I had some doubts when I saw the cast for Big Brother 12 — I thought everyone seemed all so young, so white, so generic. However, I’m happy to report that so far, the season is pretty good! The personalities are meshing nicely, and quite frankly, the whole Saboteur twist, while gimmicky, has actually kept things very interesting so far. Truth is that I’m fairly torn about the big reveal on Thursday. Part of me definitely wants to know who it is because the curiosity is murdering me. The other part of me, however, is having way too much fun guessing the identity of this mysterious person. I’ve now officially felt that every single person in the house could be the mole, but for now, I still think Kristen is still the one to look out for. The big clue: she was all but absent during the entirety of Sunday’s show. What better way to catch us by surprise.
Of course, if Kristen were the Saboteur, clearly she would have done more to affect the outcome of her teams during the HOH and Have-and-Have-Not Challenges. To that end, she did nothing. The real problem child for the competitions has been Kathy, the elderly (a.k.a. forty year old) police woman who failed to grasp onto her hot dog for the Head of Household, and on last night’s show, wound up stuck in sticky caramel for apparently twenty minutes. Not a great way to prove innocence….
And let’s talk about that challenge, shall we? This was something of a retread of something last year where contestants had to crawl through “honey” and then tear apart feather pillows, and just like last season, the competition was painful to watch. Viewing some of these people (like Kathy) struggle through the caramel was reminiscent of some awful dream. You know what I’m talking about: the whole running-to-get-somewhere-but-going-nowhere motif. It’s kind of the worst. I swear I had some massive anxiety going on as I watched Kathy just LIE there, paralyzed by the muck. Sure, she could have been sabotaging her team, but I still couldn’t shake the feeling that she had succumbed to the elements, like an unlucky insect drawn to fly paper. I mean, how could she not even PULL herself up an INCH or two? I’m getting stressed out just thinking about it.
Less stressful and more amusing was the rise of our first ill-fated alliance of the season, titled The Brigade. Our dearest Enzo organized the whole thing by bringing in the braintrust of Matt, Lane, and Hayden. Male foursomes don’t really work so well on Big Brother (cough, The Four Horsemen), but that’s part of the charm. Watching this alliance crumble apart over the next two or three weeks will be divine, especially when Matt (who’s clearly too smart for this silliness) ultimately betrays the group, causing Enzo to go into a fury. I mean, the writing’s on the wall.
To the Brigade’s credit, there’s not a huge amount of idiotic preening going on. To the Brigade’s detriment, the nicknaming is out of control. First, let’s start with the alliance itself. Enzo spent a chunk of airtime comparing the whole strategy to a Mafia operation, but then when it came time to pick out a name, he went with Brigade? What about “The Family” or “The Paisans” or at least “Three Mooks and A Pizza Place?”
Even worse were the nicknames that Enzo doled out. We had The Beast (Lane), The Animal (Hayden), The Brains (or is it just The Brain? Either way, that’s Matt), and then curiously Meow Meow for Enzo himself. Why? Not totally sure. He claimed that it was his nickname from home, but that didn’t really clarify much for me. Last time I checked, intimidating manly men don’t often name themselves after kitty cats.
Elsewhere in the house, Brandon became the prime saboteur suspect after his whole toothbrush debacle last episode. He seemed unfazed by it all, and instead focused his attention on Rachel, who he discovered was a fellow science nerd. The two gushed / one-upped each other about their scientific knowledge, merits, and accomplishments, and somehow this translated into romance. Rachel was particularly wowed over and claimed to us that she absolutely loved nerds. Of course, I’d like to see that theory tested on someone who ISN’T hotter than 99% of the guys in America.
Anyway, while Chesty McBosompuff had hearts in her eyes, poor spiritually-orphaned Annie had to quietly pine for the love she left at home: a LADY LOVE. Annie pulled Ragan aside and revealed that she was… BISEXUAL! This was followed by tears, which made no real sense because who cries over bisexuality? She then claimed that she wasn’t ashamed of said bisexuality (counterpoint: tears, secrecy), and then the two shared a hug and a special bond. It was silly.
Meanwhile, Andrew continued to annoy everyone in the house, but alas, because of a loophole in the HOH competition, he wound up safe this week, which meant the house’s desire to get rid of him couldn’t come to fruition just yet. As for us, it’s at least five more episodes of hearing him make a whole bunch of forced Jewish references. Last night’s nugget: something awful about a rabbi performing a bris. Ugh.
