So have we caught our breath? I only caught mine now, and it’s been many hours. I’m talking, of course, to my reaction to last night’s Real Housewives of Beverly Hills, which featured an epic dinner party marked by fighting, boozing, and oodles of personal attacks. As Real Housewives dinner imbroglios go, this one was a doozy, perhaps only trumped by Kelly Bensimon’s notorious dinner party meltdown on “Scary Island.” I’m happy to say the event lived up to the hype.
We knew the blowout was gonna be good when the dinner party sequence began in the first twenty minutes of the show. Normally, if there’s a fight or something juicy, it gets shoved into the last ten minutes of the episode, but not this time. There was too much good stuff. The whole premise of this installment was that Camille wanted to throw a dinner party. It was her way of opening her home and her heart to the other women and show that she’s really a good egg and capable of moving past “New York,” which has become a code-word for awful, petty drama.
Well, Camille invited everyone, and all the women happily RSVP’d yes — even Kyle, who had previous plans with her dear friend and OJ Simpson trial sideshow Faye Resnick. Camille assured Kyle that it would be fine to bring Faye to the party; although, admittedly, if we’re keeping score, it was Kyle’s bad to ask to bring a stranger to a dinner party. Not the best etiquette.
Anyway, the women all hopped in limos and drove off to Malibu where they were greeted by not just Camille but several oversized martini glasses. Listen, I enjoy a cocktail here and there, but these things were ridiculous. It was like Camille had gone shopping at some silly novelty store. I wouldn’t have been surprised if she had a giant pencil in the back room.
Aside from Shrek-sized martinis, Camille also had two of her friends on hand: professional sidekick D.D. and a dashing redhead named Allison DuBois. We learned very quickly that Ms. DuBois was a medium, and not just any medium: she as THE medium that Medium was based off of. I’ll give you all a moment to let that sink in. Clearly these women were in the presence of greatness.
No one seemed to be particularly impressed by Allison’s professional background; although, that might have been due to her generally awkward social skills. She had a tendency to proclaim something and then just stare and smile as if to say “Aren’t you impressed with what I just said? I know I am!” Anyway, despite Allison being billed as the greatest medium in the history of mediums, she was not about to use her Gift. She was off the clock, and when Allison goes off the clock, she likes to indulge in the drinky-poo. I wouldn’t say I’m particularly clairvoyant, but I do see the future, and it involves Alcoholics Anonymous.
Despite the presence of the kooky Allison, the party started off totally fine. There was gabbing and laughing and general mirth. And then Camille went there. Where? THURRE. She suddenly began pondering aloud where she had recognized Faye from and then suddenly she stated something along the lines of “Oh that’s right, I saw you naked in Playboy.” This, of course, was followed by the signature Bravo “BOOM” sound, which led to serious music and urgent glances around the dinner table. It was such an amazingly passive-aggressive moment that I was shocked the brawl didn’t begin right then and there. Instead, Faye politely gave Camille the stone face.
Camille probably realized that she had just doled out a not-so-little jab; so she tried to backpedal, saying that Faye’s SPREAD looked great, but the insincerity on display was entirely too evident. Kyle, meanwhile, happily reminded Camille that she too had posed for Playboy, but Camille qualified that statement by saying she did the classy lingerie Playboy, or something like that. It was certainly an awkward moment, and it sewed the seeds for future chaos.
Well, the night continued to spiral downwards from that moment. Allison the medium lived up to her alky reputation and got hammered on the giant cocktails. Before long she was teasing the women with her Giftâ„¢, and naturally, they all wanted to see it in action. However, the life of a medium is a difficult one, and for just this one night, Allison wanted to be Allison DuBois, not Allison the Medium (even though that’s how she was billed and was all she talked about). Lisa was particularly curious about Allison’s skillz and pressed hard for a reading. Allison, however, resisted and said she was off the clock. It was at this point that Kyle began mocking the medium (to be fair, Allison should have seen it coming).
Like everyone else at the table and now America, Kyle couldn’t help but think this Allison DuBois lady was at least batshit crazy, and if not that, then socially bizarre. But instead of just smiling politely and taking mental notes for a total laughfest in the limo after, Kyle began making true little jabs at Allison’s expense. She snickered about needing to pay Allison for a reading, which only served to put drunk Allison on edge. Not one who plays nice, Allison immediately began hitting below the belt, saying that Kyle’s marriage would end in divorce and that she would never be emotionally fulfilled by Mauricio. She then wrapped it all in the guise of her Giftâ„¢, saying that this was merely what she was detecting from the future. Meanwhile, nothing this lady said the entire evening had the specificity that might suggest she had a true Giftâ„¢ Â©2010. Allison just leveled general statements such as “You will never be happy” or “He’s cheating.” Heck, I could do that too. Where’s my Patricia Arquette TV show?
