REAL HOUSEWIVES PHOTOCAP: Doctored Situations

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Last night’s episode of The Real Housewives of Atlanta was all about medical intrigue. On the one hand, we had Phaedra finally giving birth to her oversized preemie (a.k.a her full term baby), and on the other hand, we had Dr. Tiy-E Muhammad explaining the merits of his alleged doctor title. Needless to say, both scenarios left us raising one eyebrow in the most dubious fashion.

The real bulk of the episode pertained to Phaedra, who took her giant lips to some rural former plantation to prepare for the birth of her child. According to her, the kid was only about thirty-two weeks old. According to the doctor, he was actually a full-term forty-week baby. Why the discrepancy? Well, it turns out that Phaedra’s mom runs a strict household — one where pregnancy before marriage is strictly verboten (however, being a total idiot is not). Clearly Phaedra’s been playing dumb to cover up the fact that she done got knocked up before Apollo put a ring on it. This immediately got the creaky gears in my brain moving, and I’ve since formed a new theory: Apollo and Phaedra really just had a one night stand that went awry, and because of this baby, they had to get a shotgun wedding. How else to explain their total lack of chemistry — not to mention the general lack of emotion (perhaps resentment?) that Phaedra displayed when she finally did pop the baby out of her “pocketbook.” Of course, this could all be totally untrue, but don’t act like you didn’t think the same thing.

Nevertheless, we can all take comfort in finally learning the truth about the baby’s age. I mean, it was clear that he hadn’t been “cooking” for just seven months. Even Kim was able to figure that out, and any time Kim can speak as an authority on a subject and we actually believe her, that says something (speaking of Kim and pregnancy, she too got knocked up, and you might be amused to find out who did the deed…).

Over in Sherayay’s world, our favorite fashion designer-cum-ballroom star decided to spend the episode enjoying fun and games. First she brought her kids to a go-kart track to celebrate their school graduations. This proved to be a fun affair — and far more appropriate and realistic than Taylor Armstrong’s ridiculous Mad Hatter tea party in Beverly Hills a few weeks ago. The first surprise was Sherayay’s ex Bob showed up — a bold move considering she’d been talking smack about him for the past two and a half seasons of the show. Heck, she even talked smack about him right there while he was sitting on the other end of the table.

After Bob made his cameo, the group headed out to the track where we got to finally imagine what it would be like if Nene Leakes were a character from Super MarioKart. She actually would fit right in with Mario and Luigi and Princess Peach. The only difference, however, is that instead of saying something like “Here we go!” or “I’m the best!”, she’d probably just spend the entire race screaming “AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!” until you want to just grab your Wii and toss it out the window. Yes, Nene did not take to Go-Karting particularly well, which was kind of dumb because if you can drive a normal car, a Go-Kart should be pretty painless.

This did not bode well for Nene’s burgeoning on-air career as an entertainment reporter for the local NBC affiliate. That didn’t stop Nene from trying to impress the brass with her connections to various stars (as well as an obsessive need to interview Tyler Perry). Amusingly, one of the women at the station warned Nene that they didn’t really want a lot of diva air snaps, causing Nene to scoff and ask who the hell does that anyway (cut to season two and Nene doing diva air snaps every single episode during her title card).

Anyway, I’m very excited to see Nene meet the stars, especially if all her interactions are as hilarious as her run-in with Dr. Muhammad. The two encountered each other at Shereé’s house during a random Spades party. Dr. Tiy-E opened his arms to embrace Nene, but she wasn’t about to let him touch her. Instead she tilted over like a teapot short and stout and asked, “Don’t I know you from somewhere?” Translation: “I do know you from somewhere, and you’re a shady-ass motherfucker.”

Turns out that Dr. Muhammad was a fake! SHOCKER! He used to go around Atlanta calling himself the love doctor and a psychologist, but he in fact was neither. It was a major scandal, and he was seemingly rode out of town (or at least the stripe of hair atop his head was). Now he was back and facing a grueling firing squad of Nene, Kandi, Lisa Wu Hartwell (drinks and dialogue indeed), and Cynthia. Not an easy crowd. In no time, the women learned that he was not a psychologist and furthermore, he received his doctorate ONLINE. No disrespect to online institutions, but getting a doctorate from the Internet? No. (At least when you’re passing yourself off as some acclaimed expert).

