REAL HOUSEWIVES PHOTOCAP: Parties In The U.S.A.

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Several years ago when I first moved to Los Angeles, I went driving around in Beverly Hills to take in the glitz and glamour of all the huge mansions jam packed next to each other. At one point, I came upon a birthday party, and I was shocked to see valets, a petting zoo, a bouncy castle, and a whole variety of excessive items that I might not necessarily expect to see at such an event. Okay — fine. Bouncy castle is barely acceptable (I must admit that a girl I knew growing up had a bouncy castle at one of her birthday parties), but a petting zoo? Valets? When I grew up, there was cake, party favors, and maybe some hats and noisemakers. We didn’t have petting zoos.

Later, I relayed this incredulous scene to an older, married couple who lived in The Hills, and they just stared at me and said, “Well, yeah. How could you NOT have a petting zoo?” The sad truth is that the two decadent birthday parties we saw on last night’s Real Housewives of Beverly Hills do happen, and they happen a lot. It’s a competitive scene out there, and when you’ve got bored trophy wives like Taylor Armstrong just yearning to burn through money, crazy things happen. And crazy things did happen. Taylor launched a birthday party so over-the-top and so clearly geared towards her and not the daughter that it was that Kyle’s rival birthday party looked quaint in comparison.

The good thing about Kyle’s birthday party was that even though it certainly was excessive, it definitely had a lot of warmth to it and seemed geared primarily towards the kids. There were balloons everywhere, a train track, a bouncy castle — all that crap. The point was to make sure everyone — particularly the kids — had fun. Of course, since wee Portia was only turning two, it’s not like this celebration will be seared into her memory; so on that front, the party seemed ridiculous and dumb. But as a family event, I think we all have to give Kyle props for hitting the nail on the head (even if the hammer she used cost $12,000).

On the other hand, Taylor’s party was awful and represented everything that’s wrong with Beverly Hills. Not only was it entirely excessive (the show claimed it was only $60,000, but I think it was closer to $80,000, not that it EVEN matters because it’s all retardedly too much), but the party was so transparently geared towards Taylor that it made me uncomfortable. This poor woman seems to have nothing going on in her life: she’s in a loveless marriage, her face is stretched out like a tribal drum, and she’s clearly attention-deprived. Why else would she spend the early hours of her daughter’s birthday taking photos of herself rather than hanging out with her child (who appeared happiest riding a big swing back and forth, not engaging in some fancy tea party).

Even more repulsive was Taylor’s inculcation of materialism at a young age. Hey, I’m totally materialistic, but announcing that age four is the appropriate time to have your first diamond? That’s just paving the way towards having a spoiled brat on your hands — the kind of brat who will grow up to be a trophy wife who’ll do little more than throw lavish parties to fill the void in her life.

Truly the problem with Taylor’s party, however, was that it just didn’t look fun for the kids. Let’s face it: the whole point of these shenanigans was for Taylor to one-up the coterie of plastic faces that marched into her tea party that afternoon. The children spent most of their time literally playing in a dirt pile. It was ridiculous. Gotta love this show.

Thank God we have Lisa VanderPump around to keep things real. This woman is quite possibly my favorite housewife of all time, and if I had to choose between her and Sonja Morgan, I truly wouldn’t know what to do. Regarding Taylor’s party, Lisa just looked incredulously at the camera and noted that she and Ken had never thrown anything as excessive as that. Just about the only over-the-top moment they’d had involved a spotted dog show (insert mighty guffaw from me). Ultimately, she said it best when she asked whatever happened to Pin The Tail On The Donkey.

Far from the fray was Camille Grammer, who I used to think was aiiiight, but now I’m thinking is ridiculous. She spent most of the episode lounging about in Hawaii, boasting about her good deeds, patting herself on the back for keeping Kelsey sober, and then rueing the enormous responsibilities she faced day in and day out. Mind you she seems to have a servant for every conceivable task around the house, but yet somehow she’s still overwhelmed with stress. Camille seemed most out of sorts when planning her trip to Hawaii. There were so many logistics, so many items to be checked off! Bitch, it’s called GET ON THE PLANE, LAND IN HAWAII, FIND YOUR DRIVER, AND SHOW UP AT YOUR HOUSE. Seriously, what else could she have been stressing over? Was she concerned that she might not have time to find a Toblerone at the airport? (For the record, that actually would stress me out) (and for the record, it actually HAS stressed me out in the past).

