REAL HOUSEWIVES PHOTOCAP: Milestones All Around

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For the first time in weeks, we had an episode of The Real Housewives of New Jersey featuring almost none of the Kims (aside from a brief Kim G cameo), and guess what? It wasn’t nearly as fun. That being said, it wasn’t a total snoozefest either. The focused on three milestone moments: Joe and Teresa’s ten year anniversary; Christine Staub’s super Sweet Sixteen; and Jacqueline’s daughter receiving the first of what will surely be many court summonses in her lifetime. Yes, Ashley was finally served with papers, and as usual, she just giggled them off with vapid glee, causing continued frustration for her mom (who’s no great genius herself). Jacqueline and her husband Chris then went through the usual routines of reminding their daughter that her future could be ruined, but Ashley just rolled her eyes yet again and stormed out of the house with her stupid knit cap. Truthfully, I’m a little bit on Ashley’s side on this. After all, don’t Jacqueline and Chris realize how wrong they are? Ashley’s not going to jeopardize her future. She has no future.

Speaking of grim prospects, we also spent some time (perhaps too much) with Teresa and Joe, who were preparing for their ten year anniversary. Despite the fact that the couple is in such financial distress that they have to sell all their belongings, Teresa spent the first half of the episode nagging her husband for a gift like a spoiled child (a.k.a. her children), which clearly distressed the stocky mook to no end. Why else would he be sweating profusely while playing the hits-too-close-to-home game of Monopoly. Nothing like finances to cause some anxiety at the Giudice household.

Nevertheless, Joe rolled out the red carpet for his wife, sending her on a helicopter ride over Manhattan before settling down for a romantic dinner at the Jersey City Westin. This led to the presentation of a ring in a cake, which certainly made Teresa happy, what with her request for a gift on par with the Crown Jewels — just like an “Arabic,” as she said. Again, not a lot of brainpower in that faux French Chateau over theirs.

Oddly enough, the most endearing thread of the night came courtesy of Danielle and her daughters. Christine was going to have a huge Sweet 16 party, but the real story was that oft overlooked Jillian was going to sing a little song at the event. According to Danielle, Jillian is a songwriter and an artist — lofty words for a thirteen year old suburban kid, but nevertheless, I get the proud momma thing. Besides, as crazy as Danielle is, she certainly has big ambitions for her children, perhaps more than have been evident in any of the other teens on the show (Albie is perhaps the exception; although, his recent enrollment in the police academy may suggest otherwise — why isn’t he working as a paralegal in his downtime?).

Anyway, ahead of her performance, Jillian was heartbreakingly nervous, and while Danielle was trying to build up her daughter with confidence, it also didn’t help that she heaped on the pressure by casually noting how this was a make-or-break opportunity for the kid and that SHE HAD TO DO IT. Poor Jillian. She so clearly is the second fiddle to her older, model sister. Watching Christine try on a variety of sleek, fashionable dresses followed by Jillian’s frumpy gettup was both hilarious, cute, and ultimately sad. I think Jillian just became the poster child for awkward adolescence. And P.S.: she’s now my favorite person on this show.

The good news is that she did a perfectly fine job with her song (you know, for Jillian), which meant Danielle didn’t have to spent time consoling a crying daughter but could instead indulge in passive-aggressive remarks, such as cheerfully thanking her ex-husband for being on time for once. Danielle also just happened to wear her old engagement ring to the party, which she insisted was now merely a beautiful ring to wear. Of course, Danielle sees beauty in vengeance; so I suppose yeah, the ring is a stunner if you look at it that way.

Anyway, here are pics:

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“Hey Tree, there’s a rip in the Monopoly board. And look, someone put all dees little houses and hotels on it. And now there’s a shoe on the board. And a thimble. What the heck is going on here?”

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Caroline: “Let me just put this out there, Jacqueline. Your daughter’s an idiot.”

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Caroline: “Of course, I got my own problems. My kids don’t eat my cooking no more. They say their tired of eating food that’s prepared on the same counter I plop my ass on every day. They grow up so fast.”

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Caroline: “Tell me about the police academy, Albie.”
“Well, it’s like one really long class at law school, drawn out over several months.”
“So basically… New Jersey cops are like really dumb lawyers. Great!”

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“Jillian, I just want you to know there will be 300 guests at the party, and this opportunity may shape the rest of your life, and should you fail at it, you will be opening yourself up to at least two years of taunting. But no pressure!”

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“Mom, I just want to be alone with my craft.”