But then again, if there’s anything we’ve come to expect from Atlanta, it’s that no one is what they say they are and that expertise and professionalism — with the exception of Kandi — is a trait that’s few seem to actually possess. In other words, Dr. Muhammad will fit right in. And hey, maybe Kandi can give him the janky wig Kim gave her earlier in the episode. Honestly, anything’s an improvement over that reverse mohawk…

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Kim: “Hey check out that mirror. Do I always look like this?”
Cynthia: “What? Like a woman whose face is about to melt off?”
“No. I mean HOTT!”

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“Oh wow. A whore wig. Thanks, Kim!”

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Lisa: “I see you’re not carrying the Closet Freak line.”
“I must have forgotten to order it.”
“Bitch.”
“Whore.”

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Phaedra: “The doctors have a theory that I’m pregnant, but I don’t know.”

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“Apparently I’m giving birth in this room.”
“Well, that IS what happens.”
“I suppose. I mean, the doctors have their theories…”

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“Um, Phaedra, now is not a good time to nap.”

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“Oh look, it’s a Chinese baby. Funny, I don’t remember having sex with any Chinese men 40 weeks ago when Apollo was out of town and I got drunk at PF Changs and then grabbed a bus boy and took him out back and made love to him and then told myself I would block it completely from my memory.”

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Dr. Muhammad: “I got you a gift.”
“Oh really?”
“Just kidding. Can I borrow $5?”

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Lisa: “An online doctorate? And you want to work for Hartwell and Associates? I don’t think so.”

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Kandi: “Here’s what you should do: take some powdered sugar, rub it on your man parts, lick your hand, and then go jerk-off because Sherayay ain’t banging no fake doctor.”

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Nene: “So what do you think?”
[whisper whisper whisper]
“Nene, we’ve thought long and hard about it, and we’ve decided yes, you can have Mr. Nibbles.”
“Mr. who?”
“You did come here to purchase a cat, yes?”
“I thought this was a news station.”
“It is. But to help pay the bills, we sell kittens too.”
“YOU HAVE DONE ME WRONG!”
“Sorry for the misunderstanding.”
“You should be sorry for wasting my time…. but I will take Mr. Nibbles.”

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“So, um, I kind of was dropping acid when I bought this outfit.”

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“Girl, I cannot believe Kandi wore a crazy yellow shirt also. Furthermore, where the hell is my spades party HELICOPTER??”

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Sherayay: “Go-Karting? Why are we Go-Karting? I thought we were doing a royal joust.”

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“CHILD, IF I FALL IN THE LAVA IN BOWSER’S CASTLE, SO HELP ME GOD!!!”

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“Someone put an oversized chestnut shell on my head, and it is NOT cool.”

23 replies on “REAL HOUSEWIVES PHOTOCAP: Doctored Situations”

  1. I’ve never seen a woman less interested in her baby….wtf Chinese? (busboy at PF Changs – ha!) This child would be better off raised by wolves I have a feeling.

  2. I can’t believe Phaedra tried to pass off her lying about her due date as other doctors “theories.” Hahahaha. *Nene voice* Shut up!

  3. The Atlanta cast has been so funny this season. I know she’s crazy, but I’m loving Phaedra. She poopoos on everything, calling her hospital the “hood.” And her saying “We’re here as guests, not to work” was also funny. (I heard she and Apollo dated before he went to prison so I don’t think it started off as a hook-up).

    Also funny was Nene dangling all those celebs to the station execs and they were literally drooling. I have a feeling Nene’s gonna give them more the likes of Keenan Ivory Wayans than Denzel Washington.

    Props to Sheree for raising her children well. From her adult daughter to the little ones, they seem sweet and not obnoxious.

    Can’t wait next week for Sheree to annihilate the fake doctor.

  4. Everything that Phaedra says and does is so full of sh*t it’s unbelievable. Like so many people have said, any woman that is pregnant, particularly with their first baby, could tell you the # of days they are pregnant let alone weeks/months.

    Second, she acted like they c-sectioned her raw with no drugs the way she was moaning and acting like she could feel every slice. I had a c section and you feel nothing. Although it wouldn’t shock me to find out that “Dr. Lue” may have forgotten to give the anesthetic

    1. I was wondering about that. Although I have never given birth, I was wondering about the moaning with a C-section. It seemed odd. With Phaedra you just never know…

      1. Plus, with a c-section, there’s a curtain between your head and your stomach and not only do you feel nothing, you can’t see anything either. Except for the expressions on my husband’s face–those were priceless.

