Quitters never win, and winners never quit. But I suppose trite sayings like that don’t matter much when you’re stuck on a beach in Central America for twenty-eight days with no food or shelter and you weight about twenty-five pounds. That’s the lesson I’ve learned watching the latest episode of Survivor: Nicaragua, which featured two — count ’em, two — castaways quitting, despite being mere days away from the finish line. And if you thought that was the most frustrating thing about last Wednesday, you’d be wrong. It was only the start.
Yes, this season’s most outspoken and most silent cast members both decided to throw in the towel after conditions at camp became too brutal for them to manage. NaOnka and Purple Kelly just could not last a day longer, much to the chagrin of their fellow tribe members who needed the girls as valuable allies in Tribal Council. Watching Purple Kelly flame out was no big surprise. The girl had spent the entire season lurking in the background so effectively, I thought she was a perky fern half the time. Her whole strategy was to basically do whatever Brenda and Sash told her to do, and when Brenda was sent packing and Purple Kelly was left out in the dark, she felt alone, isolated, and hopeless. And thus her mental game broke down. She no longer had the will to continue, which was truly terrible for us as she’d been such a vibrant, integral member of the cast.
Or not. Truth is we spent all season wondering who the hell Purple Kelly was, why she was purple, and what she was ever going to do to distinguish herself. I think the answer to the last question came when she offered up the best quote of the season, saying that she had been sucking it up for days on end and that now “There’s nothing left to suck!”
NaOnka, meanwhile, has been a crazy bundle of nerves all season, but despite a low point during a particularly brutal rain storm, she never seemed like a quitter. Ah, but she was. She explained to us that the frigid temperature rattled her to her bones, particularly since she suffers from anemia. With the tribe’s tarp in disrepair, they had little shelter from the freezing rain that had pelted them through the beginning of the episode, and so NaOnka finally cried Uncle and opted to back out of the game.
Ah, but it wasn’t as simple as that. NaOnka and Purple Kelly both addressed their intentions to Jeff after a particularly rigorous reward challenge, but our favorite surly host wasn’t having it. He told the women to think it over and then come back at Tribal Council to make their final decision. Seemed like a decent enough plan. But then things got really dicey when Jeff told the winning team that if one person sacrificed the reward, then the whole tribe would have a new tarp and enough rice to last them the rest of the game. Considering that NaOnka was on the victorious team and considering that she’d most likely be chowing down at “Ponderosa” that night, it seemed logical that she’d forgo the reward as a gesture of kindness to everyone else. But no. The selfish bitch wanted a hot dog, and thus it was Holly, who hadn’t won a reward yet (I believe), who sacrificed her warm meal for the greater good of the camp. It was one of the most deplorable moments in Survivor history, and while I could respect on some warped level that NaOnka wanted to enjoy the spoils of her labor (and it certainly looked like a laborious challenge), in the end, she really should have let Holly have a damn hot dog.
This rampant selfishness mixed with shortsighted myopia continued at Tribal Council, where the existing jurors — Alina, Marty, and Brenda (three of the biggest schemers of the season) — shook their heads with frustration. Alina was even driven to tears knowing she was sent home by two twits that didn’t even care to be there. In the end, despite pressure from Jeff to stay, the girls just couldn’t stomach another minute. They both quit, and Jeff angrily sent them off into the night with a deservedly pissy “You want to go? GO.”
Probably not the most exciting episode of all time, but certainly a memorable one.
“Fabio, I think I’m going to quit.”
“Really? Wait, who ARE you?”
“Don’t stop me people. I’m gonna eat Jeff Probst!”
“I really hope Kelly and NaOnka don’t quit. I like having girls around for me to HAVE SEX WITH because that’s what straight guys, LIKE ME, do all the time. Number one bachelor of New York, haaaaay!!!”
NaOnka: “Jeff, I’m going to quit. I don’t care how many Mom stares Holly gives me.”
Holly: “Oh I’ll give them all day.”
“See that? A wwwwwhole lotta Mom Face.”
“I can Mom Face like it’s my job.”
NaOnka: “Who’s there?”
“I’m going to quit too!”
Jane: “Girl, I oughta slit your neck and feed you to the seagulls.”
“It’s like I’m not even PURPLE anymore. I’m just a washed-out shade of lavender. THE SHAME!!!”
“Here’s the thing: I didn’t know we were playing for a million dollars. I just thought we were at a really rigorous fat camp.”
“Jack Black is the best.”
“You wanna make out?”
“I like lying down.”
“Oh God. Marty just farted. I’m going to barf.”
“No, Jeff, I will NOT brush the hair out of my face.”
“By the way, I buried the new tarp under a tree. SEE YA!”
Jeff: “It’s too bad, Kelly. You would have left an indelible impression on the season.”
Dunh dunh DUNH!!!!
What did you think about the episode?