With Andrew safe, Brandon and his budding showmance Rachel wound up on the block. Too bad. I don’t want either of them to go. Alas. Here are photos:
“My strategy? To smile pleasantly the entire game.”
“Hey Andrew, I just want you to know that if we ever ally together, I’m calling you Horsey Horsey.”
“Look how cozy I am. I feel like I’ve been baked right into a pan of kugel. You know, because I’m Jewish. Did I mention that yet?”
“Annie, no offense, but this is a Science Hammock. Bisexuals not allowed.”
“Hey, how did you know?”
“Those glasses? I mean, come on. You might as well wear an Anne Heche t-shirt.”
Brendon: “Wow, Rachel. That’s so cool you’re a scientist. Let’s brag about our credentials now!”
“Oh my God. Nothing turns me on like SCIENCE! I just want to take every scientific principle and nuzzle it in my BOOBS.”
“I didn’t want to tell anyone this, but I named my breasts Watson and Crick.”
“I just wanted to say that I’m a lesbian.”
“Oh, I’m sorry.”
“No, it’s a good thing.”
“For whom? Flannel salesmen?”
“I’m sorry. Did you not understand me? I have a PhD in communication; so that seems unlikely.”
“Technically, I’m bisexual.”
“Sure you are.”
“I just wanted to share.”
“Why are you crying?”
“Because I’m missing the Lilith Fair’s comeback this summer.”
“Oh, honey. Thank you for sharing that with me. NOW I know why you’re so frumpy all the time.”
“Hear me out people. I think the saboteur is most definitely a woman. Someone we’d never suspect. Possibly a blonde. Maybe someone who works in law enforcement. Certainly from the South. And definitely lacking an ability to crawl through viscous substances like, say, caramel. Any thoughts?”
Enzo: “Hey bro, how about a blow job?”
Enzo: “Okay, I been thinkin’ about this a lot. Me, yous, and all of them have gotta start an alliance. An alliance of four guys. Nothing can break us up. And as we all know, when four guys get together on Big Brother, it always lasts.”
“So we need to name ourselves, okay? I was thinkin’ that we’re like a club. And for guys only. And we’ll be causin’ a whole bunch of hairy situations. So I’m thinking… Hair Club for Men?”
Enzo: “Okay, Lane is The Beast. Hayden is The Animal. I’ll be the Meow Meow. And Matt is the Brains.”
Matt: “Why are you all animals, and I’m a body part?”
Hayden: “And how is The Animal different from The Beast?”
Lane: “And what IS a beast anyway?”
Enzo: “Fine. Lane, you’re Woof Woof; Hayden, you’re Moo Moo; I’m still Meow Meow; and Matt, you’re The Brains.”
Matt: “Wait, why am I still The Brains?”
Enzo: “Brains don’t make a sound.”
Matt: “Why can’t I be an animal?”
Enzo: “Hayden’s The Animal.”
Hayden: “I thought I was Moo Moo.”
Lane: “That’s a lot like Meow Meow.”
Enzo: “No, it’s not. One moos, the other meows.”
Lane: “Can you be Caw Caw instead?”
Enzo: “NO. I’M FUCKING MEOW MEOW!”
Matt: “And why ARE you Meow Meow anyway?”
Enzo: “Because I’m a pussy.”
“Wait a second. What’s a Brigade? Why don’t we call ourselves ‘Meow: The Brainy Beastimal?”
“I swear I’m in top physical shape, y’all. I’m a Deputy Sheriff for crying out loud. Then again, my jurisdiction is the Livin’ Pretty Texarkana Senior Living Center, but that’s neither here nor there.”
“This is more frustrating than the time I accidentally purchased a DVD about female sleep disorders instead of Dreamgirls.”
Enzo: “I need to get through this caramel. Meow Meow powers, ACTIVATE!”
“Oh my God! I loved seeing Brandon’s shorts fall off! The only thing that could have turned me on more would have been SCIENCE!!”
“It’s so lonely here at the table alone. I feel like the last matzoh at Pesach. Get it? Because I’m Jewish.”
“Wait a second… I think I just crapped myself. Nope. False alarm. Mazel mazel!”
“I feel like I’m standing at the Wailing Wall. Get it? Because I’m Jewish.”
“Wait a second… where am I?”
What did you think about the nominations? Who’s the SABOTEUR?