Hair pulling is the new table flipping.
So I guess this is the way it goes with The Real Housewives of New Jersey. Like last year, we had to wait an entire boring season in order to get to the good stuff at the end. Granted, I don’t know how many episodes are left of this clusterfudge, but I sense we’re nearing the end, and I can only hope things continue to get better.
The big news tonight was that we finally saw the grand, epic, out-of-control fight that Bravo has been hyping for what seems like an eternity (or as I like to call it, an Andy Cohen awkward moment). I’ve been conditioned to expect not much from Bravo cliffhangers, but I’m proud to report that the fight (whose origins we saw on the previous episode) was just as big and messy as I could have dreamed. And what made it better was that really, there was very little fighting. Just a whole bunch of running, screaming, and angry bystanders who all began shouting expletives.
Of course, it wasn’t all benign. We did catch some casual assault as America’s Next Top Model Ashley yanked Danielle’s janky weave. It wasn’t as fun as ShereÃ© tugging on Kim’s wig on Atlanta, but it certainly was more forceful. Clumps ensued.
Here’s what happened:
When we last caught up with the gals, Teresa was pretending to be not just nice to Danielle, but “a lady,” a term she laughably used to describe herself on many occasions this episode. Clearly, though, ladylike behavior takes on a whole different meaning in Jersey because Teresa was far from polite. Or friendly. Or refined. She baited Danielle with small talk, making the perhaps questionable claim that she was in fact a “sweet person.” When Danielle refuted this assessment, Teresa was moved to use the word “honey,” but let’s be honest. Teresa didn’t say honey like “Hey, honey! I love you!” It was more like “Shut the fuck up, HONEY.” Of course, Danielle’s interpretation was much more severe. I believe it was something like “I WANT TO KILL YOU!” Then again, Danielle sees death threats in everything around her. I’m sure she thinks AOL is out to sever her head every time an email gets bounced back.
Nevertheless, Teresa called Danielle “honey,” Danielle told her to not call her “honey,” Teresa countered with “bitch,” and then sometime shortly after that, the screaming began. F-Bombs started falling like we were in WWII London, and soon a head-swiveling Teresa was out of her chair, delivering perhaps the greatest line in reality TV history:
“DON’T YOU FORGET, GIRLFRIEND, I’M FROM PATERSON!!!! DID YOU FORGET? DID YOU FORGET???”
To me, the night could have ended there. The credits could have rolled, and I would have said “YES. IT WAS WORTH IT.”
But it continued!
Teresa wound up bragging that she lived in a $5 million house, to which Danielle observed was in foreclosure. This bit of honesty did not go over well. Teresa barked back, “It’s not in foreclosure, BITCH!” which was significant because it marked the only time all episode Teresa used the term “in foreclosure” and not “under foreclosure.” (And let’s not talk about the $11 million of debt Teresa’s in) Grammatical idiosyncrasies aside, Teresa was livid at the foreclosure accusation, and sensing that perhaps the beast was about to be unleashed, Danielle went trotting away from the scene with her ultimately ineffective bodyguard trailing behind.
Meanwhile, mother of the year Jacqueline got into the mix by charging after Danielle and barraging her with silly proclamations like “That’s a different house!” or “I read your court records!” The scene quickly went chaotic as Danielle zipped through the crowded country club, all to the sound of plates rattling and glasses falling over, perhaps added by Bravo to enhance the silly drama unfolding. No need for sound effects though when you’ve got Teresa screaming “You’re a coke whore!” (and variations of said phrase) left and right. Apparently “coke whore” is the reigning insult in Franklin Lakes as it was just one episode prior that Danielle was using the same words to describe Jacqueline’s daughter, Ashley.
Nevertheless, people tried to stop the feuding women (one anonymous woman oddly petted Teresa’s thick mane of hair while another seethed, “This is such FUCKING BULLSHIT!”), and in the midst of it all, Danielle’s heel broke, and so too perhaps did her spirit. The moment she broke free of the club, stepping out into the fresh New Jersey air, Danielle became some strange petrified bunny, shaking and trembling in the bushes while her bodyguard tended to her. She clearly knew she was finally safe and could at last commence the ridiculous histrionics. Oh, and they were ridiculous. Danielle first claimed that she was going to pass out, and then announced she couldn’t move, paralyzed with FEAR. Yes, the horrific trauma of a country club imbroglio. It’s amazing anyone can survive.
