This week’s episode of Jersey Shore was a fairly low-key event. There was no fighting, no significant cockblocking, no noteworthy smooshing, no drunken foolishness. Just our favorite over-tanned buddies hanging out and having a good time. As a result, the installment veered on the boring side, but I gotta admit that I enjoyed the laziness of it all. Kind of reminded me of summer with my friends. Of course, the sad part is that I’ve started to identify these kids as my friends. Their inside-jokes become my inside-jokes; their dramas become my dramas; and their STDs, well, they get to keep those.It’s hard for me to remember even what happened on Thursday. I do remember that we had some pranks. It started when the Meatballs, a.k.a. Snooki and Deena got bored/drunk and stuck marshmallows to nearly every surface in the house. This was all well and good, but I couldn’t help think about all the ants that would soon descend on this crappy little beach shack. Of course, they probably already have one or two ant colonies residing in their laundry baskets alone; so I suppose a few more ants marching wouldn’t make such a difference. Nevertheless, it’s clear that not every marshmallow will be accounted for, and critters shall soon ensue.
Someone who is probably well-acquainted with critters is The Situation, who noticed a marshmallow attached to the infamous duck phone. This inspired him to prank the ladies back, and when they asked him to call them a cab to go to a local bar, he went all out: telling the cab service that he wanted a car headed for Times Square. Amazingly, the cabbie agreed to this trick, and before long, the Meatballs were off to NYC.
I actually had mixed feelings about this prank. On the one hand, it was pretty brilliant. On the other hand, it kiiiiiind of constituted abduction. I’m sure had the girls not had a cameraman and a sound person with them, they would have been far more terrified. Nevertheless, they eventually managed to pull a u-turn just shy of the city, at which point they decided they would act like they just had the most amazing time. They oversold it though, with Deena prancing back into the shore house like an old Disney cartoon. Mike apologized, saying he thought the cabbie would turn around sooner, and from what we could tell, everything was back to normal.
Over in Rammi land, it was more of the same stuff. Ronnie spent the episode moping about, but he cheered up after The Situation bought Pauly D a mini motorcycle as a birthday gift. This resulted in lots of loud smokers’ laughs and fun times had by all. Eventually the boyz headed out to a big ol’ Italian meal, but thanks to The Sitch taking too long to primp, they left their boy behind to teach him a lesson. Grumpiness ensued.
Seriously, nothing happened in this episode.
Oh, Sammi came back in the last minute of the show, and that caused Ronnie to immediately cease blending his daiquiri and go moping out on the porch. Dramz!
Here are photos:
“Listen, son, don’t worry about the girl. Get back to what you do best: steroids and coke.”
“Hey Vinny, wanna put it in me?”
“Come on, Nicole, get out of my bed.”
“Awwww, but don’t you want to stick your salami into my meatball?”
“What does that even mean?”
“I want you to dip your penne into my alfredo.”
“You’re just listing Italian foods.”
“Put your crostini in my braciola.”
“I want your bruschetta in my amaretti cookie.”
“Where is this cabbie taking us?”
“Will there be juiceheads there?”
“Gorilla juiceheads that want to put it in us?”
Ronnie: “I love this bike so much, I just want to get drunk, cheat on it, yell at it, destroy its belongings, and then cry when it putters away.”
“Hello, this is Nicole, and I don’t appreciate having a conversation with voicemail. And in case I didn’t adequately express this previously, I shall call back in two minutes to remind you for the forty-seventh time.”
“Is this a marshmallow or one of Angelina’s old tampons?”
Ronnie: “I love this food. Seriously. I love it. Look at me, food: I love you. Look at me. Hey, look at me: believe me when I say I love you. Look at me, food: I’m buying you seven roses. I was dumb. I shouldn’t have eaten you. That was hurtful, and I realize now. Look at me.”
Pasta: “What you did to that garlic bread…”
Ronnie: “Look at me, pasta: I’m sorry.”
Pasta: “But the garlic bread? Just answer me this: ARE YOU FRIENDS WITH HAH? ARE. YOU. FRIENDS. WITH. HAH?”
Pauly D: “What the hell is going on here?”
“Looks like dinner for one for old Situation. Also, did I really get this dressed up to go to the Olive Garden?”
Vinny: “Hands down my favorite would have to be Terry Gross on ‘Fresh Air.’
J-WOWW: “So you’re just going to completely ignore ‘All Things Considered?'”
Snooki: “Sounds like all things NOT considered.”
Deena: “A regular Ira Glass over there.”
J-WOWW: “Ugh, I could listen to ‘This American Life’ all day.”
Vinny: “I’m more of a ‘Marketplace’ guy myself.”
“I miss Sam so bad. I just want to DESTROY THIS BLENDER as a token of my love.”
“Hey guys, big news: this door totally works!”
“That fuckin’ bitch is back. I HATE her.”
What did you think about the episode? Now that Sammi is back, do you think Ronnie will treat her like shit again?