Anyway, here’s the photocap:

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“Oh my God! It’s a picture of my old face!!”

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Kim: “Please stop doing shadow puppets on my face.”

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“Check it out: I’m in a band! I’m going to call it ‘Eternal Sadness!’”

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Adrienne: “I can’t stay long. I had to drug Paul to get out of the house without him following. He’ll be waking up in about forty-five minutes.”

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“Ugh. I have to go back to Paul after this.”

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“Is everyone enjoying my birthday party? I mean, Kennedy’s birthday party. Where is that kid anyway? Ah, who cares. Happy Birthday to me!!!”

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Lisa: “So you realize that you’re being dreadfully tacky, yes?”

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“Yay! We get to sit in the dirt!”

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“Hiiiiiiiiii sweetie! I’m Brody Jenner’s hot mom. Do you know who Brody Jenner is? And don’t you think I’m hot?”
“No.”
“GET THIS BITCH AWAY FROM ME!”

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“Someday Kennedy you’ll be able to marry for money also. And then burn through all of it!”

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“Mommy, I don’t like this party.”
“Don’t act like a fat girl, honey.”

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Lisa: “You should have seen the other party. You know, I’m from the English countryside and the most we ever did for our children’s birthdays was have a Yorkshire Puds contest.”

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“Look! Mommy got you a piece of cardboard!”

What did you think of the episode?

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23 thoughts on “REAL HOUSEWIVES PHOTOCAP: Parties In The U.S.A.

  1. When this branch of the franchise started, I was simply blown away by the sheer amount of money these women seem to have access to. It blows the other Housewives out of the water.
    Now, it’s starting to make me uncomfortable. Given, one of Camille’s nannies most certainly makes twice as much, or more, a year than I do, but, anyway, this episode made me uncomfortable. The extravagance is too much. Too too much. Ugh.

  2. My favorite is Lisa also. And, Camille is fast becoming my most unfavorite…well, her and Taylor are tied in that category. Adrienne rocks too!

  3. Lisa is most definitely the best housewife of all time. At least she is my favorite. I loved the way she was with her children especially the youngest son and the fact that her children are not losers without any goals. But what sealed the deal for best housewife of all time was when she said “whatever happened to pin the tail on the donkey?”

    Camille is truly awful! In the first episode when she was talking to Kelsey on the phone the conversation seemed so fake and she almost hung up on him. She is constantly trying to get attention and acting like she does so much. You hit the nail on the head when you gave her checklist for her Hawaii vacation.

    While Kiley’s birthday party for her daughter was still over the top in costs it did seem more family and kid oriented. However, Taylor’s party was just TOO MUCH! What is she thinking? Her daughter and friends didn’t even like it. Four year olds do not need a piece of jewelry with diamonds.

  4. Camille is either looped up on something that reminds me of the sister getting married in Sixteen Candles or she is extremely fake. She gives this vibe of just putting on a show. She’s always tossing her head back and forth, looking from side to side dramatically, everything annoys me.

    Definitely loving Lisa and feeling the same way about her being an all time fav.

    I can’t even comment on Taylor. My head might explode.

  5. love lisa. i may even want to be her when i grow up, in parts. camille is a horrible donkey of a woman. pin the tail the camille (but first let her adjust her bikini bottoms – yeeesh). oh, i’m no expert, but i’m pretty sure taking credit for someone else’s recovery from addiction is not the most affirming or supportive thing you can do for said former addict. you hear me, eyore??

  6. I heart Ms VanderPump. I mean, really, with that name, what’s not to love?? But she seems incredibly down to earth for a privileged lady (as does Ms Maloof, somewhat surprisingly) and for realz, she is my favorite, and I look forward to seeing her and not to mock! Camille is dreadful and awful and horrid. Tay-tay is not my blessed jewel, neither.