Meanwhile, the scene unfolding in the club was looking like lost footage from 2012 as people ran en mass to the exit. Kim G attempted to rein in the raging bull that was Teresa, but that foreclosure comment had really gotten under her skin. She wanted to settle things. Screaming, shaking, and lots of Kim G’s dress sparkling ensued, and eventually, the Cindy McCain lookalike did what she should have done all along: summoned her Bentley. Kim then moved her attention over to Danielle, ordering her friend to “Calm down! CALM DOWN! CALM DOWN!!!!” I swear we were just one slap away from a perfect moment, but alas, all Kim did was shake Danielle, who was now alleging that she could no longer breathe. That’s right, she couldn’t move or breathe. And to recap, all that had happened was that she had walked hastily out of the country club, breaking a heel in the process.
At this point, Danielle had taken to acting like such a victim that she literally needed her bodyguard to swoop her up and carry her in his arms, Kevin Costner style. But before that could even happen, professional idiot Ashley sauntered into the scene and pulled Danielle’s weave so hard that a chunk of it came out. Surely, this probably stung, but this was Danielle we were talking about. She acted as if she’d been literally shot in the face with an Uzi. The wails of pain and torture were second to none.
As for Teresa, a random gay was now holding her back, imploring her to “show that you’re a classy person.” Sorry dude, but I think somewhere between the chinchilla blazer and the hair that resembled a small-scale version of the BP oil spill, any attempts at class were long gone.
Eventually, Danielle wound up in the back of Kim G’s Bentley, and instead of driving away, the two just sat there, with Danielle crying and acting mortally wounded. Soon Teresa was hovering about the car like a hungry shark, prompting Jacqueline to march over and attempt to grab her friend away. Unfortunately, Ashley ambled over too, but she was quickly sent away by her mom, and feeling rejected, the girl moped “I love how you pick Danielle over your own daughter!” Seriously, there was not a lot of brain power on display.
For the next ten minutes or so, we then watched as Danielle tried to throw her weight around with the police, attempting to get the authorities to throw pretty much everyone in jail. Amusingly though, none of the cops really took her seriously, and they all apparently had dealt with Danielle’s craziness before; so after questioning various people (including a belligerent Teresa, who clearly the cops had forgotten was from PATERSON), the whole situation eventually fizzled out, and everyone went home.
Of course, this epic donnybrook was so out of control that we needed a recap immediately. The rest of the episode pretty much centered around the various women re-telling exactly what we had just seen, but with their own warped spin on the situation. Teresa framed the fight as an attempt at friendliness on her part (a laughable and bogus assertion) gone unreciprocated. Jacqueline (who did a brief but hilarious Teresa impersonation) was less self-serving in her version, but again gave us more of the same. Danielle, meanwhile, described the evening as a tense battle for her life, literally suggesting that Teresa and Jacqueline wanted to murder her and leave her kids without a mom. Across the board, it was all wack-a-doodle.
Perhaps the most ridiculous recreation of the night came from Teresa (for a second recap), who reenacted some of the fight’s finer points for Joe. The display was sort of embarrassing, only because Teresa had the storytelling prowess of her nine-year-old daughter, Gia. The woman is not smart, folks.
Similarly daft is Ashley, but her saving grace is that she’s eighteen and still understandably immature. The episode ended with Jacqueline and her husband sitting her down and telling her essentially that actions have consequences, and that she better get her act together, STAT. When Ashley responded back with some snotty remarks, Chris awesomely shut her down, telling her to shut her mouth before he kicks her out of the house. It was great. Big ups to dad on that. (And big downs to Jacqueline for at first snickering over Ashley’s Facebook status “Unbe-weave-able” and then acted as if she didn’t).
Also sprinkled throughout the episode were Albie’s continued attempts to get his law school career back on track (he hired a lawyer), but that wasn’t nearly as fun as everything else. I’ve talked too much. Here are the pictures:
Danielle: “Don’t call me honey.”
Kim: “And stop staring at my sex hair.”
“How about bitch? Do you want me to call you bitch instead? I’M FROM PATERSON, HONEY! Oh wait, I meant, I’M FROM PATERSON, BITCH! Wait, which am I saying again? Bitch or honey?”
Danielle: “What is that ghetto thing you’re doing?”
