At long last, Bravo aired the first “supersized” part of its much-anticipated Real Housewives of New Jersey reunion, and let’s just say this: we’ve come a long way, baby. I remember back in the day when a Real Housewives reunion consisted of a few generally polite ladies sitting around a cozy couch in what appeared to by Vicky Gunvalson’s den. Now the outlandish productions take place in casinos, and instead of friendly, if passive-aggressive, exchanges, we get hostile screaming and dramatic exits. Plus, for the first time, cameras actually left the couches and followed the women into their respective dressing rooms / corners where various handlers and hair dressers offered moral support and a calming influence. The whole debacle leant a distinctly pugilistic feel to the episode. All that was missing was Don King; although, with Caroline’s big hair, she came pretty close to filling that role.
To be honest, it’s hard for me to recount some of the specifics of the hour. There were a lot of flare ups, a lot of accusations, and a lot, a lot, a lot of contradictions — both in terms of logic, statements, and emotions. Ultimately though, if I had to peg anyone as the “losers” of the hour (and fifteen minutes), it would have to be Teresa. Why? Well, she’s just an idiot. I’ve said it before, and I’ll say it again. Danielle is crazy, but Teresa is just dumb, and I believe the latter is worse — largely because it’s more contagious. Plus, Teresa’s not just dumb. She’s dumb AND tacky (which are often highly correlated).
Take, for example, her middling attempt to be tactful. This occurred in the first minute or so of the program when Andy Cohen asked a generic question about if the women objected to Jersey Shore’s portrayal of the state. Teresa suddenly anointed herself a classy broad and declared that the casual sex portrayed by the likes of Snooki or Sammi was totally deplorable. Meanwhile, this was the same woman who has proudly detailed the various sexual exploits of her and her husband on national TV. Not saying that marital sex and Jersey Shore sex are interchangeable, but if Teresa’s point is that she’s too “classy” of a dame to give her snatch away to any ol’ mook in Seaside, she certainly undermines herself by revealing the fairly “un-classy” details of what goes on behind closed doors.
Nevertheless, Teresa noted that SHE doesn’t give up sex that easily, unlike other women in the room. The insinuation that Danielle was a whore was pretty shameless in and of itself — after all, they weren’t even talking about Danielle, but Teresa went out of her way to pick the fight (much like at the POSCHE fashion show). However, just in case it wasn’t clear to whom Teresa was directing her wrath (you know, for those few who thought she was saying Caroline was a major slut), Teresa then clarified that she was indeed referencing Danielle. And from that moment on, the show was just insanity.
The screaming was through the roof, and often it came thanks to Teresa, who went out of her way to somehow insult Danielle. Making matters worse was Jacqueline, who once again proved that the vapid, idiotic apple that is Ashley does not fall far from the tree. The woman spent most of the reunion whining at Danielle with the sort of bratty cadence usually reserved for nine year old girls (although, this may be an insult to nine year old girls). It was sort of appalling (in the best possible way) to see this woman transform into the kid sister we all hated. Watching her yammer on about whether or not Danielle had accompanied her to a fertility doctor was about as silly as it gets, and the more petulant Jacqueline acted and the more bullying Teresa behaved, the more I found myself oddly on Team Danielle. Or rather, Danielle’s Mafia.
After all, Danielle kind of had a point: the women seemed to have had a field day dredging up her past and airing her dirty laundry, but whenever Danielle mentioned anything about the Manzos or the Giudices, World War III broke out. I suppose it’s not as simple as that though. These women are probably at their wits end after having read months of Danielle’s caustic, mean-spirited blogs. Still, it was hard to believe Teresa and Jacqueline when they claimed they never talked about Danielle unless they were on camera (doesn’t explain how they know Danielle’s kids cry at school).
Speaking of the kids, it still felt a bit baseless of Caroline to claim that Christine and Jillian (our favorite) lacked a certain light in their eyes. Considering she had encountered the girls probably about three times in her life, it was a bold statement to make. And let’s be honest, there’s only one dead-eyed child in the brood, and her name begins with an A and ends with SHLEE. Seriously, if you want to talk about vacant expressions, look no further. There are episodes where she looks like a beached flounder.
Don’t get me wrong, though. Danielle deserved a good amount of the crap thrown her way. She’s no innocent bystander, and she has a nifty way of distorting the truth to fit her perception of reality. Take, for example, when she claimed her kids were unaware of her sex tape because they live in a bubble. Not more than two seconds later, she claimed their feelings were hurt by Caroline’s dead-eye comments. How could they be so hurt if they live in a bubble, Caroline asked. BUSTED. Yes, Caroline was on fire, and truly, she emerged from the hour looking the best. She attacked when it was appropriate (unlike Teresa), she defended her family, and she tripped Danielle up in her own silliness. I believe I may have let out a yelp of excitement when Caroline uttered “Yippie ki-yay.” She was awesome.
