REAL HOUSEWIVES REUNION PHOTOCAP: Salahism 101

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There’s hardly anything to say about the Real Housewives of DC reunion except that it was one of the most incredible displays of denial, delusion, and BS we’ve seen since, well, the last Real Housewives reunion. I still don’t know what to believe regarding the infamous State Dinner — a large part of me thinks the two crashed; another part of me thinks two people can’t just crash the White House. It’s all moot though. What’s incredible about the Salahis is their inability to accept the reality that most people think they’re perpetual liars. Even if they didn’t lie, they can at least acknowledge their reputation. Alas, they don’t. And on top of that, they spew incredible yarns that test the limits of credibility. One word: lentil soup.

After the jump, my photocap of the evening. It’s a little long. I kiiiiind of got into it…

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Cat: “Andy, before we go any further, I’d like to show you this picture of Charles.”
“Okay.”
“Isn’t it grand?”
“I guess.”
“I knew I liked you, Andy. You’re like the anti-Tyra.”

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Michaele: “We’ve actually met Tyra — let’s see… three? Four times?”
Tareq: “We live in her house!”

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Stacie: “You do NOT live in Tyra’s house! You have no assets!”
Tareq: “We have assets. We have Oasis Corporation, Oasis Winery, Oasis Oasis, and The Bar at the Oasis Oasis.”
Stacie: “Those places do not even exist.”
Michaele: “No, actually they do. We even own the word ‘Oasis.’ That’s really invaluable; so you see, yeah, we could buy a house with that.”
Stacie: “I can’t sell you a house for a word.”
Michaele: “Yeah, well, I don’t know. I think you actually can.”
Tareq: “The law is very clear on this. If you own the word ‘Oasis,’ you can actually buy several houses across the country.”

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Andy: “How many houses do you have?”

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Michaele: “Well, let’s see… there’s Oasis, and then the country home — that no one knows about — and then the mansion in Delaware.”
Andy: “And you own all those places?”
Tareq: “We have been to them.”
“But you don’t own them.”
Michaele: “We had to give up the mansion in Delaware. Yeah, that was a shame.”
Andy: “I thought the mansion was in Virginia.”
Michaele: “We moved it from Delaware to Virginia. And then back to Delaware.”
Tareq: “The law is very clear that you can keep a mansion as long as you want as long as it’s on wheels.”

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Cat: “Do you believe this bollocks?”
Ebong: “All I know is that I’m going to bang the hell out of Lynda after this.”

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Andy: “So where do you guys live now?”

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Michaele: “Well… let’s see. There’s Oasis, the house that no one knows about that only exists every thirteen years like Brigadoon, there’s the McDonald’s in Maryland, there’s the–“
Tareq: “We have a palace in Dubai actually.”
Andy: “Really.”
Michaele: “Actually, I don’t know if you’re aware of the Care Bears?”
Andy: “I am.”
“Well, I’m actually a Care Bear, and we spend a good portion of the year in that cloud up in the sky with the other Care Bears.”

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Mary: “You’re not a Care Bear!”

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Michaele: “Actually, I’ve been a Care Bear for one, two, three… how many years, love?”
Tareq: “Her whole life.”
“Yeah, my whole life.”

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Andy: “But none of the other Care Bears know who you are.”

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“Well, I only helped out around Cloud Town a few times, but they wanted me listed as part of their Care Bare roster; so am I on the Care Bear alumni council? Yes. Am I a true Care Bear? I don’t know.”

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“Don’t you think that’s disrespectful to the other Care Bears?”

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“Let’s remember that I have MS.”

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“Yeah. Right. That’s like saying my Inbox ISN’T full.”

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Cat: “Would you care to fill it, Ebong?”
Lynda: “He’s mine, Cat.”
Cat: “That’s a damn shame. I hear once you go black, you never go back. Similarly, once you go Prince Harry, you never go House of Commons.”
Lynda: “That doesn’t rhyme.”
“I know. I just wanted to mention that I rubbed knickers with Prince Harry.”

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“Did you tell him I say hi?”

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“Prince Harry? And you? How is this more credible than me getting an invitation to the White House?”

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“BECAUSE YOU DIDN’T GET AN INVITATION TO THE WHITE HOUSE.”

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Michaele: “Well, actually, we got one, two — how many did we get?”
Tareq: “We got fourteen invitations to the White House.”

