Celebrity Apprentice continues to be the single best reality show on TV right now. Even though last night’s boardroom was a bit of a bust, the episode was thoroughly entertaining, with rifts and simmering tensions brewing in every corner. The challenge was simple. Actually, scratch that: it was rather murky. The teams had to outfit RVs with materials from Camping World, a company that specializes in camping (but not worlds). I wasn’t clear if the intent was to promote the RVs or the purchased items, and I wasn’t totally clear if the RVs were even something available for purchase from Camping World. Nevertheless, I knew that the teams had to ultimately impress the company’s CEO, and that’s all that really mattered.On the men’s team, we had all sorts of dysfunction, thanks mostly to Gary Busey taking the reins as Project Manager. We knew we’d be in for an interesting time when he approached the Camping World CEO and told him that while nothing in this life was free, his heart however was. I wasn’t sure if this was a romantic overture or not, but it certainly was rather stirring. The rest of the episode was chock full o’ Buseyisms, including the revelation that he’s fond of impromptu acronyms, which he can create rather proficiently. I don’t remember what he came up with for “Freedom,” but it was pretty cool.
“That’s pretty cool!”
As you can imagine, Gary was kind of a mess. The team seemed to have no direction, and soon the combination of ego, pride, and laziness swirled together like the most divine Dairy Queen Blizzard of emotion. At the heart of it will no doubt be Mark McGrath, who I’m finding to be something of an asshole. I mean, a lot of the people on this show are assholes, but some are fun, awesome assholes (John Rich) while others are revealing themselves to be supremely passive-aggressive (McGrath).
Listen, I’ve always been a fan of Sugar Ray, even when it wasn’t cool to be, but Mark seems like the sort of guy who can seem so fun at first and then make you feel shitty about yourself in a blink of an eye. Granted, his frustration this episode was totally warranted, and he certainly seems like a smarter guy than most of his teammates, but between his passive-aggressive swipes in the Board Room, and his way of quietly bullying Meat Loaf and Busey, I’m definitely detecting an asshole vibe.
Then there’s Jose Canseco, who truly is an asshole. I can say this from experience. I met him once, and he was a total jerk. Nevertheless, he spent most of the episode either complaining or lounging about on a couch, twitching his face in a semi-nap state. And can we talk about the twitching for a moment. I have concerns. I have concerns that he has a serious medical ailment, a possible drug problem, or low-level Tourette’s. Maybe this is what happens when you take steroids. Either way, I want answers.
Well, Jose was a professional lump this week, and even Ivanka noticed it. When she later called him out on it in the Board Room, he announced that he had been taking his one and only five minute break from the task. But even if you’re on break, wouldn’t you at least stand up for Ivanka? I guess not if you’re an asshole, which as I’ve mentioned before, is what he is.
Over on the women’s team, things were going much better than last week. Star Jones announced at the top of the show that she would be minding her own business from now on, but as Nene accurately predicted, there was no way that would happen. Star of course busted out her bossy, once again doing her patented shtick of ordering people around and then playing dumb (ie. “What’s the project theme?”) when it meant making her Project Manager look bad. I simply can’t wait for her and Nene to have their showdown, the first seeds of which were planted at the top of the show as the two women exchanged words post-Board Room. How much longer do we have to wait, NBC? HOW MUCH LONGER??
For now we have Dionne Warwick to hate on. She wasn’t as abjectly terrible as she was last week, but Ms. Dionne still ain’t no angel. The woman is the definition of cranky old coot, but she has the added flair of showbiz legend / diva, which makes her all the more prickly. We always know we’re in for a good time when she comes waddling up to whoever’s in charge, gum perilously balanced on the edge of her teeth, bouffant puffy with rage. She usually channels her anger through an exasperated question like “Where IS Hope?” or “What room is she doing?” or “Why would anyone want to read about a sad, deaf lion?” She then hears an answer she doesn’t like, causing her head to recoil like an angry cat and her mouth to bend into a strange grin of dissatisfaction. This then leads her to lean forward again and say something in half-jibberish that somehow conveys how pissed she is. Kudos to Project Manager Niki Taylor for finally telling Dionne to speak like a normal human being. Of course, this just led to more Dionne-isms, but it was worth it.
And seriously, God bless the casting directors for putting Dionne Warwick into this mess. Not only is she a total horror, but seeing this legendary diva thrown into stunningly average situations is beyond entertaining. I mean, for crying out loud, they sent DIONNE WARWICK to BED, BATH, AND BEYOND! And then the next day they stuck her in a goofy Camping World t-shirt that seemed to have a giant blue cartoon alien on it (update: the alien is actually the company’s mascot, and it’s not an alien but an RV. Who knew?). This is why the show is brilliant.