That being said, I can’t pretend that I wasn’t delighted every time Danielle took a dig at Teresa. I mean, as crazy as Danielle is — and she is crazy — she still didn’t deserve the persistent, often random attacks by Teresa. That’s why when Danielle made mention of some nephew, thus sending Teresa into a rage, I chuckled with joy. And not just because Teresa had leapt up from the couch and was acting like a lunatic. People in glass houses shouldn’t throw stones (especially if said houses feature giant, breakable vases).
By the way, Andy Cohen does not earn a mazel for his ineffective attempts to wrangle Teresa back to her seat. I know Italian women will say that when they’re angry, nothing can stop them, but seriously… Andy got thrown around like an old pair of Banana Republic socks.
Anyway, I seriously can’t remember so many parts of the show. Be sure to chime in with your favorite moments. Until then, here’s the photocap.
Jacqueline: “Look at this face. Do I look like someone who would watch Jersey Shore?”
Teresa: “I don’t watch it because I’m a lady. Don’t you forget: I’m from Paterson! Did you forget? DID YOU FORGET???”
“So then I put my hands on the bed just like this, and I says to Joe ‘Joe. JOE. DO ME IN MY TORTELLINI HOLE. JOE!!!!’ And he does.”
“I will refrain from saying anything. But that’s mostly because I have very few noteworthy things to say.”
Teresa: “Do NOT break UP my FAMILY!!!”
Danielle: “I don’t need this. I don’t feel safe.”
“THAT’S BECAUSE YOU’RE A BITCH, and BITCHES DON’T FEEL SAFE!”
“Is that a threat? Because I will not clap.”
Andy: “Guys, c’mon…”
Teresa: “What the hell you doing to me, Andy? Milania has more upper body strength than you do.”
Danielle: “That’s because Milania’s a beast.”
“WHAT DID YOU SAY, BITCH? WHAT DID YOU SAY?”
“I wouldn’t be surprised if she were on steroids. Just sayin’.”
“LET ME AT HER, ANDY. LET ME AT THE BITCH!”
Andy: “Ow, you’re hurting me.”
“Don’t be a pussy.”
Danielle: “Excuse me, but that was a derogatory statement against cats and gay people, and I don’t know what sort of racist background Teresa has, but I will not clap for it.”
Teresa: “Derog-a-what? Speak English, YOU BITCH.”
Andy: “It means ‘mean.’”
“Mean? I’ll show you mean. I’ll stuff a sangwich down the bitch’s mouth.”
Danielle: “It’s SANDwich.”
“Listen, BITCH. I’LL SAY WORDS THE WAY I WANT TO SAY WORDS. I AIN’T CHANGIN’ FOR NO ONE.”
Andy: “It’s not really about changing. It’s more about being grammatically correct.”
“I DON’T CARE ABOUT NO GRAMMAR! I’M A LADY! A LADY DON’T NEED TO SPEAK GOOD!”
Teresa: “You’re a whore, Danielle. You’re garbage and a whore and a stupid, bitch. I hope you rot in hell. Oh, and your daughters are miserable and cry after school. Whore-face.”
Andy: “Um, all I did was ask if you liked Cherry Coke.”
Andy: “Let’s move on to neutral territory. Danielle, what do you think about the weather today?”
Danielle: “I like it.”
Teresa: “Of course she likes it. It’s WHORE WEATHER TODAY. Let me at the bitch, Andy. Let me at the bitch!”
Andy: “Okay. Moving on. Danielle, did you like the new Karate Kid movie?”
“Yes. I thought it was very good. It started Will Smith’s son, right? Or was it his nephew?”
TERESA: “DO NOT BREAK UP MY FAMILY!!!!!”
“Wait for it… wait for it… wait for it…”
“YIPPIE KI-YAY, MOTHERFUCKERS!”
Andy: “Um, Caroline, we’re at a break.”
Caroline: “Answer me this: who took my other sleeve, okay? I was sitting here, okay, and I had two sleeves, okay. And now there’s one.”
Danielle: “Well it wasn’t me.”
“Who is the only other person on this couch?”
“I won’t answer that.”
“Who is the only other person on this couch?”
“My daughter’s friends actually love me and think I’m cool.”
“God bless. WHO is the only other person on this couch?”
“I’m sorry you can’t deal with the fact that I’m loved.”
“WHO IS THE ONLY OTHER PERSON ON THIS COUCH.”
“I’m not intimidated.”
“WHO IS THE ONLY OTHER PERSON ON THIS COUCH?”
“WHO IS THE– what?”
“Teresa is on this couch.”
“No, she’s not. Do you see Teresa on this couch?”
“I see lots of people on this couch.”
“Do you see TERESA though?”
“So why would you say she’s on this couch?”
“I never said THAT.”
“You just said it.”
“No, Caroline. You’re making things up.”
What did you think about the reunion? Did you find it hilarious or insufferable? Who were the winners? Who were the losers?