RACHEL ZOE PHOTOCAP: The Italian Job

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The Rachel Zoe project headed to Milan this week with a brief stop in London to fool around with Kate Hudson, who proved to be totally winsome. It was yet another international adventure for the team as they scoured fashion shows in search of the all necessary Oscar gowns for Demi and Cameron, both of whom would be walking the carpet naked (according to Brad) if things didn’t shape up soon. Sadly, for RZ, the gowns she wanted went elsewhere, which meant she then entered full panic mode (ie. longer blank stares between words). What ever will her clients do? GOWN-SASTER!

When Rachel wasn’t fretting over her dearth of couture, she was hobnobbing with the fashion elite, including Donatella Versace, who looked as grotesque as ever. I try to refrain from being too nasty when talking about people’s physical features, but when it comes to Donatella, let’s just say she should no longer shy away from the concept of orthodontics. Julianne Moore also made a cameo in the episode; although, truly her only major contribution to the evening as her casual confession that she does, in fact, love birds. Scoop by Bravo.

Photocap after the jump…

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“Oh my God. I think this computer is giving me a double chin. If I don’t fix this chin situation soon, it’s going to be a chin-saster. Rachel will kill me. Oh my God. I’m turning red.”

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“Oh my God. I’m in London. I need to BBM the Bing and tell it I’m in London. ‘Dear Bing. I am in London. My room is major. It looks like a Christmas present, but the wrapping is on the inside of the box. It’s like an inside-out present. Does this mean the gift is on the outside? I forgot to get a card. Oh my God. I need a card. I’m giving the room to Kate Hudson. It’s my inside-out-gift to her. I can’t believe how spontaneous I’m being. I die for inside-out gifts. Love, Rachel.’ Send. Oh my God. The phone was off.”

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“I just… I don’t know…. I wish I had brought my DVD of Garfield: A Tale of Two Kitties.”

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“I’m so tired. It’s like my body is asleep but my eyes are open. Are we in Candyland?”

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Rachel: “Oh my God. Kate is going to be so excited when I show her the oversized duckling I just found.”
“Rach, it’s me. Kate Hudson.”
“LITERALLY, the duckling thinks she’s Kate Hudson. I die. I die.”

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Rachel: “Oh my God. I didn’t know if you wanted coffee or cap; so I got both.”
“I love them both!”
“Me too. Like, they are my blessed jewels.”
“I’m going to have cap.”
“Literally, I was going to suggest that.”
“We’re so on the same wavelength!”
“Kate. ohmygod. That just happened.”

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“Kate, you make me laugh. Look how spontaneous I am. I’m laughing. Ha. That was my laugh. Oh my God. I just laughed.”

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“Oh my God. I’m dressed like a bird. I want to spread my wings and fly away. Oh my God. Where am I flying? Where’s Florida? That’s where birds fly. LITERALLY, I can’t find Florida. This is a MIGRATION-SASTER!”

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“I feel the need for a hat. I’m having a hat moment. I love me a hat in London. LITERALLY, if I could, I would never take off this hat. Like, I would have it surgically attached to my head, and then it would become my head, and then I’d need a new hat because my old hat was now my head. I hate babies.”

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“Rodge. Look. It’s Rio in a dress. Aren’t I so spontaneous around Kate? Look at me picking up a dress spontaneously. Bananas.”

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Rachel: “Heeey pumpkin.”
“Rachel, I missed you so much. I’m having a Bradsaster.”
“Oh my God. What’s wrong?”
“I can’t find a man cape.”
“You need a man cape.”
“I feel like a man cape would make me so happy.”
“So happy.”
“There has to be one somewhere in Milan, right??”
“Oh my God, Brad. You have to find it.”
“What if there are none left?”
“Oh my God. Someone LITERALLY stole all the man capes.”
“Who would do that?”
“Oh my God. We have to call the police.”
“How do they say that in Italian?”
“Po-po-poleee. I can’t say it.”
“I think it’s polizia.”
“Poliiii… plo… ploli…”
“Polizia.”
“Palllllllaaaa…”
“No. Say ‘pol.'”
“Pol.”
“Eeetz.”
“Eeetz.”
“Eeeeyah.”
“Eeeyah.”
“Polizia.”
“Poollleeeyaala.”
Polizia.”
“Pizza.”
“Polizia!”
“Pizza pizza.”
“Rachel, you keep saying pizza.”
“Why would we call for pizza?”
“No. We want the polizia.”
“I don’t want pizza.”
“No. Police.”
“The police want pizza?”
“No.”
“Oh my God. The police are having a pizza moment. This is beyond. Beyond.”

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Rodge: “Babe, you look like a cousin of the thing from Monsters Inc.”
“Oh my God. Am I a monster?”
“No. You look like the monster’s cousin. It was a joke.”
“So I’m a funny monster.”
“No, I–“
“Boo.”
“Huh?”
“Boo. I’m a scary monster now.”
“Ghosts say boo.”
“Oh my god. I knew it.”
“What?”
“I’m a ghost.”
“You’re not a ghost.”
“I’m a ghost monster. Did I die?”
“You’re alive.”
“Then how am I a ghost? Oh my God. I got trapped under the bed. I died under the bed.”
“You weren’t under the bed.”
“That’s where monsters live.”
“There’s no such thing as monsters.”
“But you said I’m a monster. A funny ghost monster. Oh my God. I died at the Improv, didn’t I? I LITERALLY was doing standup on monster comedy night. And I died.”
“You weren’t doing standup.”
“Why did I die on monster comedy night? Did Tay kill me?”
“No.”
“Is Tay a monster hunter now?”
“No. And you’re not dead.”
“Maybe you’re dead too, and you don’t realize it.”
“I’m not dead.”
“We’re ghost lovers. But monsters can’t be with humans. Oh my god. Our love is doomed. This is a monstersaster.”

