Hey, did you hear about Tamra? Apparently she owes Vicki an apology! This was the big lesson we learned on the latest episode of The Real Housewives of Orange County. The two women headed down to Cabo San Lucas in Mexico to mend the wounds they had inflicted on each other last year. Actually, it was more like a chance for Tamra to grovel to Vicki because as you may or may not remember, Tamra said some pretty nasty things about Vicki behind her back last year. Of course, I’m sure Vicki said equally vile things, but I guess she didn’t really get caught, which is why she had the supposed moral high ground in the situation. And boy did she run with it. Vicki spent the entire Mexican vacation lording Tamra’s sins over her head. Whether they were doing shots or eating Caesar salad, Vicki found some way to remind Tamra of her backstabbing ways. It was actually obnoxious (what a surprise) and tacky, but these women are from Orange County. Can we expect anything less?
If I were Tamra, I would have snapped midway through the weekend. I understand that Vicki was hurt, but she seemed to really enjoy kicking Tam-Tam when she was down. Then again, maybe Tamra was just riding the high of her latest five-hour sexscapade with new boyfriend Eddie. Now, here’s the thing. I didn’t want to mention it last week because I thought it might be just too much, but I too like many of this site’s readers definitely picked up a certain vibe from Eddie. The sort of vibe that makes you chuckle knowingly when you hear that he and Tamra had sex for five hours to LADY GAGA. Hey, that’s okay, Eddie. You were born that way.
WHAT? HE WAS BORN AS A NATURAL LOVER.
Nevertheless, Vicki was dead set on getting a proper, formal apology — going so far as to demand that Tamra craft some sort of friendship vows to be recited on the last evening of the trip. It was a bit excessive, but compared to some of the more obnoxious digs Vicki had been taking, it at least had some semblance of friendliness to it. Amusingly though, after all that browbeating, when it finally came time for Tamra to bare her soul, Vicki pretty much rushed her right through it. You’d think that Vicki would want to sit there and savor the emotional groveling, but instead, she seemed to want to brush it under the rug and get back to dinner. Really? After all that? If I were Tamra, I would have been annoyed. Heck, I’m not Tamra, and I’m still annoyed.
Meanwhile, back in Orange County, Gretchen spent the episode pondering whether or not she should get married. She posed the question to her jokey father, and in the end, she decided… on nothing. Not a particularly fascinating subplot.
Over in Bellinoville, Alexis was busy getting her dress line off the ground. And when I say “dress line,” I mean “drapey fabric line.” I swear, Alexis probably looks at the costumes on The Golden Girls and thinks “Those women certainly wear a lot of tight clothes.” Basically, if it can flap violently in the presence of a fan, Alexis wants to wear it. Heck, I’m sure the woman fantasizes about wrapping herself up in sails every time she visits a harbor.
Unfortunately for Alexis, this whole dress thing won’t be around for long. After all, she told us that Jim is fronting the money for the line, and the moment that the dressmaking interferes with the marriage or the children, IT’S DEAD. Clearly, the moment Alexis sees an ounce of success and potential for independence, Jim is pulling the plug. I’m sorry, but a wife earning more than a husband? That’s just un-Christian!
Elsewhere on the show, Peggy had an emotional episode, first opening up about her crippling postpartum depression, then having to suffer the pure panic of having her child prick her finger. THE HORROR!!!
Now, I can totally appreciate the initial panic upon seeing drops of blood all around and on your toddler. However, it didn’t take a genius to know that the cut was pretty tiny. I mean, we could see how small it was from our living rooms. Plus, sweet baby Capri hardly seemed fazed. The kid was just sitting there happy as could be. It was Peggy who was a total disaster, and I was afraid she was going to make Capri cry just because of the tizzy she was in. Nevertheless, husband Micah (who we like) took Capri to the emergency room, and guess what? The bleeding had stopped. No stitches needed! Huzzah! (and by Huzzah, I mean DUH). Nevertheless, it’s good to see that Peggy has maternal instincts, and I’m not going to lie, I thought it was sweet when she got in the pool and helped her daughter swim. I know it sounds like a standard motherly thing to do, but if you think about it, we never see any of these women do stuff like that with their kids. That’s always 100% nanny territory.
Anyway, on to the photocap:
“Hey bitch, get down to the limo. There’s a sale on oversized, bejeweled crosses that we need to get to!”
“Hey bitch, it’s me, Tamra!”
“I don’t like that language.”
“Whatever, bitch. I’m a free bitch, baby!”
“I love being married so much. Jim is a wonderful husband who lets me make all my decisions, pending his approval of course.”
“I WILL NOW DISABLE YOU SONICALLY WITH MY ALIEN DOLPHIN RAY: iy-iy-iy-iy-iy-iy-iy-iy-iy-iy-iy.”
“Here are the rules: no ridiculous behavior, no getting too drunk, and no backstabbing because I know you’re REALLY good at that.”
“I wish Eddie were here. Ah, but he’s probably having a great time catching up on Glee and dancing around his place to Britney and Madonna. God, I love him.”
“This shot tastes nasty — almost like the nasty taste of BETRAYAL that you put in my mouth. YOU OWE ME AN APOLOGY!”
“Oh my God. Jesus just totally put another fashion vision in my head. I love having natural gifts!”
“No. This is too hip. I want less Paris Hilton and more Blanche Devereaux.”
“Hi. I’m Heidi Montag. And today, I’d like to talk to you about turtleneck sweaters.”
“The postpartum depression was awful. I would look at my children and say ‘Baby. Baby. BABY. Ohhhhh.’ I’m like ‘Baby. Baby. Baby. NO!’ Like? ‘Baby. Baby. Baby. OH!’ I thought you’d always be mine.”
“Now you’re just reciting Bieber.”
“I KNOW. THAT WAS WHAT WAS SO AWFUL.”
“Hey, have I mentioned in the past five minutes how you stabbed me in the back, poured salt in the wounds, and then stabbed me again? Because I want to be sure we’re clear on that.”
“You really are one psycho bitch, aren’t you?”
Vicki: “I’ll have you know that my vagina is beautiful and perfect. It’s like the INSURANCE INDUSTRY of vag!”
“I swear to God, Eddie and I had sex for five hours. All while listening to Lady Gaga! And all doggie style too! He really got into it.”
“La la la la la. I don’t want to hear this, much as I didn’t want to be STABBED IN THE BACK.”
“Oh no. Capri cut herself. Honey?? IT’S CAPRI!!! SHE’S ABOUT TO DIE!!!!”
“Okay, we’ve waited all weekend. Here comes my very special apology speech that you have mandated.”
“Oh it’s fine. You apologize. That’s great.”
“Wait, what? You beat me over the head with this all weekend, and now you just want to RUSH through the apology?”
“But I have important things to say!”
“The less you talk, the less chance you have of backstabbing me… which you HAVE done.”
What did you think about the episode? Was Vicki milking the apology too much? Or did she deserve the groveling?