamations such as “WHERE’S THE CHAMPERS? LET’S GET THIS PARTY STARTED!!!” Rachel’s true forte, however, will be going psycho on a guy’s ass. I can see a misplaced comb resulting in a late night temper tantrum on her part. Of course, I can also see her cuddling up with one of the dudes. She’s certainly the most likely to forge a showmance. And she’s also the most likely to go crazy when said showmance fizzles. Yay!

Bitch potential: 9 out of 10
Saboteur potential: 8 out of 10
Potential methods of sabotage: Reminding people every hour, on the hour, that just because she’s a hot girl with big boobs doesn’t mean she’s not smart. Sadly, no one will believe her; so really, she’s just sabotaging herself.

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RAGAN FOX

And here comes the gay. Arriving in the Big Brother house on a pink chariot of flames is Ragan, who happily rocks the bow-tie as perhaps an homage to Brad from The Rachel Zoe Project (Rachel: “Oh my God, Brad. You’re on TV. But you’re next to me. Why are you two places at once? Are you a ghost? Am I next to a ghost? And am I watching a show about a ghost? Is this the ghost channel? LITERALLY, you are two places in once. Where’s Tay? TAY?”). Anyway, Ragan earns stereotype points for equating himself to sucking on balls — admittedly, the gobstopper variety, not the salty genitalia kind. He claims his personality will make people pucker at first but eventually his sweetness will win them over. This could be true, especially since Ragan ultimately seems smart (and funny!). He earns bonus points for stating that “there’s nothing a well-placed fart joke can’t cure.” The real question is this: is Ragan justt a sassy ham? Or is he a cunning saboteur?

Bitch potential: 4 out of 10
Saboteur potential: 9 out of 10
Potential methods of sabotage: Reenacting the entire Liza Minelli catalogue with hand puppets made from his bow-tie.

What do you think about the cast? Who are your favorites based on nothing? And who are your least favorites? And who do you think is the SABOTEUR?

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34 thoughts on “BIG BROTHER 12: Time For Superficial Judgments Of The New Cast, Based On Very Little Information!

  1. Oh my god….”the divine love child of Maria Kanellis and Wynonna Judd” is dead on for her!

    If this saboteur thing turns into one of those “Whose pillow should the saboteur rub peanut butter on?” type deals, I’m gonna be mad, because that’s just stupid.

    Otherwise, can’t wait!

  2. Nicely done, Ben.
    I can only repeat “Central Casting must be so proud”.
    Now, let the good times roll.

  3. OMFGROFLMAO

    How, after 11 years of Big Brother, did I not find you before??

    And why are there only 3 comments on your BB judgements? This stuff is hysterical.

    Hayden is so All American you’re pretty sure he was shit out of a bald eagle?! I think I love you.

    I bet you’re spot on about all of them (or not, who cares?) and I am going to pass on your site to all my “super fan friends” in the chat rooms on superpass while we say the same offensive, sarcastic but oh so witty shit about the HG’s.

    Now I’m going to check out the rest of your site….if your BB HG judgements are any indication I think I’ll be laughing my ass off well into the night….and I need a laugh right now. So….thanks 😉

    • Thanks for coming by, JJ! I hope you and the people you forward the site on to enjoy it!

  4. So who do you think will win? Who do u think will be in the final 2? Who do u think will be the first to go?

  5. Passing callous judgements based on very little information is why I read this blog in the first place. So, well done dear man!

    Brendon is my hottie pick and Rachel the saboteur. No basis for either.

    I am disproportionately excited about Thursday night’s show and your following day (?) photocap.

  6. So the house will be full of Douche’s and Bitch’s. I’m annoyed already.

    I’m sick of season after season of weak house guests. Get some superstars in there that actually care about the game.

  7. Great blog, as usual. However, I read online somewhere last week (can’t remember which site now!) that the saboteur will be the 14th HG and will not enter the house until July 15th. So I don’t think any of these people is the saboteur.

    • Ummm…I don’t think you’re correct on this. I’m a BB fanatic & have never heard this before. Think you’re misleading & will ultimately be disappointed. Go back and re-read or re-watch what Chenbot stated on Thursday’s opening show!

  8. Pay attention Pu-Leeeeeez: There are only 2 truths to this synopsis.
    1. My accent is North Joisey. Not the entire state of Joisey.
    2. I find your remarks to be very gamey.

    How declasse to spend so much time on deez losers when there’s all kinds of good stuff goin on on RHNJ. Like da pulling out of fake locks and da arresting of an ameoba brained teen.
    Bet you don’t even know dat I was at Kim D’s fashion show protecting da models, do youse?
    Smart ass B-side. Think you know everything and den some.

    Dat being said, I am not da mole, but know who is, because I know everything because I am from North Joisey. And, sweetheart, I will not clap…at least not yet!

  9. I laughed my ass off at this!!

    I don’t know who you are but you are hysterical!!

    Thank-you, I needed that today:)

  10. Very clever. I agree with pretty much everything. I think britney will go far and probably have a tight alliance with brendon. Although enzo looks like a fun guy to watch, I think he will be the first to go’

  11. Kristen wins the award for weirdest-looking armpit.

    Enzo seems to be the one with the major douche target on his back this time. Just looking at his pics and reading what he has to say–he’s a douche.

    Thanks for outing Ragan–wasn’t sure if he was gay or just a nerd with the bowties.

