BIG BROTHER PHOTOCAP: Summer of Sabotage Is Upon Us!

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It’s baaaaaaacck! Big Brother has returned to the airwaves, and I can now officially kiss my social life goodbye because for the rest of the summer, I will be hopelessly devoted to the show in the worst possible way. In fact, the ridiculous fanaticism has already begun. Last night I gathered with my Big Brother press day alliance, a.k.a Team Slop, to watch the premiere and much crazy banter and cross-talk ensued. In attendance were Derrik J. Lang (The Associated Press), Matt Whitfield (Yahoo!), and Andrea Reiher (Zap2It) — as well as various Significant Others. The babbling was kind of out of control, and as an added bonus, Andrea and Derrik had already met the entire cast; so they could offer their own insight. Of course, I like to make my own impressions, and this is what I can tell you thus far: my superficial assessments from earlier this week have been holding up surprisingly well.

Before we can talk about the cast, we must address a critical situation: the Chenbot. Julie Chen came to us on a colorful, brightly lit set that looked not unlike some discarded game show set from 1987. For whatever reason, she had eschewed her normal sassy look for a strangely dowdy, lightly-Hilary Clinton look. It was strange. But then again, we’d have it no other way. Yes, Julie was decked out in a chunky necklace and a formal tomato-red blazer that gave her a look of corporate authority, but we could tell she was yearning to vamp it up with what appeared to be an asymmetrical, one strap number underneath. Sadly, the combination was a touch bizarre, and it only made Julie look like she had forgotten to put her left arm through the sleeve of her dress. Still, the Chenbot wouldn’t be the Chenbot without the occasional fashion blunder (does anyone remember her shiny space pants from yore?); so her look made me happy nonetheless.

Now, the contestants.

First, let’s talk about Kristen. This poor girl looks like she’s a few peppers and onions short of a cheesesteak (she’s from Philly. Get it?). I think she’ll be bringing this season’s craziness — sort of like the second coming of Keisha from BB10. Just look at her eyes. They’re psychotic! And if it’s not the eyes, it’s the hair. Crazy girls always manifest their lunacy in their hair. It just sort of goes in all directions, and Kristen’s is no different. We’ve yet to tap into her full psychosis, but it’s there, people. It’s there.

And then there’s Rachel. You know Rachel. The chemist? With the red hair? And the funny laugh? Still not ringing any bells? Hmmm… how else can I describe her? Oh yeah: BOOBS. No, not just boobs. We’re talking BOOOOOOOOBS. I thought Laura from last year had a rotund bust, but Rachel puts her to shame. She literally looked like the Wipeout obstacle course bundled into a little pink dress. I love the idea of a smart girl masquerading around like a ditzy tit party, but I’ve yet to actually get any pings on my intelligence radar. Then again, it took a few episodes for Janelle to reveal herself to be the awesomeness that she was; so I’ll reserve judgment (barely) for Areola, The Little Mammary-aid. Sorry, that was a stretch. I really felt the need to get another pun in there though.

Meanwhile, this Andrew character has totally lived up to expectations in the worst sort of way. He’s of the school that working his Judaism into every joke is somehow charming, but alas, it is not. Literally, the guy screamed “Mazel Tov” the moment he walked into the house. And if that weren’t embarrassing enough, he didn’t even display any of the cutting humor my people are stereotyped to have. For instance, when The Saboteur mysteriously shut off the lights later in the episode, Andrew decided to prank everyone by finding a pillow and throwing it at the people sitting in the living room. Admittedly, the shrieks were amusing, but it all felt a bit dumb on his part.

Even more dumb was the fact that Andrew even separated himself from the group like that. After all, by that point, the cast had learned about the saboteur, and everyone was looking for prime suspects. What better way to cast suspicion onto yourself than by slinking away from group? Of course, Andrew wasn’t the only one who acted shady. Poor, sweet, handsome Brandon saw the lights go out and immediately began his nighttime rituals. It was a strange, Pavlovian response to darkness, and of course, it most certainly placed the suspicion on him as the saboteur also, especially when the lights came up and a lock was revealed on the storage room door. Andrew and Brandon were both attacked for having left the couch area (and yes, I did enjoy this exercise in groupthink and paranoia), but let’s be honest: what sort of saboteur is going to be so obvious as to NOT BE BACK WITH THE GROUP when the lights come up?

A better indication of the mole would probably be HOH performance, and when it came to that, there were really only two people who could be accused of sabotaging their teams: Britney and Kathy, neither of whom could grab onto their respective hot dogs. And in case you’re scratching your heads about that, let me explain. Big Brother assembled what may have been the very best season opening HOH competition ever by splitting the house into two teams and having them jump on suspended punching bags (designed to look like hot dogs) and grapple them over an immense “grill” (basically, a lot of pillows). Of course, since this is BB, there were strange liquids involved, and in this case, mustard and ketchup splooging all over the contestants. Making matters worse was that the condiments make the “hot dogs” slippery, causing many of the players to slide off in an embarrassing display of gravity. As I believe Britney said, “I love my dignity on that hot dog.” Or something like that. Sadly, she should realize she lost her dignity the moment she stepped into the house.