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“Jillian, your sister is the pretty one. That means you have to be the talented one. If you can’t live up to that, then I’m afraid there’s nothing left in life for you. No pressure though!”

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“Joe, the shirts don’t fit ya anymore. Ya gotta stop liftin’ weights!”
“Yeah, I’m gettin’ bigger because of the weights. Yeah… yeah… Now pass me that tray of lasagna.”

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“Aw, Joe, did you fart in the helicopter?”
“A lil bit.”

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“You bought me a giant ring!!! And what else?”
“Whattadaya mean, what else?”
“What else did you get me?”
“That’s it.”
“Hahahaha. Seriously.”
“I got you a limo, a helicopter ride, a hotel suite, a private dinner, and a ring.”
“Yeah. And what else?”
“Uh… I got nothin.”
“Oh. I guess you don’t really love me.”
“C’mon, Tree. What else did you want?”
“I dunno. Maybe another suit of armor for the game room?”

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“My daughters are growing up so quickly. Soon, they’ll know what it’s like to be TERRORIZED THROUGH A COUNTRY CLUB.”

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Danielle: “I look forward to the day when I no longer have to fear the Manzos and can go to a Sweet 16 without a entourage of horny teenagers to protect me.”

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“No one’s going to pull my hair again. They mess with me, they get the elbows. And let me assure you, I just had them sharpened.”

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“Okay, who put the balloon hat on my elbow? I didn’t come here to be TERRORIZED THROUGH A COUNTRY CLUB, or a Sweet Sixteen, as it were.”

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“Alright, that’s E-FUCKIN-NUFF!”

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“I dedicate this song to Kim Zolciak and LuAnn DeLesseps. I call it SUCK IT BITCHES!”

What did you think about the episode? Thoughts on Danielle’s ex? What about Jillian and Ashley?

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29 thoughts on “REAL HOUSEWIVES PHOTOCAP: Milestones All Around

  1. to quote kelly bensimon, danielle’s proclamation that her 11 year old was an “artist” making her musical “debut” by singing a song at her older sister’s sweet 16 party was plain creepy. danielle, living vicariously through your children by imposing your delusions of grandeur on them is “gross.”

  2. I enjoyed the episode even though it wasn’t nearly as bombastic as the last few episodes. I think Caroline is the only sane one on the show.

    Danielle is a piece of work. Hopefully Jillian will learn to embrace autotune in her evolution to becoming the next Debbie Gibson.

    Ashley annoys the hell out of me. Too bad Danielle can’t wipe that constant smirk off of her face. For some reason Jacqueline’s cluelessness amuses me.

    Poor Albie. Kind of interesting he went the cop route and not the paralegal route as you mentioned.

    I can’t wait until next season when we see Teresa in the empty mansion pregnant with her fifth kid. Joe needs some balls.

    • The one thing common here is that all the posts are from women. The funny thing about this “so called reality show” is that these idiot women don’t live in a world of reality. Whats worse is that women like the ones who follow this crap are no better.

      The really funny but sad thing about this crap… is that You women are really pathetic.

      So let the judgement begin ladies….. what Witty response shall we come up with now? lol

  3. is there a picture of her ex anywhere? i must have missed when he was on the screen. i’m assuming he’s really good looking because the older sister is gorgeous and that surely didn’t come from danielle

    • He is in the photo of Danielle with her sharp elbows. He wasn’t a bad looking man. It’s clear that his girls got all their blonde prettiness from him

  4. I especially liked the way Jillian told the Beige friend of Danielle’s that she isn’t Suri Cruise and would not wear heels.

    The balloon animal and sombrero are CLASSIC!! I love these pics.

  5. I thought the episode was pretty enjoyable. I felt so terrible for little Jillian. What a mess her life is. Both of those girls need to save themselves by running away to their father’s forever.

    Dina was right, Ashley needs an ass kickin!

  6. Danielle’s ex looks totally normal, not some jersey thug that I thought he would be aka Danny, he had to have divorced her, and probably owes her no money

    When Jillian’s stomach was hurting before her debut, Danielle from afar, says whats wrong with her, and never walked over to her child to help her, her ex did which totally put him on the good guy list for me

    Its really too bad that everything Danielle does whether for her daughters, for a friend who has a baby with cancer, anything, always turns into the Danielle show!!! She is such a skank

    It was hard watching Teresa & Joe and the huge yellow diamond, do you think it was real???

  7. I loved how they kept flashing on the waiter during Teresa’s dinner. He looked like he wanted to be anywhere but there.
    You captured Teresa’s high maintenance quality.

    Danielle can say she’s a wonderful mother all she wants, I’m not buying it. I think those kids are raising themselves.