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“And where are the invitations?”

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Tareq: “It was more of an Evite than anything else.”

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“The White House doesn’t send Evites.”

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Michaele: “It may have been a Facebook event. I don’t remember. You know, there are so many details and, you know…”
Tareq: “It’s actually very simple. We were on the Off The Record list.”

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Andy: “What’s that?”

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Tareq: “It’s a super secret list that no one knows about. Not even the White House knows about it. In fact, the only people who know about it are Michaele and I.”
Michaele: “And Sparkle.”

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Andy: “Is it possible that the list isn’t real?”

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Michaele: “If it isn’t real, then how come we’re on it? See, things just aren’t adding up.”

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“This is a goat rodeo if I’ve ever seen one.”

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“Who said anything about goats?”

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“Oh that’s really wonderful, Michaele. You like goats now too?”

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“Well, actually, I secretly support the American Goat Farmers Association of America.”

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“You said America twice, and that’s not even a real organization.”

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Michaele: “Whoever said the AGFAoA is fake is lying to you.”
Tareq: “I didn’t want to bring this up, but we actually bought a goat from the American Goat Farmers Association of America as a friend for Sparkle.”

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“Her name was Lulu and she was Sparkle’s best friend.”

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Andy: “What happened to Lulu?”

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“She vanished because SHE NEVER EXISTED!”

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Michaele: “No. It was worse.”
Tareq: “Lolly stole Lulu.”

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Stacie: “Now this is good. I want to hear this.”

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Tareq: “Lolly went on Facebook and commented on her friend’s photo that she had stolen Lulu and slit her neck.”
Michaele: “It’s barbaric.”

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“Do you have proof of this?”

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“Yes. And I’d like to add that Lulu had MS also. Goat MS.”

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“THIS isn’t proof. This is just a picture of a rainbow with the caption ‘I love Sparkle!'”

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“Well, we all love Sparkle.”

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“You are spreading lies about our daughter on national television!”

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Tareq: “The FBI is investigating; so we’re really not at liberty to weigh in on the matter. But I think I can say that Lolly did draw that rainbow.”

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“Do you understand, though? This isn’t even from Facebook.”

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“No, love, it actually is from Facebook. Mark Zuckerberg himself sent me the link.”

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“Oh, was he the one who invited you to the White House also?”

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Michaele: “No, love. The one who invited us to the White House was, um, Mii–“
Tareq: “–rrraaa–“
M: “–gall—“
T: “–urssh–“
M: “–llen Graaaa–“
T: “—nnnnii–“
M: “–pluster–“
T: “—sternson–“
M: “–sparkle!”

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“So you were invited by Mirragallurshllen Granniplustersternsonsparkle?”

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Michaele: “Yes. I just love Mirragullurshillen.”
Tareq: “Just a lovely individual.”

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“Actually, I know for a fact that Mirragullurshillen Granniplustersternsonsparkle has been waiting three years for the Salahis to pay her.”

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Michaele: “Yeah, see, I’m not negative like Lynda. You’d think she’d be nicer considering she’s getting Ebonged every night.”
Tareq: “Look. Andy. I’ll explain it to you. Oasis International is bankrupt.”

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“Does that mean you’re out of money?”

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Tareq: “Oasis is out of money.”

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“So the vineyard is broke.”

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Tareq: “Oasis International is different than Oasis Vineyard.”

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“So Oasis Vineyard is solvent.”

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“No. Oasis Vineyard is broke too.”

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“But you guys have money.”

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Tareq: “Here’s the thing, Andy. If we pay back one vendor, it’s not fair to the others.”
Michaele: “That’s just bad business.”

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“It’s not bad business to pay back a vendor.”

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“And it’s not good business to steal a goat, but I guess you didn’t tell that to Lolly.”

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“Tareq, did you ever think to maybe pay back ALL your vendors?”

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“That would just be bad business.”

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Andy: “Cat, what are you doing?”
“Just showing my picture of Charles again.”
“Why?”
“Because I’m horny.”

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Cat: “What do you say, Ebong? Care to take a dip in the English Channel?”

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“Ebong, would you do Cat right now?”

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Jason: “And they said my penis measuring device would never work.”
Stacie: “Please stop mentioning that.”

