Well, it was the annual “Fast Forward” edition of Big Brother last night, which crammed one week of gameplay into a single, scant hour. I always enjoy these episodes, even if it means that at least one person gets something of a raw deal. Last night’s was no different; however, while the competitions were fun to watch, the outcomes proved to be as predictable as ever. Just goes to show that even during a week of impressive (for this cast) strategizing, we can’t always expect true fireworks.
Truth be told, the exciting stuff happened at the top of the episode as we watched footage from the house after the Veto ceremony. Ragan not only was mad at Matt for his betrayal, but he wisely sniffed out the Brigade, simply by analyzing Enzo’s word choice. No surprise there. The guy IS a doctor of communication. Of course he’ll be able to read between the lines.
Ragan then talked to Matt about his suspicions about the Brigade, causing Matt to have a lightbulb moment. Or so he claimed. At first Matt was concerned that the whole Brigade charade was about to fall apart, but then he filled us in to his big plan. I know what you’re thinking: he’d out the alliance that had already betrayed him and rally the likes of Brendon, Ragan, and Britney to his side.
Eh, not so much.
Instead, Matt scurried back to his boyz and suggested that if he were kept in the house, he could control Ragan and prevent him from breaking up the Brigade. This was an idiotic plan because a) it was just a flimsy offering, and b) ejecting Enzo instead would have done more damage to the Brigade than any idle threats from Ragan. Clearly this was the wrong tactic on Matt’s part, and his inability to turn the tables on his once loyal bros proved that he was clearly not the super genius, alpha strategist that he had claimed to be. It also proved that this season is just really lame.
Sure enough, Matt got the boot, and when he wasn’t fist-bumping the Chenbot (which was admittedly funny — mostly because of her, not him) or trying to be Joe Cool, Matt was chalking up his loss to throwing the HOH competition last week. Sure, that didn’t help things, but let’s not assume he would have won it. You lost because you’re weaselly, Matt. Straight up.
The rest of the episode played out rather predictably, if not entertainingly. During a frantic and frenetic HOH competition, Hayden pulled out an easy win by finding Matt and Rachel’s names in a giant pile of styrofoam peanuts. Afterwards, the cameras lingered on him and his Brigadeers as if there was any noteworthy strategy to hear, but of course, we knew who the nominees would be. You guessed it: Brendon and Ragan.
Next up came the old Before and After competition for the Veto, and as usual, I flunked massively in my attempt to play-along. Ragan, however, out lasted the gang, which threw a neat kink into the Hayden’s plan, but didn’t really screw too much up. Britney headed up to the block instead, and surprise surprise — Brendon got the axe.
This was followed by a lengthy and rather uninteresting Q&A with the Chenbot while the final five were left to celebrate their achievement. I guess it’s sort of cool. All I know is that we got three Brigade members, and two outsiders, and only one person who seems willing to go after the Boyz, and zero possibility for an epic fight or breakdown.
You all know me. I’m a huge Big Brother fan. I even loved the much maligned “winter” season. But I gotta say it.
This season sucks.
“I feel like Chilly friggin’ Willy. It’s like… c’mon, bro. Really? C’mon bro.”
“Just so you know, Ragan, I did not throw you under the bus. I merely said that Britney should nominate you instead of me because we’re not even friends at all, and because you are the worst person ever. Simple misunderstanding!”
Chenbot://ERROR: Invalid input. ‘Fist Bump’ not recognized.
“I guess if I had to change one thing, I wouldn’t have thrown that HOH challenge last week. Oh, and I also wouldn’t have been a total DOUCHE.”
Chenbot:// ERROR 402: camera obstruction. Protocol breached.
ERROR 502: Service Temporarily Overloaded.
Run Chenbot Script:// ?}”Matt, I need you to lean back NOW.”
Chenbot:// Abort script: ‘Throw To Commercial’
Error 606: Low memory. Commence Destroy-Matt.exe
“I know there’s gotta be a turtle in here somewhere. Just give me something to shoot. PLEASE.”
“The Meow Meow has gotta find some catnip in here. I mean, c’mon bro. C’mon… I mean… C’mon bro.”
Hayden: “Who do I put up?”
Lane: “Do we have any turtles you can nominate? A Koopa Troopa perhaps?”
Hayden: “What do you think, Enzo?”
Enzo: “You know what I think. I mean, c’mon bro. C’mon. It’s like… c’mon, bro.”
Ragan: “I just realized something. THERE MAY BE NO DEEP V-NECKS IN THE JURY HOUSE!!!”
Brendon: “I like this. I feel like I’m getting hugged by the booth.”
Lane: “No one saw me jerk off in here, right? Okay, good.”
“Ragan, I know you’re not going to use the Veto on me, but if you want to, I’d appreciate it.”
“Fat chance, neanderthal.”
“It’s neander– never mind. Not only do you never say it right, but you never listen when I correct you. It’s like you’re the worst communicator of all time.”
“YOU WATCH YOUR MOUTH. I am so good at communicating, you’d think I was a Doctor of it, WHICH I’M NOT.”
“I just wanna say that I have mad respect for all of you, and if you vote me out, that’s okay — as long as you hug me on the way out, I’ll be happy.”
Britney: “UGH. I would rather hug a cactus that was wrapped in electrical wire and poison toads and located at ground zero for the next nuclear attack than embrace Brendon again.”
“If you’re up for it, Lane, I’d be down to hold this embrace for about fifteen seconds.”
“Oh yeah. That’s a good one. Let’s really hug this one out. A little tighter, Hayden. Yeah. That’s a hug.”
“I’ve never hugged a man penguin before. But I dig it.”
“One last hug. Let’s make it count!”
“UGH. Brendon. You disgust me.”
“Hey, that was mean. Extra hug?”
“NeanderTAL need hug.”
“Is that supposed to sway me?”
“You mean, ‘hug it?'”
“Get off me!”
“You mean, ‘hug me?'”
“You’re arm raping me.”
“No means yes.”
“No means no.”
“And hug means hug.”
“Okay. Fine. But now America sees that you’re a monster.”
“I’m hardly a monster.”
“You are. And I’m a knight. And knights slay monsters.”
“You’re a knight? Where? In the royal kingdom of Pussyshire?”
“Hugs? Hugs? Just high fives? I guess that’s okay. I kind of want you guys to hold me and tell me everything’s okay though. No? Nothing?”
What did you think about the outcome?