It took about a month, but we finally had our first episode of Big Brother that featured extensive screaming and fighting, courtesy of the dearly departed Andrew, who conveniently informed the house that Hayden and Kristen were carrying on a secret showmance right under their noses. In the wake of this development, all sorts of shit went down, a chunk of which we actually saw on the live broadcast. Kristen and Hayden immediately went into denial mode; although, no one really believed them. I suppose their cause wasn’t helped by Hayden’s voice, which lilted like a choirboy whenever he lied.
Kristen meanwhile went on a psychotic rampage, unleashing that horrid Philadelphia accent of hers. She utterly denied having any sort of a showmance with Hayden, but the damage was done. When she later targeted Rachel during the HOH competition and subsequently lost to her, the fight was on. Rachel was sick and tired of having been targeted for being in a showmance when Kristen herself had been in one too. She unleashed her anger in the cattiest of ways, ridiculing and belittling her new enemy. As per usual, I fluctuated second by second between loving and hating Rachel, but in the end, I was happy to see her lash out at Kristen, who continued to deny any sort of sexual relationship with Hayden.
Sadly, this wasn’t one of those fights that managed to suck in the rest of the house. The cast members this year are too rational, and as a result, they just stood there and watched, privately laughing to themselves as these two bitches went at it. On the one hand, I totally empathized with them, but on the other hand, this is not what we sign up for on Big Brother. The rules are simple: two people start fighting about something petty, and then more and more people weigh in until it’s World War III, and we have no idea what the original fight was about in the first place. Is that so much to ask for?
Anyway, the brouhaha eventually settled down, but the tension between Rachel and Kristen continued to thicken. At one point Rachel attempted to apologize, but Kristen abruptly denied her, which was a curious move considering Rachel was HOH, and Kristen was… nothing. Later, Hayden had to practically beg Kristen to go play nice with Rachel, which she did, and for a moment there it sounded like Rachel was seriously considering not nominating her, but we knew this was misdirection. There was no way Rachel could sit in a bubble bath with Britney (the new queen of kissing ass — we like her again) and talk that much shit about Kristen without nominating her.
Aside from the big fight, there wasn’t too much more happening in the show. There was a silly challenge involving a sneak preview of The Other Guys, which came replete with a personalized and funny video from Will Ferrell and Mark Wahlberg (certainly a step up from the Jeremy Piven crap last season). Of all the luxury competitions we’ve seen, the obstacle course the players had to trot through was one of the goofiest, and yet, by the time it was all over, even I was chuckling along quietly. (Of particular note was Ragan’s gingerly approach to such things as moving platforms and a seesaw contraption).
As for the rest of the episode, it mostly focused on The Brigade trying to stay intact and secret as well as Matt bemoaning the fact that it’s just so impossible to get Rachel and Brendon out of power (cough, you had the chance last week, cough). This season is still suffering from the lack of a great villain and a great protagonist, but at least it’s showing some signs of life.
Here are pics:
“We do NOT have a showmance! He’s my brother!!! I ALWAYS give him handies!!!”
“Oh my GOD! How do we get these people out of the house??? It’s like we’ve tried everything!! Except, of course, nominating them when I was HoH.”
“WHAT’RE YOU TACKIN ABOUT? So I gave my brother a blow job. BIG DEAL!”
“Go back to Philly, bitch! No girl with a fashion degree is getting between me and MY MAN!”
“You think I care that my teeth disappear when I yell? Because I’ll tell ya: I DO NAT CARE!!! NAT AT ALL!!!”
“YER A HO-BAG! And I am NAT going to WAKK out of this house! You can TAKK the TAKK but you can’t WAKK the WAKK!!!”
“You do NAT intimidate me! NAT AT ALL!!!”
“Hahaha, I love all this communicating. It’s my passion, after all.”
Brendon: “Hey, if anyone’s interested in a hug, my arms are wide open. Anyone? I know I’d like one. Kathy, what do you think?”
Brendon: “You know, we can do a group hug too. C’mon. Join me and Rachel!”
“HEY Y’ALL! Just stop it. Stop it! We need to get along here, okay? We’re friends, and it’s important to remember one thing: I had cancer.”
Brendon: “Wow. That fighting was intense. I think I might need–”
Rachel: “Don’t say it, Brendon.”
“You’re gonna say that you want a hug, right?”
“Then what were you going to ask for?”
“Um… a hug?”
“I am NAT going home! NAT GANNA HAPPAN!”
“Now GET OUT OF HERE before I STAB YOU IN THE EYEBALL!”
Brendon: “omg omg omg. I didn’t know this competition would end with a triple hug!!!”
Enzo: “Oh yeeeaah. You like that Hayden? You feel the Meow Meow?”
“Yeah dude. That feels real nice. You’re like a balding version of Kristen.”
Brendon: “Hey guys? I’m coming in for a hug. Is that cool? Guys?”
Enzo: “All yous are on top of me.”
Hayden: “Never let it end.”
Enzo: “Time to get intimate. Meow meow.”
Rachel: “Ew, did you SEE the way those guys piled on top of each other today? No homoerotic threesome in a fake cop car is getting between me and MY MAN!”
Britney: “UGH, you are so much worse than Monet.”
“Hey guys. It’s time for the nomination ceremony. Also, I’ll be taking your drink order and bringing you out some fresh bread shortly.”
“I’d just like to announce that I’ve joined a cult and will be shortly departing this world as my spaceship is arriving tonight via meteor shower. And please don’t try to stop me. Ain’t no one getting between me and MY CULT!”
What did you think about the episode? Team Kristen or Team Rachel?