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Tareq: “If I may, I’d like to say that I am a fairly well endowed man too.”
Michaele: “He’s at least twelve, thirteen, fourteen inches. What are you, love?”
“One is thirteen inches, the other is fourteen.”
“Yeah, he has two penises.”

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“YOU HIJACKED OUR SHOW!”

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“Whoa whoa whoa. You okay there, Mary?”

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“I came on this show to be famous. But I’m not. My friggin’ DAUGHTER is more famous than I am, and her name is LOLLY.”

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Michaele: “I really miss Lulu.”

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“Maybe you should have lodged a formal complaint about your fake goat with Vice President Biden when you CRASHED the White House.”

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Michaele: “I was going to, but there was lentil soup, and, well, I had to leave.”

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“I LOVE LENTIL SOUP.”

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“You left the White House because they served lentil soup?”

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Tareq: “What you have to understand is that the lentil soup really aggravates Michaele’s MS.”
“If I have too much, I get MSS.”

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Andy: “And what’s that?”
Michaele: “It’s like a really bad version of MS, but with an extra S. You know, like when you have something to say at the end of a letter, you say PS. And then if you have something else to say, you say PSS.”

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“You say PPS, you idiot.”

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“No. It’s PSS.”

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“What is the second S for?”

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“Savings.”

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“You leave OFF the S for savings. You don’t add it on.”

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“Hmmm, no.”

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Stacie: “Michaele, how can you sit there when you know that it’s 1-800-MATTRES with no last S!!”

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Michaele: “Whoever said you leave the last S off was lying. It’s a lie.”
Tareq: “We actually use 1-800-MATTRESSS.”
“Yeah. We actually add an S on for savings.”

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“Technically, you added two s’s.”

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“Well, the second S is for Sparkle.”

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“Tareq and Michaele, it seems like you guys can never give a straight answer to a question. Is that true?”

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“We always tell the truth.”

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“But are you capable of answering a question with just yes or no?”

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Tareq: “I think our record speaks for itself.”

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“So that would be a no.”

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Michaele: “I think we’re very direct with our responses.”

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“So can you be direct right now?”

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Michaele: “I don’t… I don’t think I understand the question?”
Tareq: “On the advice of counsel, I respectfully invoke my fifth amendment rights.”

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“You guys are kind of ridiculous.”

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“Guess who’s back Andy? It’s FlatCharles!”

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“You really like that picture don’t you?”

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“I fancy it quite a bit. And you know what it’s telling me?”
“What?”
“It’s saying ‘Hey Ebong, why don’t you try some of Cat’s bangers and mash.'”
“Ah.”
“I’m talking about sex.”
“Yeah, I got it.”

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Cat: “Hey Ebong, how about you send your bullet train into my Chunnel.”
Lynda: “Okay, Cat. That’s enough.”
Cat: “They don’t call me an honorary Beefeater for nothing.”
Lynda: “Okay now…”
Cat: “I can give you a tour of FUCKINGHAM PALACE.”
“CAT!”

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“You gotta admit, Michaele, this is much better than a White House dinner.”
“Totally.”

What did you think about the reunion?

24 replies on “REAL HOUSEWIVES REUNION PHOTOCAP: Salahism 101”

  1. They were NEVER invited to the White House. They just stalked the social secretary and she didn’t have the guts to tell them to take a flying leap. Easier to ask for forgiveness than permission, no? Or not….. The security/secret service totally fucked up and now these two nutters have a story to tell. Ugh. They are CRAZY! Make them go away.

    Amazing recap. My fave:
    Michaele: “Whoever said you leave the last S off was lying. It’s a lie.”
    Tareq: “We actually use 1-800-MATTRESSS.”
    “Yeah. We actually add an S on for savings.”

    HA!

  2. *begins slow clap*

    That. was. brilliant. You’ve outdone yourself!

    Although I think they are nuts, I almost felt bad for them. Part 2 was brutal to watch. I think Lynda is a little obsessed with Michaele, and the passive aggressive manner in which she mispronounces her name is disturbing.

    She may have MS, she may not. To question her, or request that her doctors speak on her behalf seems a bit much. Or to tell her too much protein is a bad thing? Lynda seemed a little too concerned with that, too. MS is different for different people. My mom had it for years without knowing, then years before she had to start telling people because it was becoming obvious. For a long time she had good days and bad days, which may be Michaele’s case. And I’ve never once heard my mom mention an MS diet. That whole part bothers me, although I will say that if she’s lying about it, she’s just disgusting.