    The elbow pictures were great. :)

  8. Not that I needed more proof of how off her rocker Danielle is but YEESH. The ring was one thing but her tone deaf kid? Being forced to sing in a room of 200+ teenagers? I am all for parents encouraging their kids and their talents but it is so clearly Danielle’s need for fame that she is imposing on her kids. It is beyond sad.

    Like: Albie as a cop. Dislike: his mom pointing out how hot he will be in uniform.

  9. I found it all kind of depressing… the scenes with Theresa and Joe were so hard to take knowing that their life is a total sham and that whole birthday was paid with money they didn’t have. I am sure that huge ring is up for auction. T&J are getting what is owed to them for their horrible behavior but I do feel really bad for the little girls. Must be traumatic.

    Also must be traumatic to be one of Danielle’s kids! Talk about pressure! Everytime she opens her mouth those little girls cringe like they know she is completely looney-tunes. Sad. Her ex seemed like a nice guy who was MORTIFIED to be part of the show. I LOL’d when Danielle announce how expensive the party was, but because it was all for ‘charity’ she got everything for FREE!! Wheeeeeeeeeeeee!

    Thanks for the funny recap to lighten this one up!

  10. Joe’s Community Chest card : The Bank is foreclosing on Park Place, go directly to Baltic Avenue. Do not pass Go. Do not collect $200

    Danielle’s ex looks like he has some Botox/facial work done and that hair reminds me of the thin crop on Enzo’s head (bb12).

    Ashley needs an Orange jumpsuit, a plastic trash bag and a littered Jersey highway.

    Loved BravoAndy’s shout out to Ben Weiner and Camp.

    hb

  11. Methinks Albie’s failing grades at his law school weren’t due to a learning disability but that he just couldn’t cut it. I have a feeling he might be a lightweight.

    I was pulling for Jillian. I was totally feeling her insecurity and shyness.

    Ashley’s horrible.

  12. Just realized this is the second time in Housewives history that poets and helicopters have converged.

  13. I have come to realize there is a bigger plot going on with the Albie = police academy situation going on. Can we all breath easier knowing in the future when Danielle calls the police it will be Albie Manzo who will come to her rescue. Sure, the Manzo’s are not out to kill her at all.

    I also noticed Jillian’s step mama in the above pictures looked to be sucking a dill pickle – and about 30 years younger that Danielle. Nice blow to the ego there.

  14. And why has no one mentioned the previews for next week!!!!!!!!!!!
    The lack of Kim G was needed this week to set us up for the fight of all fights
    Danielle vs Kim G!

  15. I think the blonde kid in black drew the short straw for the picture at the step & repeat at the Sweet 16 party-could he be trying any harder to not touch Danielle?

    Joe’s “poem” reminded me af Andrew Dice Clay…roses are red, violets are blue, make me a sandwich b****h! Or something like that.

  16. Wow…this is the perfect preview for tomorrow’s viewing.

    I’m sad that I won’t hear the melodic sounds of Kim G. wailing, “CALM DOWN! CALM DOWN!” but am looking forward to Teresa’s whining. :)

  17. It was also pretty obvious that Danielle was flailing her hands about constantly while her ex-husband and his new wife were around. Because she just happened to be wearing her old engagement ring. Also, if she can barely make her house payments and her kids need school supplies why doesn’t she sell the ring?! DUH!

  18. I’m finding this season oh so boring. J&T are really working overtime to keep their paycheck coming in. It is embarassing to watch them interact as a family. T wears way too much makeup and looks old and puffy.

    Can’t stand Danielle’s horsey face anymore. As a previous poster said, her kids do actually cringe every time their mother opens her mouth. I do too. I find myself sick to my stomach after watching interact with them. I think she lacks total empathy and those girls are going to be outta there as soon as possible.

    Albie is not too bright at all. I wish they would drop that storyline… who cares! Also, drop Ashley’s as well. Every scene is so unnatural that it is hard to watch (i.e. Joe and Chris talking about his anniversary.. huh)!. They really need new friends and get rid of Caroline…. she’s boring.

  19. I think both Christine & Jillian are pretty girls — it isn’t fair to judge Jillian against her older sister because she is only 11 and hasn’t developed yet — I bet anything she will blossom into a stunner like her sister.
    Danielle’s make-up at the party was ridiculous — was that glitter on her false eyelashes? What a contrast to the plain Jane the new wife is.
    I really didn’t need to see T & J on the bed in that hotel room –the image is burned into my brain & keeping me up nights.

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