REAL HOUSEWIVES OF DC PHOTOCAP: Discomfort Food

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Apologies for the delay on the Real Housewives of DC photocap. My Directv receiver failed to record the show for reasons that are too tedious and banal to describe. I eventually caught up, and so here I am now, a few days late, but still excited about the show nonetheless. The scuttlebutt on the street seems to be that people don’t love this cast, which totally baffles me because I think these women are hilarious. Well, at least three of them are. Stacie and Mary are pleasant but generally tame compared to the three-headed beast of Michaele, Lynda, and Cat. All the attention has been lavished on Michaele, what with her vapid comments and penchant for naming horses “Sparkle.” However, Cat has truly been stealing the show with her ceaseless snottiness that seems to emerge in the most benign of settings. It was awkward enough seeing her interact with Stacie’s family for a soul-food dinner, but then throw in her haughty browbeating of Mary’s daughter Lolly (yes, that’s her name), and we had plenty of cringe-worthy moments to go around.

Of course, Lolly wasn’t the only one to get the Cat treatment. Our outspoken Brit also took the Salahis to task after Tareq served her beer in a wine glass. Truthfully, it was a gauche move on his part (especially if you OWN a winery), but it was even more tacky for Cat to then harp on the point right in front of him. I prefer the Lynda (my fave) method, which is to stab and disembowel with a dagger of passive-aggression. Case in point: later in the episode, when Michaele threw a birthday party for the show’s resident gay Paul, someone suggested to Lynda that she have some wine. She happily refused, noting that Virginia wine was TERRIBLE. It should be noted that she said this in front of the Salahis, and most likely, the wine being served was from their vineyard. It was kind of brilliant.

While Lynda may be an expert underminer, she does tend to be a touch overdramatic such as when booze spritzed her after Tareq ostentatiously uncorked some bubbly with a saber. The little lady acted as if she’d been doused with sulfuric acid, which perhaps explains why she was so testy about the Virginia wine. Michaele got her revenge though by confronting Lynda about what she’d been saying about her weight. This resulted in yet another uncomfortable exchange, culminating with Lynda suggesting that Michaele eat a cheeseburger. Needless to say, I don’t think the advice was heeded.

As for the rest of the episode, it was mainly filled with random bizarre moments (Stacie’s husband talking about his penis measuring invention) and bizarre cameos (was that Omarosa I saw in the background of the party?). I don’t care what people are saying: I’m loving these ladies.

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Michaele: “Awww, honey! Thank you for the birthday gifts! And now I have a surprise for you: I’M A MAN.”

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“Honey, does this horse make me look fat?”

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“Do me a favor, children. Don’t become dreadful bores like all these fat American girls I see everywhere.”

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Cat: “I know you may be a bit too fat and directionless to do this, but would you mind terribly getting me some more wine?”
“Sure. What would you like? Red or white?”
“No, no. The bottle’s right here. Chop chop.”
“Oh. Okay?”
“Americans can be so lazy sometimes. Now pour me a glass from that bottle that’s within arm’s length of me.”

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“If you boss my daughter around one more time, I swear I’m going to FOLD MY ARMS SO HARD YOU’LL THINK I’M WEARING A SEATBELT… MADE FROM ARMS!!”

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“It’s rather nice that there are no Tyra Banks types out here today, yeah? Now I can put my boot on in peace. Look at that. I fit right in there with no trouble. Maybe I’ll write a sequel to my book and call it Boot Full.”

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“You know, George W. Bush once gave me horseback riding lessons. That’s something else Barack Obama never did. What’s that clever phrase you Americans say? ‘Just saying.'”

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Cat: “Oh you wanker. You served us beer instead of wine. That’s like telling people you’re going to have yorkshire puds and then giving them bangers and mash.”
Michaele: “Wonderful, right? Can I name you Sparkle?”

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Stacie: “Guys, this is my subtly racist friend Cat.”
“Good God. There are so many of you! This is like one of those dreadful Tyler Perry debacles I see advertised from time to time.”

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Cat: “Please tell me there won’t be any more of that dreadful food by that black man. Cheeko? Cheebo? Eeko? His name was as forgettable as his cooking. No wonder Tyra Banks hired him.”

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“Guess what? I have a patent that will help men definitively measure the volume of their penis!”
“Really? What are you going to call it?”
“I dunno. I’m thinking ‘Inbox Full.'”

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Cat: “I’m afraid I don’t have much of an appetite for this Tyra Banks food. It’s so ‘I got you, baby, YEEAH,’ you know? Just hideous, really.”

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Paul: “You know, with Cat, she’s just very reserved sometimes.”
Stacie: “She’s opinionated. That’s all.”
Woman: “Whatever, she’s a BITCH.”
“Yeah, kind of.”
“We hate her.”

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“Aw, Paul, thank you SO much for coming to my party!”
“Well, actually, it’s my party.”
“Whatever you say, Sparkle!”

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“Everyone, we’d like to welcome you to our party, which is honoring us. And hey, it’s Paul’s birthday too!”

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Paul: “I used to not have any friends, and now that I’m here, and all of you are here, and–“
Michaele: “Um, why are you talking?”

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“Lynda, I can’t believe you would accuse me of having an eating disorder. If I had the muscle strength, I would slap you right across the face!”