  3. Money can’t buy you class. But it can buy you lawyers.
    The MS Society will never see a dime from the sale of that sari.

    hb

  4. Did we expect any real answers from the Salahis? I mean it would have been freaking awesome to hear that Tareq bankrupted his family winery playing Polo, that they do have no money, no car and no home, oh and WE CRASHED THE WHITE HOUSE STATE DINNER, we are nothing but reality Fame Whores now that would have been amazing

    As for MS, well it shoulda’ kicked in the day after the State dinner because stress is a great MS relapse maker [speaking from experience] and I for one would like to go and stick her with the ‘effing needle I use for the shot I take to keep MS at bay

    Nice pics of Andy gotta give him credit, he tried to get answers

    1. They actually went across the street to a bar, drank for a few hours and stiffed the bartender.

      They admitted this (not to not paying) in one of the earlier incarnations of what happened that evening that they went to the bar. This was before she self-diagnosed herself with MS.

  5. I love Mary but seriously, doesn’t her chest look so droopy? For someone who bragged about her botox in the past (hey, no judgment, but see– www. thatmominc.blogspot.com/2007/08/styling-and-profiling-mary-amons_16.html), she needs a lift or something. I guess that sounds mean, but I’m just being honest. Also her boots were not age appropriate. But I do still like her.

    1. How about just a good bra! For the love of Pete — a really good one only runs about $60 and doesn’t involve surgery. She should at minimum invest in one.

  6. I’m starting to think there is more to the story than they simply “crashed” the WH because of the way the government is handling it. Why in hell would they not be charged if they crashed the WH? The answer is: they would be charged. So, there has to be something murky enough that the Salahis DID actually believe they were invited and/or some MAJOR eff up on the WH end. The way they “are not being charged but case is not being dismissed” just smells fishy to me.

    But what the heck, maybe listening to 2 hours of the Salahi’s BS has worn me down & gotten me all confused.

    1. heathen – that’s what grifters do. They make you start doubting your common sense so that you focus on things other than the actual con. While you are puzzling why the WH hasn’t charged them you are not thinking about the fact that these two had no invitation – no confirmation and yet told a great many people they did. On camera.

      They constantly change the subject when asked direct questions and blame everyone but themselves. They look you in eyes and tell you you didn’t see what you saw, you didn’t hear what you heard and you are victimizing them. And because you are a decent human being you start doubting yourself.

      IMO – these two know exactly what they are doing. Living high on OPM (other peoples money).

      hb

      1. hb- you hit the nail on the head! It’s facinating and yet horrifying to watch them. I have never witnessed people like that, to that extreme before. You’d think that they’d realize they are on tv and have cameras catching their lies. But no, still doesn’t stop their spin doctoring.

  7. I cannot stand the Salahis. They are total con artists and the biggest fucking liars on TV. And it pisses my off that they are using MS to get sympathy from people. I REALLY hope Bravo drops them and they both go to jail.

  8. bwaaaahahahahaha!!! That.Was.Awesome. (the recap, I mean).
    I got SO frustrated listening to the Salahis talk in circles. I drank my wine WAY too fast because I was so nervous/irritated!! but it made WWHL really funny. Hoda and Patty Lee. hahaha

  9. that you could invoke the Care Bears holy name as well as the idiocy of the 1800Mattres phone number is just, well, genius. thanks for that. separately, for as much as the Salahi’s insist they didn’t crash the WH and how they claim that their lives have been turned upside down by this event, it was not surprising that Michaele expressed some bizarre pride in explaining that Salahi is now a verb meaning “to crash.” They love this. I would like to Salahi their Christmas party, pour lentil soup on their heads and give them the Care Bear stare of contempt…

  10. this.was.the.best.recap EVAHHHHHH
    OMG i am dying i love it so much. Love the goat rodeo. i was so confused watching that, poor Andy!

  11. Amazing recap (as usual) – the Care Bears really did it for me!

    I got a headache from trying to keep up with the show, but I have to say that Andy Cohen has certainly come a long way from his first reunion’s – he really was trying to get the truth out of them – well done, Andy!

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