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“Rodge, I see the light.”
“Yeah. They lit this runway well.”
“No. It’s the ghost light. We’re becoming ghosts.”
“We’re not becoming ghosts.”
“I’m scared. What if Pac-Man ate the vitamin? He can LITERALLY eat us. I don’t want to die.”
“If you’re already a ghost, you can’t die again.”
“Oh my God. But I’ll just be eyeballs. So not cute.”

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Rachel: “LITERALLY, your collection was beyond. It was beyond. Like, more beyond than Alvin and The Chipmunks: The Squeakquel.”

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Brad: “Do you like my blazer? Doesn’t it make me look like I went to Dartmouth?”
“Oh my God. Is that a vintage store?”
“No, it’s a college. Haven’t you heard of it?”
“Unclear.”
“It’s Ivy. I’m an Ivy boy now.”
“Oh my God. You’re a plant.”
“No, I’m Ivy LEAGUE.”
“Don’t touch me. You’re poisonous.”
“I am?”
“You’re poison ivy.”
“Oh my God, Rachel. What do I do?”
“I think I touched you. I feel dizzy.”
“What if you, like, DIE?”
“Oh my God. I’m dying. From vertigo. Where’s Rodge. Rodge? Rodge?”
Rodge: “I’m right here.”
“I die. I die. I’m having a death moment.”

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Brad: “Wow. Donatella Versace! You are so… UGLY!”

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“Oh my God. Why are there no gowns here? I need a gown.”
“This is Bulgari. They only have bags.”
“How will Cameron fit in a bag? That doesn’t work.”
“No, she’s not supposed to fit in the bag. She’s supposed to bring the bag with her.”
“I want Cameron to have a bag moment. I love me a bag. Wait. What if Cameron wears a Whole Foods canvas bag?”
“To the Oscars?”
“Yes. Brad? Where’s Brad? This just happened. I die.”

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“Look, Brad. It’s Julianne Moore.”
“Is she related to Demi?”
“Unclear.”
“Both their names are Moore.”
“Maybe they’re twins.”
“Do you think they can read each other’s thoughts?”
“Oh my God. Twin powers. I die.”
“What if Demi is spying on you through Julianne?”
“Oh my God. Demi knows we have no gowns.”
“LITERALLY, she’s going to kill us.”
“We have to fool her. Brad, go tell Julianne we found a gown.”
“I’m scared.”
“I need you to not be scared.”
“I’m turning red.”
“Oh my God. Julianne can see. She sees red. Like a bull.”
“Is she going to charge?”
“Unclear.”
“I don’t want to be gored.”
“It could happen.”
“Oh my God, Rachel. I just realized something.”
“What?”
“My last name is GOREski.”
“Chills. I just got chills. All over. Chills.”
“Oh my God.”
“Chills.”
“I’m going to die.”
“Chills.”

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“I like your bow, Rachel. It makes you look fancy.”
“I’m a fancy leopard.”
“Like, you’re having tea while the other leopards are hunting.”
“I don’t drink tea. Only cap.”
“I feel like you are off to leopard court.”
“Oh my God. I’m a barrister. The leopards vs. Larry Flynt.”
“I hope you win your case.”
“Me too. I’m trying to make partner.”
“What’s the name of your law firm?”
“Leopard, Leopard, & Leopard.”
“Sounds impressive.”
“It is.”

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“Oh my God. I forgot to Tivo The Entertainers with Byron Allen.”

14 replies on “RACHEL ZOE PHOTOCAP: The Italian Job”

  1. Am I the only one who can’t stand Kate Hudson? Not to mention how Rachel acted around her (i.e. Trying way too hard to be her BFF).

    1. I’m with ya on Kate Hudson — total poor man’s version of Goldie Hawn who would be working at the IHOP if it wasn’t for her famous mother.

      Also, her eyes are too far apart.

  2. I don’t know how you do it – I’m dying over here – literally dying from laughing – someone tell my family I love them when I die from laughing….

  3. Gasping for air here laughing….. as an airhead builds an empire. I love Rodge….. trying so hard to remain masculine surrounded by fur and nonsense.

    WTF is up with Donatella’s nose? YIKES

  4. I just hope I NEVER have to BBM the Bing.

    You must have the best time writing these recaps and making up (sort of) those crazy conversations! Hilarious. That bird-coat-thingy Rachel wore in London is bizarre!! Leather feathers? Leather leaves? Origami? I don’t get it at all.

  5. I wonder if Kate got that fug jacket for $35 because it looked like she overpaid. Just because something is “vintage” doesn’t make it good. And bitch – you gots gozillions so bragging about the fact that you just keeping it real and are not too big to wear something that costs $35 comes across as a tad cloying.

    hb

  6. Did Donatella’s nose collapse or something? No really?

    How can a fashion icon be so hideous looking? lol.

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