Nevertheless, Kathy and Britney struggled the most, with Britney going so far to claim that she had seriously injured her knee after one drop, but unless one of those pillows was full of rocks and broken glass, I couldn’t really see how that was possible. In the end, good ol’ boy Hayden (who seems to have an upside-down mouth) won the Head of Household, which meant that if Britney was trying to undermine her team, she wasn’t very good at it.

So does this mean that Kathy is the saboteur? Seems a bit too obvious. Much credit goes to the producers for aptly casting suspicion on all the players. I don’t love the saboteur twist, but I must admit it’s fun trying to sniff the person out. Too bad we only get one week of guesswork.

Here are some pics:

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“Hi, I’m Annie. And you know me: always jumping off industrial landscapes!”

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“Check it out! I’m gonna stick this key up SOMEONE’S ASS!”

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“Hey boyz, who wants DAMAGED GOODS???”

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“Hi. I’m Brendon. And my friends call me The Parrot because when the lights go out… I immediately begin my sleep rituals. Seriously, I have a really hard time in movie theaters.”

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“Sorry, I’ve got something in my eye. Oh wait, it’s an extra boob. My bad. Forgot about my eye boob.”

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“My name’s Rachel, but you can call me Titty McMammaryboobs.”

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“I can’t wait to get into the house and have three nervous breakdowns over peanut butter.”

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“These are some props from my one woman musical revue, Boobs!

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“I’m gonna go into that Big Brother house and make Jews cringe around the world!”

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“Oh mah gah. This is so amayyy! My boobs might literally fall off and roll away in shock.”

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“Where should I run to??? BOOBS, SHOW ME THE WAY!”

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“Oh my God. I HAVE AN ASS ON MY CHEST!”

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“I’m laughing now, but little do these people know that I have a bisexual advantage! Because everyone knows that bisexuals are the ones you have to look out for!”

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“My strategy? To gradually inhale every contestant until I’m the only one left.”

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“I AM THE SABOTEUR! I AM VERY SCARY!”

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“Check it out: Chenbot!”

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“Butterfly!”

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“Quack quack! Get it? It’s a duck.”

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“WOOF! Doggie! LOLOLOL.”

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“Walk like an Egyptian. Tkka tkka tkka tkka tkka tkka tkka tkka.”

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“Wait, who drew this face on me? Seriously. Who did this?”

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“Okay, this isn’t funny anymore. Stop it, guys.”

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“So in conclusion, I am to be feared.”

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“Okay, I’ll just use the velcro on my head to attach to the hot dog. STICK DAMMIT!”

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“Gosh, I hope this is a Hebrew National hot dog!!! Because I’m Jewish!!! Get it? Hey, did I tell you I’m Jewish?”

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“I like to think that if I simply jump AT the hot dog but don’t grab onto it, I’ll make it across!”

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“I can’t believe someone put a lock on the storage room. It’s like the time I left my keys in my car outside of temple. And I go to temple because I’m Jewish. Did you hear? I’m Jewish.”

What did you think about the premiere? Who are your favorites and least favorites? Who’s the saboteur? And what did I leave out?

38 replies on “BIG BROTHER PHOTOCAP: Summer of Sabotage Is Upon Us!”

  1. I now know how black people feel when the Angry Black Man is cast. Thanks, Annoying Jewish Doctor From Florida.

    1. Can’t do much about realplayer, but you can always join us in B-Side’s forum for live feed updates/discussion

  2. This is my very first season of Big Brother. I am very excited! Did anyone hear Rachel express her thoughts on Andrew being religious and she could tell because he was wearing a Yom Kippur on his head? Really?? Did I hear her right? It scares me that she is allowed in a chem lab. This is going to be fun!

  3. How did that lock get put on the storage room door? BB did it, but you can’t tape something like that on the door

  4. I loved Britney the minute she called Ragan a raging homosexual but was excited because “those are my people!” Love.it.

    She also provided us with the amazing “I lost my dignity on a slippery weiner” quote. That’s maybe the best quote this highly quotable show has ever given us. Also, amen sister.

    I think the lady cop is the saboteur. There’s no way someone can be that terrible at holding on to a punching bag. Also, she wasn’t in the room when the lights went off but was in the room when they came back up. I would suspect Andrew more but I don’t think they’d make the token Jewish guy the saboteur.

    First episode and I’m already completely obsessed!

    1. I agree, Britney is really funny. She had some great lines last night, and as soon as she said that about Regan I was in love. She will probably be my fav.

      My instincts were that Matt is the saboteur. I’m not sure why… just a hunch, I guess. However, I am almost always wrong about these things, so he probably isn’t. But I’m sticking with it.

      I think Kristen looks like Christina Applegate. And I think the cop lady looks like Baby Jane. Her mascara is out of control.