What did you think about the episode?

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20 thoughts on “REAL HOUSEWIVES OF DC PHOTOCAP: Discomfort Food

  1. Why was it necessary for Michaele and her husband to arrive with a police escort in a stretch limo? Too funny! I love this group. I see weeks of great bitchiness ahead.

    • Hi LynnB. I read that MPD was upset and launched an investigation as they only give escorts to dignataries and heads of state. They concluded that it was Bravo-editing. Shocking.

  2. Yeah not digging DC Cat is a bitch I would have slapped her already, Lynda comments are funny but that’s about it, Michaele and her husband I was sick of them before the show started. Mary and Staci seem to be the most normal well except when Mary asked her husband if her cook/maid/dog crap picker upper could work more hours, probably cleaning up the dog poop

    Maybe this franchise, has finally jumped the shark and maybe DC is the show that did it

  3. I read that the winery isn’t Tariq’s, but belongs to his family, which has cut him off. His mother even went so far as to call the police when he came onto the property. And the Salahis are being investigated for irregularities with their charity. Glorious!

    I still don’t watch this season. I hate them all, and not in a “fun to hate” way.

  4. Great recap! I’m w/u. Am lovin these women too! I mean, at least they can pronounce words correctly. And honestly the only vapid one is the blonde scarecrow. Ya know mine didn’t tivo on thurs either. Had to wait til friday and my husband was forced to hear it. He actually yelled at me for daring to have it on when he’s around. Didn’t stop me tho, I just shushed him. Keep up the great work!

  5. I love Lynda’s unabashed disdain for Micealaheal – who was a Nordy’s cosmetic sales person and is now a “second tier level” person.

    So do you just hire a police escort? Cuz – the next time I am in LA I am so going to hire the LAPD escort me to Barney’s Beanery.

    hb

  6. I can’t get into these gals. Not sure why…. Your recaps are by far better so there’s that. I thought everyone was over reacting to how skinny the blonde babe was until I saw these photos. Yeesh… There is probably an issue there. She and her husband pretty much disgust me in every way.

  7. Your recaps of how hideous Cat is are hysterical – I’m laughing loudly. What a trainwreck she is (I want to look away, yet can’t….)

  8. I also love this cast. Cat is insulting without even trying. I would like to see her and the Countess go head to head.

    The Salahis’ self-promotion antics are just awful.

  9. It wasn’t just that Tareq served beer in a wine glass, it was that he tried to pass it off as the winery’s chardonnay for the camera! Why did they have a red carpet spread out before the riding lesson?? The Salahis are like Heidi and Spencer (but 20 years older)…

  10. It seems to me that Stacie baited Cat by having the dinner at her aunt’s house, where she was 99% sure Cat would be umcomfortable. I suppose there is a small possibility that she was giving Cat a chance to prove she was the better person, but not very. Stacie set Cat up to crash and burn, and burn she did…

  11. I’m loving these women! It’s like a throw back to how the Real Housewives are supposed to be – bitchy. I’m over the table flipping and wig pulling.

    How did you write this whole review and not comment on Mary’s Spanish!? “Hola Rosa! El carpetos es muy dirtio. El dogo es pooping.”

    The photo comment about Cat asking for more wine is hilarious! What a bitch!

  12. It took me a while to figure out why I thought Mary looked so familiar and then I realized my brain was reaching waaaaaaaaaay back into the ’80s when I watched the Young and the Restless. She looks a lot like “Nikki”: http://thumbnails.cbsig.net/CBS_Production_Entertainment/CBS_Production_Entertainment/2009/02/27/Daytime/Young_and_the_Restless/Extras/Behind_the_Scenes/1000/511/Melody_Thomas_Scott_30years_bts.jpg, http://www.wallpapergate.com/wallpaper18379.html

    Also: Damn, I want those black boots.

  13. I’m with you B-Side. I love the DC ladies. They are just the right amount of crazy. I am loving your portrayal of Cat. Hilarious! Please don’t stop.

  14. Has anyone else noticed how Michaele is always looking for the camera or at it?!?! Her and her husband are CRAZY!!!

  15. By the third episode, I have to say inspite of her obvious shortcomings I am finding myself attracted to Cat. She is a beautiful woman and I felt somewhat sorry for her. I don’t think she is racist, just a British snob, or just socially inept in an unfamiliar social situation. I think she is used to being misunderstood and seemed sad and lonely.

  16. I’m not liking Lynda. She’s a passive/aggressive who is overly focused on Michaela. What does she care if she looks like a scarecrow. She’s just jealous because she has an ass the size of a bulldozer. I also did not like that Mary took Lynda’s side at how horrible Michaela was to bring it up at the party. Tuff shit to Lynda & Mary. When Lynda makes snarky comments about Michaela, expect to be called to task the next time you see her. Lynda tried to hide behind “this is not the venue to discuss this”. Lynda was a coward. Also, I think there is more to Mary that meets the eye. She acts all high and mighty, but I think we’ll find she’s a huge bitch. Curious if all 5 children belong to her husband or if Lolly is from someone else. Cat is a bitch who has a high opinion of herself, but I’m liking her. Stacie is a whiner and so far a bore with a chip on her shoulder.

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