Less brilliant was Niki Taylor, who when she wasn’t struggling with the concept of “centuries,” was providing a sweet but disorganized leadership. A lack of branding and attention to her RV’s exterior caused her team to lose, but rather than go after anyone in the Board Room, she pleasantly took all the blame, causing Trump to fire her unceremoniously. Afterwards, all the ladies clucked about how classy she was, which was really their way of saying “Good thing she didn’t come after me because I would have taken bitch down!”
Anyway, here’s the photocap:
“Dipping my face in a vat of orange bronzer is a THIRTY BILLION DOLLAR A YEAR INDUSTRY.”
“Excuse me! EXCUSE ME! Glade Plug-Ins are FAR superior to anything by Lysol.”
“Hello. I’m Gary Busey. Nothing in this world is free, but my heart is free to yours. Will you accept this final rose?”
“Camping World: Creating Amusing Measures for People In Need of Greatness Without Other Realities Leaving Dreams.”
LaToya: “I’m taking notes!”
Hope: “I’m drawing a butterfly!”
“Star, did you ever notice how small your head can look?”
“I’d like to go on the record and say that I am opposed to a country song. It will alienate all those urbane, city-goers who are known to be the most avid RV users in the world!”
Dionne: “Okay, now what are we doing?”
Hope: “I think we’re just… you know… decorating the outside…”
“Yeah, I think?”
“Then why in the hell am I… Why we… Wish she would have told me before I…”
“What are you saying, Dionne?”
Nene: “Don’t mind Dionne. She don’t finish sentences when she mad.”
Dionne: “It seems like a whole lotta… Somebody tell me what… I need to use the…”
“Mark, I know what I see, and I definitely see that Jose is wearing a top from Lane Bryant.”
“Listen guys, I’d like to just make one change. I really think this RV should say ‘Star Jones Presents the Star Jones Camping Experience Featuring Items from the Star Jones Collection at Camping World, A Star Jones Company.'”
“Wait, it’s the twenty-FIRST century? We must be old. I was born in the NINETEENTH century!”
Hope: “Oh my gosh, we’re such idiots. I can’t believe we needed Google to figure out what century it was.”
“I know! Thank God for this phone. I love it. Yours is nice too, all yellow and stuff.”
“Oh, that’s just a banana.”
Niki: “So is your banana like the Apple phone?”
“They make phones from apples?”
“Wow, all this twentieth-century technology.”
Hope: “You know how I remember how many years are in a century? I think of cents and how there are a hundred cents in a dollar.”
“And did you know there are also a hundred pennies in a dollar too?”
“Huh. So why don’t they call it a pennytury?”
“Maybe they do.”
“Ha. Look at us: two twentieth pennytury gals on our banana phones.”
“Oh crap. My banana has no bars right now.”
“I’d like to set the record straight that I bought this shirt at Ann Taylor.”
“Ivanka: Inserting Very Amazing Needs in Knowledge Awareness!”
“It’s funny how it was daytime before, but now it’s night.”
“Kind of amazing.”
“Star’s a real bitch, isn’t she?”
“BAM! It’s a kitchen!”
“Isn’t it so nice being on one of these things without Kim and Sweetie?”
“Does anyone know how to open this? The only thing I didn’t take notes on was the tutorial on doorknobs.”
“Where in the hell is Hope? How come she’s not on our trailer? And why is there a draft? Where’s Burt Bacharach? I’m old! MEHHHH!!!!!”
Mark: “Hey, you check out that TV?”
“Yeah, I didn’t even know it was there.”
“Right on, brother. You didn’t tell them that though, right?”
“Well… I kind of did.”
“Why you do that, you piece of shit turd washed up has-been pseudo rocker? JESUS!”
“This concludes my tour of the TV area. Now let’s move on to the next topic: my Mom jeans.”
“Mr. Trump, it would be my honor to give you the most boring Board Room in Apprentice history.”
“Mmmhmmm. That’ll teach her to let Hope take tours on other campers. WHERE IS MY GUM???”
“If I keep smiling, no one will suspect that I just farted.”
Mark: “Gary is a great leader once you accept all his inadequacies, which are varied and abundant. JESUS he sucks. Love ya, man. Don’t take it personal.”
“Hey guys, I really love this elevator. Don’t you?”
Dionne: “That’s right, bitches. I’m still here.”
What did you think about the episode?