      2. I had a c-section and wondered the same thing. First of all, I didn’t feel a thing except tugging. Secondly, I was waaaayyyyy too out of it to be moaning and be writhing around on the table(writhing around NOT recommended when being sliced open, btw). But also I was also too out of it to even think about faking it. So I don’t know if her need for attention sadly runs that deep or what. Finally, no baby comes out looking un-gooey, or maybe slightly Asian for that matter, but generally those are not the mother’s first two reactions to her newborn. But she has been so (purposefully?) detached from this whole pregnancy, it is really not all that surprising.
        I’ll be very interested to see how she actually deals with motherhood, or if she just has a team of nannies do it and report back to her. Or Apollo.

        1. I had a c-section and I could feel every part of it. There was something wrong with the epidural drip and I wasn’t getting enough of the medicine. No one realized at the time because I just thought that was how it was suppose to feel. That I was supposed to be pain because hey I was in labor and didn’t really say anything, and just kept my pain/whining/moans to myself.

          Later a nurse noticed how high my blood pressure was and kind of figured out that it was because I was experiencing pain. Not only was I dealing with the c-section, but my back was very hot and burning/itching. It seem that there was a kink in the line and the drug wasn’t getting into me and the needle had come loose and was poking my spinal cord, hence the burning. And it was dangerous to have the needle like that.

          I never thought I would ever face pain with grace- I didn’t figure I was one of those women that think they should suffer because Eve brought sin to the garden of eden, but I guess my childhood had more an influence on me that thought. I learned from that to scream when in pain.

          So I can understand her screaming out if she had any of the same problems that I did. B-side please come up with a funny, witty, slicing commentary or discription of Phaedra’s mouth/pucker. Her mouth reminds me of the noise that Jackee made on 227.

          LOVE, LOVE Neers this season. I love all her quips. “Just shut up.”

    1. i’ve been waiting for your comment ALL DAY…and this is all it is?

      I NEED A POINT BY POINT CRITIQUE! haha. i look forward to your comments almost more than the recap itself 🙂

    2. Jen## – can you find out if his name is really ‘Tiy-E’ ? And if he did make it up (as seems his way) why he decided to make the dash silent.

      hb

    3. That’s the weirdest hair situation I’ve seen in a long time (not counting Kim). What’s going on there? Is it hair loss? It’s like a middle part that’s just gotten a mind of its own. And it’s not even straight. It zig-zags lightning bolt style.

      Was it established HOW Sheree met Not Dr.? I wonder if Bravo set them up? There is NO WAY they didn’t know.

  5. “CHILD, IF I FALL IN THE LAVA IN BOWSER’S CASTLE, SO HELP ME GOD!!!”

    Genius. I kept waiting for her to swerve to avoid mislain banana peels and errant Koopa Shells.

  6. Nene asked Tiy-E if he didn’t used to have dreads, which he acknowledged–d’ya suppose in an attempt to disguise himeself for this show, he cut them off, resulting in the “reverse Mohawk” look he sports?

  7. HILARIOUS!!!! I KNEW Phaedra was full term, EVERYONE (even Stevie Wonder) could see that, however, NOW we KNOW the reason for the lie, to keep her mother from sitting on her!!!!!!

  8. “Apollo and Phaedra really just had a one night stand that went awry, and because of this baby, they had to get a shotgun wedding. How else to explain their total lack of chemistry — not to mention the general lack of emotion…”

    Good point. I just assumed they were doing the nasty a lot more than a one-night-stand and oopsie! THEN the shotgun wedding because she didn’t want to seem…um…un-Southern…?

    The broad is over 30, though. If she wants to screw, then that’s her business.

    LMAO @ the photocaps!! They were hilarious!

    Funniest ones: ““CHILD, IF I FALL IN THE LAVA IN BOWSER’S CASTLE, SO HELP ME GOD!!!”

    ““Oh look, it’s a Chinese baby. Funny, I don’t remember having sex with any Chinese men 40 weeks ago when Apollo was out of town and I got drunk at PF Changs and then grabbed a bus boy and took him out back and made love to him and then told myself I would block it completely from my memory.””

    “Kandi: “Here’s what you should do: take some powdered sugar, rub it on your man parts, lick your hand, and then go jerk-off because Sherayay ain’t banging no fake doctor.””

  9. Re: Chinese baby (lol who SAYS that)… I am thinking homeboy got outta prison and *boom* that’s the end/beginning of that story. Then preggo Phaedra probably invited him to a party that was a surprise wedding or something. She seems like someone who would do that, and he seems simple enough to agree.

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