  12. Kathy is already on my “Watch List”. I am betting she will play the Cancer card, the Mommy card, the Law Enforcement card AND the oldest card before getting blindsided out.

    Let’s get that shirt off Brendon ASAP.

    hb

    • someone should start a drinking game based on the rivulets created by her running mascara when she plays those cards….

      • Hold the phone! I thought I heard drinking game…this is gonna be a great season~

  13. I love your take on these houselosers. It’s too early to say who I think the saboteur is, and like someone commented before, maybe they aren’t there yet.
    That Maria Kanellis comment was spot on!
    To JJ, I’ve been reading Ben’s Big Brother recaps for forever now, probably since he started, and they are the best things you will ever read about BB.

    • They are the best….it’s really my sense of humor and I was seriously belly laughing, but at the same time he made some good points. Thanks

      To Corri…..I read that America will not KNOW until the 15th who the sabateur is…..I see no scenario that makes sense that they bring him/her in later in the game, it would be completely obvious if the day that person arrives weird shit starts happening in the house……..I’ve been wrong before, but I’m pretty sure he/she is already in the house.

      Also I read this morning that if the saboteur goes 5 weeks undetected he/she wins 50k and may or may not continue on in the game. So if he/she does not get caught or evicted for another reason (or evicted because the HG’s are suspicious) in the first 5 weeks, the sabotaging will stop and the player may continue on to try to play to the end. Don’t know how true that is but it’s interesting and kind of makes sense gamewise.

      I did see Cathy say she is not just a Deputy Sheriff that she is also trained in crimal profiling and can be a “human lie detector” if need be. I agree with honeybunny….she’s on my list to watch….she will either be a very good gamer or she will get on my last nerve. If she was smart she wouldn’t tell them she’s in law enforcement at all….but she already said she was so………I don’t have high hopes.

      Do all or most of you guys get the live feeds?

  14. Here are my lists, also based on no information and my own opinionated opinions:

    Marry/Eff/Kill List

    Men
    Marry: Andrew
    Eff: Brendon
    Kill: Hayden

    Ladies
    Marry: Monet/Annie (Tie!)
    Eff: Rachel
    Kill: Britney

    Douchy Names List

    1. Lane – Come ON- this is top douchieness because it’s a BOY. Lane for a girl would be less douchy. It’s also a small street. How about Aisle or Path?
    2. Monet – Really? Monet? May I suggest to her parents that Giverny is more feminine sounding. Or even Claude (queen’s name and all that, though a bit heavy-sounding. Heh).
    3. Ragan – Last name as first name (LNAFN) and unisex-y but rated douchy for spelling.
    Hayden – LNAFN of the douchiest variety. Glad it’s not Haydn or Hayd’n.
    4. Britney – Place name as first name. Rated douchy for spelling. Come ON – who spells their name like that?
    5. Annie – Rated douchy for cutseyness.

    Please note correlation between the KILLS and the Douchy Names: Hayd’n and Brit’ny…

  15. 5.4 earthquake north of Borrego Springs about 4:55 which gave a pretty strong shock here in San Diego. I wonder if it was felt at the BB house. Too bad they don’t know about the saboteur yet so they could blame it on him/her.

  16. Potential methods of sabotage: Stabbing someone with a kitchen knife and then screaming “CANCER!” when the fingers get pointed at her. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

  17. I think Brendan could be interesting. Even though he’s hot, he probably has enough nerd empathy from being a Biometric Physics PhD candidate that he will appeal to most people in the house. I see some Dr. Will potential there – if he fake cries and laughs about it later, then I’m going to be all in on him.

    Hayden is completely hot, I don’t care if he’s dumb – he’s shiny and pretty. I think he’ll stay in for a while because no one will see him as threat, and the girls will love him so he will be easily manipulated.

    I have to admit, Kathy being a cop and profiler totally fascinates me. Sometimes cops can be hard to read, and they are trained to keep their emotions in check – she could be a serious threat. I’ll bet her strongest skill will be anticipating the others’ strategies and playing off of them until she identifies her best partner. I think she will play the maternal role, but only as a means to build loyalty and gather information. I’m kind of rooting for her…

    In general, the women seem pretty lackluster – Britney is pretty, but there are no real standouts in looks, intellect or ambition. I wish BB would cast a better range of women in general – A female Dr. Will type would be refreshing…

  18. I can’t wait until Rachel gives her first STD in the house.
    Maybe it’s already happened.

  19. Hey guys, I found this web address for nudism. Its a brand new to see all kinds of nude teenagers, kids, parents that live a lifestyle together in a nudist community. Can anybody advise me if it’s a good website to go too or not. I thought it was good cause no torrent sites hold anything like this.

  20. Was I hallucinating last night when they said that Rachel is a scientist and works in a lab? Because that girl in the house that had her face was annoying and laughed awfully and was too concerned about flinging her tits in everyones’ faces didn’t seem too science-y… Or was that saboteur-like behavior? Hmm.

  21. I have Lane in my BB pool, which is great because the guy didn’t open his mouth once. He’ll skate along for a good long time. Yay!

  22. Enzo is an Italian through and through. Please God this coming from a Jew who wrote this crap. Can we please get some real Italians who are not from New Jersey and don’t fit the Hollywood sterotype that make the majority of us Italians cringe

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