This week’s episode of The Real Housewives of DC was rather tame, and for the first time all season, I think we managed to get through the hour without a cringe-worthy scene of awkwardness. Don’t get me wrong — I definitely cringed, particularly during Lynda’s kooky spiritual ritual to rid her new house of the previous owner’s “energy.” Most of the hour, however, was rather mundane. Mary spent a good amount of time complaining about her daughter Lolly’s bizarre penchant to raid her closet. Turns out that after all that talk of having a biometric lock on the closet door, Mary doesn’t close the thing half the time, which allows Lolly (who’s something of a roving sartorial raccoon, it seems) to enter unhindered and steal what she wants. I think it’s time Mary sets up a booby trap or at least some sort of primitive device that will trap Lolly in a net (with the option of said netted Lolly being shipped off to a zoo or a far-off wilderness).
As usual, Cat was totally horrified by Lolly’s actions, but just when we thought the entire episode would feature Cat saying haughty, dismissive things about the girl, things took a tragic right turn. Cat’s close friend killed himself, and she spent most of the show mourning his death. There was even a touching moment when Cat broke down in tears when she met a man who reminded her of her late friend. It was actually pretty sad; although, the following scene in which Cat announced to her daughters that she had cried in public was somewhat strange. Still, it was a tough blow to her, and I can’t rag her for that.
I can, however, rag the Salahis, who continue to treat this bizarre situation of Tareq and his mother as typical “family drama.” This is not normal, people. Mothers don’t generally seek to have their sons perpetually arrested. Nevertheless, the Salahis were deadset on resurrecting their Oasis vineyard, and not only that, they wanted to buy a new place in DC. But did they have the money to fund their lavish housing dreams (which included an apartment big enough to host TWO HUNDRED PEOPLE)? Well, Stacie the realtor had her doubts, but she put on a professional smile and toured the Salahis around. Clearly this is a relationship headed for disaster.
Also headed for disaster is Stacie’s quest to find her biological father. Since her mom has been tightlipped about his identity, she’s decided to move forward and send a message to her half brother over Facebook. Keep in mind that this half brother has no idea that she exists and the mere query will certainly stir up a gigantic family drama, but hey, I loved Secrets & Lies, and a reality TV version of it couldn’t be much worse, right? Right? (If you haven’t seen that movie, you should)
Brief photocap after the jump…
Mary: “No matter what I do, I just can’t keep Lolly from going into my closet.”
Cat: “Well, you do realize you named your daughter LOLLY, yes? I mean, no wonder she’s so mentally deranged and hideous.”
Mary: “This is hilarious. You know what I’d like to do with this burning sage? STICK IT IN LOLLY’S FACE NEXT TIME SHE GOES IN MY CLOSET!”
Lynda: “I’m so glad you both came here to read from my new one-act play. I’m still not sure what I’m going to call it, but I’m thinking of ‘The Adventures of Ebong and the Clam.’ What? He loves shellfish!”
Stacie: “Wonderful to see you guys! So tell me what you’re looking for.”
Michaele: “We want something either really big or really small. Or really medium sized.”
Tareq: “Something that can hold two hundred guests, minimum.”
Michaele: “A unicorn stable would be nice.”
Tareq: “I would really like one of those neat escalators that leads to nowhere.”
Michaele: “I love those. And then we can park the magic carpet at the top and make a quick getaway to Paris if we need to.”
Tareq: “Also, we have one of those machines that can make people really big. You know, like in Honey I Blew Up The Kid.“
Michaele: “Yeah, we’ll need room for the kid.”
Tareq: “Once he’s blown up, naturally.”
Michaele: “Naturally. And we don’t have a kid, but we’d love to get one.”
Tareq: “So we can blow him up.”
Michaele: “We want a giant kid.”
Tareq: “So he’ll need a giant room, obviously.”
Michaele: “Do you think we can blow up Sparkle?”
Tareq: “Why not?”
Michaele: “I love you, love.”
Stacie: “I just want to be as direct as possible. Do you have enough assets to purchase the sort of estate you’re looking for?”
Tareq: “Of course!”
Stacie: “Because I haven’t seen any documents.”
Michaele: “Oh. That’s because we have Sparkle handle our finances. He still doesn’t know how to use email.”
Michaele: “You know, my horse.”
Tareq: “I’m sorry, fellas. You must have received incorrect information. I own this property. If you have any questions, I implore you to take it up with my general counsel, Sparkle.”
What did you think about the episode?