At long last, the much hyped, ill-advised, totally inflammatory LETTER was delivered on this week’s episode of Jersey Shore., and as expected, it made waves. If you don’t know what the hell I’m talking about, let me fill you in: resident ‘roid abuser / Lollipop Guild member Ronnie has been fooling around with girls at the club and then coming back home to his lapdog girl-thing, Sammi. It’s pretty deplorable behavior, but what’s made it even worse is that Ronnie has made the rest of his house-mates swear to secrecy about his infidelity. Not much of a problem for the boyz, as the bros before hos rule can happily be employed at any given moment. For the girls, however, it’s been a different story. They’ve been forced into an awkward position where they must weigh their loyalty to Sammi (who’s been an idiot for sticking with Sammi for a whole variety of other reasons) against their desire to keep things calm and copacetic in the house. Faced with this untenable decision, J-WOWW and Snooki decided to do the mature thing: no, not tell Sammi and curse out Ronnie for being so selfish and inconsiderate as to put them in such a terrible place. Instead, they went to an Internet cafÃ© and typed out an anonymous letter (using such advanced vocabulary as “wisely” and “boing”) that ratted out Ronnie. If this sounds like a bad idea, that’s because it is. However, I suppose when you’re twenty-one and half your brain’s been corroded away by hair spray, bronzer, and various Axe fumes, such decisions are bound to happen.
Well, the ladies finally delivered their letter to Sammi this week, and it certainly achieved its goals. Sammi immediately confronted Ronnie about his cheating, and he hemmed and hawed his way through explanations, ‘fessing up to some light infidelity — so as to appear open and honest — but politely denying such things as the three-way kiss he found himself enjoying in front of the MTV cameras.
Sure enough, this led to fighting and anger between the lovebirds, and for once, it seemed as though Sammi might drop Ronnie once and for all. Ronnie tried his best to pin this all on Sammi as if this were somehow her fault, but thankfully she didn’t accept his warped arguments. Failing to manipulate her that way, Ronnie then dug up the number of a girl back home and called her up to arrange some nookie. It was a totally transparent move, and sure enough, it worked. Well, it worked in the sense that it made Sammi fly off the handle. The whole thing was petty and immature and totally fun to watch. Looks like RAMMI might be done for good. And it also looks like we’ll have some fireworks when Sammi confronts J-WOWW about writing the letter. After all, the whole “anonymous” thing didn’t really pan out. Everyone knew it was Snookers and Jenni right from the start. The only question was who? (Ronnie deduced it was J-WOWW because Snooki doesn’t use the word “wisely”).
As for the rest of the episode, more hearts were broken when Snooki dumped her gorilla Emilio and burned up his photos. Angelina also clocked in her token insufferable screaming match with the boys, this time barking that she didn’t have to do any cleaning around the house (why wasn’t it her who go punched instead of Snooki?). For whatever reason, The Situation actually forgave the bitch, which was unfortunate because a) Angelina is terrible, and b) she seems to get away with murder by acting horrifically and then making a pouty face afterwards.
The MVP crew (Mike, Vinny, Pauly) meanwhile had their first romantic shenanigans of the season. Not with each other, mind you. The boys brought home two hotties, but uh oh — some of Mike’s backup vaginas showed up at the front door also. What to do? Well, in classic Jersey Shore style, the guys separated the girls into two different wings of the house, at which point, The Situation then had to extract the hottie from her “grenade” best friend. Long story short, all the guys got some action — even Vinny — and the grenade had a lovely night’s sleep in the guest bedroom.
Side note: I’d like to implore any lady (because they are always ladies) who hooks up with Pauly D to snap a picture of him in the morning. I’m massively curious to see what he looks like with bed head.
“What do you say we go back to my place, and I show you The Situation. As in, my herpes situation. It’s really out of control.”
“Hey ladies. Follow me to the hot tub, or as we like to call it — the chlamydia swirl.”
“Thanks for putting me to sleep, Mikey.”
“No problem. I’m gonna go bone your friend now.”
“Aw. Such a gentleman.”
“Listen, I love gay people, you gaylord. You’re a jerkoff with a dick the size of a fuckin’ pea pod. Never call me again. Love you.”
Snooki: “I loved that jerkoff. I loved him so bad!”
“Let it out, Snooks. Let it out.”
“I just wanna grab that jerkoff by his gorilla arms and say ‘Don’t you know how much I loved you, shithead??’ Oh sorry. I got some snot on your boob.”
“Hey, that’s what friends are for.”
“I gotta burn pictures of this jerkoff. I don’t want nothin’ reminding me of that time we smooshed in the back of the Ed Hardy outlet.”
“Wait a second. This ain’t my copy of The Economist.”
“I don’t know what half these words mean. ‘Wisely’? What sort of crazy vocabulary is this?”
“Please, Ronnie. Get away from me. Your breath smells like day-old garlic. I can’t deal.”
“AY! Shut the fuck up, you fuckin’ piece of shit ! I don’t got to clean up no nothing! Leave me alone. I’m gonna drink some TGIF Mudslides.”
“Hey Angelina, I’m sorry. You’re not excluded from family dinner.”
“You know, Mikey, sometimes I don’t like the way you talk to me. You gotta watch how you talk to me.”
“AY! I’m tryin’ to apologize here!”
“Well you’re doing a shitty job of it!”
“Get outta here!”
“I don’t want your shit head dinner anyways!”
“Hey Ron. I want you to know that we’re done. Done.”
“Good. I don’t like you anyways.”
“And another thing. Next time you spray tan, how about you do your armpits too.”
“Whatever Sam. I fuckin’ hate you.”
“I hate you too.”
“Oh, and Sam?”
“I love you.”
“Hey Sam, check it out. When I put my hands back, I can almost reach from one end of the mattress to the other. Soon I’ll be ready for a big boy bed!”
What did you think about the episode?