Several years ago when I first moved to Los Angeles, I went driving around in Beverly Hills to take in the glitz and glamour of all the huge mansions jam packed next to each other. At one point, I came upon a birthday party, and I was shocked to see valets, a petting zoo, a bouncy castle, and a whole variety of excessive items that I might not necessarily expect to see at such an event. Okay — fine. Bouncy castle is barely acceptable (I must admit that a girl I knew growing up had a bouncy castle at one of her birthday parties), but a petting zoo? Valets? When I grew up, there was cake, party favors, and maybe some hats and noisemakers. We didn’t have petting zoos.
Later, I relayed this incredulous scene to an older, married couple who lived in The Hills, and they just stared at me and said, “Well, yeah. How could you NOT have a petting zoo?” The sad truth is that the two decadent birthday parties we saw on last night’s Real Housewives of Beverly Hills do happen, and they happen a lot. It’s a competitive scene out there, and when you’ve got bored trophy wives like Taylor Armstrong just yearning to burn through money, crazy things happen. And crazy things did happen. Taylor launched a birthday party so over-the-top and so clearly geared towards her and not the daughter that it was that Kyle’s rival birthday party looked quaint in comparison.
The good thing about Kyle’s birthday party was that even though it certainly was excessive, it definitely had a lot of warmth to it and seemed geared primarily towards the kids. There were balloons everywhere, a train track, a bouncy castle — all that crap. The point was to make sure everyone — particularly the kids — had fun. Of course, since wee Portia was only turning two, it’s not like this celebration will be seared into her memory; so on that front, the party seemed ridiculous and dumb. But as a family event, I think we all have to give Kyle props for hitting the nail on the head (even if the hammer she used cost $12,000).
On the other hand, Taylor’s party was awful and represented everything that’s wrong with Beverly Hills. Not only was it entirely excessive (the show claimed it was only $60,000, but I think it was closer to $80,000, not that it EVEN matters because it’s all retardedly too much), but the party was so transparently geared towards Taylor that it made me uncomfortable. This poor woman seems to have nothing going on in her life: she’s in a loveless marriage, her face is stretched out like a tribal drum, and she’s clearly attention-deprived. Why else would she spend the early hours of her daughter’s birthday taking photos of herself rather than hanging out with her child (who appeared happiest riding a big swing back and forth, not engaging in some fancy tea party).
Even more repulsive was Taylor’s inculcation of materialism at a young age. Hey, I’m totally materialistic, but announcing that age four is the appropriate time to have your first diamond? That’s just paving the way towards having a spoiled brat on your hands — the kind of brat who will grow up to be a trophy wife who’ll do little more than throw lavish parties to fill the void in her life.
Truly the problem with Taylor’s party, however, was that it just didn’t look fun for the kids. Let’s face it: the whole point of these shenanigans was for Taylor to one-up the coterie of plastic faces that marched into her tea party that afternoon. The children spent most of their time literally playing in a dirt pile. It was ridiculous. Gotta love this show.
Thank God we have Lisa VanderPump around to keep things real. This woman is quite possibly my favorite housewife of all time, and if I had to choose between her and Sonja Morgan, I truly wouldn’t know what to do. Regarding Taylor’s party, Lisa just looked incredulously at the camera and noted that she and Ken had never thrown anything as excessive as that. Just about the only over-the-top moment they’d had involved a spotted dog show (insert mighty guffaw from me). Ultimately, she said it best when she asked whatever happened to Pin The Tail On The Donkey.
Far from the fray was Camille Grammer, who I used to think was aiiiight, but now I’m thinking is ridiculous. She spent most of the episode lounging about in Hawaii, boasting about her good deeds, patting herself on the back for keeping Kelsey sober, and then rueing the enormous responsibilities she faced day in and day out. Mind you she seems to have a servant for every conceivable task around the house, but yet somehow she’s still overwhelmed with stress. Camille seemed most out of sorts when planning her trip to Hawaii. There were so many logistics, so many items to be checked off! Bitch, it’s called GET ON THE PLANE, LAND IN HAWAII, FIND YOUR DRIVER, AND SHOW UP AT YOUR HOUSE. Seriously, what else could she have been stressing over? Was she concerned that she might not have time to find a Toblerone at the airport? (For the record, that actually would stress me out) (and for the record, it actually HAS stressed me out in the past).
Anyway, here’s the photocap:
“Oh my God! It’s a picture of my old face!!”
Kim: “Please stop doing shadow puppets on my face.”
“Check it out: I’m in a band! I’m going to call it ‘Eternal Sadness!’”
Adrienne: “I can’t stay long. I had to drug Paul to get out of the house without him following. He’ll be waking up in about forty-five minutes.”
“Ugh. I have to go back to Paul after this.”
“Is everyone enjoying my birthday party? I mean, Kennedy’s birthday party. Where is that kid anyway? Ah, who cares. Happy Birthday to me!!!”
Lisa: “So you realize that you’re being dreadfully tacky, yes?”
“Yay! We get to sit in the dirt!”
“Hiiiiiiiiii sweetie! I’m Brody Jenner’s hot mom. Do you know who Brody Jenner is? And don’t you think I’m hot?”
“GET THIS BITCH AWAY FROM ME!”
“Someday Kennedy you’ll be able to marry for money also. And then burn through all of it!”
“Mommy, I don’t like this party.”
“Don’t act like a fat girl, honey.”
Lisa: “You should have seen the other party. You know, I’m from the English countryside and the most we ever did for our children’s birthdays was have a Yorkshire Puds contest.”
“Look! Mommy got you a piece of cardboard!”
What did you think of the episode?