Teresa: “I’m from Paterson, bitch.”
“What is that? Whore capital of the world?”
“No, it’s awesome capital of the world.”
“I will not clap.”
Kim: “Teresa, SIT DOWN! I will not hesitate to call my husband, Senator John McCain!!!”
“Excuse me, I am a prostitution whore, not a coke whore. Pay attention, PUH-LEEZ.”
“This is such fucking bullshit. All I wanted was to come to a classy fashion show and watch a bunch of orange-skinned girls with Bumpits walk on the runway.”
“Show that you’re a classy person, Teresa. Because everyone knows that only classy people go to the POSCHE fashion show.”
Kim G: “Calm down, would ya?”
“I am NOT under foreclosure. I am merely $11 million in debt, and that’s tooootally different.”
Danielle: “I can’t move! I can’t breathe! GET HER AWAY FROM ME!!!”
Kim G: “Calm down! Calm down!!!”
“I can’t calm down! My heel broke. It was MURDERED by those women!! HEEL MURDERERS!!! I will not clap.”
“HARRY! HARRY! We need to get her into the car immediately. She has brain fever. At the current rate of inflation, her brain will laterally explore within the next three houses!!!”
“Kim, you’re Soapdishing again.”
“Okay, okay. Just get me to the car. And make sure no one does anything crazy like pulling my hair or whatever.”
“I’m a bodyguard. You think anyone’s gonna get by me?”
“MY HAIR! MY HAIR! MY BEAUTIFUL HAIR!!! I can already feel my left boob imploding again. WHHHHHYYYYYYYY!?!?!?!?!?”
“SOMEONE PULLED MY HAIR!! I CAN’T BREATHE!! I’VE BEEN MURDERED!!! I’M DEAD!!!! I CAN’T WALK!!!! GET ME OUT OF HERE!!! OH THE HORROR OF PULLED HAIR!!!”
“Love and light! Or as I like to say, dumb and Cheetohs!”
“And another thing, if your daughter is such a hot effin model, why wasn’t she invited to do the POSCHE fashion show, huh? HUH? You’re talking to a real model here, y’hurrrd?”
“I pulled her fucking weave out. Who cares? I’m going to be a MODEL!!!”
“Ashley, get out of here RIGHT NOW.”
“So you’re choosing Danielle over your daughter? That’s great, mom. That’s great.”
“Wow, you really are an idiot. I think I WILL choose Danielle now that I think about it.”
Kim G: “Don’t mind me. I’m just here to play both sides.”
“Officer, I was just being a lady. Because that’s what I am. A classy lady. I even have my Classy Lady chinchilla on. When I wear it, it means I’m being classy, which I am anyway. AND WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU LOOKING AT, BITCH??”
Kim D: “Nothin’.”
“I need to go home! I need to go home! There’s been an attempt on my life! Tell my daughters I love them. I don’t think I can make it. I’m… I’m slipping away. Promise me one thing, Kim. You will… not… clap…”
“Look what they did to me! They pulled out my hair!”
“I thought it was your weave.”
“It was my weave AND my hair. Pay attention, puh-LEEZ!”
“Technically, that coke whore Ashley pulled thousands of hairs from my head, and now those follicles are dead. That’s murder. And I will not stand for that. I want her arrested and charged with HAIR HOMICIDE!!!”
“Okay, you bitches are crazy.”
“Albie, don’t let ANYONE tell you you can’t do something. People said I couldn’t have an entire living room in leopard print, and look at us now!”
“And so I says, ‘hey honey’ and she’s all ‘don’t call me honey’ and I’m all, ‘I’ll call you honey,’ and– Joe. JOE. Are you listenin’? So I says ‘hey honey.’ Did you hear that? I says it just like that. ‘Hey honey.’ It’s a nice word. I’m being nice. I’m a lady. Joe, you listenin’?”
“Oh Joe… You can foreclose me ANY day!”
“Ew, I hate you mom. You’re so UNBEWEAVEABLE.”
“We keep telling you, Ashley. The joke doesn’t work on me.”
“And how DARE YOU suggest that just because I laughed at your status update that I tacitly approved it! And JUST BECAUSE I said ‘you should post that!’ doesn’t mean I condoned you posting it. Jesus, Ashley. Get it together!”
What did you think about the episode? What about the fight? Did it live up to the hype? I also know I left out a billion things. Talk about them here!