Usually we only get one episode per season of Kim Zolciak trying to sing, but thankfully, we got a bonus dose of her “instrument” this week on The Real Housewives of Atlanta. Kim reunited with her vocal coach from season one, Jan, and attempted to take on her newest single, “The Ring Didn’t Mean A Thing.” As you can imagine, the results were less than perfect. Whether she was struggling with a low, husky “Whoa-oo-whoa-ooo-whoa” or a loud, caterwauling “WHOA-OO-WHOA-OOO-WHOA!!!” it all sounded awful, which is to say, it sounded amazing. Watching Kim attempt to sing continues to be a gift that never stops giving. It’s just as funny now as it was two years ago, especially since the entire experience is now rooted in passive-aggression, courtesy of Jan and Kandi. The sad part is that I’ve had the dumb song in my head all morning, which is really a testament to Kandi and her team more than anything else. I still truly believe Bravo should have some spin-off show where Kandi takes regular people and turns their creaky voices into radio-friendly, autotuned hits. It’s utterly fascinating watching her polish a turd, let alone a turd in a giant wig.
Of course, since Kim has major performance anxiety, she needed to find some moral support for her reunion with Jan. Enter Tracy, the much talked-about lesbian lover who may or may not be a phase (spoiler alert: she’s not the latter). The chipper DJ flew all the way down to Atlanta to hear her lady friend mangle many, many notes. If that doesn’t mean love and devotion, I don’t know what is. Amusingly though, despite their relationship being in the tabloids and despite Kim’s extreme candor about her to the cameras, things got awkward later on when the other Housewives met Tracy for the first time at a drag race (don’t ask). Nosy Sherayay asked Tracy how things were going with Kim, causing Kim to freak out and separate her sapphic partner from the rest of the group. It was just yet another amusing attempt at “privacy” on this franchise that just loves to air its dirty laundry.
Previous to the Tracy shenanigans, we had Nene who spent the previous episode reiterating to us, AMERICA, how she wanted to keep her divorce situation private. I love Nene; I think she’s absolutely amazing, but I’m not sure how gabbing on about your marital situation to Bravo cameras truly constitutes discretion. Nevertheless, Nene spent much of this episode down in the doldrums, what with her marriage crumbling apart before her eyes. She tried to vent to Cynthia, but apparently Cynthia’s not allowed to chat with Nene when Peter’s around. Why? Because he works around the clock, and when he comes home, he wants his wife’s undivided attention. I could actually see the point he was trying to make, but he was being a bit boorish about it. Clearly this quarantine would not lead to good things, and sure enough, by the end of the episode, Nene and Peter were bickering on the phone, with Nene giving him a piece of her mind like only she can. To Peter’s credit though, he definitely went toe to toe with her, unlike that sad sack Greg who just sat like a lump on a bar stool while she ripped into him.
Elsewhere in Atlanta, Kim wasn’t the only one mining the arts to advance her career. Sherayay resumed her quest to be a thespian, even landing a meeting with a local talent agency in the city. All she had to do was read some lines from a scene, and as long as she didn’t screw them up too badly, chances were she’d be signed.
Let’s put it this way: ShereÃ© acts about as well as Kim sings. Coming from the Brian Atene school of emoting, Sherayay was prone to dramatic pauses and, well, dramatic pauses. That was sort of her signature thing. Sadly, there’s no auto-tune for acting; although, I’m sure if ShereÃ© gets paired with Matt Weiner, there’s potential (see: January Jones). Methinks the road to an Oscar might be a bit longer than Kim’s quest for a Grammy.
Of course, when it comes to artistic vision, no one can compete with Phaedra, who once again invited seminal photographer Spark St. John into her household for a photo shoot. The entire thing was about as bonkers and bizarre as it could be, and just about the only thing missing was a pickle jar. Instead, Phaedra and Apollo had their Asian baby to hold this time, and naturally, they dangled the poor child in so many awkward positions, I was afraid that Social Services might have to be called. Wee Ayden had his revenge though as he pooped all over his mommy’s hand. High five to the little guy.
And now here’s the photocap:
“Hey Tracy. I need you for moral support. Also, I look prettier when I stand next to you.”
“Hey Sherayay, we booked you a meeting with an agency.”
“I’m sorry, I’m already repped by my own agency: Agency by AgenceÃ©.”
Phaedra: “Welcome back, Spark St. John. I’m looking forward to you taking more photos of us. And as we all know, photography is the scientific process where light gets captured in a powder that then spreads all over paper and melts.”
Apollo: “Ah yes.”
Spark: “Actually, that’s not exactly how it happens.”
Phaedra: “Hmmmm… that’s not what I’ve heard.”
Spark: “Photography actually involves film, but in the digital age–“
Phaedra: “Ah, the digital age, which we all know is a reference to the common usage of modern irons and ironing boards.”
Apollo: “Ah, yes. That is true.”
Spark: “No, the digital age pertains to computers–“
Phaedra: “And naturally, computers are very small tea cups.”
Apollo: “Yes yes.”
Spark: “Computers are machines with–“
Phaedra: “Machine, who we all know was an influential philosopher from Egypt.”
Apollo: “Oooh yes.”
Spark: “You realize my name is Spark St. John? I’m supposed to be the crazy one here.”
Phaedra: “Mmmhhhhmmmm… this is a very classy photo. Apollo has his handsome t-shirt on, I’m in a sexy nighty, and the baby is clearly uncomfortable. Classssssy!”
Phaedra: “Oooh, this is very sophisticated. This is just the way the ancient Greeks took photos.”
Apollo: “Yes, I heard that.”
“Everyone loves the name Ayden.”
“I’m gonna call him by his middle name, Adonis.”
“And as we all know, Adonis is a reference to the very popular sneaker brand worn all around the world.”
Phaedra: “Sneakers were actually invented by an Indian Tribe in Minnesota. Mmmhmmm, that’s right. They wore the sneakers to catch elephants in the winter. Hence the name: sneaker. The E stands for elephant.”
Kim: “I brought Tracy along for moral support.”
Tracy: “Yeah, I’m the only one who actually likes the sound of her voice. But that’s because it reminds me of the Dust Buster I use to pleasure myself with.”
Jan: “Lord, Kandi, where did you find this woman?”
Kandi: “Andy Cohen held a knife to my neck and said if I didn’t record a song with Kim, he’d burn down my house.”
“I’d have burned down the house.”
“If my poet isn’t here soon, I am going to FUH-reak out!”
“And that concludes my scene. Any tips or advice?”
“Yes. Go back to ballroom dancing.”
“Hey Cynthia. This is my girlfriend Tracy.”
Cynthia: “Hi! How long have you two been dating?”
Kim: “WHY WOULD YOU ASK SUCH THINGS?? Mind your own business!”
Kim: “Whooa-ooo-whoa-ooo-whoa-ooo the ring didn’t mean a thiiiIIIiiiiIIIiiiIIIIiiiinnnnnng.”
“I just masturbated.”
“Race car driver by Race Car DrivereÃ©.”
“So how does this work? Is a helicopter gonna come and fly me to the finish line?”
What did you think about the episode?