Apologies for the delay on the Real Housewives of DC photocap. My Directv receiver failed to record the show for reasons that are too tedious and banal to describe. I eventually caught up, and so here I am now, a few days late, but still excited about the show nonetheless. The scuttlebutt on the street seems to be that people don’t love this cast, which totally baffles me because I think these women are hilarious. Well, at least three of them are. Stacie and Mary are pleasant but generally tame compared to the three-headed beast of Michaele, Lynda, and Cat. All the attention has been lavished on Michaele, what with her vapid comments and penchant for naming horses “Sparkle.” However, Cat has truly been stealing the show with her ceaseless snottiness that seems to emerge in the most benign of settings. It was awkward enough seeing her interact with Stacie’s family for a soul-food dinner, but then throw in her haughty browbeating of Mary’s daughter Lolly (yes, that’s her name), and we had plenty of cringe-worthy moments to go around.
Of course, Lolly wasn’t the only one to get the Cat treatment. Our outspoken Brit also took the Salahis to task after Tareq served her beer in a wine glass. Truthfully, it was a gauche move on his part (especially if you OWN a winery), but it was even more tacky for Cat to then harp on the point right in front of him. I prefer the Lynda (my fave) method, which is to stab and disembowel with a dagger of passive-aggression. Case in point: later in the episode, when Michaele threw a birthday party for the show’s resident gay Paul, someone suggested to Lynda that she have some wine. She happily refused, noting that Virginia wine was TERRIBLE. It should be noted that she said this in front of the Salahis, and most likely, the wine being served was from their vineyard. It was kind of brilliant.
While Lynda may be an expert underminer, she does tend to be a touch overdramatic such as when booze spritzed her after Tareq ostentatiously uncorked some bubbly with a saber. The little lady acted as if she’d been doused with sulfuric acid, which perhaps explains why she was so testy about the Virginia wine. Michaele got her revenge though by confronting Lynda about what she’d been saying about her weight. This resulted in yet another uncomfortable exchange, culminating with Lynda suggesting that Michaele eat a cheeseburger. Needless to say, I don’t think the advice was heeded.
As for the rest of the episode, it was mainly filled with random bizarre moments (Stacie’s husband talking about his penis measuring invention) and bizarre cameos (was that Omarosa I saw in the background of the party?). I don’t care what people are saying: I’m loving these ladies.
Michaele: “Awww, honey! Thank you for the birthday gifts! And now I have a surprise for you: I’M A MAN.”
“Honey, does this horse make me look fat?”
“Do me a favor, children. Don’t become dreadful bores like all these fat American girls I see everywhere.”
Cat: “I know you may be a bit too fat and directionless to do this, but would you mind terribly getting me some more wine?”
“Sure. What would you like? Red or white?”
“No, no. The bottle’s right here. Chop chop.”
“Americans can be so lazy sometimes. Now pour me a glass from that bottle that’s within arm’s length of me.”
“If you boss my daughter around one more time, I swear I’m going to FOLD MY ARMS SO HARD YOU’LL THINK I’M WEARING A SEATBELT… MADE FROM ARMS!!”
“It’s rather nice that there are no Tyra Banks types out here today, yeah? Now I can put my boot on in peace. Look at that. I fit right in there with no trouble. Maybe I’ll write a sequel to my book and call it Boot Full.”
“You know, George W. Bush once gave me horseback riding lessons. That’s something else Barack Obama never did. What’s that clever phrase you Americans say? ‘Just saying.'”
Cat: “Oh you wanker. You served us beer instead of wine. That’s like telling people you’re going to have yorkshire puds and then giving them bangers and mash.”
Michaele: “Wonderful, right? Can I name you Sparkle?”
Stacie: “Guys, this is my subtly racist friend Cat.”
“Good God. There are so many of you! This is like one of those dreadful Tyler Perry debacles I see advertised from time to time.”
Cat: “Please tell me there won’t be any more of that dreadful food by that black man. Cheeko? Cheebo? Eeko? His name was as forgettable as his cooking. No wonder Tyra Banks hired him.”
“Guess what? I have a patent that will help men definitively measure the volume of their penis!”
“Really? What are you going to call it?”
“I dunno. I’m thinking ‘Inbox Full.'”
Cat: “I’m afraid I don’t have much of an appetite for this Tyra Banks food. It’s so ‘I got you, baby, YEEAH,’ you know? Just hideous, really.”
Paul: “You know, with Cat, she’s just very reserved sometimes.”
Stacie: “She’s opinionated. That’s all.”
Woman: “Whatever, she’s a BITCH.”
“Yeah, kind of.”
“We hate her.”
“Aw, Paul, thank you SO much for coming to my party!”
“Well, actually, it’s my party.”
“Whatever you say, Sparkle!”
“Everyone, we’d like to welcome you to our party, which is honoring us. And hey, it’s Paul’s birthday too!”
Paul: “I used to not have any friends, and now that I’m here, and all of you are here, and–“
Michaele: “Um, why are you talking?”
“Lynda, I can’t believe you would accuse me of having an eating disorder. If I had the muscle strength, I would slap you right across the face!”
What did you think about the episode?