      Matt- Top 2% IQ in the NATION??? Hmmm… I don’t know about that.

      Both Rachel and Annie really annoy me. Rachel has a REALLY bad laugh, and her makeup looks like war paint. And Annie talks way too much, and I don’t know- something about her bugs me.

      Those are my initial thoughts, and I am so glad it’s July! I can’t wait for B-Side to nail these personalities and start mocking them!

      Oh yeah, and Hayden is HAWT!! Yowza! I like his upside down smile.

      1. Kathy reminds me of Keisha from Season 10? I can’t stand Rachel’s laugh and I hope she goes soon and enough with the boobs already.

  5. Andrew the Wiener calling Julie “JC” was cringe-worthy. That is the kind of thing that Shelly would do.

    hb

  6. When they panned back and revealed Chenbots outfit I said, she looks like lie a first lady! glad it wasnt just me 🙂

    I as well enjoyed Britney.

  7. I was pleasantly surprised with the gay character, Ragan, or Gaygan. He was funnier than I expected considering his atrocious wardrobe.

    Also loved Andrew. Pack Kosher kettle. Check. Wear yarmulke. Check. Scream Mazal Tov! Check. What have I forgotten? Oh yeah, chunk integrity out the window and LIE about my profession to win a reality show… that’s in the Torah right?

    B – how do you keep coming up with names for the big tittied women on this show? They’re all so unique, yet somewhat familiar.

  8. But first, I’m hooked right away!!!
    Yes, Julie looked very dowdy. What up with that?
    Andrew is annoying and so is Rachel’s boobs and laugh.
    I have no idea who the saboteur is yet.

  9. Ugh, why must all of the people they cast on this show from Las Vegas be terrible? I know I’m forgetting some but Maggie, Cappy (shudder) and Amber come to mind. I swear there are normal people here!

    At least Boobs McGee might be entertaining? *crossing fingers*

  10. Hey, B. Did you know that Matt(?) is a CERTIFIED GENIOUS? I’ll bet you didn’t ’cause he’s far too modest to talk about it.

    1. I’m starting to think she might be also. Plus, my viewing companions who had met her said that she seemed like it.

  11. Wow. Where do they FIND these people?? BOOBS is just too crazy. Since I base all my information on characters in BB, I now realize that female scientists/lab workers are crazy. (Michele and BOOBS) Jewish people are nerdy and uncomfortable in social situations (America’s player and Andrew). Gay men are stupid and prone to jumping to insane conclusions (EVERY gay guy that’s been on BB), as well as wear grey v-neck shirts. What is that, a gay uniform or something?? Someone is going to make a goofy remark about someone else’s religion/appearance, etc. Yes, I did hear the Yom Kippur for yarmulke (sorry about the bad spelling here). And people who say up front that they are so intelligent usually turn out to be stupid as dirt. Yay for a new season!!

  12. I’m sad to admit that this is the first season that I haven’t had the Jewish guy as a fave. he is not putting the matzoh balls in my soup (if you get my drift).

    I like the gay dude so far, and the tattooed genius (who has my vote as the sabatouer).

    Boobie McBooberson is stunning, so I hope that she ends up actually BEING smarter than she’s come across so far.

  13. Oh dear Rob! I was DYING. I DIED! Those shadow puppets tickled the hell out of my funny bone…good one B~

    Hayden must remain shirtless.
    Boobs must stay. I think she will be entertaining.
    I think Andrew might be Jewish.
    I think Enzo might be from Jersey.
    I don’t think cop is the saboteur I think they put her in there thinking she might be able to flush the saboteur out.
    Britney had me at “my people”
    I hope that Ragan’s wit matches his sharp little tongue. He could be fun.
    People who tell you that they are in MENSA repeatedly are usually social retards.

    That is all for now.

  14. Gotta love that when Boobs McGee was on screen they identified her as a VIP cocktail waitress or something, not as the chemist she says she is. hmmmmmm.

    Hayden bugs me. Ditto Andrew. I’m with derder. My vote’s for Matt to be the saboteur.

    1. I wondered about that cocktail waitress thing myself. Maybe she got shot glasses confused with beakers and only thinks she’s a chemist.

  15. Pay attention Pu-leaz:Didn’t nobody notice how I stayed under the radar? Dat’s cause I’m from North Joisey. And maybe your sabbaticeur.
    Frankly B-side, I find it very unprofessional of you to not mention my saying that Boobylicious had “Watermelon Bada Bings”! I tought dat was very funny. Maybe not as funny as Boobylicious calling dat Jew Doc’s head dress a Yom Kippur, but still. Just sayin….
    I will not clap for dis recap.

  16. B – Rachel should from this moment on be referred to as Big Tits McGee. Or, I will even let you steal my nickname (which was stolen from the Simpsons) and use Hootie McBoob.

    I am loving this season so far and I don’t totally love or hate anyone just yes. I thought for sure I was going to hate Monet but so far she been somewhat reserved.

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