For the first time in weeks, we had an episode of The Real Housewives of New Jersey featuring almost none of the Kims (aside from a brief Kim G cameo), and guess what? It wasn’t nearly as fun. That being said, it wasn’t a total snoozefest either. The focused on three milestone moments: Joe and Teresa’s ten year anniversary; Christine Staub’s super Sweet Sixteen; and Jacqueline’s daughter receiving the first of what will surely be many court summonses in her lifetime. Yes, Ashley was finally served with papers, and as usual, she just giggled them off with vapid glee, causing continued frustration for her mom (who’s no great genius herself). Jacqueline and her husband Chris then went through the usual routines of reminding their daughter that her future could be ruined, but Ashley just rolled her eyes yet again and stormed out of the house with her stupid knit cap. Truthfully, I’m a little bit on Ashley’s side on this. After all, don’t Jacqueline and Chris realize how wrong they are? Ashley’s not going to jeopardize her future. She has no future.
Speaking of grim prospects, we also spent some time (perhaps too much) with Teresa and Joe, who were preparing for their ten year anniversary. Despite the fact that the couple is in such financial distress that they have to sell all their belongings, Teresa spent the first half of the episode nagging her husband for a gift like a spoiled child (a.k.a. her children), which clearly distressed the stocky mook to no end. Why else would he be sweating profusely while playing the hits-too-close-to-home game of Monopoly. Nothing like finances to cause some anxiety at the Giudice household.
Nevertheless, Joe rolled out the red carpet for his wife, sending her on a helicopter ride over Manhattan before settling down for a romantic dinner at the Jersey City Westin. This led to the presentation of a ring in a cake, which certainly made Teresa happy, what with her request for a gift on par with the Crown Jewels — just like an “Arabic,” as she said. Again, not a lot of brainpower in that faux French Chateau over theirs.
Oddly enough, the most endearing thread of the night came courtesy of Danielle and her daughters. Christine was going to have a huge Sweet 16 party, but the real story was that oft overlooked Jillian was going to sing a little song at the event. According to Danielle, Jillian is a songwriter and an artist — lofty words for a thirteen year old suburban kid, but nevertheless, I get the proud momma thing. Besides, as crazy as Danielle is, she certainly has big ambitions for her children, perhaps more than have been evident in any of the other teens on the show (Albie is perhaps the exception; although, his recent enrollment in the police academy may suggest otherwise — why isn’t he working as a paralegal in his downtime?).
Anyway, ahead of her performance, Jillian was heartbreakingly nervous, and while Danielle was trying to build up her daughter with confidence, it also didn’t help that she heaped on the pressure by casually noting how this was a make-or-break opportunity for the kid and that SHE HAD TO DO IT. Poor Jillian. She so clearly is the second fiddle to her older, model sister. Watching Christine try on a variety of sleek, fashionable dresses followed by Jillian’s frumpy gettup was both hilarious, cute, and ultimately sad. I think Jillian just became the poster child for awkward adolescence. And P.S.: she’s now my favorite person on this show.
The good news is that she did a perfectly fine job with her song (you know, for Jillian), which meant Danielle didn’t have to spent time consoling a crying daughter but could instead indulge in passive-aggressive remarks, such as cheerfully thanking her ex-husband for being on time for once. Danielle also just happened to wear her old engagement ring to the party, which she insisted was now merely a beautiful ring to wear. Of course, Danielle sees beauty in vengeance; so I suppose yeah, the ring is a stunner if you look at it that way.
Anyway, here are pics:
“Hey Tree, there’s a rip in the Monopoly board. And look, someone put all dees little houses and hotels on it. And now there’s a shoe on the board. And a thimble. What the heck is going on here?”
Caroline: “Let me just put this out there, Jacqueline. Your daughter’s an idiot.”
Caroline: “Of course, I got my own problems. My kids don’t eat my cooking no more. They say their tired of eating food that’s prepared on the same counter I plop my ass on every day. They grow up so fast.”
Caroline: “Tell me about the police academy, Albie.”
“Well, it’s like one really long class at law school, drawn out over several months.”
“So basically… New Jersey cops are like really dumb lawyers. Great!”
“Jillian, I just want you to know there will be 300 guests at the party, and this opportunity may shape the rest of your life, and should you fail at it, you will be opening yourself up to at least two years of taunting. But no pressure!”
“Mom, I just want to be alone with my craft.”
“Jillian, your sister is the pretty one. That means you have to be the talented one. If you can’t live up to that, then I’m afraid there’s nothing left in life for you. No pressure though!”
“Joe, the shirts don’t fit ya anymore. Ya gotta stop liftin’ weights!”
“Yeah, I’m gettin’ bigger because of the weights. Yeah… yeah… Now pass me that tray of lasagna.”
“Aw, Joe, did you fart in the helicopter?”
“A lil bit.”
“You bought me a giant ring!!! And what else?”
“Whattadaya mean, what else?”
“What else did you get me?”
“I got you a limo, a helicopter ride, a hotel suite, a private dinner, and a ring.”
“Yeah. And what else?”
“Uh… I got nothin.”
“Oh. I guess you don’t really love me.”
“C’mon, Tree. What else did you want?”
“I dunno. Maybe another suit of armor for the game room?”
“My daughters are growing up so quickly. Soon, they’ll know what it’s like to be TERRORIZED THROUGH A COUNTRY CLUB.”
Danielle: “I look forward to the day when I no longer have to fear the Manzos and can go to a Sweet 16 without a entourage of horny teenagers to protect me.”
“No one’s going to pull my hair again. They mess with me, they get the elbows. And let me assure you, I just had them sharpened.”
“Okay, who put the balloon hat on my elbow? I didn’t come here to be TERRORIZED THROUGH A COUNTRY CLUB, or a Sweet Sixteen, as it were.”
“Alright, that’s E-FUCKIN-NUFF!”
“I dedicate this song to Kim Zolciak and LuAnn DeLesseps. I call it SUCK IT BITCHES!”
What did you think about the episode? Thoughts on Danielle’s ex? What about Jillian and Ashley?