  7. This show is by far my favorite franchise. Lisa & Adrienne are great. I think Adrienne loves Paul. It’s just her personality – at least I hope so. I’m hoping that they just tease each other but really do have a strong relationship.

    I got emotional watching Lisa with her son Max. So sweet. I hope he doesn’t break her heart. He would have a lot of angry viewers knocking on his door.

    I watched WWH with Kyle and Isaac M. on it & she mumbled a response when Andy said her party cost $15k. So, I totally agree with you BSide. Probably both parties cost way more than they stated. Ridiculous. I thought I spent too much on parties before this show. My 3 yo has never had one except for family. But my 5 yo has had those bouncy place parties. Growing up I think we got a party with friends every other year.

    I don’t like Taylor but I feel sad for her. I will say that although she gave her daughter jewelry way too early, it came from a good place. She was doing it b/c she remembered how much it meant to her when her grandma(?) gave her jewelry. The key word is “remember”. A 4 yo won’t.

  8. Omygoodness — DAINSEY!!! The Sixteen Candles reference is spot on!! Camille IS Molly Ringwald’s narcissistic sister hopped up on muscle relaxants. Whew. I can now watch this show and not be so annoyed by her. It’s the Midol!

    I have been to Chicago versions of these stupid parties. It is all about the parents and not the kids. I remember when I was a kid and the HUGE party was riding on the Burger King Double Decker Bus. Good times and genuinely fun for the kids vs. this annoying tea-party crap. It probably cost $50.

  9. Camille has a Jesus Complex because she just wants to help people — that completes her.
    (my eyes were momentarily stuck during my HUGE eye-roll) And how many times is Bravo going to show me her butt crack while she adjusts her cooter covers.?! Meh.

    hb

  10. There is so much RIDICULOUSNESS on this show, but I fucking love it. Best franchise for sure.

    Lisa – What’s not to love? I hope her son does well cuz she doesn’t deserve that heartache.

    Adrienne – As an alpha female, her husband is totally the right match for her. I think he’s the ONLY ONE who can joke with her and get away with it.

    Camille – I am sooo gonna use the “Jesus Complex.” Next time I want to get credit for something, I’ll say I have a “Jesus Complex.” I also love how she has someone just to arrange her fruits into individual bowls.

    And I’m telling you, women like Camille LOVE the hate they get from other women. The more you hate, the more they enjoy it.

    Taylor – We need that party. Otherwise, what would we collectively gasp in incredulity at?

    *And by the way, doesn’t Linda Thompson have anything else better to do? She’s the Kim Granatell of this cast.

  11. Cat from DC could use some class and coolness lessons from Lisa! She rocks! I agree with you B-Side, her and Sonja are the best.
    Camille is awful. Not attractive in ANY way. And her one-on-one interviews are bizarre with all of her “coquettish” head gestures. Ugh.

  12. In a word: Ugh!
    This franchise is painful to watch. They have no concept to scrape and scrimp to put food on a table…or even remotely appreciate owning something they saved for a year to purchase. I LOVE hating them though…in my best Camille the Coquette Kelsey throw-away imitation.
    “Don’t act like a fat girl”…that must have seriously pissed some people off around the country.

  13. The editor’s of these shows are the best. I loved how every time Awful Camille praised herself for all her hard work, they cut to a member of her staff. And can we discuss the gross couple in the hot tub? They screamed key party to me. I wanted to like her because of how Kelsey left the marriage but she makes it SO difficult.

    Taylor’s legs are so skinny I was grossed out.

  14. I have been wondering how these women don’t fall off their shoes.
    Taylor has found the solution by using ace bandages to keep them on.
    fugly shoes.
    Great caps as always!

  15. Lisa is definitely the best. When she was talking about Taylor describing her husband as a hunky cowboy and then when she actually saw him…she all but snorted she was laughing so hard. I had to rewind that part. She and Adrienne are my favorites and are freakishly down to earth. Camille is the worst.

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