Kyle, of course, took the bait, and soon the women were fighting like two little dogs. If you thought the bitching would stay self-contained, however, you’d be wrong. Somehow, the whole New York fight surfaced again, and once again, Camille and Kyle began going at it. Call me crazy though, but I actually felt they were making some sliiiight headway, but then frickin’ ALLISON DUBOIS kept butting in with her loud, stupid mouth and ruining everything.
In the midst of all that, Kim somehow got involved and mentioned that Taylor had been talking smack at the airport prior to New York, and voila, now Kim and Taylor were fighting. And then Kyle and Kim were fighting (Kyle was mad that Kim had started a fight during HER fight). Adrienne, new to this silly drama, just sat there and rolled her eyes — perhaps wishing she were at home berating her husband for getting a broken nose from their 4 year old kid — and Lisa merely muttered things about “Let’s not go back there.”
As for Faye, she too was in full attack mode. First she went after Allison, then Camille, and then who knows — the butler? Literally everyone was fighting. It wasn’t until Taylor rose to her feet, found some strange demon voice, and yelled “Enough, ENOUGH!” At last the fracas came to a screeching halt and after some bitter mutterings, the women all left their seats and headed to the limos (poor Kim wound up all alone in her limousine of despair). Camille was then left with just D.D. and Allison, who continued to angrily spew some very vile things — not to mention puff from an electronic cigarette. It made no sense to me. The whole thing was a mess.
It was awesome.
And now the photocap…
“So…. I was thinking of having all the girls over to my place. You know, nothing too fancy. Just a bunch of girls drinking oversized martinis and yelling at each other.”
Adrienne: “So you broke your nose. Who cares? Life is pain. SUCK IT UP, PAUL.”
“Should I wear this dress or the white one? I don’t want people to look at my outfit and make little jabs. That’s what they do, you know: little jabs, little jabs…”
“I’m really excited to go to this dinner party tonight and roll my eyes until I wind up in a fight!”
Lisa: “I think we’re going to be in for quite an evening.”
Adrienne: “I don’t care. As long as I’m out of my house. Paul got shot in the abdomen in a botched robbery. He’s all ‘It’s hurts this, it hurts that.’ I mean, it’s just three bullet holes. Suck it up!”
“Hello, I’m Allison DuBois. Patricia Arquette plays me on TV. But enough about me. Let’s hear about you. Who plays YOU on TV?”
Allison: “The show Medium is actually about my life.”
Lisa: “So is that a show about a drunk woman who needs meds?”
“How do I know Faye? Oh THAT’S right. She was on the cover of SLUT QUARTERLY.”
“You gotta admit, Faye, that was pretty funny.”
“Of course it was funny. I’m always funny. You don’t think I’m always funny?”
“I wouldn’t call you the Letterman of the group.”
“See? There you go again. Little jabs…”
“I’m sorry, Camille, but you’re NOT David Letterman.”
“You really think you’re as funny as Letterman?”
“Now introducing tonight’s top ten: The Top Ten Little Jabs By Kyle Richards.”
Allison: “I’d like to interject that I’m the Paul Schaffer to Camille’s Letterman.”
Camille: “Yeah, what do you think about that, Kyle? Or should I say, JAY LENO?”
“See, now THAT was a little dig.”
“I don’t do little digs. That you would accuse me of such is in itself a little dig.”
“No, you little digged first.”
“Little digs… little digs…”
Allison: “This is getting too intense. I need a long, hard drag from my electronic cigarette. Or as I like to call it, my Classy Stick. Because it makes me seem classy.”
“Hey, um, Camille, didn’t you pose for Playboy too?”
“Yeah, but I didn’t pose pose. I did the refined issue.”
“Naturally. How could I overlook that?”
“I’ll have you know that I’m not morally bankrupt. I would NEVER pose nude on the heels of a murder trial. I only pose nude to advance my career and/or find rich husbands (sort of the same thing though, right?).”
Camille: “Oh my goodness, Allison DUBOIS, please get a hold of yourself! I’m trying to have a drama-free party; so please stop attacking these women. They can’t help it if they’re all shallow whore. (Little jabs, little jabs).”
Kyle: “For the last time, your reading makes no sense, Allison DUBOIS. I’m not married to Ashton Kutcher.”
Taylor: “This would be so much more fun if I could stand on the table and have a private photo shoot.”
Allison: “I’m not going to do a psychic reading because I’m off the clock, but if I were to do a reading, it would probably be something along the lines of ‘You’re a barren whore in a loveless marriage who likes to perform felatio on Shetland ponies.’ I’m sorry, but that’s just my gift.”
Faye: “You know, I have psychic powers too, and in the future I can see you being inducted to the BITCH HALL OF FAME.”
“My goodness. Taylor’s lips are HYPNOTIC!”
Camille: “Well, I think that went pretty nicely!”
Kyle: “That was like crazy town.”
Adrienne: “Ugh. And now I gotta go home to my pussy husband. What a night.”
What did you think of the fight? Who started it? How could it have been stopped?